Expecting to much or heading towards being cocklodged?

[GinWeasley]

I don't know if I am being reasonable here or unreasonable, stressed and hormonal.

I am nearly six months pregnant and self employed. DP of five years lost his business last year. Before I got pregnant, he secured a reasonably well-paid job. Everything seemed settled and we had a plan for after the baby was born and for the first time in a long time doing OK money-wise.

Just after Christmas, something happened at his work place. He was falsely accused of something. Ultimately, he'd been there under six months, and he lost his job. We knew it was going to happen.

Including his suspension, he's been at home since the first week in the new year. He's just secured a job which starts next week. The wage is far below what we need. As things stand, I am not going to be able to have any more than two months off work after the baby.

His two months with no wages, plus taking a job several thousands less than the other one mean all my savings will be taken up buying baby things and making up the short fall.

We've had years of me compensating for his shortfall in money due to his business. It was finally supposed to be more equal. On the face of it, it isn't his fault what happened, losing the business and then his job. And he has been applying for lots of jobs.

When I get angry or frustrated at the situation he says hes done everything he can.

I feel like if the situation was reversed, I would be doing more to make sure I can support my family for a few months. Instead of just answering adverts (which he has done a lot to be fair), I would be going into pubs, bars and shops to ask about part-time work or ringing everyone I know to see if they had any temporary work. There's a lot of equipment left over from his business, which he has put on gumtree and ebay but hasn't sold. I'd have done a carboot, more ads, reduced prices, better photos etc.

Im feeling very resentful because I don't feel he has done enough and I feel it's all going to be down to me. I will step my own work up now and I'll probably be able to make some of it up. I just feel pissed off that I have to.

He feels he has done plenty and I am expecting too much.

I suddenly feel like I have got myself in a situation where I am about to have a baby with someone who cannot be relied upon and its making me scared. I don't think it's ever going to change.

I have the impression he is playing for time, stringing you along and saying whatever he thinks will keep you sweet in the moment....

If you don't get this man out of your house, he will default to SAHD with you doing all the housework and wifework and he will become resident parent with you paying him child maintenance. Whatever you do, don't marry him. I would see a family solictor about this and see what they say about child arrangements if you split with him at home not working. You really don't have much time to act and protect yourself.

I bet he did do what he's accused of and is probably intentionally unemployed.

What are his spending habits like? I would go bananas if after all this he was still spending money on hobbies or anything non-essential. And I certainly wouldn't fund it.

I feel your pain and like you have a partner like this (though I'm more years in) and a previous failed marriage with one DS. Looking back now the signs were there from the beginning with DP... but I didn't pick them up. At first things appeared equal and because I earnt a bit more (and was working part time) I was ok about picking up a bit more financially. Fast forward ten years and DP, who always moaned about working and hating his job, shared childcare during this time but now all DC are at school on the part time days off he has, nothing much domestic seems to happen... and I am now working full time and knackered. Not having foresight, things 'surprising him' because he has simply not anticipated or frankly 'thought' at all, and me running round holding everything together, is now the norm for him. Me questioning that positions me in the role of the nag like I am parenting a teenager - and that is not a role I choose. I've told him now hat there is no future in us... but like one of the other posters said, it's awful how time passes and you can be locked into these things for years. Stupidly I thought originally I had found a more equal relationship. In fact I just found an additional child. I hope things work out for you. It sounds like you are efficient and organised... it sounds as well like you will only end up getting tired, irritated and put upon as things go forward if you stay. I would start getting your plan in place... and keep your own money separate. My DP only started realising his poor position when I stopped quietly subbing things. So when he was fussing about holiday last summer I said 'well what can you pay and I will double it and we can then decide where to go on that basis... ?' Needless to say, we then went nowhere. I have all my money in my own accounts now and am now in a more powerful position and he is less comfortable though still not able to step up... So if you are going to split, I would suggest you ensure now that what's yours is yours...