Expecting to much or heading towards being cocklodged?

[GinWeasley]

I don't know if I am being reasonable here or unreasonable, stressed and hormonal.

I am nearly six months pregnant and self employed. DP of five years lost his business last year. Before I got pregnant, he secured a reasonably well-paid job. Everything seemed settled and we had a plan for after the baby was born and for the first time in a long time doing OK money-wise.

Just after Christmas, something happened at his work place. He was falsely accused of something. Ultimately, he'd been there under six months, and he lost his job. We knew it was going to happen.

Including his suspension, he's been at home since the first week in the new year. He's just secured a job which starts next week. The wage is far below what we need. As things stand, I am not going to be able to have any more than two months off work after the baby.

His two months with no wages, plus taking a job several thousands less than the other one mean all my savings will be taken up buying baby things and making up the short fall.

We've had years of me compensating for his shortfall in money due to his business. It was finally supposed to be more equal. On the face of it, it isn't his fault what happened, losing the business and then his job. And he has been applying for lots of jobs.

When I get angry or frustrated at the situation he says hes done everything he can.

I feel like if the situation was reversed, I would be doing more to make sure I can support my family for a few months. Instead of just answering adverts (which he has done a lot to be fair), I would be going into pubs, bars and shops to ask about part-time work or ringing everyone I know to see if they had any temporary work. There's a lot of equipment left over from his business, which he has put on gumtree and ebay but hasn't sold. I'd have done a carboot, more ads, reduced prices, better photos etc.

Im feeling very resentful because I don't feel he has done enough and I feel it's all going to be down to me. I will step my own work up now and I'll probably be able to make some of it up. I just feel pissed off that I have to.

He feels he has done plenty and I am expecting too much.

I suddenly feel like I have got myself in a situation where I am about to have a baby with someone who cannot be relied upon and its making me scared. I don't think it's ever going to change.

If you think it isn't going to change, do you feel it is time to part ways and stick to the reality of supporting your baby on your own?

We can only go on what you have described and it doesn't sound good. I've been through similar with my ex-H (we divorced over 10 years ago). I supported him through failed business after failed business, he also got the sack from a job claiming it wasn't his fault. Over all he wasn't a bad person, but I couldn't hack the fact he was financially irresponsible and lived in a dream world half the time, wanting to be the big business man. It took it's toll, resentment set in for me and we split up.

It really does depend on how much more you can take. Will this new job last long? You say it wasn't his fault with the losing the business and his job, I'd beg to differ...he must have had some part in both regarding this. Was he proactive enough with the business?

Either way it is your decision going forward. You already have a heads up by being financially independent, so please don't lose that. Would you split with him now if a baby wasn't in the equation?

Thanks so much for your reply @pinkmonkeybird

Yeah, I'd have called it a day by now. Which is really sad as before Christmas, we were so loved up and happy about the baby.

And you are right - there were definitely mistakes he made with the business and losing his job was less his fault, but still preventable to a degree in hindsight.

I guess my sticking point at the moment is that he keeps telling me I'm not being fair in my expectations of him. I don't realise how difficult it is to get work and there's no point going into pubs or places anymore. Literally the only thing you can do is apply online. I just see him all day everyday on the sofa on his computer and it angers me that he isn't being proactive. But he says he is. It's been a long time since I went job hunting though. I am not being patient with him because of our previous experiences I suppose.

He's definitely on his way to cocklodging. There are loads of courses he can do, Reed have a lot, go to employment agencies with your CV and be flexible with what you will take in the short term. His CV should be on every agency and he would have had interviews by now had he done that. If you do decide to split he will have to pay CM but you will get help such as reduced council tax and maybe UC. Go on to entitled to website to see how it looks for you and baby.

I was all ready to come on and say cocklodgers but... I think pregnancy hormones may be making you a tiny bit unreasonable

He's absolutely right, all jobs are online. I've never known anything else. As long as he's putting in a couple of hours daily into searching for a job in all the right places (indeed, LinkedIn, Google jobs - Facebook jobs - sure some others will point out a few that I've missed) then I don't see what else he can do and in fact, he's taken a job with a pay cut, rather than no job at all. This isn't the actions of a cocklodgers.

Is he particularly handy!? Could he register for odd jobs, decorating, fixing fences. My DH has this as his backup plan if anything went wrong, registering on all the online sites for DIY jobs, and my god they're active!

I don't realise how difficult it is to get work and there's no point going into pubs or places anymore. Literally the only thing you can do is apply online is utter bullshit. What he means is he doesn't want to do the kind of work you walk into a pub for. I see loads of jobs advertised on my walk through town. I've been out of work a number of times over the years and while waiting to find a "proper job" ie one that I'm trained for and actually want to do, waiting on and shop work is what I've done to get by.

Having said that, at 6 months pregnant I wouldn't be making any big decisions.

I'm inclined to think that if you would've 'called it a day' if you weren't pregnant, then you should still 'call it a day' now.

He's not magically going to become a different person and you are still going to be the 'grown up' in the relationship. Do you really want your resentment to grow along with your DC ?

I'm also doubtful whether he can actually hold down a decent job with his track record ( also his past is what will hold him back from actually getting a good job) as it doesn't sound as if he even acknowledges HIS part in losing both his business or the last job !

Does he always blame others or circumstances for what goes wrong in his life/ work ?

As for his job searching, is he only applying for high status/ high pay jobs ? There's nothing to lose going door to door with his CV, but he's probably not going to get the kind of job he wants doing that, but he maybe could get a minimum wage job by doing that.

Hi, I have lived in different parts of the country from North to Midlands and the south. I am a self employed, single mum. My business is fun but often not producing much. Over the last 5 years I have once or twice a year knocked on shops, pubs, chip shops etc and secured a job pretty much instantly. Including last week getting one I started at that night! I did the same with my son last week who wanted a job. It's easy, go to any takeaway shop and he will be snapped up! He is just not wanting to get his hands dirty in a lower wage job!

If you watched the universal credit documentary you would have seen everything is online now and wont even take a cv. That said there are some smaller places that have a sign up but it sounds like he was trying to get something more than that and it didn't quite work out?
I'm on the fence with this one and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

When I was a single mum I worked two/three jobs whatever it took to support my family.
I rarely meet men who are prepared to do this.
You need to weigh up single life as opposed to life with him and how you would feel about being a single parent.
My ex husband did this for years and years and it was completely exhausting.
I was glad when he left after 20 years.

Oh, one of these! Been there, bought the tshirt (didn't procreate with any of them, though, so easier to split). This person fundamentally believes he is so superior he should only do certain types of work. They 'have their own business' because in their minds they believe they are too good to work for someone else; that would make them like ordinary people and they are not. Their work lives are a series of failed businesses, of jobs they lost (never their fault), or jobs they left (this is always due to someone else's fault), not applying for jobs and usually pinging from woman to woman who does the lion's share of lifework, childcare and money-earning.

They never change because their ego is such that they believe they are entitled to a living on their terms or it's not fair, everyone's against them, they're a victim here.

Often women don't spot this until later on in the relationship or until children come into the equation. But there it is: they have two children, the baby's father and the baby.

I'd cut your losses as all that will happen is he will bleed you dry and you will be exhausted from carrying all the load earning and all the lifework and childcare (this type of person is usually shit at the latter two as well) and getting more resentful. Do not do the he becomes a stay at home dad.

Are you renting? Can you move? I'd end this now so you can discuss childcare and custody arrangements.

It seems likely to happen again, so it isn’t unreasonable to set clear expectations of what you would need to see.

If he registered with a temping agency he could get work by turning up there 9.00 in his work clothes. As calls come in the agency are likely to pick you, because they know you are not still in bed!

OP - if the roles were reversed - you’d be told you were being unreasonable.
Your partner is not sitting around refusing a to find a job.
He lost a business, found/lost a job, found another one.
It happens to pay less than you’d like. But life is like that. It happens.
He seems not to share your anxiety over how much is needed for the family. And partially it’s a judgement, isn’t it.
If you have your own business - can’t you get him to help you with some of it?

The other parts of your post I also find quite unreasonable. Your love and happiness in a relationship seems to be tied to his earning potential. Seems rather transactional.
Why is it a problem that you make more than him - men often make more than their partners; why is that an issue the other way around?
If you needed to be with someone who earns more than you - you shouldn’t have chosen your partner. It’s unfair to punish him now for how he is - and he is less ambitious than you, and has always been.
If you can’t accept him then you should leave, rather than punish him.

These are a type......lots of us have seen how they operate - and where this goes.

This isn’t a one off - you have been frustrated and compensating him for years.

This will continue and the lack of money will be the least of your worries. I would plan to go this alone as he will emotionally drain and distract you - which leaves less for your baby.

Hi OP, Lots of people have given you good advice here (@datagingercatspot I wish I'd met you 11 years ago! 🥴), just wanted to add my warning too. My ex P was one of these breed of bums and over the years the resentment that built gnawed away at our relationship, I stupidly thought him being a sahd would be great for our family, all it did was make the resentment worse year by year. Your post could have been written by me, your partner is displaying subtle examples of his true work ethic, failure to take responsibility for his own failures and huge entitlement. Your baby could keep you together for a few more years quite easily if you let it, if you already feel like your relationship is not equal, a baby in the mix will not help matters. I wish I had known how to spot the red flags of having loser as a partner.
Being a single parent is damn hard work but I'd rather that then feeling continually pissed off I had to shoulder the full weight of our family finances, organising the home and family schedules, keeping food on the table, planning ahead, keeping a home comfortable and clean etc...
Don't let the fear of becoming a single parent or bringing your baby into a "broken family" hold you to this man, leave now and provide for you and your child. You sound like you will be an excellent, independent, stable and responsible mother, your baby will be lucky to have a mum like you, you'll always put your child first and do what's necessary to make sure it has everything it needs, emotionally and financially. Sounds like you can't say the same for your partner.
Good luck

Yeah, I'd not go for the his being a stay at home dad. He'll do FA.

@MMmomDD Why is it unreasonable to expect the man in the situation to be putting in more of an effort in supporting their pregnant partner financially? The OP is self employed and has spent years upholding him financially. There comes a point when that starts to be a drain, not only financially but emotionally. And that is the point the OP has reached. She's due to have a baby, is self employed and is having to use her savings to buy baby equipment...she will also probably have to take the minimal of maternity leave. It isn't transactional at all, the partner has taken the OP for granted.

Thanks for everyone's replies, I had to go out and will read properly through now and reply properly...

@MMmomDD it's a problem because I am the one giving birth to a baby and could be in a situation in a couple of months time where I have to rely on him. He has relied on me financially for the last couple of years. It became more equal but has reversed again. I could be in a situation where I have to go back to work quickly. What if I have complications? What if I need a cesarean? I am the only one concerned about how we would manage

That he keeps making avoidable mistakes yet feels he is doing plenty is what would make me resentful.

Has he a plan for better paid work?

You sound like you will be an excellent, independent, stable and responsible mother, your baby will be lucky to have a mum like you, you'll always put your child first and do what's necessary to make sure it has everything it needs, emotionally and financially. Sounds like you can't say the same for your partner.

I echo @Taetoes.

I think you're being unreasonable. I was him two years ago. It's not that's way to just walk in and get a job, especially if he's had senior positions. In fact I just had a very interesting phone call with a lady at the national careers advice and they said that ultimately it you're too experienced it's not that easy to land an entry level job.

I am the only one concerned about how we would manage

That would be enough for me.

@PinkMonkeyBird and @taetoes - thanks for that lovely boost!

I'm not afraid of single motherhood, I've done it before. I have a DD and a strong work ethic, we managed great. Infact, I was a lot better off a few years ago on my own before the business disaster. I am scared of splitting and upsetting my DD, she adores him. I dont want to be the one who keeps breaking up with my children's fathers. I really thought it was different this time.

I might be being harsh and I've no doubt it is very difficult to get a job. I said at the beginning, as long as you've done everything you can, it will be OK. But I'm not sure he has - for example he was supposed to go back to an agency with his passport but never did. He only put his kit on ebay last week after an argument. He has more than 1,000 friends on FB, most of them in the hospitality trade - after an argument today, he's only just put in calls to some contacts to see if anyone had any bar work or shifts.

We will manage, I will make sure we're not short. It's just he promised it wouldn't all be down to me this time.

I don't think he's doing this intentionally to be be shit.i think he does care but he doesn't seem to consider anything other than doing just enough to stop me getting annoyed. We argue, I say in anger a few things he should or could have done. He goes off and does them and then leaves it for another week until I get frustrated with the sight of him on the sofa again. And round and round we go.

This rant feels very cathartic. Thanks loads for reading

*I am the only one concerned about how we would manage

That would be enough for me*

He says 'of course I am. What more do you want me to do?' He doesn't even know how much money he has left. He hasn't even enquired about paternity leave arrangements in his new job. I asked how we were going to pay this month's rent, he said wed used money his parents gave us towards baby things. I asked what we'd do after the baby is born and his wages aren't enough for us to live on he said hed have to go and see his dad. It just doesn't sit right with me. I would work two jobs before I did that.

You sound like you will be an excellent, independent, stable and responsible mother, your baby will be lucky to have a mum like you, you'll always put your child first and do what's necessary to make sure it has everything it needs, emotionally and financially. Sounds like you can't say the same for your partner.

This is the emotionally stable life that your baby could have in a calm and peaceful home. You may have less money - but you will have certainty, consistency and control - those are gold dust to a child.

If you stay with him you will have continuous uncertainty and deepening resentment. You will be on pins, always looking over your shoulder spinning plates and having to think up contingency’s to plan yourself out of the next mess he lands you all in. This will preoccupy you and drain your finite emotional reserves which leaves little for your baby and their development. You need to conserve and prioritise your energy and emotional focus for your child not dissipate it all away on his antics.

What have his behaviours been like in the 2 months he has been off - has he upped his attentiveness for his working pregnant partner - has he taken on all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry and financial planning as he has the time? Does he cook you a meal? Has he taken the opportunity to decorate the baby’s room, sort any outstanding DIY etc?

Is he in partnership with you - shoulder to shoulder building this family and home?

Because if he isn’t - he is just a drag anchor and your baby would be better with your sole focus.