Why do so many men want to use you for sex ?

[Username109876]

I know it's not all men and women do it too.
But it really hurts me how many are mainly interested in my physical appearance only, then chuck me aside and become this loving prince when they meet someone they actually care about and want to be with.
I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, but I feel like they meet me, get overexcited and think i'm hot, think with their downstairs, but when they actually get to know me they think, meh.

I never sleep with anyone immediately, I always wait a little. The men are looking for relationships because most of them now are in long-term relationships with other people.

I'm fairly quiet and introverted though I make an effort, and maybe they think my personality doesn't match my appearance if that makes sense.

It's why i'm choosing to be single. I've been talking to a guy who I know who lives abroad. I said i'd maybe go and visit at some point and you can just tell his brain lit up and he was thinking he was going to get laid. Now I haven't replied to one message he's thrown an innuendo out there. I'm not going to go as deep down I know he doesn't give a crap about me.

Anyone else feel this way ?

Yup. Singleton here too.

I feel like a lot of men will happily string along someone they aren't sure about because they just want to get laid, then the minute someone they care about comes along, bam, like a different person. So in love, treat them amazingly, i'm watching it happen right now.

How do you know this man? I do think there is a certain type of man/woman who is only looking for a shallow or superficial relationship.

This time you have spotted the red flag beforehand so that is progress. There are decent men who want to commit but you just need to wade through the players first.

He used to work near me, you're right at least i've spotted it with this one and I won't be going over. It hurts that they are just players with me if that makes sense, if they were doing it to every girl ok, but they always seem to find love right after me.

A lot of men will say anything to get laid.

You make it sound like they always chuck you and you never dump them. Is that true?

If so, it's weird. Highly unlikely that everyone was seemingly right for you. Maybe you need to be more fierce about weeding them out.

A male friend once said something to me that made sense to me. In early dating, women on the whole tend to want to wait until they really like a man and feel a connection before having sex with him. Men are more likely to go on a couple of dates with a woman they’re not totally sure about and then see sex as one of the criteria of whether they want more dates and, if after sex still don’t feel a connection, move on.

It makes sense from a societal and socialisation perspective. Women see it as “being used” for sex because women are socialised to be gatekeepers of sex and to reserve it for special people. Men don’t see it that way at all because they aren’t socialised that way - to them it’s all just sex.

TL;DR - some element of generalisation but try to reframe it in your head. It isn’t you or anything about you.

It is true sadly..
They probably were just wrong for me. But I feel like even the 'nice' men will do it.
However I seem to meet either these types or incredibly clingy ones who are just desperate to have someone as opposed to you specifically.

I think it cuts both ways - if you meet somebody you like a lot then you do what you can to be with them. If you only like them superficially then you don't put that effort it and it finishes/fizzles out.

That's true I suppose. It's just annoying when they lead you on telling you that they really like you etc. And how they are 'so happy they met you'. Again it's probably just saying whatever to get laid.

How do they end it with you? What do they say?

Also they don't usually sleep with me just the once then move on, they continue for a month or two, until someone else comes along usually.

One said it 'just faded', another 2 'I just don't have the feelings' another I 'didn't challenge him' and another just ghosted me and then I saw he had got with someone.

But surely we all have some people we consider ltr material and others where it's just physical attraction?

Whether we act on the latter is down to personal boundaries and/or opportunity

We do, but when they buy you expensive gifts, hold your hand in public, say emotional things when they have zero investment in reality, it's cruel on their part.

I think what's hurting me is why they are seeing me as only for one thing. Maybe I have a certain look, I am very busty and I can be heavily made-up, whereas maybe they want a 'girl next door' type to be their girlfriend ? Not everyone, but some.

I think you are looking at this all wrong.

People date to see if they are compatible long term and to have some fun.

You have sex and fun with these men for a few weeks, good result.

After a bit they realise the relationship doesn't have legs long term and so they end it and try with someone else.

That's completely normal. You clinging on to each one happily is not normal. They cannot all have been long term compatible with you.

Dump men more often! Raise your standards!

I know, why can't they just wank!

I did OLD about 5-7 years ago. It was a total nightmare from start to finish.

I don't know what it is that I am doing or what it is about me that makes them see it as short-term only but I wish I knew.
You are right though, I accept too much and should dump more.

I'm not sure i like the phrase 'gatekeepers of sex' - gatekeepers of our own vaginas, maybe. But who else would we delegate that role to?!

Tbh if i don't sleep with someone when i have the opportunity it's because they don't turn me on. I can't speak for all women, but i doubt those who want to wait a long time before sleeping with a guy are feeling hugely aroused by him and having to hold themselves back!

The people i genuinely lust after generally aren't available for the kind of rippinfg each others clothes off sex i'd like to have with them. because they're married

You're projecting an image and they are reacting to it. If you don't like it then either rethink the image you're projecting or make it very clear from the outset that you're looking for a committed relationship and sex is not on the cards unless and until you know there is a mental connection.

It's very simple really. Who cares what they want? Just don't do it with them until they've shown commitment. The ones that were only interested in sex will disappear and the ones that are interested in sex and you will remain. Also a lot of women lead with sex to get men's interest and this can sometimes mean you get a bigger proportion of sex only guys that you have to weed through. If you're online don't respond to the overtly sexual stuff and go with more wholesome photos

Just to add, my last 3 relationships - 6 years, 3 years and now 10 years all started with sex on the first night....

I have never slept with anyone on the first date or sexted etc.
I also have friends who slept with the guy before they showed any commitment and they have still ended up in relationships with them.
I guess when I was younger I used to think that telling them I was looking for a relationship would scare them off (stupid I know) and would be coming on too strong, but l guess it's the way to go now.

I think you probably have to work out what is the difference between how they perceive you on first sight/superficially and the real you inside. Maybe wearing lots of make up etc gives out a very confident image, and you're not actually like that.

Maybe think about projecting yourself a bit more low-key? So any potential dates will engage more with your personality from the start?

I think you're right though - generally men seem to go for women who aren't overtly made up and flashy when it comes to girlfriend/wife.

I'm sorry as it's really hard. People sleep with people for different reasons in different situations in their life, but looking for a long term partner, it might be better not to sleep with them until a lot longer down the line? Or not, if you find them really compatible. But just be choosy - very very choosy.

Ugh. This isn't a real thing. Women imagine this because they are socialized to believe that sex is some kind of currency. Where, if you pay a man with sex, he is supposed to love you in exchange.

When in reality, people have sex as a test run to see if there is chemistry, and if there isn't, they don't carry on with the relationship. If there is chemistry, the relationship continues, and love develops over time.

If you are attractive, more people are going to want to try out some sex with you. Unless you are really unusually charismatic, the majority of those test runs will result in a "thanks but no thanks". That's not personal and it's not "using". It's just how human relationships occur.