How to be a better DIL

[RubyG3112]

My PIL are coming to stay for a week and the last few visits have been awkward and stressful, for some background, I've had my first baby and MIL is very matriarchal and needs to be seen to be the 'main mum', for eg she took the newborn in to her room to sleep with her (against my will) because she 'could settle him better', she gave him his first bath when I was sleeping (probably sounds really pathetic, but I was gutted) and took him for his first outing, even though I kept saying I would rather keep him at home - her argument was I needed to rest, even though I spent the whole time they were out the house crying and worrying (post natal hormones I guess) she was partly trying to be nice but a lot of it is about being in charge and being in control.

Just recently she's been telling my DH that we need to start feeding the baby, but he's only 3.5 months, I keep saying I want to follow the midwives advice and wait for 6 months but she keeps on and on, and I get the feeling she'll probably just do it if she gets a chance when she visits.

I've come to realise that this is just who she is, she probably finds me just as annoying, and I know she is a good woman, but most importantly, my dh adores her and gets so upset when there is tension between us.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can try and stay calm and polite and not get irritated and snappy when she visits next week? I want to just have a nice time and not let her get under my skin but I'm already feeling anxious about the visit.

Oh Christ this is making my teeth itch as I know what’s ahead of you.

Cancel the visit

I agree I need to toughen up, she's done some really outrageous things, when we were getting married and she was completely taking over (ended up wearing a huge white dress, stood up during the meal to have her own first dance and bought my husband his wedding band - engraved with 'love always, mum') my husband was embarrassed but kept saying 'she's just excited...she means well' and when she started taking over with the baby his response was always 'she's just trying to help,' it's like he feels sorry for her and thinks I don't understand her.

I've been looking up marriage counselling and will suggest it today, I think third party involvement might help him get some perspective on how crazy it all is. She really did ruin so many special moments, the wedding things still annoy me but the baby moments she's stolen break my heart and it needs to stop.

I'm not sure cancelling the visit will help though, she will come across as the victim - and will really milk it, and she will have to come at some point, maybe it's better to get it over with, especially now after reading these comments I feel like I'm not in the wrong and will be able to stand up for myself without doubting myself. Thanks for the advice everyone, it's really helped.

(ended up wearing a huge white dress, stood up during the meal to have her own first dance and bought my husband his wedding band - engraved with 'love always, mum')

OP NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NONONONONONONONONONONO

My mouth dropped open when I read this. Yikes!!

You need to take action ASAP. For you and your baby.

That is utterly batshit. The apron strings need to be well and truly cut. But you need to get him to see that it’s wrong. I rarely believe in giving an ultimatum but I can’t believe what you’ve put up with!

She doesn’t have to be seen at any point. I wouldn’t see her until you are SURE she is going to respect you and not put your child’s needs before her own wants. I honestly don’t know how you can even envisage being in the same room with this woman. Hats off to you!

I do think that by continuing this visit it’s just giving her more opportunities to trample on memories and build up resentment. See it as part of the healing process to cancel the visit - you need that space to think about how to make this a relationship that will work for all of you.

I was so scared of my MIL being the victim and she played that card well, but it doesn’t work on me or DH anymore. She’s a competent adult and she has made her bed.

ended up wearing a huge white dress, stood up during the meal to have her own first dance and bought my husband his wedding band engraved with love always, mum

Oh my god. That ring would have been in the bin sharpish. Why tf is your DH ok with this??

I'm not sure cancelling the visit will help though, she will come across as the victim - who gives a shit?

and will really milk it - who gives a shit?

and she will have to come at some point - no, she doesn't.

Honestly, until this is your attitude, you're fucked. Or going to be divorced very soon, one of the two.

Your updates are scarcely believable. The fact that you actually were ok getting married to a man using a ring his mother had engraved from herself is absolutely batshit. The fact he was ok with it is unbelievable.

You need counselling. You probably need to just leave him and move very far away with your baby. I don't think this will end well. You certainly can't keep contact with her and he is too far gone to be salvaged I would think.

My jaw was still open at her behaviour at taking the baby then the wedding 😱😱
I think my fanny would have slammed shut never mind producing a baby!!!!

Are there cultural issues at play here where DILs are traditionally treated like shit and have to bow down to the MIL and basically behave like a doormat? If not then I find your attitude really odd - why would you want advice on how to behave more nicely for someone who is awful and totally disrespectful to you? I’d be banning her from visiting again if I were in your shoes. No WAY would I have let another person take my child to bed with them against my will, I don’t care who they are.

Repeat as needed 'my baby, my way. Not your baby, not your way'. You don't need to be a better DIL, she needs to be a better MIL.

OP

If you want to go ahead with the visit, and think you can handle it, then try and prep your husband very clearly beforehand.

Personally, I think it would be better for things to be very very clear with your husband beforehand, as well as all grievances
a) raised with mother in law
b) acknowledged as wrong behaviour by m in law
3) ‘ultimatums’ given

This way, when she comes, you are both on the same boat and can know what’s happening and your husband can be acutely aware of the boundaries she is overstepping.

You have given her a chance and it is now upto her what she’s going to do with that chance. The ball is now in her court. Thus if she does not stop, this clearly shows she is not interested in a healthy relationship.

It will be like pulling teeth, and you may need to top up these talks for her, and THIS is the compromise - not giving her control, and ‘allowing’ her to do things she wants to do, but by giving her a chance at being a nicer person and wiling to want to have a healthy relationship.

You need a new ring. Possibly a renewal of vows on a remote tropical island.

On a more serious note, you should get and read this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Susan-Forward/dp/0060507853?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

The book is really important, it shows how narcissistic mother in laws play with their beloved sons and can wreck your marriage.

I think you are worried about what your husband will feel - how he reacts will indicate how difficult he is likely to be and whether he is going to show any loyalty to you as he should as a husband.

But like I said, it was a long road for me.
Best wishes, I hope things sort out 💐

Bloody hell, Ruby, you've got yourself a prime example there. (My SIL was in a white dress and gave my exh a framed love poem with photos of her and him for the wedding, and I thought that was bad enough!)

The issue really is your dh. If he could admit what was going on, the two of you would be laughing over these things, and your MIL would not be able to milk anything or play the victim.

The answer to "She means well" or "She doesn't mean it that way" is that however you mean something, you still have to be responsible for the effect it actually has. My exh was told this himself by a counsellor, unfortunately far too late for us. I was amazed to see him nod along and agree with it when it came from a professional. Look for a decent counsellor and shop around if the first one you try out doesn't appear helpful.

I think my fanny would have slammed shut never mind producing a baby!!!

PMSL

I agree entirely with ravenmum - lots of mother in laws are like this, but if the husband is accepting of it, it will ruin the marriage - ultimately you and him will start developing problems - and by that point, the mother in law would have won.

Sadly all the examples are completely true, I nearly called off the wedding because of the ring, it caused war but she's so good at manipulating my DH he doesn't know what to do or say and sometimes (when I'm not raging mad) I feel sorry for him because he's so torn. My dad keeps reminding me he's caught in the middle, because at the end of the day, she's his mum. I do think he's afraid to upset her, but I think it's because he feels sorry for her and seems to think she has a really hard life (she honestly doesn't, but guilt trips him so much) he sticks up for her, or at least excuses her behaviour because he feels guilty, if that makes sense.

But she can also be really chatty and normal to others, even my own family, who know the things she's done, are sometimes fooled that she's just a nice woman who is a bit carried away with herself. And then I start wondering if I'm taking everything as a personal attack when she's just a bit self indulged and overbearing. To be fair, I would consider myself quite grounded and normal so if she manages to confuse me this much, it's no wonder my DH can't see it, even though when it's written like this it's all undeniably outrageous.

In terms of being a better DIL I just want to be able to be civil, smiley and polite and keep her at arms length whilst keeping control of my child and home. I normally manage this for a couple of days (sometimes only hours) before I get snappy and appear rude and she looks like a wounded animal and I come across as the awful one.

You need to tell him first that there needs to be a period of no contact while you go to counselling. He agrees or the marriage is over.

The ring needs to be binned. I'm serious. BINNED.

She isn't visiting.

Do you think being smiley and polite will help you with her? I think you need to worry less about being liked, and worry less about what people will think.

As soon as you speak up for yourself, you will be viewed rude by these types of narcissists. They won’t have a good opinion anyway.

You have to be true to yourself. Be polite, firm - but don’t back down.

I assure you at this rate, you won’t be feeling sorry for your husband for very long - it will turn to resentment.

Don't be afraid to say no, he's my son.

Won't make you a bad dil, you'll just have a backbone. You don't need your dh to stand up for you, you can stand up for your ds.

Just remember, your husband only feels he is stuck in the middle because he hasn't moved his sorry arse to your side.

before I get snappy and appear rude and she looks like a wounded animal and I come across as the awful one.

You're snappy and rude because she is appalling, whether or not shje is then able to act the hurt one.

You need to stop caring how you come across. The only material point is - does he want to stay married to you? Does he want a family? No woman on earth would put up with this. She goes or you go.

All you are doing by trying to be 'reasonable' is losing. No-one would put up with this.

I am being so harsh as I honestly think - if this is real - you should just cut your losses. The whole set up is insane. Properly, properly insane. Your husband isn't normal. His mother has created her little Norman Bates in her own perfect image. You've got little to lose by being absolutely direct and take no prisoners, as this won't last very long anyway.

After my exh and I broke up, I was so pissed off by his behaviour that I could hardly be civil when his dad came up with his shit, and I obviously didn't care any more if they thought I was a cow.
Was amazed to find that they suddenly treated me with far more respect!

Fizzygreenwater sadly it is completely real. But because she doesn't live near by and her visits aren't too often I tend to block it out once she's out of sight, because I do feel such resentment towards her and my husband for letting it happen.

This whole situation is the only thing we have real arguments about, even the slightest remark that his mum is in the wrong and we fall out, so we both avoid it and I know it is doing real damage to our marriage just festering away.

Thank you for the support, and the book recommendation. Might get that one as an online read, not sure it would go down well reading it openly in bed in the evenings

The wedding ring is seriously creeping me out

Ravenmum I would love to not care, I do think I care more how DH reacts and how it would hurt him rather than her though.

She does have other DILs and one of them in particular is polite but doesn't let her walk all over her, she gets slagged off when she's not around but you can see how much happier she is because she really doesn't appear to care what they think. She is supported completely by her DH though, so that's probably the difference. I would love to be more like that.