Expecting to much or heading towards being cocklodged?

[GinWeasley]

I don't know if I am being reasonable here or unreasonable, stressed and hormonal.

I am nearly six months pregnant and self employed. DP of five years lost his business last year. Before I got pregnant, he secured a reasonably well-paid job. Everything seemed settled and we had a plan for after the baby was born and for the first time in a long time doing OK money-wise.

Just after Christmas, something happened at his work place. He was falsely accused of something. Ultimately, he'd been there under six months, and he lost his job. We knew it was going to happen.

Including his suspension, he's been at home since the first week in the new year. He's just secured a job which starts next week. The wage is far below what we need. As things stand, I am not going to be able to have any more than two months off work after the baby.

His two months with no wages, plus taking a job several thousands less than the other one mean all my savings will be taken up buying baby things and making up the short fall.

We've had years of me compensating for his shortfall in money due to his business. It was finally supposed to be more equal. On the face of it, it isn't his fault what happened, losing the business and then his job. And he has been applying for lots of jobs.

When I get angry or frustrated at the situation he says hes done everything he can.

I feel like if the situation was reversed, I would be doing more to make sure I can support my family for a few months. Instead of just answering adverts (which he has done a lot to be fair), I would be going into pubs, bars and shops to ask about part-time work or ringing everyone I know to see if they had any temporary work. There's a lot of equipment left over from his business, which he has put on gumtree and ebay but hasn't sold. I'd have done a carboot, more ads, reduced prices, better photos etc.

Im feeling very resentful because I don't feel he has done enough and I feel it's all going to be down to me. I will step my own work up now and I'll probably be able to make some of it up. I just feel pissed off that I have to.

He feels he has done plenty and I am expecting too much.

I suddenly feel like I have got myself in a situation where I am about to have a baby with someone who cannot be relied upon and its making me scared. I don't think it's ever going to change.

I had the same as Pinkmonkeybird - cocklodger who was self employed but didn’t earn anything, refused to get a job as he didn’t want to work for anyone else, he liked to be the big man. As others have said the resentment gradually built up, all financial responsibility on me, he was just a happy go lucky , Baloo the Bear type , nice friendly type, but refused to be an adult - I ended up feeling like I had an extra middle aged child!

After 7 years I could take it no more, gave him an ultimatum and said contribute financially or go - he shrugged and left. Now pays not a penny maintenance for DD either , and seems unconcerned about that. (Cocklodges with new girlfriend now).

I would say don’t let him be a SAHD as you’ll end up still doing all the ‘wife work’ , housework, plus bringing in the money. And if you do separate down the line - he will be primary carer.

Give the baby your surname too. I did and very glad I did.

We argue, I say in anger a few things he should or could have done. He goes off and does them and then leaves it for another week until I get frustrated with the sight of him on the sofa again. And round and round we go.

He is an irresponsible man child - it’s like having a teenager that you have to nag.

Don’t let him turn you into this angry, nagging, resentful person - that’s not who you are. It’s exhausting for you and disrespectful. You DD and the baby don’t need an angry, agitated, exhausted Mum - don’t let his behaviour turn you into this.

What have his behaviours been like in the 2 months he has been off - has he upped his attentiveness for his working pregnant partner - has he taken on all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, laundry and financial planning as he has the time? Does he cook you a meal? Has he taken the opportunity to decorate the baby’s room, sort any outstanding DIY etc?

To be fair - kind of. He's lovely to me and always has been, he has stepped up his housework. We had a couple of huge arguments in the first few weeks because he was staying in bed but he hasn't done that since. I think it's because he's well aware of my feelings about everything.

He's doing more than he would - but by no means everything. He's still messy and doesn't think to do things. He often jumps up to pitch in when I start doing housework. Tells me to rest and he'll do it but will then will often forget or not finish it off etc.

His hearts in the right place. He spends a lot of time in the evenings learning something to do with making computer games. I resent that time as I think it's responsible for a lot. He's well practiced in doing what he needs to do so I can't moan at him for not doing enough. I think he walks on egg shells a bit in that way.

It's all a bit fucked up really isn't it

Don’t let him turn you into this angry, nagging, resentful person - that’s not who you are. It’s exhausting for you and disrespectful. You DD and the baby don’t need an angry, agitated, exhausted Mum - don’t let his behaviour turn you into this.

This is what I feel like and I am honestly not naturally like that usually. I feel like it's stopping me from working to my best too because I'm always worrying or planning or discussing. I'm under pressure and need to focus and do well with my work, but I'm cutting corners.

@GaraMedouar Baloo the Bear type
OMG yessss! Exactly this. Big friendly giant, openly adoring, but...

You're flirting between trying to be understanding and supportive... and knowing deep down what he actually is. I get it, it's really scary to actually admit what you've got yourself into.

So much of what you are posting is ringing alarm bells with me and my experience. He tries to make you feel guilty for putting pressure on him to provide and plan and organise, you shouldn't need to coax and push him to do ANY of these things in an equal relationship. When you said he spent his days in bed for a couple of weeks.. THAT is the true man you are with, now he's behaving because you've had to tell him off like a child. Seriously, put your efforts into your actual children and let them reap the rewards of having a calm, in control, organised mum. He's dead weight in your life.

*flitting

Gin - he does sound like my exP to a T. The other description I have of my exP is a human Labrador . Which made it so hard to finally give him an ultimatum. Even a year or so prior I would say , eventually this will have to end, and he would nod and agree with me, and just look at me with big doggy eyes. He knew full well, and I kept hoping and hoping he would step up, just a bit. I only asked him to contribute £100 a week for everything- rent, bills, food. But he couldn’t even pay me that. He refused point blank to get a salaried job. Even 2 days a week as a delivery driver, he tried that, was too much like hard work getting up early and doing the deliveries.,
But, if ever he had cash in his pocket, he would want to get a takeaway, or buy a DVD or something. He was like a big friendly toddler ! His DD adores him , she still sees him, and he’s cuddly , and takes her out to the cinema, beach etc , but has no overnights , doesn’t want them and as I said no maintenance at all . I can’t understand why a fully adult ‘normal ‘ man doesn’t feel that he needs to support his flesh and blood. I work full time, commute nearly 2 hours to earn a good wage all going on my 3 kids, I hate my job but do it to support my kids.

How many men are there like this, I read mn and it looks like half the male population of the UK! Have they no pride.

If he was falsely accused how did he end up loosing his job?

Bananalanacake - no they don’t have any pride. I couldn’t understand my exP not having any pride. I still don’t. I’d do anything to support and provide for my kids.

@GaraMedouar Yes, mine was similar too!! The Big Baloo type and everyone likes him. After we split he ran his finances even more into the ground on purpose and gives me the minimum maintenance for our DC.

He has gone on to remarry and have more children. Over the years his work ethic has improved but, he still likes to live above his means (which was one of my other resentments). I was round their house one day to pick up my DC and stayed for a cup of coffee. Their credit card statement was on the side..it was kind of unavoidable to see (and yes I was being a bit nosy) and it confirmed to me that he hadn't changed much at all. He used to go cap in hand to his dad (who is wealthy) and it honestly used to make me despair. I hated being beholden to his dad. I don't think that will have changed either.

I then made the mistake of getting involved with another manchild after I got divorced and that is another story. I'm now in a relationship with someone a lot more grounded and if we lived together would definitely not be a cocklodger.

@PinkMonkeyBird - my exP has debts coming out of his ears, the last straw (well one of them) was a debt collector turning up at the door when exP was out. He would have people phoning him chasing such as Vanquis Credit card - put down the phone and say to me ‘god, don’t know why they’re chasing me, I’ve no money , I’ve told them I can’t pay’ and just shrug. If that were me I’d be trying to get an extra job to pay it off, I’d at least be worried , but he just didn’t have a care in the world. Because he has no assets then no bailiff can take anything from him! he just lives off air ( and whatever else he can get people to give him). But he has no wealthy parents to bail him out - just idiot girlfriends like me who keep hoping he will change!
Well done for meeting someone more equal - does he have a brother ? I think if I ever do meet anyone again then we will stay in separate houses. I don’t want to be taken for a mug again.

I am scared of splitting and upsetting my DD, she adores him. I dont want to be the one who keeps breaking up with my children's fathers. I really thought it was different this time.

Sadly, you're not a good judge of character from the sounds of it, but you are flogging a dead horse here and he has cost you money that is for your children. He's costing you money that is meant for your CHILDREN. Let that sink in because Taetoes is spot in, you are afraid to admit to yourself what he really is and that you picked another doozy to have a child with, but that will not change who and what he is.

He will never change. You will always be the one doing all the heavy lifting, you already have been for years and years, you just talked yourself into thinking this was okay because he's 'nice'.

But he's irresponsible and a manchild and that's how he will always be. You have lost a lot of money already over him and he will continue to cost you.

You either cut your losses now or accept that you've now got 3 children.

I think my ex P likes people going out of their way to help him, I'd be embarrassed to ask some of the things he expects people to do for him but he has no shame at all. When I kicked him out he went to sleep on the sofa of one of the school dads for nearly 3 weeks , they barely knew him but he's really good at finding people who want to help no matter how put out it makes them...and he will just take, take, take with no remorse or much thanks. I was one of those mugs . If we were ever short for a big bill, he'd ask his parents for money, he'd go from his dad, to his mum to his step dad n rotation each time rather than get a bloody job.
If any of these stories that we're all posting sound like your partner Gin, RUN FOR THE HILLS!

@datasgingercatspot yes, we know! .. ALL my money goes on my children and I now. My wages haven't gone up since he left but I'm still astounded at just how much more money I have to treat us all now, I've even opened a little savings account!

@taetoes @PinkMonkeyBird @Gutterton - yes, he has elements of all of them. He makes a lot of noise about not wanting to ask others for help, but he always needs to. He made a big fuss when my DF offered to lend him money when he was struggling with his business. He was selling a vehicle and dad offered to give him the amount needed in the interim. Then it took two months of me nagging him daily and getting cross before he got round to selling it and giving my dad the money back. Why I didnt tell him to get lost then I don't know.

Sadly, @datasgingercatspot I think you are right. I onow you are. I said the same to my mum the other say 'I don't half pick' em' and she agreed. She loved him, thought he was marvellous until he made a big show of asking their permission to propose and said he was going to pick up a ring etc. Then he proposed with a borrowed ring. Told me we'd go and get one but we never did because he never had any money. Mum has never really forgiven him for that because it was all so public and unnecessary.

Anyway, I don't think I'll ever want to get into another live in relationship either.

I feel a bit stuck today. We argued about all of this this morning. I said some pretty stark things such as I dont trust him and he has let us down. The atmosphere is terrible. I can't concentrate even though I have deadlines. I feel like it might be shooting myself in the foot to ask him to leave. Because then when I do have the baby, I would be under even more 0ressire to continue working and look after a newborn with no help.

You can't unsee what you know now, it will just keep eating away at you
I'm saying dump him but I went through 2 or 3 years before I finally had enough and told him I wanted him to get a job or leave. I understand how easy it is to keep living (getting though) day to day until another month goes by, then another, then another.. and then the children are here, growing up in a home with parents together... and more months pass.. then when you do have enough, you have to work through the guilt of breaking up your family. It's really hard on everyone.

You're at one of lifes crossroads right now, your thoughts must be swimming with options and consequences.
What is the number one, most important, priority in your life, Gin? Use that to focus your decision.

What he did regarding the engagement is a typical covert hostile passive aggressive act - it was deliberate to humiliate you as he probably feels forced somehow - can’t articulate that verbally so “acts out” a resistance.

If you are under stress with him the spikes in cortisol and adrenaline will be impacting your unborn baby. If you are constantly preoccupied, anxious and frustrated with him consider if your DCs deserve this. Money is one thing but a calm and peaceful home with a gentle attuned mother is a much more precious gift.

Taetoes is right - it does take time to process, and you do keep hoping you’ll turn the corner. But it goes on and on. Funnily enough my mum lent exP money to buy a car until he got some through from a sale, I was furious with my mum (only as I was worried she’d not see it again) , she did get her money back but only as the money did materialise , if it had fallen through she would have lost it.

I knew even then, but that was before I had DD, still took me another 4 years to have all the resentment build up, and finally give him the ultimatum.

I did though give DD my surname , I just knew he was going to walk, deep down I knew , and I chose my surname as I didn’t want DD to be only one in the house with her surname (my older 2DS already had my surname). So now we all have same surname.

Don't give the baby his surname! I wouldn't marry him, either.

If you lived separately, how would you manage separately? Look at the Entitled To website and enter your details.

Maybe it's not a matter of splitting up as such but living separately and him being responsible for his own finances?

I was a lot better off a few years ago on my own
I bet. You'd be better off like that again I think. He can contribute via child maintenance.

I am scared of splitting and upsetting my DD, she adores him. I dont want to be the one who keeps breaking up with my children's fathers.
It is a good lesson to show your DD that women don't have to let men take advantage and do the minimum. She will be seeing how you do everything, you "nag", work, housework, organisation are allowed to be optional for the bepenised one.

You should probably have a think about why you don't dump the wet losers sooner though.

Gin steady your horses. He is contributing . And it sounds as though he has took any job to fill the gap out of worry. And he isn’t taking advantage

I’ve been a single parent and I’ve been in a situation where you are when dh business went bust. We had school fees, car fees, mortgage but we pulled it together.

Money causes so much anxiety in relationships. You said that before Xmas you were all loved up, that won’t have gone over night. It’s the anxiety over whelming you.

Don’t do anything rash at the moment.

He isn’t a cocklodger but I think your resentful for having supported him all those years with the business and the fact he can’t keep a good job going. I would say see how it goes with the job he has next week and encourage him nicely to look for others. Think hormones are involved here coming from another pregnant women here. Don’t leave him he is trying, just support him and encourage him rather then fighting with him.