How to be a better DIL

[RubyG3112]

My PIL are coming to stay for a week and the last few visits have been awkward and stressful, for some background, I've had my first baby and MIL is very matriarchal and needs to be seen to be the 'main mum', for eg she took the newborn in to her room to sleep with her (against my will) because she 'could settle him better', she gave him his first bath when I was sleeping (probably sounds really pathetic, but I was gutted) and took him for his first outing, even though I kept saying I would rather keep him at home - her argument was I needed to rest, even though I spent the whole time they were out the house crying and worrying (post natal hormones I guess) she was partly trying to be nice but a lot of it is about being in charge and being in control.

Just recently she's been telling my DH that we need to start feeding the baby, but he's only 3.5 months, I keep saying I want to follow the midwives advice and wait for 6 months but she keeps on and on, and I get the feeling she'll probably just do it if she gets a chance when she visits.

I've come to realise that this is just who she is, she probably finds me just as annoying, and I know she is a good woman, but most importantly, my dh adores her and gets so upset when there is tension between us.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can try and stay calm and polite and not get irritated and snappy when she visits next week? I want to just have a nice time and not let her get under my skin but I'm already feeling anxious about the visit.

She sounds like a nightmare

You need your DH to put your needs first

None of what she's done has been ok. I'm gobsmacked at her taking the baby overnight.

You don't need to learnt to tolerate her or keep calm - you need to get angry and stand up for yourself and for your baby's welfare. It's absolutely not recommended for your child to start solids so early. You must take control and I would cancel her visit, personally.

Your dh should be supporting you, not kowtowing to his mother.

Erm... I’m keen to be a good DIL but man, I wouldn’t be putting up with any of that. Why is she coming to stay for a week? I love my PIL (to be) but after a few nights, I need my own space.

Is your husband on your side here? Is he going to let his mum rock up, take over caring for your baby and start feeding him 2.5 months early?

I think you’ll all have a better relationship with them if they visit for a few hours, or a day or two max, not a week. There will be less time for tension, because the usual boundaries don’t seem to be in place here, and putting them up is worthwhile but won’t be easy.

She is overbearing and overstepping her role. It is sad your husband is not protecting you from this.

I

Wow, you've got your hands full with her. I don't even know where to start but I'd suggest an open conversation with your DH to make clear what your position is on the feeding issue. He needs to tell her straight. He won't want to do it and if he does she'll either throw a tantrum or ignore him but it has to be done. This woman needs boundaries. This is all about control.

I'd of been upset if my mum, mil or anyone else did some of the things she has done with your newborn.

Fasten your seatbelt you are in for a rough ride.

My knee jerk reaction to your post is tell her to fuck off.
But that's obviously unreasonable.

She's taking away all the firsts you should be enjoying and looking forward to. Hence your upset.

Don't take this the wrong way please, but you need to stand up to her, say no I'm his mum and I decide what's best not you.
If she doesn't like it tough shit.

There's only one matriarch in your house, and you're it.

Practice telling her to back right off. And tell your DH it's great that he loves her, but you find her irritating as fuck, and he needs to find a way of managing her that doesn't encroach on you.

She needs to be a better MIL and you need to be a tougher DIL.

Don't stand for her shit, OP. Your house and your baby.

Just come up with some stock answers and repeat, repeat, repeat.

"We're going to stick with the midwife's advice"

"I can manage and I'm happy to, thanks"

"You've had your chance, and your kids. Get the hell out"

Don't let her visit anymore. If she wants to come an see you she can stay in a hotel. Put your foot down with your dh and make any excuse possible to her. You could even start some diy in the spare room that will never be finished.

With unhelpful advice say 'yeah sure' in a way that makes it clear your not listening. Or just repeat "we're following modern guidelines" ad nuseum. She is being rude don't be afraid to be rude back.

Don't let her walk all over you because of awkwardness or being afraid of not being nice. Usually people only need telling once.

Good luck with your baby.

Notthisshitagain I actually need to do this, maybe not the last one but I do just need to repeat the same, calm refrains. Instead of what I actually do and that's smile and be polite then have enough and go quietly mental and look like a loon.

Thanks for the advice, sometimes I don't know if I'm too precious or she is overstepping the mark.

Your DH needs to tell her that the baby won't be given food until you decide to and that she isn't to give him anything. If she rolls her eyes or whatever then just reiterate that this is how you are doing things.

Just be firm, pick your baby up and say no, he's not ready.

She is way overstepping the mark. In fact she left it miles behind her!

I can’t believe she took your baby from you overnight.

Definitely put your foot down about the feeding. It’s really not good to feed babies solids too early. Maybe find some printed literature you can show your DH and then your MIL.

And you need to sit down and talk to your DH so he has your back on this. This is YOUR child. She can’t be the main mum. She’s not the mum.

Seriously if someone took my newborn into their bed they would not be allowed in my house again. Stand up to her. No need to scream or shout (though if it happens that's fine, don't worry about it.

Your list of priorities should be:

Your baby's wellbeing

Dh's feelings

Mil feelings

Does your husband spend any head-space wondering how he can be a better son-in-law to your mum? Or, now here's an idea, how he can be a better husband to you?
How easy will it be to just not allow her enough time alone with your baby in order to feed him?

Your baby your choices, but it isn’t easy when you have an ongoing relationship with the person who is criticizing you. This article www.laleche.org.uk/dealing-with-criticism/ I found really useful. The organization is a breastfeeding but the principles remain the same I think

You are not being too precious at all.

She is being completely unreasonable and very rude.

Tell your DH that you will not be allowing MIL to take the baby overnight, feed it solid food or anything else that you are uncomfortable with or is not good for baby (ie solids at 3.5m as per your midwifes advice). Tell him you expect his backing on this.

Boundaries in place and don't let her trample on them!

Go stay with your family. Dh can host the dragon.
Invest in a sling. She can't be grabbing your baby then.
Tell dh he needs to have your back or he will be leaving when mil does.

Wow OP! you don't need to learn to stay calm and not let her get under your skin you need to let it out and put down some boundaries! Your MIL has had her time as a mum she has no right to step in and do it with your baby! you need to tell your DH that he needs to put his mum in her place regarding what you both decide to do for your baby not her. This isn't her being a matriarchal figure its about her having control OP and if you don't put your foot down now she will only get worse as time goes on and it could make it harder for you to bond with your baby if she keeps massively overstepping boundaries. Next time she tries to take over tell her firmly "no thank you MIL I'll do it" if she keeps this up tell her straight "I'm the mum and I will decide how to parent MY BABY" if she doesn't like it and cries she's only helping tough luck its not real op its all so she can manipulate and get her own way leave her to cry or rage whatever and focus on your baby if she won't stop pack her bags and end her visit early and perhaps have a chat with DH about putting his wife and baby's needs over his mother you need his support not him pandering to his mother he's grown man he needs to start acting like one and tell his mother to back the fuck off and mind her own business

She's overstepped everything so far..
Put a stop to it.
She doesn't sound like a 'good woman' she sounds domineering and she couldn't care less about your feelings.
Start now as you mean to go on. Practice 'No'. Start with your DH...
There's no wonder he's like he is with a domineering woman like that ruling the roost. He's been conditioned.

Look, trust me, she's overstepping the mark.

On no account is it OK for her to have taken your newborn overnight if you didn't want her to. Nor to take your newborn baby out without you when you didn't want her to.

Helping is taking the baby when you ask her to.

My God-she sounds awful and I would’ve having her to stay!

If being a better DIL entails your letting her carry on as she is-don’t do it.

You likely come from a nice and importantly, an emotionally healthy, family unit. Your DH has clearly not been so lucky here and he has been emotionally harmed by her too. Please therefore rid yourself of the quaint and naïve notion that she is a nice woman. Nice and emotionally healthy people do not act like his mother has done.

What is your FIL like here; is he a mouse like figure who does not say anything either to upset his overbearing and domineering missus?. I actually have no real sympathy for him either; he has failed to protect his son from the excesses of his wife's behaviours by acting as a bystander and her enabler.

Both of you need to present a united front here and at the very least you personally need higher, firmer and consistently applied boundaries when it comes to your child. Do not be afraid here to say no to her. As it stands your own show of weakness to date in the face of her actions has been seized upon by her to its fullest extent.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done. His mother is no different.

I would cancel the visit and would have no guilt (guilt is truly a useless emotion here) about doing so. She is not a good person to have around any of you. The only person his mother cares about is her and getting her needs and wants (i.e your child) here met. Her actions are all about power and control.

She does not give a fig about you, your child or for that matter her now adult and sadly spineless son whom she has conditioned to act like this.

She will continue to act like this towards all of you going forward, such people do not change.

Apart from his domineering mother you also have a problem re your H. He is mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his mother and his inertia too only hurts him as well as you. He is far more afraid of "upsetting her" too than he ever would be of you hence his inertia. Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics being played out here.

You need to have a sit down with your dh and discuss how he can stand up to his mother. He needs to be on your side and not annoyed with you when you want something different to her. If he questions this, you may need marital counselling or at least input from neutral third parties who can persuade him that he is putting your marriage at risk by not supporting you.

Never again describe yourself as hormonal as it will undermine your perfectly reasonable argument.

"my dh adores her and gets so upset when there is tension between us"

See what I mean about his state of inertia?.

This is really your DH saying that he cannot (and equally will not) stand up to or otherwise deal with his mother because he's been that conditioned by her not to rock the boat. He would rather see you get upset than his mother because he is that afraid of her. He still acts very much as her child in front of her and still wants her approval, approval that she will never give him.