How to be a better DIL

[RubyG3112]

My PIL are coming to stay for a week and the last few visits have been awkward and stressful, for some background, I've had my first baby and MIL is very matriarchal and needs to be seen to be the 'main mum', for eg she took the newborn in to her room to sleep with her (against my will) because she 'could settle him better', she gave him his first bath when I was sleeping (probably sounds really pathetic, but I was gutted) and took him for his first outing, even though I kept saying I would rather keep him at home - her argument was I needed to rest, even though I spent the whole time they were out the house crying and worrying (post natal hormones I guess) she was partly trying to be nice but a lot of it is about being in charge and being in control.

Just recently she's been telling my DH that we need to start feeding the baby, but he's only 3.5 months, I keep saying I want to follow the midwives advice and wait for 6 months but she keeps on and on, and I get the feeling she'll probably just do it if she gets a chance when she visits.

I've come to realise that this is just who she is, she probably finds me just as annoying, and I know she is a good woman, but most importantly, my dh adores her and gets so upset when there is tension between us.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can try and stay calm and polite and not get irritated and snappy when she visits next week? I want to just have a nice time and not let her get under my skin but I'm already feeling anxious about the visit.

Attilathemeerkat I've had these thoughts, that he is so afraid of upsetting her he puts my feelings to one side, and he knows how hard I find it when she's around. You've articulated my thoughts so much better than I ever could. Thank you.

Ravenmum I do think marital counselling would be good for us, I think it would do so much good for him to hear from a third party how bizarre and sometimes awful her behaviour is. I think sometimes he sees it as a battle of wills between us but it's more just me trying to keep control of my own life while she fights to take it.

My exh only started standing up to his father when his mother died and they no longer presented a united front. He never backed me up and it put huge strain on the marriage; he saw it as me being a bad wife, or nasty and argumentative, every time I tried to stand up for myself. In the long run, that poisons the relationship. If your husband is not prepared to discuss this with you properly, I would really advise professional or at least outside help.

You need to put your big girl pants on and stand up to her

No mil my son is not sleeping in your room

No mil my so is not having solids yet

You don't need to explain yourself, he's YOUR dc not your mil's

You also need to tell your dh that if he doesn't put you and your son first he'll be going home with his mum

Have a good think about why you are not standing up to her. What are you afraid will happen if you do? Are you mainly afraid of her response, or of your dh's response?

Who decided that they were coming to visit again for a week while baby is only 3.5 months old?
I would get a load of snacks/books/drinks in and stay in the bedroom with your baby.

Why are they staying for a whole week? I think for your child's protection if you feel unable to directly stand up to her you need to keep baby in a sling and not allow unsupervised access, I also strongly urge you not to mess around with where the baby normally sleeps at this stage, it's very unsettling if he is used to being with you and seems a bit unfair on a tiny baby to be put with someone unfamiliar

Everything Attila said.

This woman is abusing you. Your H is allowing it.
OP, the solution here isn't more contact.
It's to go very, very, very low contact no contact would be better if your H would facilitate that, which I suspect he won't.

I would add that I suspect your H feels smothered by his mother and doesn't even like her possibly all women and would love to run screaming from her. However he cannot do this as he was parentified (emotionally abused) by her as a child and therefore feels responsible for her.

He uses you - and now your child - as a distraction, to mollify her, to occupy her controlling tendencies and to keep her Evil Eye of Sauron off of him.

Your primary problem is a husband problem.

I agree that this is a husband issue. I also think it’s one that you’re unlikely to solve. She will have been handling him his whole life and he will be totally oblivious to how their relationship works, or the negative effect it has on him. She will just be using you and your child as another way to get to him. All you can do is try and limit your time with them, and grit your teeth through the visits (not the same as being a pushover, you can still stick to your guns).

I get by by doing my absolute best to avoid spending alone time 1:1 with her, and trying to stick to uncontroversial conversation topics. Occasionally I slip up and forget and have what I think is a nice intelligent conversation, but invariably this ends in her gleefully telling my DH all about my shortcomings and an argument ensues. There is no point in explaining to my DH what is happening, he can’t see it.

Ultimately it’s a similar situation, a power struggle about who is in charge, and actually who is in charge of DH. It’s very tiresome. I try and balance his and my DC right to have a relationship with them with my own need to protect myself.

The most ridiculous thing is this is pretty much the source of all of our arguments.

I have an overbearing MIL (though even she wouldn’t have suggested DD sleep in with her!) so I had to sit down with DP and explain all the things that made me feel uncomfortable/like she was trying to take over/assert herself as the best mum and he spoke to her about them. It didn’t change instantly and he had to speak to them another time, but it has slowly got more bearable and now when she oversteps the mark I find it much easier to push back and take control of the situation. I also think those early months are so hard, and it’s so easy to doubt yourself and be talked over and trampled on - I would suggest minimising visits over the next few months while you establish yourself with your baby and build your confidence as a mum.

You do NOT need to be a better DIL, she needs to be a normal MIL. It’s so vital to set boundaries you are comfortable and happy with so this doesn’t ruin your time together as a new family. Things I tried to remember: your baby your rules, you are the matriarch in your home, and you are the best carer for your baby. Oh and JOG ON GRANDMA
Good luck

Go and stay with your family.

I had a MIL who was similar and tried to take my first breast fed new born for the night and said she would give her a bottle. I was horrified. I said no, and since then I have put my foot down. Just get used to saying 'no, and let your mil know that all first 'things' such as first food etc will be done my mum and dad together. If she says or tries to do anything just say 'no, I am not comfortable with that'. My husband was on board though so it made it easier. Your husband needs to step up and tell his mum that although her intentions may be good she is over stepping the mark and making what should be a happy time stressful and that if you want her advice you will ask for it. You cannot continue like this and you need support, otherwise you will have to watch your baby like a hawk around your mil. Good luck!

You don’t need to be a better DIL.

You need to be a better Mother.

(That said, I don’t mean to imply you are a bad mother. I just want to make the point of showing your priorities).

You baby is your priority. Not your MIL.

No is a complete sentence!

And feel free to be a drama queen and have a temper tantrum occasionally. Sometimes it is the only way to make people like your DH and MIL actually hear you.

YOU are the matriarch of your family unit and you need to do what YOU want in YOUR house with YOUR child.

Taking your newborn into her room was abusive and the poor thing must have been so unsettled as all they know is there mother - it's made me really angry for you.

I would tell your DH that if his mother cant control her need to dominate then they need to get air bnb for their visit.

Would he listen to your mother?

Perhaps you need some voice training. Honestly. You open your mouth and let out such a roar - I said No, and I meant No - that she will quake in her boots or get out of your house. It is a useful life skill. It sounds as if you're bleating, in a little girl voice, 'No, honestly, I'm fine, I can manage ..." Your tone is wrong. You do not need to be a better daughter-in-law, she needs to be an acceptable mother-in-law. Your house, your child, your rules. Practise until it comes naturally!

YOU are the mother of this child!! YOU are responsible for what's acceptable or not!

I am all for having a close relationship with your mil and I still dearly miss mine who passed away 2 years ago.

That being said
My lovely mil listened to how I wanted to do things w my children.

She followed our guidelines even if she didbt agree with them.
She didn't see herself as above me in the hierarchy of my children

Result was we grew a trusting bond and as time went on I often asked her advice on things. This would have not happened had she done any of what you describe above.

I would suggest you get your dh to read this thread so he can see that his mother IS overstepping. Then have a joint discussion about how you as a family unit will manage this.

Lastly learn to voice your lion mum voice. NO Not for MY child. I already said this is not how we are doing it stop right away

You have my sympathies OP. She sounds awful. I really struggle having the ‘voice’ people are talking about and I’m incredibly intimidated by my MIL, who does death stares/crying/condescending smiles at the slightest confrontation. She is also very interested in psychology and uses this to her advantage, as though she is some guru and ever so superior!

I know I feel and behave like a mouse in her company and I therefore don’t see her anymore. She sees GC infrequently because of this. It took a while for DH to realise that 90% of our arguments were triggered by his mum and he now can ‘see’ her manipulation and is also happy lowering contact. I hope you get there with your DH, but do protect yourself. It’s not nice feeling so small around someone else. I certainly would be insisting DH cancels the week visit based on what you’ve said, and instead agree on some boundaries together.

Yeah you’re fine.

MIL needs to learn how to be a better MIL

OP

She sounds exactly like my mother-in-law. She was dominant, over bearing, tried to control me and endlessly tried to brainwash my husband, trying to make him believe that I was being unreasonable.

It has taken a toll on our marriage, ten years of hell, and a long road for my husband who took his time understanding how her behaviour was actually wrong, and finally, after a decade, to stand up to her.

I was also like you, new mum... newly married, navigating a new family (Suffocating family dynamic!) and for many years thought I was being difficult for getting upset, feeling my guilty if I wanted something that would ruin the ‘happy family’ or ‘split the family’ (yes, even by having different thoughts )

We are ok now, but I still feel so much regret over how she ruined my happiest memories - and wish I could have made a stand earlier! And it never leaves you.

The thing is that I don’t know what it is about her, she is so nasty I won’t be able to win! She lies, has a very nasty character, loud and Disrespectful when she speaks - I have left it to my husband to draw the boundaries.

There are three different issues for you here

1. You

You need to trust your feelings/gut instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, stick to your guns.

Be confident in yourself, you are the babies mother. You. Not her. If she wants to help, that’s it - it’s help, not taking over as a mother.

If she wants to help you with the baby, she can help support you as a mother. Cooking, cleaning, laundry - she can get baby time, but in these first months (years!) it’s about you, it’s not about her.! It’s about her supporting your decisions as a mother.

2. Mother in law

Her behaviour is normal for most narcissistic mother in laws (loads about!) - they are toxic and have toxic family dynamics - most likely your husband is unaware.

Her behaviour shows she doesn’t respect you as a person, at ALL. My mother in law took baby a couple times in the morning, after third attempt I told my husband no. It was weird, inappropriate - and I was made to feel guilty.

I assure you she will always behave like this if boundaries are not drawn.

But you can only do this if you believe in yourself. If you don’t feel guilty for your natural feelings.

3. Husband

Your husband needs to support you.

Your husband may take a long time to learn. He is probably used to his mothers behaviour, as a child, and just listens to mummy. He hasn’t made the transition to an adult.

But he is a man now, a husband. You are a team. He needs to know that he has to be a husband to you now, and support you.

You will need to be very patient, and it will take time, but you need to talk to him and start discussing boundaries.

None of this is possible if you feel guilty about asserting yourself - i appreciate it will be hard (if you were anything like me!) but at the least, your husband should be clear about the boundaries with her.

Sorry I think this post is longer than intended, but it is my biggest regret that I couldn’t sort it out earlier, and I still feel a lot of pain at the many things I didn’t stand for - they’re never going to come back
Xxx

Jesus.

This is awful.

Just to underline this - she put your baby at risk of dying when she took him into bed with her. She overruled you and she put your baby at risk. Think about that. Co-sleeping is absolutely not recommended in that situation. That was dangerous.

If anyone tried to do half the things you list to me and my baby they'd not be welcome in my house again. And they'd know it because I would have gone BATSHIT at them.

Your DH is utterly enmeshed with her. I really suggest that you show him this thread. His mother is going to wreck the dynamics in his own family - that's the bottom line. He needs to grow up fast, realise he's a father and part of a nuclear family that doesn;t include her and tell her to BACK OFF.

She is controlling. She wants to be top dog and in change. She wants to be the mother of the family.

She is not.

In the meantime, if you want to avoid one big blowout in favour of a more managed attempt at sorting this and putting up boundaries, cancel this visit. Show your H this thread and tell him you're done with it and if he doesn't want you to fall out with his mother then he needs to wake up and stand up for you. Counselling might be necessary though - he's been moulded by her to respond like this all his life, he's not going to see it and he's not going to like hearing this (at first).

If he won't budge - smile, nod and then take the baby away for the duration of her visit. Smile and say you're simply too stressed at the thought of your baby being taken from you overnight, fed without your permission and of being generally overruled in your own home.

Good DIL? She's an appalling MIL. That's your start point.

She is batshit and clearly very wrong on what a baby needs. You can repeat stock phrases as much as you like but you or your DH (ideally him but either will do) needs to put your foot down with her and have a big picture conversation.

"Ethel, you keep doing things with the baby that I've asked you not to do. I need you to respect my decisions and stop going against what I've said if you want to keep coming over and spending time with us."

What?? She is so out of line! Honestly I wouldn’t be having her to stay - but you don’t need to deal with her, your husband does! If he is unable to then you must stand up for your baby - he is not having solids/sleeping with her/going out without you! If she insists then take your baby and tell her she’s not his mum and if she can’t follow your rules she needs to leave. Bloody hell. Good luck.

Bloody hell, she needs to be a much better MIL and your husband needs to be a much better husband.