Why do so many men want to use you for sex ?

[Username109876]

I know it's not all men and women do it too.
But it really hurts me how many are mainly interested in my physical appearance only, then chuck me aside and become this loving prince when they meet someone they actually care about and want to be with.
I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, but I feel like they meet me, get overexcited and think i'm hot, think with their downstairs, but when they actually get to know me they think, meh.

I never sleep with anyone immediately, I always wait a little. The men are looking for relationships because most of them now are in long-term relationships with other people.

I'm fairly quiet and introverted though I make an effort, and maybe they think my personality doesn't match my appearance if that makes sense.

It's why i'm choosing to be single. I've been talking to a guy who I know who lives abroad. I said i'd maybe go and visit at some point and you can just tell his brain lit up and he was thinking he was going to get laid. Now I haven't replied to one message he's thrown an innuendo out there. I'm not going to go as deep down I know he doesn't give a crap about me.

Anyone else feel this way ?

How are they using you for sex exactly if you're both participating in it repeatedly together 🤔

the image you describe is the fantasy material for many men, so no wonder many try it on and get very excited. Of course it's wrong of then to be saying emotional things, but they could confuse strong lust with emotions during first few dates.

It would be great if you could meet men who you can get to know for a some time - through work / interests / friends, so that they know yo u more as a person, and you'll know if they aer genuine. It's not easy to find single men in these situations, but you could try.

Online, I feel, is a disaster for women wo look overtly sexy as of course you'll get all the cocky ones approaching you, and wealthy guys as you say will have no problem buying you gifts to make sure you date them..

sorry for typos!

Better they use you for sex than string you along for their ego. I found mostly men who did the later. It isn't really about the sex, it's about having someone like them. Then when they think you are into them, they lose interest.

I have this issue too. Hot but boring! 😂 A couple of guys have actually told me that when they ended it.
I've given up on dating. I just have a fwb now, its easier and at least he is consistent.

hollie and they are hugely exciting as personalities, are they?! HOw rude are they, you need to go for a different type!

@rvby A lot of men are absolutely awful and are highly motivated to use women for sex. Most men will if they see an opportunity. I'm afraid it's not a myth. You say that women are conditioned- well men are conditioned to be motivated in this way. Arguably, testosterone also plays arole. I'm not saying all, but believe me it is many.

@Username109876 Success- you spotted one and ditched him- did you find that ditching him gave you a little boost? Obviously that he turned out to be not to your taste is disappointing, but I found with my latest that there was a certain boost in blocking someone who didn't treat me as I deserve. Feel that boost if you can- it is a glimmer of your self esteem and assertiveness.

Spending less time on the disrespectul men will mean you have more time for the decent ones.

Everyone's different, and it may be that it takes you a while longer to find someone than some others, which is a shame but you can seek to avoid being fucked over in the meantime.

You say maybe men get one impression from how you dress etc? I'm not saying it's your fault- however you can slightly change how you dress, make up etc in order to avoid some unwanted attention. When I changed areas I had to do this, because where I tended to live had some 'undesirables' so if for instance I wore quite a short skirt, I'd get an unpleasant type of attention.

Everyone has their own style they're comfortable with, so obviously youprobably won't want to change everything- for instance I like blonde hair and a strongish lipstick, and don't like trousers. But with a low cut dress/blouse for instance, you can put a stretchy camisole or something under it and keep it pulled up, so it hides cleavage but doesn't change the line of the outfit. I think that might make a big difference, that and ditching them early on if they act sleazy and you get that spider sense. Other hints could be how they talk about women in general, if they make any misogynistic comments about current affairs such as 'do you think the women accusing Harvey Weinstein are telling the truth?' etc.

You can keep an eye out but it's soo easy to get suckere in. The best time to stop being involved with a wrong'un is early on, while you're still objective and aren't invested in it. Best wishes xxxxx

@Pandamoore Yep, sex is just one form of narcissistic supply/ego boost for some guys.

And I'm not 100% anti-porn, but porn maybe plays a role IDK.

Thanks Cat! Similar to the op, perhaps it's a disconnect between physical appearance & personality - I'm actually quite nervous, shy, a homebird, history geek. I think they imagine I will be.. something else. Perhaps I need to be more true to myself in the early stages of dating. I tend to people please.
Good luck OP, I definitley get it, it's not easy out there.

Once talking about dating to a male relative who said that if a woman hadn't had sex with him by the end of the third date, she clearly 'wasn't interested in him'. No amount of discussion would lead him to believe otherwise.

If they think they can they will.
Decide what you want and don't settle for less.
I don't sleep with anyone until I think there's a relationship.
I've got it wrong just recently and dumped him as soon as I realised.
There was me him love bombing me and I fell for it.
I'm not gonna make that same mistake any time soon.
Have some time to yourself OP

Knickers are not on a time switch set to make them ping off after an acceptable period of time. Sex should not be seen as something women “give” to men. It should be something shared.

My sister laid her now husband within hours of meeting him. They met at a wedding which was in an hotel. They have been married some 10 years.

It's a form of communication love and understanding to me. Not personal gratification.
Oh and trust.
A bit scarred here OP. We live and learn.

@38StarlightLady lucky sister. That's the dream

@Monty27 - I’ll pass on your salutations. She is older than me and was my leading light.

Oh @Username109876I could have written this myself. I am in exactly the same boat. The best bit was post Christmas where over 3 days 3 guys I had previously dated all got in contact wanting no strings sex. That made me feel really good about myself.

I have started to wonder what is the matter with me but it isn’t me. It is them. The problem is that dating now is so easy and like a sweet shop so they can behave terribly and get away with it as always more choice.

It isn’t you I promise. Sorry you are also experiencing this because I know just how hard it can be and how it can make you feel

Where or how are you meeting these men?
Ask your male friends for there perspective about you and how you come across.
Love Hollieberrie's comment about at least her buddies Consistent

I wonder if women put more value into sex though, so if it doesn't work out, they then get depressed and feel exposed because they slept with the bloke. Op, I know it seems tiresome but dating these days has a bit of a candy shop mentality.

Like starlight sister I also slept with my dh on the first date, together 6 years now. Obviously he was attracted to me and I am and being together afterwards I don't think it's because of my sparkling wit and personality as such, it just clicked. I met him on the Tinder the most looks based app there probably is. Sex isn't a currency anc you're shagging them just as much as they're shagging you so I don't know where the being used mentality comes from. Not everyone one of these men could have been perfect ltr relationship fodder surely? If that's how you view dating as constant fishing to get a firm bite, you need to stop sleeping with them I think.

Women imagine this because they are socialized to believe that sex is some kind of currency. Where, if you pay a man with sex, he is supposed to love you in exchange.

When in reality, people have sex as a test run to see if there is chemistry, and if there isn't, they don't carry on with the relationship. If there is chemistry, the relationship continues, and love develops over time.
Absolutely. Sex is an important part of relationship for many people, but it's just one part.
I find the sex as currency / don't have sex early in a relationship because that proves you want a relationship to be unhelpful t times.

From what you say, I don’t think it’s particularly about the sex at all. It’s more about the connection you do/don’t have with these men. And I agree with pp there that the relationship will continue if the chemistry is there.

I agree with pp women are socialised to be gatekeepers of sex
I have several friends (males late 40's early 50's) who serial date. They say in the old days the woman would (for the want of a better word) withold sex, until you proved yourself worthy. The woman generally controlled when you first had sex. Now they can say that sex is an important part of the chemistry aspect, so they expect it a lot sooner and can be quite open about not expecting to wait for sex.

The other point I have said before is that men can be with someone as a make weight. Miss right now, not Miss right. Always intending to move along when something better turns up.

I don’t think it has anything to do with image. I’ve been used for sex over and over again (with some men flat-out lying for weeks/months to get it and then dumping me the same day) and I don’t wear much makeup or revealing clothes. I don’t project a sexual image at all but I’m still just seen as a sex object.

Read up about being the cool girl
If you aren’t telling people straight away what you want and picking them up on things that don’t suit you, then it’s inevitable that they probably don’t think this stuff bothers you that much. You are bothered but not showing it?

I started dating a different type of man. The ones that people always think are nice and don’t mention sex until they get a signal you are interested. In the past I dated very over confident men who I found sexually attractive but they knew they had a lot of options and I would do the cool girl thing and then it never lasted

I’m not a dating guru at all, I’m dating someone now who I have a lot of sex with but also I am confident and know if there was no sex he would still meet me to spend time with me. You just need to build an emotional connection with someone who is actually open to wanting the same thing. You need to see if the person you are talking to has any depth and wants to progress into a RS.

Getting to know someone as a person is very difficult if you get to know them in a dating scene. Are there any men that you Gould get to know in any different context, before considering them as can potential partners?