Expecting to much or heading towards being cocklodged?

[GinWeasley]

I don't know if I am being reasonable here or unreasonable, stressed and hormonal.

I am nearly six months pregnant and self employed. DP of five years lost his business last year. Before I got pregnant, he secured a reasonably well-paid job. Everything seemed settled and we had a plan for after the baby was born and for the first time in a long time doing OK money-wise.

Just after Christmas, something happened at his work place. He was falsely accused of something. Ultimately, he'd been there under six months, and he lost his job. We knew it was going to happen.

Including his suspension, he's been at home since the first week in the new year. He's just secured a job which starts next week. The wage is far below what we need. As things stand, I am not going to be able to have any more than two months off work after the baby.

His two months with no wages, plus taking a job several thousands less than the other one mean all my savings will be taken up buying baby things and making up the short fall.

We've had years of me compensating for his shortfall in money due to his business. It was finally supposed to be more equal. On the face of it, it isn't his fault what happened, losing the business and then his job. And he has been applying for lots of jobs.

When I get angry or frustrated at the situation he says hes done everything he can.

I feel like if the situation was reversed, I would be doing more to make sure I can support my family for a few months. Instead of just answering adverts (which he has done a lot to be fair), I would be going into pubs, bars and shops to ask about part-time work or ringing everyone I know to see if they had any temporary work. There's a lot of equipment left over from his business, which he has put on gumtree and ebay but hasn't sold. I'd have done a carboot, more ads, reduced prices, better photos etc.

Im feeling very resentful because I don't feel he has done enough and I feel it's all going to be down to me. I will step my own work up now and I'll probably be able to make some of it up. I just feel pissed off that I have to.

He feels he has done plenty and I am expecting too much.

I suddenly feel like I have got myself in a situation where I am about to have a baby with someone who cannot be relied upon and its making me scared. I don't think it's ever going to change.

He also isn’t a bum he has found paid work. I’m shocked at some of these replies.

How do you know he isn’t concerned about money? Just because he is not acting frantic like you doesn’t mean he isn’t worried about it

She has been with him for 5 years - nearly all of that time he was either playing at a failing business or sacked/unemployed (ie now) - there was a brief period - less than 6 months - when he got a job a regular wage and the OP felt secure and loved up (probably for the first time and only time in the whole 5 years). But he f*cked that up in no time at all, like his business and probably like the next job he will soon start.

You don’t need to live on this knife edge OP - his history tells you everything you need to know and where this will end up again. Your baby and DD don’t need to be exposed to this stress. Funny how DD thinks he’s great (probably because he has a v relaxed easy life with you doing everything) and you her DM has become the angry, exhausted, stressed out nag - she will see that.

@Bagofoldbones yes he is contributing, you're right. But it just always falls short of stepping up properly.

Last year, the effort to get him to pick himself up and go and get a job was unreal. It took 4 months - all my money had gone too. He lied and lied and then promised me it would never happen again and it was just because of the devastation of losing the business. So now, the fact its taken him two months to find a job, he hasn't taken any opportunities to make extra money in the mean time and seemed completely unconcerned about what will happen now he's taken a big pay cut. It just doesn't occur to him that he is equally as responsible as me in working these things out. And its always him that puts us in this position.

He DOES contribute but I just don't know if its enough, not just financially but all over. We do generally have a lovely relationship.if I can put it all to one side, we are great. But resentment is kicking in big time. It doesn't help either that I'm pregnant, my sex drive is sky high and yet his already low drive has now disappeared. I just keep thinking what is the point?

It's not just about the money - I can make cutbacks, I could see us through. We're going on holiday next month, paid for by my family but still requiring several hundred pounds spends. He hasn't mentioned how it will be afforded. He just expects me to cover it, I know he does. And that will be money I could have used to have more time off work after having the baby. And half of me thinks, we're a unit, of course I should pay for him go and the other half of me thinks why should I make that sacrifice? Again? He'd make a big noise about doing the same in reverse, but it will never be in reverse. I have to make most of the money, do all the thinking and mental load and grow the baby! Sorry, the more I write the crosser I am getting. I can't vent in real life properly because to be honest it's just embarrassing.

@gutrerton interesting theory regarding the engagement but there was literally no pressure at all to propose. I would have wanted to wait until we were ready to save to get married before we got engaged. It was totally out of the blue, a lovely surprise at the time. But then just another broken promise in the end.

@Bagofoldbones I'm actually not acting frantic. Im managing a lot of work and our home lives exactly the same. We've had weekly arguments the last few weeks because things don't seem to change. He knew very well when he applied for these jobs that at nearly 40 and our current outgoings, it wasn't going to be enough. And I know he hasnt been secretly worrying to himself because he is genuinely surprised when I point things out. Genuinely not thought to consider the answer to questions such as - where do you think the money is going to come from? What will happen if I can't work within two months?

Your last post has brought me out in hives.

It’s like pushing water up hill.

Know that either he is deliberately resisting you by being covertly obstructive or he is such an entitled man child leaving you to do all the “mothering”.

At best you are just not compatible and don’t have the same values to equally contribute in partnership to run this family. At worst he will exhaust you - life doesn’t need to be this hard.

He should feel more protective of you and his child. He should be doing more to prevent the stress of financial difficulties, and the uncertainty. This is not about him finding a job, or finding a job with the right wage...it is about a long standing lack of regard for your well-being. He may not prioritise money and security, but he should respect that you do and work together to build capital through working. You would be financially better off as a single parent, and the fact he is willing to take a holiday funded by your family is waving a huge red flag at you. He clearly is willing to take whatever is handed to him on a plate, and that points to a lack of pride and self-respect. You are not his mother, and you will soon be a mother to a child who will need you to build them a future...school clubs, basic living expenses, driving lessons, University fees...it is hard to do that when you are with a man who is not contributing what he should to the household, and does not see the problem. Your resentment of him is evident in the way you write, and justified. I would feel the same way, and have dumped men for similar reasons. This is not one blip but a protracted tale of unreliable earnings and a poor immature attitude. You need to think hard about your future with him.

Why are you flogging this dead horse.

He feels entitled to spend other people's money rather than work.

If he were taking on the mental load it would be less bad. If he were cutting every last penny from the spending, it could be tolerable.

Expecting your family to pay for him to go on holiday, what the actual fuck?

Surely he can't go on the holiday anyway? He will have just started a new job.

Why are you flogging this dead horse that's what I've started to ask myself. Although now I think it's more of a case of feeling a bit trapped.

The holiday is an annual thing. My parents pay for a big house and all the siblings and grandkids go. In return, the siblings pay all expenses between us etc. When you start a new job apparently you can tell them about previously booked holidays. But I don't think you get paid for it.

You write things like his heart is in the right place but everything else says his heart is most definitely not in the right place.

OK so he does selfish lazy entitled man child with a doofus smile on his face not an angry outburst. I do see that's a less bad way of being a selfish lazy entitled man child. He's still selfish. He's still lazy. He's still entitled. He's still a bloody teenager.

Like fuck I'd let other people pay for his holiday. I'd hate every minute of it. I'd be mortified too.

He can't afford to holiday then can he?

He can't afford his share of the expenses.

He can't afford the time unpaid.

Has he noticed this himself?

Have you asked him directly to look for a second job? Would he refuse? I assume now he has this job starting he isn't still looking for another, even though he should because he needs to move to a better paid one.

Urgh I feel you so much in your last posts, I was there.. emotionally drained, lonely, exhausted, unsupported, put upon, it's a daily grind

Being pregnant heightens your need to plan ahead for the future, the responsibility of providing for the imminent arrival of another little person certainly focuses the mind. I think that's what's happening here, your hormones will be rushing about heightening any little niggles in life. Well listen to them... call it mothers intuition

Another poster suggested you live apart for now. I think if you aren't ready to go full LTB this would be a good option to discuss together. He can go off and learn some self care and you can grow your baby in a calm and quiet environment where you only need to think about yourself, your DD and the baby.
Can your parents support you at all? You seem to have a good relationship with your mum?

Yes the bumbling buffoon persona is an easy contrived mask to hide his lazy, selfish, entitled man child “activity”

What the region of the UK do you live OP? I live in the south of England.

My lodger was made redundant as soon as he moved in, he got a job in the local kitchen pub as a KP the very next week. He has not been out of work longer than a week, but then he doesn't have a pregnant girlfriend to leach off.

He has had several low paying jobs and has now secured a good permanent job. Took him about 3 months but he worked every day except a week here and there.

Your parent is a cocklodger. Unless you're in deepest darkest Wales or the NorthEast of England, there are plenty of jobs out there. The wages may not be good but he should be doing them whilst applying for a "real" job.

Have you asked him directly to look for a second job? Would he refuse?

I told him a few weeks ago that every week now he doesn't earn is pretty much a week less off work for me after the baby is born because we will be dipping into my savings. He seemed shocked.

A week or so ago, I reminded him and said he needed to ask around his contacts for part time, shift work, anything, get cracking on selling his stuff etc. He acted as though it was the first time he'd heard it and was sceptical because he'd just had a job offer. I reminded him he didn't start for two weeks, it would mean two months of no earning and he was taking a substantial pay cut. He agreed he would need a second job. He made a call to a mate and also remembered they had hold of an expensive piece of kit of his he could sell.

Today, I asked how that had gone. He hadn't gone to pick it up, hadn't phoned anymore contacts (he has many) and said he hasn't been able to find any part time bar work online. But again, agreed it was. Important he do it.

He phoned a few people and instantly got a offers to pop over and see people. He was unsure though as he starts his new job next week and I said I am banging my head against a wall because you should have done this two months ago.

@WhiteBadger - north west. Not as easy as London but not bad. He's in the hospitality trade as well. Has been for 20 years, he could get something I know it.

@taetoes Ive ended up speaking to my sister this evening and telling her most of it. She already suspected some. She suggested the same that I tell him to go and stay at his parents so I can focus and he can decide to be an adult or not. I'm thinking about it very hard

You might find without him there, that you will be better off financially and you can take longer off than you thought. Check out entitled2, put all your figures in as a single parent of two and see what it comes out at.

OP,
@madcatladyforever
@datasgingercatspot

Are spot on.
He reads as someone who you will always have to carry and pick up after.

He's another child who will have you worn out with disappointment, false starts and promises.

He will never step up.
His ego and sense of entitlement is huge.

He's a type.
Most people know of one of them in their circle, whatever class they inhabit.

They are work shy and any problem is down to someone or something else.

I call them "woulda, should, coulda" people.

Utterly exhausting.

You DO sound like a really great woman.
You can do without him.

It will be easier in the short run....not to mind the long run.

He lied? Lovely.

So where is the incentive for him to change? You are still paying the bills, cooking, cleaning, trying to reason with him, help him, guide him. What exactly is his incentive, he doesn't even have to think for himself sounds like.

Where are you living? Mortgage or rented? Move somewhere cheaper and do it right now, on your own. His history says he will bleed you dry.

He's in hospitality? Flipping heck. My local facebook group often (I mean at least once a week) has notices up looking for bar staff, waiting staff and kitchen porters. I also see signs on shops/cafes on a fairly regular basis.

I could see him not wanting to take a bar job if he's a computer programmer, but if he works in the hospitality industry that is ridiculous.

Are his parents comfortably off? He sounds like someone for whom something (usually parents) always comes along to bail him out.

I’d be a bit careful, your DP isn’t doing nothing, and a partner who helps with children, is a nice person and contributes some money is probably better than none. Is he generally poor at prioritising and completing things? It sounds as though he needs help to organise himself better.

The last person that made Disney like promises to a family member (showing her around new build houses as if they were going to buy and then it falling apart due to his work situation) did turn out overtime to be completely unreliable.

I do find it noteworthy though that he does help, does notice you doing housework and try to help, has got a job and is good with your DD - those aren’t the actions of someone who is a complete write off.

Agree he doesn't seem a total right off just yet. I think its worth giving 12 months and see how he gets on with his new job.
What is the annual income for his new job and yours?

Well, there are definitely worse fish in the sea and you can't change what's already happened - but with a baby on the way the OP is at a key decision-making point.

If you do decide to stick with him I would also keep a watchful eye on his tendency to be 'unlucky' in work and business, especially as he is relatively youthful. He is in his 30s-40s - this should be his most successful period. After a couple of incidents you do have to ask if he is a contributing factor to the problem e.g. not wanting to accept authority, not building good relationships with colleagues... I am not saying it is, necessarily, but it is worth considering.

Hang on so he was shocked that his time off now replaces your maternity time off later but then totally forgot that was a thing. Um, no. Either he needs to see a doctor about his severe memory loss or he is expert at delivering the exact fakery to shut you up. Which is it?

I do find it noteworthy though that he does help, does notice you doing housework and try to help, has got a job and is good with your DD - those aren’t the actions of someone who is a complete write off.

God, some people have such low bars it's unsurprising there are so many shit relationships on this board. FFS, 'help', he lives there. He chose to live with a woman who has a child but deserves kudos for being 'good' with her, as if you'd have someone in who is shit with your own child?

He hasn't even started the new job, hasn't been earning in 2 months and already cost her loads with his 'business'.

You might well be entitled to more UC without him around so I'd look at that and then tell him to go back to Mummy's until he gets his shit together, shows a stable work history and shows he can behave like an adult.