Why do so many men want to use you for sex ?

[Username109876]

I know it's not all men and women do it too.
But it really hurts me how many are mainly interested in my physical appearance only, then chuck me aside and become this loving prince when they meet someone they actually care about and want to be with.
I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, but I feel like they meet me, get overexcited and think i'm hot, think with their downstairs, but when they actually get to know me they think, meh.

I never sleep with anyone immediately, I always wait a little. The men are looking for relationships because most of them now are in long-term relationships with other people.

I'm fairly quiet and introverted though I make an effort, and maybe they think my personality doesn't match my appearance if that makes sense.

It's why i'm choosing to be single. I've been talking to a guy who I know who lives abroad. I said i'd maybe go and visit at some point and you can just tell his brain lit up and he was thinking he was going to get laid. Now I haven't replied to one message he's thrown an innuendo out there. I'm not going to go as deep down I know he doesn't give a crap about me.

Anyone else feel this way ?

Maybe as PP says ,Try and tone down make up and so on and see if that helps .(shouldnt need to really ,but hey ho) .Men seem conditioned to notice looks /figure and so on at first glance . Maybe see if there is someone at work you may like ?or a friends DB? OLD is harsh ,and my DD has had similar experiences so it not just you !

Honestly as a man if a women is remotely attractive I’d probably have sex with her regardless of her personality.
Any man that says otherwise is seriously lying.

The truth is if you find yourself being used just for sex then it’s the men you’re choosing.
Maybe try a different tact, treat em mean to keep em keen?

You know what, I had this problem all to often. So I just thought ok f#! this I've had enough of men and just stopped dating and just did things for me, then I found this book called 'FCK him, why nice girls always finish single' and I swear this book helped me sooooo much, it gave an insight into men's minds and what to do and it kinda gave me back the power really to be able to weed out the ones not for me. Try it

Many men are after sex its true ,but talking about "gatekeepers " is like going back 30 years , with women "holding on to their" hapenny!" Saying Men in general are after sex is grouping a lot of them together ,when some may be looking for a proper in depth romance . On line Dating is different to meeting someone in person ,and all you get is a 2 dimensional persona and none of their character /personality ! Obviously it is better to wait for a second /third date ,but if it feels right then have sex on first meeting and see what develops . 30 or 40 years ago it was unusual not to be married by a certain age and women were often seen as either "wife " material or a harlot! which also didnt make for harmonious relationships ,more about women conforming to societies expectations of them!

@Itsjustmarley I just ordered it! Thanks for the tip.

I read something online once which said "You don't keep attracting the wrong men. You're a beautiful woman, you attract all men then choose the wrong ones."

Also I agree with a lot of what was said up thread about having stronger boundaries (the shark cage) and especially:
justshutthedoor

It's very simple really. Who cares what they want?

What do you want? Approach dating with firm unapologetic beliefs about what you want and how you expect to be treated, and ditch anybody who transgresses. Don't be a people pleaser, please yourself instead.

@Ilovefishcakes201

Do you let the women know beforehand though, this rapport that you think we have? we don't have it. This attraction, it's no big deal. This chemistry you think we have? It's just lust. You think we're getting on very well? I'm just mirroring. You think I like you? Nah. You think I find you smart and funny? Nah, just horny and I'm smiling cos I"m going to get laid.

You think it's SO simple for women to avoid choosing the wrong men. It's not as simple as you think. They don't just TELL you that they're faking everything and about to use you for sex.

I'm not that unlucky, haven't been caught out that many times, but still, a couple of times, yes, who hasn't. It's just such a shabby depressing demoralising cringey humiliating feeling.

TheYearOfTheDog I was quoting a pp when referred to women being the gatekeepers of sex

I was actually saying probably badly that this is no longer the case I have several friends (males late 40's early 50's) who serial date. They say in the old days (when we were young) the woman would (for the want of a better word) withold sex, until you proved yourself worthy. The woman generally controlled when you first had sex. Now they can say that sex is an important part of the chemistry aspect (of the relationship) so they expect it a lot sooner and can be quite open about not expecting to wait for sex

They all seem to expect sex pretty soon and will mostly have sex with the woman even if they know the relationship doesn't have legs. A sort of "holding" relationship if you will.

I just think it's impossible to know how a man will behave after you've had sex.

Some are extremely good at pretending they want what what you want. And as a pp said, if you make them wait it just becomes more of challenge.

I'm gutted about this because sex is so important to me, and I only choose partners who I'm really into. I can't deal with the vulnerability and pain so I'm not risking it and therefore not having any sex at all.

I don't know what the solution is.

Just a thought.. I wonder if you are coming across as needy?

Sex is not a currency unless we make it that way - its a biological act not a contract.

If he pursues you based on looks without knowing anything about you of course its lust and looks based. You need to raise the bar and be on higher alert to red flags.

@onemansopera, I think you're missing a point though. Sex is not a contract but I don't want to have sex with somebody if I mean nothing to them. But men don't come right out and say that.

I'm not dating at all any more and I just cannot imagine wanting to. I did internet dating and avoided the obvious fuckboys but still ended up feeling a bit used. Not just once. I'm not naive, I'm not needy. I think it was partly because I hadn't the experience of men just outright lying and misleading me. I used to take people at face value (and men too). I'm not ugly but I was in my forties when I did OLD. I didn't think men would bother to dupe me and mislead me but the variety of ways in which you can be duped and mislead was eye-opening.

Plus ''sex is not a contract'' that robs me of my right to attribute any meaning to sex. Sex means what it means to ME. I'm 50% entitled to give it the meaning it has to me.

I don't get the reprimand ''sex is not a contract''. What does that even mean?

Ah yes @DrMorbius I knew it wasn't your words, it's just it gives me the chills the expression, I get this imagery of sex starved entitled men wanting to have sex with women and feeling aggrieved that the women are just keeping the men at arms' length. Those words ''gatekeepers to sex'' are a bit frightening. Very hand maids tale.

Yes I was caught out in a ''place holder'' relationship once except that I did not know I was in it. I only found out by reading something he wrote online which was pretty shocking. He turned out to have another massive secret. That was even more shocking.