Snooping,porn, how he treats you

[Luvme1]

Before I start my thread, I dont want to know if porn is a deal breaker for you, I know I have insecurity issues and I will find it very hard to meet a man that doesnt dabble in it now and then. My partner looks at it, and nude celebrities and I only know this from going through his phone. I went through it because I am paranoid and I'm insecure, I wont deny that. It makes me feel a little bit like I'm not sexy enough etc but he has never cheated on me and he treats me well and we laugh together. We usually have sex once a week, sometimes twice. It has trailed off from when we first met as we didnt live together and it was exciting back then 😂 Really though the main thing for me is someone faithful and loyal so my trust levels are pretty shit.
Now the porn did hurt, the thought of him thinking another woman's body is so hot and enough to touch himself over. When I get insecure he tells me that hes here living with me and hes chosen me to share his life with. I have accused him in the past and he states that he can't believe I think he would hurt me like that.
He does not know I've seen the porn on his phone. It was one evening and last week when he went downstairs cos he couldn't sleep and there was not anything else since then but I'm now worrying that every time he goes downstairs, up in the bedroom by himself or I go out, he is going to go straight on his phone to look up nude celebrities and porn. The nude celebrity ones where like full on leg spread boobs out porn like photos. Sex to me is a way to reassure and connect with someone and show them that you love them. It's the only way that I feel like I know he is attracted to me. Is that logical or am I totally reading sex and love wrongly.
So from what my first sentence said, I know he watches it and I know I can not control him and make him not look at it cos he is his own person and I love him so much so if I control him and be possessive then he will find someone who is more understanding and connects with him more. Should I stop snooping on his phone looking for stuff because if I did not look then I wouldn't of known he done it as he was attentive and happy to be around me the day after and nothing was out of the ordinary. I know some women hate porn as their mans way of masturbating but he hasn't given any signs of cheating physically or emotionally with anyone. I'm so stuck as I love this man to pieces

@Endeavour1971 to be honest I think after last night the porn has gone to the least of my paranoia right now. After hearing that the person I love with all my heart couldn't talk to me but could talk to someone who has no connection to him whatsoever and be so comfortable as to let himself show his vulnerable side to her, I feel like it shows that I've already lost him x

I’ll try one more time, although you seem hopeless and totally unable to have any perspective.....
The person you say you ‘love with all your heart’ is having a hard time. And is barely holding it together, it seems.
He broke down when he couldn’t hold it together. Normally these things aren’t planned. Just like YOU don’t plan your outbursts, or are able to control them.

Not sure how you can possibly talk about loving him when all you talk about is yourself. And how you need him to prop you up. This isn’t love. It’s pure self-centredness. You don’t seem to have any empathy.

For his sake - I hope it’s some sort of temporary insanity that you are suffering. But there is only a small hope of that.
Please see a doctor. Maybe you are depressed, or something else is going on.
I hope you get help because the way you are currently - you won’t be able to have a relationship with anyone.

OP is not listening to anyone. She has gone off in her obsessive bubble.

I haven't gone off in my obsessive bubble thank you.
I've got so much empathy for what he is going through. I tried so hard to be there for him as soon as he found out and as the days went on he just pushed me further and further away. Started snapping at me and everytime I asked if he was ok all I got back was "I'm fine" even though he wasn't at all and how he broke down last night just showed that. He spent days in the bedroom and I hugged him when he needed to come to me and gave him space when he didnt come. I wish I could fix everything and go back to how it all was and take all of his pain from him cos to see him in pain is horrible

OP he doesn't trust you to confide in because you might go off on one. You don't trust him so he certainly won't trust you with his vulnerabilities. You honestly do need help because your behaviour is way out of line. You are absolutely suffocating this man by the sounds of it, of course he'll l confide in someone else, it's a much safer option.

You said you have pushed the subject of the woman at work because she is pretty.

It sounds like you absolutely wouldn't have had an issue with her if she was (in your eyes) ugly.

You called Lindsay Lohan a washed up crackhead. What a horrible thing to say.

Your attitude to women leaves a lot to be desired. You are reducing them to their looks and what you perceive to be their sexual 'value'.

You aren't just trying to control his behaviour, you're actually also trying to control his thoughts.

You have pushed and pushed and pushed him. The fact is, if porn is a dealbreaker for you when it comes to trust then you need to leave.

The bottom line is - you are obsessed with your partner finding other women attractive, whether porn, celebrities or a woman at work.

I actually understand why women find porn a dealbreaker even though it isn't one for me. But yours is rooted in wanting him to only find you attractive and you have reduced other women to their looks.

You say he has betrayed your trust. You have looked through his phone, his private phone. You are disgusted with what you've found but haven't spoken to him about this. Instead you are behaving in an increasingly controlling manner, thereby pushing him further away. If porn is a dealbreaker for you and he watches porn then you leave.

You can't say it's such a dealbreaker that you can't bear it and then stay in a relationship that is broken. Follow through on your beliefs if they are so strong.

This relationship is unhealthy. You are making it toxic.

I'm sorry but you have posted for advice and seem to be unable to take responsibility for your behaviour which incredibly controlling and paranoid.

Yes to that ^^ going through somebody's private phone history is abhorrent tbh

Remember no one has a 'right' to inhabit and know everything about anyone else's private erotic imagination just because you're in a relationship. Sure, discuss boundaries you are both happy with in terms of actions (ie we both agree to only have sex with each other) but a fantasy life is something everyone is entitled to have, often an important part of sexuality.
I do find most porn problematic from a feminist point of view, but my broader point is that fantasy is just that: fantasy. It is a huge part of a person's sexuality and we do not own other peoples.
Trust and the freedom to explore our own thoughts and fantasies often means (paradoxically) we are more likely to enjoy a close sexual bond with our partner.

Sorry to highlight a very small part of all you posts, but like fuck would I put up with a man leaving me his used wank rag to launder.

I honest to go wouldn't even notice anything that had been wanked on in the laundry.. OP is clearly inspecting the laundry as well because wtf

@onemansoapopera actually I wasnt inspecting the laundry. As much as I shouldn't have to defend myself when I mentioned that, When you sort through darks/colours and whites you tend to notice when something black has a dump load of cum on it when you touch it! So sorry for any tmi but you can all call me paranoid, controlling insecure cos I am not denying that and I wish I could just flick a switch and never be this hurtful horrible person but I cant. But I will defend myself when someone says I did something that I didnt

OP you do seem to be focusing on wrong things because with every event that occurs to your DP, your immediate thought is, how do I feel and how it hurts me. It comes across like you are too absorbed in processing you own issues to effectively empathise with him, though you say you've tried - being asked if you are ok repeatedly would get anyone's back up, it should be a given that you understand he is not ok if you care as much for him as you do yourself.
Yes he's snappy - that is because he's not ok but you are making it about the porn that is likely a release for him, and your total imagination. It's quite exhausting being around people who compete for affections as you do, your DP must be getting well tired of it so has shut down to you. You are viewing porn and the colleague as competition over you, when in reality, they are not. You really do need help.

Apologies OP if that's the one time the cap didn't fit. But seriously this is way out of hand

The way your brain is working right now is no different really to the way that men's brains work when they get jealous and suspicious about everything and everyone. It might manifest in different ways and men are more likely to tell women not to wear certain things or go to certain places and so on but by the sounds of it you are constantly arguing and looking for reassurance and at the end of the day both ways of dealing with it tend to lead to the same situation, the partner has to be careful about what they do and who they talk to because they're nervous about you kicking off.

As for porn you need to realise that you are building it up in your head to be something that more than likely it's not. It's a quick way to get off. I doubt he's watching and obsessing about how hot those women are and comparing them to u and thinking about them afterwards when he's done.
If porn is a deal breaker for you then that's fine...but you need to end the relationship or any relationship you get into in future where they look at porn as you clearly can't handle it.

Your issues obviously extend far beyond porn as you seem to scrutinise all women and obsess over women he sees or is in contact with.

You need therapy to boost your self esteem and also therapy for relationship anxiety because the thing is you could split up and he will go on to have a far easier, happier relationship with someone who doesn't react like that, but you will have the exact same issues with any new man you have a relationship with unless you tackle them head on.

This is ridiculous OP!

You're manipulative, controlling and insecure.

Your DP doesn't talk to you because of the way you are. I'm surprised he's still with you and if I knew you both in real life I would be encouraging him to leave you for his own safety and wellbeing.

You are in denial about your state of mind and you are in need of immediate professional help before your paranoia drives you to do something dangerous.

If you actually care about this man, you should end your relationship now.

He deserves so much better!

This poor man. What he's going through right now and he has to deal with a self obsessed, untrusting gf.

Please get help. He will (should) leave you if you don't show any willing to get better

I will get help. I've been searching and referring all day and also got a doctors appointment for tomorrow. Right now he doesn't want me around him so I can't try and make it right or talk to him

He wouldn't be unsafe with me, I would never lay a finger on him or anything like that
I deserve everything that's coming to me, I just want him to ok

My fiance doesn't watch porn. I asked him if other blokes he knows or knew watch it because people say most men watch it. He said you would be surprised at the large amount of men who actually don't watch it and don't like it. Personally if its affecting you like this you have to seriously consider whether it's something you can live with. Both my exh were addicted to it,the first used it as a tool to abuse me and make me feel like I was worthless. I had no self esteem or confidence. When I met my fiance I didn't tell him at first how I felt about it I jokingly mentioned porn to gauge what he said and his reaction. He said he had watched it in the past but not often and tbh doesn't really enjoy it. He said when in a relationship he definitely doesn't because he respects the woman he's with. He laughed and said why did I ask and then I told him. He said I had no worries on this and I never have.

the person I love with all my heart couldn't talk to me but could talk to someone who has no connection to him whatsoever and be so comfortable as to let himself show his vulnerable side to her, I feel like it shows that I've already lost him x

It's because he has no connection with her he felt comfortable to express his feelings. He didn't actually go to her on his own though did he. She asked if he was okay something a manager is more than likely to do when they notice their colleague is not seeming them self.

I would literally not even feel comfortable breathing around you.
No wonder he can't talk to you you're so over bearing that's why he probably turns to porn as an outlet. Not saying you're definitely the reason but my god back off and stop being so controlling and let the man breathe!

You don’t need to lay a finger on someone to harm them. Surely you must have an awareness of that.

Checking up on someone, questioning and reacting to what you find out leaves someone uncertain and afraid. States of mind that impact on mental health. It’s what prison wardens do and taken to extremes is a form of torture.

He wouldn't be unsafe with me, I would never lay a finger on him or anything like that

Being around someone who is chastising them for getting some actual sympathy from a workmate because that workmate is pretty, checking his private phone secretly, making everything about them, constantly berating him for finding anyone else attractive in his own head even if he doesn't act on it, saying if someone hugged him becauee he was crying that he must want to kiss her DOES make him unsafe around you!!

Especially while he has had what you admit is personal, devastating, life changing news.

The world doesn't revolve around you. I'm sorry but you are being selfish and self involved. This poor man has had accusation after accusation thrown at him and you aren't stopping even though he's clearly having an incredibly hard time.

If porn is a dealbreaker and him even thinking another woman is attractive is a dealbreaker, if you can't handle him being comforted by someone because they are pretty, if you can't help but keep picking and picking then leave him for goodness sake.

You are being abusive and controlling.

You need to work on yourself rather than being in a relationship.

You ARE in a bubble because you are obsessing about one thing after another. The porn, him not loving you, a pretty woman he works with and so on. You obviously are aware of your issues which is great but instead of going off and getting the help you need, you are still just complaining about how he has shut you out..... Everyone on here has told you to seek help for your issues and get yourself well. There really is no more to it than that.

I am having a live chat (messages) with a counsellor on relate this evening. Left him alone all afternoon and went into the bedroom to get his plate from dinner and found him crying. I felt sick to my stomach cos of everything he is going through and what I've put him through. All I said was that I will get help for my issues and will make sure that Stays separate from him and if and when he needs me I will be there. He lent his head on my shoulder. He struggled through to get ready for work that evening and I could see he shouldn't go but he wanted to.
After an hour at work he was coming home, he couldn't do it. Just told them he was coming home and walked out. Spent the whole night just rubbing his hair and watching a film. He went downstairs around 1am as he couldn't sleep and usually I think hes down there looking at stuff etc but after hearing all your hard hitting and truthful words I went to sleep knowing that he needed space and it that's what he needed to just escape the pain for 5 minutes then I cant keep taking that from him
It will take a long time for things to be better and who knows if we will stay together during that time but for now he needs to be number one and be put first.
I apologise if I got anyones back up yesterday, I look in the mirror and hate what I see, I'm not a horrible person, I've lost my way big time and I've become the person that broke me in my past 😔

Bless him he's really going through it.

But again I wouldn't assume just because he couldn't sleep and went downstairs he was looking at porn....

If I can't sleep for whatever reason I go downstairs and enjoy the peace of a quiet house so I'm not tossing and turning in the bed keeping my partner awake.

Carry on being kind to him, and yourself.