Why do so many men want to use you for sex ?

[Username109876]

I know it's not all men and women do it too.
But it really hurts me how many are mainly interested in my physical appearance only, then chuck me aside and become this loving prince when they meet someone they actually care about and want to be with.
I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, but I feel like they meet me, get overexcited and think i'm hot, think with their downstairs, but when they actually get to know me they think, meh.

I never sleep with anyone immediately, I always wait a little. The men are looking for relationships because most of them now are in long-term relationships with other people.

I'm fairly quiet and introverted though I make an effort, and maybe they think my personality doesn't match my appearance if that makes sense.

It's why i'm choosing to be single. I've been talking to a guy who I know who lives abroad. I said i'd maybe go and visit at some point and you can just tell his brain lit up and he was thinking he was going to get laid. Now I haven't replied to one message he's thrown an innuendo out there. I'm not going to go as deep down I know he doesn't give a crap about me.

Anyone else feel this way ?

So don't have such free and easy sex?

I would have a rule. Nothing for 3 months.

That would sort out the chancers (move on to more stupid and available)

and the ones who genuinely want to get to know you better.

This modern thing that separates sex from love and commitment has a lot to answer for.

If you are meeting these guys online then that’s pretty much your answer. I used Tinder for a while when my first marriage broke down and I wanted to meet some guys and have a bit of fun (I married young so had never gone through a ‘sex for fun’ phase.)

It was pretty obvious the vast majority of men on there only wanted sex but I didn’t care at the time because it was pretty much all I wanted too! I accidentally wound up meeting my now DH but even we had sex on the first date.

Waiting to have sex honestly makes no difference with men. I dated some guys for a few weeks who wanted something more serious than I did so this isn’t exclusive to men fwiw. I never felt I’d used anyone for sex as I’d been pretty clear of my intentions from the beginning.

Waiting 3 months is a terrible idea! What is there's no sexual chemistry at all yet you've built up an emotional bond?? Way to fuck yourself over!

Some people are giving examples of people who shagged early on and are still together, but these make a good story precisely because it's relatively unusual for that to happen.

I'm also like the PP who said she gets used for sex even though she's not particularly raunchy looking etc. I think men can spot someone who might be a bit of a pushover.

On another thread, someone mentioned the 'shark cage' www.ursulabenstead.com.au/about-the-shark-cage/ and I found this really interesting. As you've started to do @Username109876 , basically the idea is to enforce what are acceptable ways for people to act towards you. Best wishes. xx

No, I can honestly say that's never happened to me. Anytime I have slept with someone, they will be the one who keeps in contact and try to persue more. Perhaps, subconsciously I just don't entertain men I when they give off the vibe that they are only after one thing.

Whenever I hear women talk about this it sometimes doesn’t take much delving to work out that the red flags were there from the start you just chose not to pay attention to it. This isn’t always the case as there are some manipulative users out there but usually women feel vulnerable from the outset and try to put on a brave face about it

• men who are very vague and you see it as ‘he’s just busy’
• talk about sex early on and you see it as flirting because it’s flattering
• initiate sexting quite quickly and you feel obliged to join in to keep them interested
• have a lot of photos on their dating profile of them topless/drinking with mates
• want to meet up quickly to go out drinking with them not actually a proper date
• invite you to their house, or want to come to yours
• telling you that you are amazing and love bombing the crap out of you
• talking about what you look like and not about your personality
• telling you bad stories about exes
• living a very exciting type of life where they are out all the time, go on a lot of holidays and have 100000 friends on Facebook and go to every single festival going
• tell you they want a RS but in reality seem have no time or space for one
• tell you sad stories about themselves

@Menora good points. Its tempting to say you "attract" the wrong people, but its more accurate to say you select the wrong people. There is something about these men that OP finds attractive. All these points are things that make them seem confident and assured and exciting, but are just parts of their act. Men who are genuinely after a relationship maybe won't seem as smooth and practiced.

You also just can’t know if there is a connection and agree that often a few dates and sex makes that clear. I’ve done it to men, when I have realised they aren’t right for me and it won’t work. Nothing personal against them

I can honestly say that with some men I’ve dated there have been none of those red flags, Menora, and I’m certainly not a pushover either. I agree that in some cases it’s obvious (sexting, topless pictures on dating profile, just wanting to “chill” etc) but I’ve also dated some extremely manipulative men whom I never in a million years would have imagined just wanted sex. They wooed me for weeks or months - without love-bombing - and still left as soon as they got what they wanted.

Me too Thirty, just that somethings are more obvious. OP doesn’t specify so I am generalising
The worst ones are the seemingly very norms ones!

Definitely don't wait. That just leaves you with the ones that take it as a challenge. The worst of them.

If I was dating again (and on the pill to be extra safe) I'd sleep with them early on with no feelings involved and if they fucked off after then id treat it as it was just a bit of fun. And if they hung around I'd still try to very slow to catch the feels n would be on my guard for red flags just incase. Because many men arent the screw and leave sort, they're the continue to screw you over (narc) sort.

It's more enjoyable than using a wank sock - can't think of any other reason.

Bless you OP. Not to toot my own horn but I've been in the same position. Basically you're the girl they want to show a photo of to their mates and show off that they've shagged you. Ick.
My turning point has been keeping a close eye on how many questions they ask about me and if we laugh at the same things. I think I can confidently say that very few of my ex's could tell you what my favourite film is, favourite drink, the names of my nieces and nephews or where I went to school.
If they don't ask questions and remember details about me then they go straight in the bin.

OP and how much they remember about you.
Don't be love bombed.
And it's not you, it's them.
Raise your bar.
First sign of a use, DUMP.
You owe them nothing.
You owe yourself a great deal.

Sounds like you fall for fake patter, whereas, if a man is gushing that he is so glad he met you after weeks, or even months ( maybe even at all 🤔) you should smell a rat, a decent genuine man would not be so overboard.

@DrMorbius that is such a disgraceful term, gatekeepers of sex, as though sex were like a natural resource ''the shore'' and women were blocking men's access to it.

Obviously even when you like sex you have to figure out if you're going to end up feeling used and disappointed again, and that's not being a ''gatekeeper'' because it's not about a man's access to sex. It's about how shit you're going to end up feeling.

Get yourself down to Boots and buy a pair of low-prescription reading glasses. Re-take your profile pictures wearing them.

Genuine men will look twice at you.

And we all know that men using women for sex is a reality.

Oh so women don't use men?
Many women have said to me that I should just enjoy the sex too when I sought counsel and before I slept with him
I've posted upthread about dumping a man recently
I can't believe that anyone thinks only men do it

"Waiting 3 months is a terrible idea! What is there's no sexual chemistry at all yet you've built up an emotional bond?? Way to fuck yourself over!"

You won't build up an emotional bond if there is no chemistry.

People SHOULD get to know eachother before they form a bond. To quote an essay about people who are notorious for terrible dysfunctional relationships:

"Narcissists and Borderline individuals also have something else in common that makes them likely to choose each other: they both can quickly form intense romantic attachments based on very little information about the other person. Most people who do not have either a Borderline or Narcissistic adaptation tend to take their time when making the decision whether their new lover is “the one.” My Borderline and Narcissistic clients often bond instantly when they barely know each other."

www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/understanding-narcissism/201711/why-do-narcissists-and-borderlines-fall-in-love

I think waiting months and months when you both have a strong physical urge and literally can't wait to rip each other's clothes off is a bit silly, unless there are genuine safety concerns, which i would completely understand. Most likely you'd just miss out on some amazing sex, and three months down the line you may have slipped into the friend zone anyway. However, i think most women rarely get to the clothes ripping stage with a man they barely know, so if you just like him a bit and want to see if anything develops, of course it makes more sense to wait. And wait. And not have sex with him unless you actually ever want to.

Life's far too short to be lying back and thinking of England with a man who leaves you cold in a physical sense. Even if he has lots of positive qualities.

Sex is really important to men. Most will do anything to get it.

Sex is important to women too but we're not so predatory about it.
We can actually like men as a person.

I work with majority of men for years. What I gather is they don't want something just handed to them. Men are so competitive and if it's difficult to get they value it a lot more. Most say women are far too nice to them. That they overgive too soon. Guys have told me it makes them feel weird like when someone keeps doing you favours for no reason at all. It seems fake and desperate. They said they would prefer women to be much more blunt and mysterious and keep them guessing.

I guess I can see their point a little even though it sounds strange.

You have to remember that men on dating sites are often just out of long term relationships and they just want to shag as many people as possible.

One thing about being older in the dating pool is that people tend to have a good idea of what they want sexually, and are self aware enough to know what they like. Along with that, they are understandably not really looking to teach a new partner, or spend a whole lot of time working on sexual comparability. So things might be going fine, a person might genuinely be interested in a relationship, then the sex turns out a bit crap, or just didn't fan the flames. So the intent may have been to find a relationship, but when the sex part doesn't click, it's generally better to move on than to keep driving to the inevitable dead end.

Of course you can build an emotional bond without sexual chemistry! If you date someone for three months then shag them and find that it doesn't gel sexually for you both then what?! Everybody can flirt and feel sexy together in each others company but until you do the deed you have no idea if you're compatible. Some on the sexiest men I've ever known have turned out to be the absolute worst at the actual act.