Snooping,porn, how he treats you

[Luvme1]

Before I start my thread, I dont want to know if porn is a deal breaker for you, I know I have insecurity issues and I will find it very hard to meet a man that doesnt dabble in it now and then. My partner looks at it, and nude celebrities and I only know this from going through his phone. I went through it because I am paranoid and I'm insecure, I wont deny that. It makes me feel a little bit like I'm not sexy enough etc but he has never cheated on me and he treats me well and we laugh together. We usually have sex once a week, sometimes twice. It has trailed off from when we first met as we didnt live together and it was exciting back then 😂 Really though the main thing for me is someone faithful and loyal so my trust levels are pretty shit.
Now the porn did hurt, the thought of him thinking another woman's body is so hot and enough to touch himself over. When I get insecure he tells me that hes here living with me and hes chosen me to share his life with. I have accused him in the past and he states that he can't believe I think he would hurt me like that.
He does not know I've seen the porn on his phone. It was one evening and last week when he went downstairs cos he couldn't sleep and there was not anything else since then but I'm now worrying that every time he goes downstairs, up in the bedroom by himself or I go out, he is going to go straight on his phone to look up nude celebrities and porn. The nude celebrity ones where like full on leg spread boobs out porn like photos. Sex to me is a way to reassure and connect with someone and show them that you love them. It's the only way that I feel like I know he is attracted to me. Is that logical or am I totally reading sex and love wrongly.
So from what my first sentence said, I know he watches it and I know I can not control him and make him not look at it cos he is his own person and I love him so much so if I control him and be possessive then he will find someone who is more understanding and connects with him more. Should I stop snooping on his phone looking for stuff because if I did not look then I wouldn't of known he done it as he was attentive and happy to be around me the day after and nothing was out of the ordinary. I know some women hate porn as their mans way of masturbating but he hasn't given any signs of cheating physically or emotionally with anyone. I'm so stuck as I love this man to pieces

you are pushing him away OP. You've got to let it go.

Go to your gp and get some counselling for your very obvious and debilitating anxiety before it destroys you and your relationship.

@BendyLikeBeckham I think it has already got that far. He wont talk to me, being very blunt and quick if he has to talk to me. Took him to work not long ago and said goodbye and it was like he was looking straight through me. Think I have blown my chance of happiness with a guy that actually did care about me

@Luvme1

Is it possible that if you both feel like a face to face conversation would be awkward or maybe heated considering how your OH is feeling right now that a text exchange about what’s going on, how you both feel might be appropriate? It gives you the chance to really think about what you want to say before you say it. I definitely think you need help OP. You sound like you have crippling anxiety and really poor self esteem. Perhaps your OH could come with you to seek advice. After all actions do speak louder than words.

Can you find some counselling to help you with your anxiety? It sounds like he might not want to continue the relationship, but you can address this for the future.

I don't think your DP has a porn addiction OP. He sounds like your typical bloke when it comes to porn. My DP sometimes watches porn because it's as simple as that, its something to watch, he doesn't always watch it to get off, it's usually when he's bored, can't sleep etc. To them these women are just a face, just a body, they're a tool, exactly like a previous poster compared it as, it's like a vibrator for women.
I often masturbate when the mood strikes and DP isnt around and I never fantasise about my DP, I fantasie about some situation I know that I'll never be in or crave to be in RL. DP is not a fantasy, he's my reality and I love him to death. I've never sat there and compared him to any fantasy I've had, it doesn't even cross my mind when I'm with him.
You need to stop snooping through his phone to find porn, you're not only damaging the trust in your relationship but also your self esteem and self worth. I strongly suggest making an appt with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling to help with your insecurities and anxiety because they sound crippling.
I think you need to decide if you feel you can get past this in this relationship, if no then I think you need to end things.
Best wishes OP.

@Ginnyrellas
He text me on his break at work and it all kicked off. He hadn't been at work cos of the news and when he returned his female manager who is younger and who we have argued over before cos I believe she is pretty and he said he doesnt like her etc and shes a lazy manager. I asked if he had to tell them at work and he said he spoke to her, which he said he wouldn't want to tell any of them his business. I said why did you tell her and he told me he pretty much had to cos he burst out crying when she asked if everything was ok. Immediately thoughts got in my head that she comforted him and held him while he cried and he opened up to her more and realised that I wasn't supportive like her, I thought that maybe he might of got feelings come on if she held him, if they kissed or more. That is what my mind set is! It's embarrassing and so hard because I dont want those thoughts, I felt sick
Well he got pissed, told me that I havent even asked if he was ok, all i could do was want to know why he spoke to her, that shit always starts with me. That I havent been supporting him and been going at him for 3 days being paranoid and the one person that needed to be there wasn't.
Now I'm scared that I've pushed him into her arms and I can't even ask if something happened cos his bags would be packed and he would go. The urge to look at his phone and see if they spoke since or if shes offered herself to support him etc. That's how my crazy mind works and I hate it

@Luvme1

Sweetheart, do you really want to live with this for the rest of your life. Because if this is your reality you need to do something about the thoughts in your head. It must be exhausting for you. If you don’t do something about this you’re going to end up going from one relationship to another always feeling like your not good enough. As you say. Porn is something men (and women) watch. It’s something that will ultimately come up again in your next relationships should this one come to and end. Please seek professional help because you really do need it.

How old is your child op?

You shouldn't be in this relationship, or any relationship OP. You've very obviously got issues you need to work on before you can be with anyone.

Your DP isn't a porn addict. He's not doing anything wrong.

He is going through a bad time at the moment and you're not supporting him. All you're doing is making it worse for him. As well as invading his privacy and betraying his trust.

I couldn't live with someone that snooped through my stuff or constantly accused me of cheating.

If you had written this post saying that your partner was doing the things you were, MNetters would be telling you that your relationship was abusive and to LTB.

Do your DP a favour - end the relationship and get some help dealing with your insecurities and paranoia.

Better that than bring him down with you.

OP - I don’t think you fully realise that you are truly unwell and need help.
Your bf is dealing with (I presume) some sort of bereavement. And your first thoughts are that someone at work is offering herself to him.....
This is madness.
You really need to try to calm down and try to see what your bf needs as support.
And then deal with our insane insecurity and jealousy. With a professional.
And if your bf sticks around - count your blessings.

Yeah you should look for some serious professional help and end things with him for his own sake

^He text me on his break at work and it all kicked off. He hadn't been at work cos of the news and when he returned his female manager who is younger and who we have argued over before cos I believe she is pretty and he said he doesnt like her etc and shes a lazy manager. I asked if he had to tell them at work and he said he spoke to her, which he said he wouldn't want to tell any of them his business. I said why did you tell her and he told me he pretty much had to cos he burst out crying when she asked if everything was ok. Immediately thoughts got in my head that she comforted him and held him while he cried and he opened up to her more and realised that I wasn't supportive like her, I thought that maybe he might of got feelings come on if she held him, if they kissed or more. That is what my mind set is! It's embarrassing and so hard because I dont want those thoughts, I felt sick
Well he got pissed, told me that I havent even asked if he was ok, all i could do was want to know why he spoke to her, that shit always starts with me. That I havent been supporting him and been going at him for 3 days being paranoid and the one person that needed to be there wasn't.
Now I'm scared that I've pushed him into her arms and I can't even ask if something happened cos his bags would be packed and he would go. The urge to look at his phone and see if they spoke since or if shes offered herself to support him etc. That's how my crazy mind works and I hate it^

OP I feel you need to make this a priority. Find someone to talk to today, a helpline or whatever, and also seek professional help.

It doesn't have to be this way- please see your GP and they can advise re: free or low cost therapy services locally if you don't feel able to afford private therapy (which can often be afforded if prioritized.) You can find therapists near you using google.

Talk your GP about how you've been feeling in every way.

Do you get anxious about other things, too?

It doesn't worry me if someone I'm with finds actresses such as Lindsay Lohan or whoever attractive, as those women's careers are partly on the basis of their attractiveness. Same goes for professional porn actresses.

It'd be like someone finding Albert Einstein more intelligent than me. I would just have to take that one on the chin.

OP, read this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3832233-My-BF-can-t-get-over-my-ex-Is-it-my-fault

Don't be that jealous partner who runs everything with your own issues. Tell your BF you know the problem is you, not him, and that you are seeking counselling for it. Then refer yourself for it here www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/

@MMmomDD its not a bereavement. He has found out he isn't the dad to one of his children from a previous relationship. He has never been able to tell me why they broke up and hasnt really told me much since he found out but he went to this work colleague and told her things and cried to her. He has not cried at home at all, just been silent and snappy. I tried to talk to him when he found out and a few days after but he just shut off and that's when I found the stuff on his phone and the paranoia set in.
I'm not saying she offered herself but he was upset and not thinking straight and she was there when he needed someone and the thought of them holding eachother makes me flip out, i dont even know if they did hug because I couldn't ask him. There are so many questions about what they said and did that want to spray out of my mouth at him. I cant control what I say.

Are you going to seek help with this?

Yeah you can control what you say
You need to stop making excuses for being so distrustful and controlling

Op either you don't trust him or you don't trust anybody.

It seems like it might be anybody (?)

I've been in the receiving end of suspicion, discomfort and anger about my interactions with everyone of the opposite sex ( except those he presumably considered too old or something)

It got to the point where I didn't even mention that there was a (married with young family) guy working temporarily at my workplace, whom I was not remotely attracted to incidentally, because I didn't want to have to watch every word I said about him in case he fixated on something and then got on at me about it later.

It's stressful, unpleasant, angering, frustrating, you feel suffocated, feel like they want yo put you in a cage, you start not mentioning (harmless) things or lying by omission about them because you don't want to listen to stressful shit about it .. which freaks them out further because they think you're deceptive etc etc.

Noone, even the kindest, most tolerant person will take it indefinitely.

You need to stop NOW or you will most certainly lose the relationship. You need to get some help asap.

Porn isn't something all men dabble in. As a society where it's so easily accessible it's now perceived to have become the 'norm' but it doesn't mean we have to tolerate it.
Yes, if porn is that important to him he's free to go watch it to his hearts content and you have no right to try and control that BUT you are also free to make the choice to NOT be with someone who partakes in such activities.
It's not healthy to be checking his phone, worrying about what he's doing every time you step out of the room. Set your boundaries and stick by them.

He seems to have acted we towards you and apparently had given you no reason to think he'd cheat ... So stop fixating on the fact that a woman at work might have given him a hug (even if she did when she saw him upset and stressed).

You've already been going on about her - because she's a youngish female he's around - and he's already got sick of that, understandably.

Sorry but you sound really insecure, jealous etc - too much to have a healthy relationship. As above you need to get some help to stop thinking and behaving like this.

Usually people on here assume the bloke is at fault and take the woman's side but I don't think one person on here thinks he's at fault or your behaviour's ok.

The porn thing is separate, unfortunately it's common for many men to look at porn or sexy images etc occasionally.

If you absolutely don't want to be with a man who does that, you'll have to find one which won't be terribly easy. Or have a convo and ask them to never do it, which they may it may not agree to and sticknto.

I certainly wouldn't be raising if with this guy at the minute though, because there's too much other stuff going on

If it's just a stress reliever, not an addiction, and not excessive or violent/abnormal porn, then I would just try to ignore it. Don't check his phone, that's an invasion of his privacy. Everyone has a private side which they don't have to share with their partner. Provided it's harmless and doesn't threaten your life, then don't focus on it. It's unfair to make your insecurity top trumps over his need for some minor physical relief.

@GilbertMarkham I'm only so fixated on it because he told me he couldn't tell anyone at work his personal stuff and he couldn't open up me at all at any point since he found out the bad news. She asks him if he is ok (which I have done every single day since and all he says is 'I'm fine') and he immediately breaks down and let's her see his vulnerable side that he never lets anyone see

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. All men look at porn, as long as it doesn't take over just accept it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or respect you

I'm only so fixated on it because he told me he couldn't tell anyone at work his personal stuff and he couldn't open up me at all at any point since he found out the bad news. She asks him if he is ok (which I have done every single day since and all he says is 'I'm fine') and he immediately breaks down and let's her see his vulnerable side that he never lets anyone see

It is strange, but who knows why he broke at that particular time.

But strictly speaking you have already fixated on her/been going on about her, so far as causing an argument (even though you presumably had no reason to think he was interested in her/involved with her/cheating/trying to cheat etc. You said;

his female manager who is younger and who we have argued over before cos I believe she is pretty and he said he doesnt like her etc and shes a lazy manager.

Warning you, you need to put aside any thoughts about this colleague and not go on about it at this point or you may well end up finished with.

In general.sorrybut you sound deeply insecure and jealous and need to get help or you're not going to have a successful relationship.