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Original poster

Husband and my hair

117 replies

BIankets · 22/02/2020 10:16

I have a hair appointment booked today. I want to have my currently (long) hair cut into a long bob. I told him this and he said “oh, I don’t really like you with shorter hair”. It’s very much my hair and my choice which I’ve explained to him, and now he’s taking a “well, it’s your hair” stance but is still clearly unhappy.

Now I’m obviously not going to let that stop me, and my hair will be getting cut how I want it. But that’s a strange comment, isn’t it? When does stating a preference become controlling?

OP posts:

WitchyPoos · 22/02/2020 12:24

I recently did this, had long hair for years and then had it cut to a long bob. I didn't even tell anyone I was doing it I just went for it. Everyone said it suits me and hair looks miles better as a long bob, and made me look younger. Wouldn't have it long again now. I'm only 30 so not a getting older cut or whatever that is 🤣. Go for it and you can always grow it back if you don't like it.

PenelopeFlintstone · 22/02/2020 12:24

And as for "I don't like you...." meaning he literally doesn't like YOU, that's rot. It's simply an expression.
Definitely

Mydogatemypurse · 22/02/2020 12:25

Looked like a baked bean ha ha

RA890 · 22/02/2020 12:28

A baked bean ahahahaha

That has made my day!

Okbutno · 22/02/2020 12:30

It's not just a preference though. It's about him wanting the typical feminine look. It's tges everyday manifestations of the patriarchy which are so ingrained into how women see themselves they can't even see it in how men behave. Urgh so fucking frustrating.

Jojobythesea · 22/02/2020 12:35

@opticaldelusion HAHAHA. Hilarious. My husband did that too and me and my DS's all said he looked like a baby!!! He's grey/white and 50 next year 😂😂😂

Hotchocolate321 · 22/02/2020 12:42

My husband doesn’t fancy me (or anyone else) with short hair (I had my hair short before we got together for a short period of time, he’s seen photos). I don’t think it’s that odd. I don’t fancy my husband with his head shaved - he shaved it at uni for fancy dress years ago.

I don’t think it’s controlling to express an opinion.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 22/02/2020 12:44

opticaldelusion, I thought 'baked bean' was funny too, BUT if the boot were on the other foot and he screamed at you that he hated your new hair and that you looked like a baked bean... how would you feel? I'd feel pretty shit because a) my husband's opinion does matter to me and b) I wouldn't be able to change my hair instantly so I'd know that he hated it for all the time it was like that.

DonnaDarko · 22/02/2020 12:50

Every time my other half is looking for a job, he shaves his beard off. I really wish he wouldn't lol.

To me, he's most attractive with a bit of stubble or a full beard. But I would never tell him that! It's his face and he can do what he likes with it, within reason lol.

BarbedBloom · 22/02/2020 12:54

Honestly, I fancy my DH more with a beard so he knows I don't fancy him as much without one. It is purely an aesthetic preference. However I wouldn't tell him not to shave it off, I would tell him it is totally up to him. I think as long as he isn't telling you what to do, it isn't hugely controlling to express an opinion

Keha · 22/02/2020 12:58

I tell my husband when I think his hair is getting too long and it needs a cut and I will say what clothes I think suit him more. I think he appreciates it because he sometimes isn't very good at keeping on top of his appearance. If this is the only thing your husband does and he is just expressing a preference I don't think that is controlling. I might be a little miffed if my husband said something like that as it would be quite out of the blue. If you feel like you can just ignore him and do what you want then it's not controlling either, it's controlling if you feel scared or worried about not doing what he wants.

goldenorbspider · 22/02/2020 13:02

My other half shaved his chest and facial hair but I love it on the longer side. I don't tell him what to do but if he asked my thoughts I'd tell him which is different

annabell22 · 22/02/2020 13:02

DH's preference is that I have shoulder length hair or longer.
My preference is that he doesn't have a beard.

He has seen me with short hair. I have never seen him with a beard.

If I wanted to cut my hair short, I would. We have also talked about letting it go grey instead of having it coloured - not a chance in hell just now!

These are just preferences, not commands.

Babaoreally · 22/02/2020 13:05

@Okbutno

“It's not just a preference though. It's about him wanting the typical feminine look. It's tges everyday manifestations of the patriarchy which are so ingrained into how women see themselves they can't even see it in how men behave. Urgh so fucking frustrating.”

C’mon - women have more head hair than men and can grow it longer, so of course it’s often symbolic of femininity. Baldness can be seen as masculine but not youthful. Humans have evolved a predisposition for youthfulness - which has also shaped our evolution- which is why our flat primate faces look like pre-pubescent chimps. And also why most women can’t usually grow beards.
And yes - we often accentuate youthful and sexual characteristics- not least with hair removal, hair dye, hair replacement, hair growth.
So - I wonder if you would remove your facial hair if you started to grow a real beard- (it still occurs for some women as genetic variation!) or say it was also bowing to patriarchy to do so?

You can blame patriarchy on lots of things but it doesn’t explain everything!

EdgeWithNoReason · 22/02/2020 13:06

I MUCH prefer my DP with stubble. I tell him I prefer it - he still shaves, obviously.

He loves my long hair (as do i) but if I wanted to cut it then I would.

Flufferbum · 22/02/2020 13:13

I think this is slightly bat shit.

SoupDragon · 22/02/2020 13:13

So it would be OK if the preference he expressed was for short hair? it's all so fucking tedious.

Flufferbum · 22/02/2020 13:13

And some of the replies are just absolutely fucking mental

Hopoindown31 · 22/02/2020 13:30

Lol! Man expresses an opinion on his wife's hair and he's a controlling abuser who hates his wife and is upholding the patriarchy.

Woman complains about DH growing a beard. Lots of sympathy and women saying how disgusting beards.

I love Mumsnet.

Maduixa · 22/02/2020 13:42

Fine for him to have a preference and tell you about it. It might be controlling if he's intentionally sulking/acting sad in an attempt to change your mind - but if that's what's going on, at least he'll stop when it's a done deal! I agree with OoohTheStatsDontLie and others on the unfortunate phrasing. If I were in your place and open to persuasion, "your current length looks really great on you" or "I love it the way you have it now" would go a lot further then "I don't really like you with shorter hair".

Also - I've had everything from a short, clipped/buzzed pixie to almost waist-length hair, and I'd consider anything past the shoulders to still be "long". It's not a dramatic change from several inches longer - not like you're going out to get a crew cut or have your head shaved (imagine his surprise!)

ShadowOnTheSun · 22/02/2020 13:42

Jesus christ. A man likes long hair. Yup, he's deffo a hideous sexist pig. Leave the bastard. And if he also likes hourglass figures to go with long hair.. Just shoot him already, that disgusting monster. It's so not woke. A decent bloke must like his lady.. Oh wait, it's probably not PC to say 'his lady'? His partner? But he doesn't own her, so it's not HIS partner, isn't it? A fellow female human then? Ok, so a decent man should like a fellow human of female gender to have a pixie cut, whatever figure, just not hourglass (boobs, waist and ass are so yesteryear), lots of tattoos and nondescript baggy clothes, not some oppressive dresses or any figure hugging rags, god forbid.

Yet when multiple women fawn about the likes of Jason Momoa, Chris Hemsworth, Hugh Jackman and similar men? Stereotypical manly men: tall, muscular, broad chest and shoulders, strong looking. Then what? Then nothing. Women are allowed to have preferences and fawn over whomever they want.

MadCattery · 22/02/2020 14:05

DH likes my hair long and isn't ready for me to let it go grey. I keep it as it is because it makes him happy-for now. He keeps his hair as I prefer it, to make me happy. Weird thing is, we really like to make each other happy, and hair is such an insignificant thing to us, so it's a small gift to each other. I have warned him that when I retire (about 6 yrs from now) I am going grey.

PumpkinP · 22/02/2020 14:05

I don’t see a problem. I’m sure if some women’s partners decided to go bald they wouldn’t be happy with it (there was a thread on Aibu about it) so why can’t he express a preference? I think most men prefer long hair.

Rabbiting0n · 22/02/2020 14:40

Of course it's OK for him to express his opinion. That's not being controlling. If he tried to ban you from getting it cut short, or promised that X, Y, or Z would happen if you did, that would be wrong, but expressing a different opinion to you is absolutely fine. You are his wife, after all. Yes, your body, so your final decision, but he can have an opinion on your body, even though he doesn't get the final say.

restingbitchface30 · 22/02/2020 15:11

Sorry if what I’m about to say is harsh but get a life ffs. He is not controlling. Can’t believe you went to the effort of making a post over this

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