Snooping,porn, how he treats you

[Luvme1]

Before I start my thread, I dont want to know if porn is a deal breaker for you, I know I have insecurity issues and I will find it very hard to meet a man that doesnt dabble in it now and then. My partner looks at it, and nude celebrities and I only know this from going through his phone. I went through it because I am paranoid and I'm insecure, I wont deny that. It makes me feel a little bit like I'm not sexy enough etc but he has never cheated on me and he treats me well and we laugh together. We usually have sex once a week, sometimes twice. It has trailed off from when we first met as we didnt live together and it was exciting back then 😂 Really though the main thing for me is someone faithful and loyal so my trust levels are pretty shit.
Now the porn did hurt, the thought of him thinking another woman's body is so hot and enough to touch himself over. When I get insecure he tells me that hes here living with me and hes chosen me to share his life with. I have accused him in the past and he states that he can't believe I think he would hurt me like that.
He does not know I've seen the porn on his phone. It was one evening and last week when he went downstairs cos he couldn't sleep and there was not anything else since then but I'm now worrying that every time he goes downstairs, up in the bedroom by himself or I go out, he is going to go straight on his phone to look up nude celebrities and porn. The nude celebrity ones where like full on leg spread boobs out porn like photos. Sex to me is a way to reassure and connect with someone and show them that you love them. It's the only way that I feel like I know he is attracted to me. Is that logical or am I totally reading sex and love wrongly.
So from what my first sentence said, I know he watches it and I know I can not control him and make him not look at it cos he is his own person and I love him so much so if I control him and be possessive then he will find someone who is more understanding and connects with him more. Should I stop snooping on his phone looking for stuff because if I did not look then I wouldn't of known he done it as he was attentive and happy to be around me the day after and nothing was out of the ordinary. I know some women hate porn as their mans way of masturbating but he hasn't given any signs of cheating physically or emotionally with anyone. I'm so stuck as I love this man to pieces

Also he is going through something life changing and depressing right now, he got the news the evening that he went downstairs on his own so I'm wondering why he needed to look at that when he was so 'hurt' and upset over this. I should be supporting him but instead all I can think about is me and my feelings being hurt

So you know you don't like it, but I think you need to decide whether it's a red line for you or not. If it is - leave. If it's not - stop looking. I understand it must be hard but he's not given you any indication that he's cheating or looking up anything inappropriate. It's not fair to "forgive him" but then not actually forgive him and carry on checking up on him etc.

Also talk to him about what sex means to him - he might share your views about it being to connect etc, but he just sees masturbation as purely physical? Maybe he could help you understand how he sees it and it might help you rationalise and separate the two.

^Also he is going through something life changing and depressing right now, he got the news the evening that he went downstairs on his own so I'm wondering why he needed to look at that when he was so 'hurt' and upset over this"

Some people find porn/masturbation is a distraction or a comfort.

You feel how you feel about what he's doing at the end of the day, you're not the only woman who feels this way about porn. xxxx

Porn addict. My ex was the same. He also had erectile dysfunction and no money because he'd spend it all on porn.

It caused problems in the bedroom. Erectile dysfunction, disconnection, often struggled to cum.

Besides problems in the bedroom and not having any money, it also meant he was more likely to "chase" other women. Porn provides a new woman after every click which later stems into their real life. One woman is boring to a porn addict. Facebook searches were often female friends, constantly visiting their profile. Instagram was him following god knows how many beautiful women, same for snapchat. He would see a pretty woman in the local paper and have to search for her Facebook profile. A woman would talk to him in the local supermarket and he'd have to find her on Facebook. He had a secret file on his external hard drive that had lots of pictures of his female friends in their bikinis saved from Facebook. We couldn't watch a film or a soap without him looking up the hottest actress in a porn situation.

A porn addict is never faithful. Their mind wants everyone other than you. My ex swore he'd never cheat, hated it with a passion... we had just had a baby, I was fat, he cheated on me with his female friend. My child now comes from a broken home because of his problems.

I do know exactly how you feel. My ex partner used to do it too and I did snoop through his phone and see it. I used to feel so guilty that I'd looked at his phone and also angry because I felt the same as how you do. The truth being the relationship had no trust or I wouldn't have felt the need to do what I did. I loved my ex very much but I always felt uncomfortable knowing he was looking at other women when he had me. That made me keep looking to see what he was doing until i confronted him and that would cause an argument. It wasn't a healthy relationship so it was always going to end. Years later I was in another relationship. This guy was more open. He would be fine with me looking on his phone which I never did. He would sit next to me on Facebook or messaging his friends and they were very laddy and would often send naked pictures of woman to each other. I didn't have a problem with it. Why? I think because I felt more secure in the relationship. He was more open about it so I could accept it more. I was able to trust him because he wasn't secretive and would be honest and open. I think sometimes we feel insecure in relationships for a lot of reasons. When I was with the previous ex I would not have ever been able to be so trusting and he wasn't a bad person we just weren't the right match.

I'd like to add that if you find yourself obsessing over it, constantly trying to see his search history, or feel paranoid about yourself or like your self esteem is taking a battering, leave. Don't put yourself through it, especially if you don't have children together. Find a man who can give you his all and fully commit.

Hi OP, you will get very mixed responses here. Some women are very anti-porn and disgusted by it, then other women couldn't care less or even watch it themselves.
The bottom line is, you have deep rooted insecurities which are causing you to find the porn threatening to you and your relationship. Personally I genuinely think men can separate sex with someone they love, with just wanking over tits and fanny. They don't feel an emotional connection with the women, they don't love them and probably don't even want to shag them - its literally just the image that helps them get off. It has nothing to do with how he feels about you at all.
I would suggest trying to work on yourself to see if that helps.

And just to add, I'm not saying you are wrong. If that's how porn makes you feel then that is ok. I just think it sounds like you are very insecure anyway (without the porn) which is something you need to address for your own sake.

To be fair, you might want to stop thinking of porn as a wanking tool. My other half watches it having a poo, and he's defo not touching himself then....
I think men are aesthetically pleased, women are more emotion led. Only you can decide how much or a line its crossing for you but perhaps look at counselling for yourself, if you're insecure. I've never gone through my partners phone, and never wanted to. He watches porn, but separates that from real life, isn't a porn addict (pmsl at that 0-160 poster) and he worships the ground I walk on.

Sorry @anotherdisaster cross posted but think you're spot on x

@baileys6904 from what that poster put I dont believe he is a porn addict either as he doesnt struggling getting an erection when we are intimate, never spends money on it, the rest of his history wasnt full of porn or naked photos. We have had arguments over my insecurities and accusations before, some of got very close to break up and to be honest I think if there is one more then he will walk cos he is fed up of me questioning his intentions and commitment to me. I never thought I would be able to have someone so gorgeous and just my type fall for me, let alone love me.
He spends a lot on me and my children, always puts me first and does things to make me happy, like comes out to my family functions even when hes exhausted from work. He really does get angry now that I question everything and question what he does on his phone as he is a bit of a phone addict, YouTube videos, Twitter mainly. I feel like I'm going to lose a really good thing because I'm obsessing over something that 90% of men do and he isnt showing any signs of being addicted. He lasts a good amount of time in bed, get to do different positions in one session ( something I wasnt used to as my exh was a 30 second guy!) All this bad stuff he is going through has made him want to have some time alone and I automatically see that as that he does not want me around and wants to leave when really he needs space and time to process what has happened

I am not sure you have anywhere to go with this. It a damned if you do and damned if you don’t for both of you.

Did you ever tell him that you don’t want to be with someone who watches porn? If you did he has broken your trust. But in that case you need to end it. Because it’s your boundary.

He has explicitly told you not to snoop and you have breached his trust. He should follow through and end it.

I think you should ask yourself whether you are ready for a relationship. I personally wouldn’t be in one if I couldn’t maintain my boundaries or if I couldn’t accept it was over.

It is in any case untenable. At least one of you is lying and deceiving the other.

I’d find it very hard to live with someone who felt they needed to go through my phone or laptop history. It would be a big red flag for me and there’d have to be one hell of a good backstory for me to overlook it.

You have a painful history, which I get, but that’s something you need to work out with the help of counselling, not by constantly snooping and second guessing your partner. Relate is not massively expensive and might be a good channel for you to talk some of this through.

I feel like I'm going to lose a really good thing because I'm obsessing over something that 90% of men do

Id be questioning why you are obsessing over it in the first place. What is it that bothers you. Is it your own insecurities that you have about your self or your body? Or is it that you think there is an emotional connection somewhere that you think you don't "Deserve him" I never thought I would be able to have someone so gorgeous and just my type fall for me, let alone love me
so you're doing this to yourself to prove your self right somehow. Snooping is the best form of self sabotage. I'm not suggesting that you just get over it, because this is your boundary and you're entitled to your feelings. I have been on both sides of the fence. 1st relationship OH watched it and I despised it. It ruined my self esteem and I felt utterly shattered. My now DH also watches it and I couldn't care less. Because he's always been open and honest about it. His reasons for why he likes to watch it.

I'm amazed that someone can diagnose a stranger they've never met as a "porn addict" from a short post stating that he sometimes looks at naked women!

OP, porn is a tool like a vibrator - when I watch it, I'm focusing on the situation/act, not the individual. If this is a good man who loves you, don't hurt yourself and him by torturing yourself over something that doesn't matter.

@LemonTT he has not told me not to snoop as he doesn't know I've looked. During an 'paranoia' argument he told me to "go through my phone cos I have nothing to hide"
He's gone into his shell because of the bad news and we've just had another argument cos he was on his phone hiding away upstairs and I came in and he quickly put it down. I just saw what I wanted to see and questioned him again 😔 it's blown up big time and he is not talking to me and has started being snappy and blunt.
@Ginnyrellas I'm obsessing over it because I feel like he isn't attracted to me and he wishes i looked like those women as none of them have my body type, I'm skinny with small boobs. He loves my bum cos its quite round and wobbles a bit but that is the only thing I've really picked up that he likes about my body without me having to fish for a compliment.
He wont discuss it and told me in the past that he doesnt need to look at other women cos he doesn't need any other woman as I found evidence that he had masturbated (left what he came in in the washing basket 😔) I'm not sure if he tells me these things cos he knows how insecure I am and maybe when we argue and I get like this its unattractive and he needs a different thing to look at

@boats I just cant get over that I think he is looking at the girl and pretending that he is the guy that's with her. Also the naked photos of celebrities (lindsay Lohan! Shes a washed up crack head but these photos she looked absolutely stunning and perfect body. Has been a few female sports stars that have done nude/porn) I'm really not pretty in anyway shape or form so I think he is just with me cos he feels sorry for me or cos he has settled and gets his sexual kicks somewhere else. When we have sex it's amazing and we have done a couple of things that he wasnt keen on when he did it first time with past partner but with me it's happened a few times and it's always so hot and passionate when we have done it

@Luvme1
Most men don't even focus on the women while they are bashing one out. Its more so the act. Like a PP suggested its used as an aid, similar to a woman using a vibrator.

But in all seriousness. You know he's watching porn. You're not happy about it. So if you can't have an open and honest conversation with your partner about it. Where do you go from here? Continue snooping and destroying yourself and potentially your relationship? Or get to the root issue. Ask him. Understand why and then if you still can't accept it... well you have your answer on what you need to do.

@luvme1 sweetheart I really do feel for you. This does sound like me and my ex. I thought he was amazing, him looking at porn did not make me feel amazing. I hated myself and it really did take away my self confidence. I would cover my body because I thought there was something wrong with me thats why he did it. I was young and in the wrong relationship. I carried this weird self image I now had about myself for quite some time. Now I'm a lot older and have had more positive relationships and I know now that there is nothing wrong with me or my body. I also have learnt alot about trust and what that does in a relationship. Like I said before my other ex was totally open and honest about this kind of thing and I wasn't bothered by it. I was secure in the relationship and trusted him. He wasn't ogling girls everywhere we went he was very respectful but if he did comment on if someone was fit it wouldn't shatter my world because I think some guys are attractive doesn't mean I want to be with them. I think you do need to learn to love yourself a bit and be kinder to yourself.

@Ginnyrellas he wouldn't talk to me about it now as it's gone to far with the fall outs from insecurities already. He is adamant that he hasn't and wouldn't hurt me by messaging or meeting other women but that sits with me for a few days and then I get the thoughts again. He isn't talking to me now and has said that he is done with all the accusations and I need help

People look at (often without actually masterbating) and or use porn for a whole host of reasons.

No one is right or wrong on the whys or the how's just as you're not wrong by being uncomfortable with it.

The only way you're going to ever find a resolution between you two specifically is by having a conversation between the two of you about the subject of porn.

I suppose you don't 'have' to tell him you snooped .. I think it'll do you some good to be honest with him as well as yourself that you have a problem with impulse control and feeling the need to monitor him but if you're not ready for that you can say it was a conversation with friends or a thread on here and it's stuck with you enough that you felt the need to discuss it as a couple.

I'd then use that opportunity to explain why porn makes you feel unhappy and you will then have to give his reasons for using it as much regard as you're expecting him to give your reasons for hating it. And then as an adult couple find a middle ground.

Either one of you DEMANDING the other complies with your own needs on this is never, not ever going to work long time and will only lead to resentment.

OP - i am sorry you are feeling this way - but I do agree with your bf.
You do need help - those insecurities are totally out of proportion. And making you unhappy and are interfering with your ability to have a relationship.
You have a man who is with you and is taking care of you and your kid(s). He occasionally sees other women he finds attractive - like you would when you see - .... [insert name of hot celebrity]....
Only difference is you don’t wank to those images, which just means you are different.

Just after so many falls outs over my insecurities and how I feel about other women, I think the subject of porn brought up in any way shape or form will cause him to either lie about how he feels about it to save another massive row. There is no way he would admit to watching it now.
To be honest I think I lost him a long time ago when all the paranoia and issues started. I've never really been able to trust anyone, I just kept it well hidden at the beginning of our relationship. I mean we would only see eachother at weekends when we first started dating and I wouldn't question what he was doing, if he was looking at porn during the week which he obviously was, because I didnt know about it or see it, we were happy and in honeymoon period. Now we live together it's like my brain tries to spot every little thing and turn it into something that probably isnt there

OP I really feel for you. Its horrible to feel like this. Whether its rational to others or not. I used to be like this when I was younger. I was even more extreme and even hated my bf looking at women on TV or commenting on anyone being attractive.
I think you need to stop focusing on the porn, and start focusing on your self esteem. I would seriously consider some counselling/therapy. Work on yourself.

It is horrible because he always reassures me and has logical reasons for the things I think are going on. Then it's too late cos I've opened my fat mouth. I've pushed him too far this time as he really doesn't need this when he is going through emotional pain right now. I can't do anything to make it right as he won't talk to me and he has every reason to be annoyed now. There is only so much one person can take and I think he has hit his limit. He likes his own space when hes upset/angry but I get scared when that happens that he will just turn around one day and say I'm done