Husband and my hair

[BIankets]

I have a hair appointment booked today. I want to have my currently (long) hair cut into a long bob. I told him this and he said “oh, I don’t really like you with shorter hair”. It’s very much my hair and my choice which I’ve explained to him, and now he’s taking a “well, it’s your hair” stance but is still clearly unhappy.

Now I’m obviously not going to let that stop me, and my hair will be getting cut how I want it. But that’s a strange comment, isn’t it? When does stating a preference become controlling?

I once had my hair dyed a rich auburn colour. Husband hated it ... my Mum was tactful 'I prefer it lighter' so I got some highlights put in and gradually went lighter. I think it's perfectly reasonable really - but ultimately your choice.

His comment isn't controlling. He's stating what he thinks suits you best. You are both entitled to different opinions on this.

If he has a standard short back and sides and told you he was going to get a skinhead, you might also say that you wouldn't like it, but you both know he can get what he wants. Just the same.

When I met DH he had long hair and I liked it. He's had to cut it since, due to jobs, etc. but I'd still prefer it if he had long hair.
Likewise I had short hair when he met me and he liked it. Over the years I've had it longer and shorter, and I know he prefers it when it's short.
We all have preferences.

He phrased it really badly. If he'd said "I don't like your hair as much when it's short" I think it would have been less hurtful, but I doubt he meant exactly what he said.

I can’t stand beards and have made it clear to DH that there won’t be any fun stuff if he grows a beard.
So he still has choices.

@Seadad - I sense a double standard here. Maybe your DW also wants a haircut that is "less fuss in the morning when shorter"'. And maybe her complaints have to do with her not fancying how you look with your hair that short, just like you don't fancy her as much.

OP, unless there are other things your DP says that worry you, I wouldn't stress about this one. As PPs have said, we all have preferences wrt to how our partners look.

I told DP I was going for a haircut, he said "well, don't get a bob, I hate bobs".

My hair is a bob, always has been.

Anyway, of course he can express a preference. That's not controlling. If he said "you may not, I will not allow it", that is controlling.

And as for "I don't like you...." meaning he literally doesn't like YOU, that's rot. It's simply an expression.

I don't think it's an odd comment for him to voice an opinion on your hair.

It only becomes a problem if he tells you you cannot do it.

I can’t stand beards and have made it clear to DH that there won’t be any fun stuff if he grows a beard.

Are you normally so controlling?

There's ways of saying things

I like your hair longer
I think your hair suits you longer

Etc

Saying
I don't like you with shorter hair is horrible phrasing. It's going to change your personality?

OMG a baked bean!
I fully agree with this. My OH would much prefer to have a shaved head all the time but it just does not suit him at all. Maybe I am being a bit controlling by being very opposed to the idea though.
I think cutting your hair short signal getting older to a lot of both men and women and maybe he has this at the back of his mind. And I obviously don't mean to most people nowadays but this was definitely a thing in my mums generation.

@Cordelia16 - I don’t see the double standard? I know DW prefers my hair after it’s grown a little after it’s been cut. But yes, it’s my hair!

And yes - I’d really prefer it if DWs hair grew back to the same long length I like every time - but of course it doesn’t. But it’s her hair - and yes - it’s probably less fuss in the morning than long hair.
I think I need to work on my belly for her to really fancy me tho !! Lol

It's your hair.

My DH likes my hair long. It's currently in a pixie crop! He knows better than to say anything because he knows it's my hair and my choice - in the same way that I don't make demands over how he should look.

If someone loves you then your hair style shouldn't matter.

He’s allowed to have a preference and his preference will probably mean he fancies you more when your hair is longer.

If he decides to grow a beard/shave his head/get a facial tattoo/nose ring/wear purple braces to hold his trousers up etc etc-you would probably have an opinion and would probably voice it. Would you?

Oh for goodness sake it’s not the expressing a preference that’s controlling, it’s the sulking like a spoilt child when the OP didn’t immediately bow to his opinion (order) and decided that she’s getting it cut anyway.

The Saturday morning handmaidens are out in force 🙄.

Straycatstrut, if that was to happen to me, say, I’d get over it pretty quickly. With a body like that he can do what he wants to his hair 😂

I don't think it's an unreasonable statement. I don't like beards, a partner can grow one but accept that for me it's a turn off and that may implications in the relationship.... That's not controlling but being honest.

Op I'm surprised that it was so last minute you discussed this as surely this would have come up in conversation beforehand?

My dh dyes his hair 🙄. I absolutely love white/grey hair on men. I find it incredibly sexy and I’ve told him a million times I hate it when he dyes it. I also want him to have a little beard because I love that rugged look on him. But does he listen? No 😌. DH always reminds me to stop eating too many peanuts because they give me spots. He saw some zits on my face a few days ago and said “you ate them again”, and was really disappointed in me 😂

Surely we’re allowed to tell our partners what we like and don’t like?

@opticaldelusion I'm the same when my DH suggests shaving off his beard. I think I said Jimmy Somerville rather than a baked bean, though, when he last did it.

My DH is the same.
He hates short hair.
Mine was bum length when I met him, he doesn’t find short haired women particularly attractive.

Disappointed to see the ‘is he usually this cobtrolling’ posts.
Controlling indeed
I hate my DHs beard and he knows it.
It’s his face though, i would never stop him growing a beard but I don’t find it as attractive.

It’s not controlling to prefer certain things.
It is controlling to force those certain things.

Which your DH isn’t doing.

Urgh he's so basic! It's almost a cliche men having a preference for long hair. It's why hair extensions are so popular and almost all of the celebrities who dress for the male gaze have long hair. I'd be embarrassed if my husband said that. He lnow9it will put you off and knock your confidence
Het it done and rock it!

When does stating a preference become controlling?

When it's followed by sulking and manipulation in an attempt to get you to change your mind. I tell my DP I like his hair when he's just trimmed it. But that's all. I'm positive about what I like, I don't make it a reflection on whether I like him or not. I don't sulk if it gets a bit longer and he does nothing about it. It's his hair and I still love him.

On its own your DH's comment is just badly phrased. It's what else goes with it that will allow you to decide if it's controlling or not.

I dont think its controlling hes expressing his opinion. I prefer my husband with a bit of stubble but would hate a full beard, I would still love him though but he knows just like I know he prefers me blonde to brown. But it's your hair and he will get used to it.

I'm also amazed at all of the women commenting here that they think it's fine for their husbands to have such strong (v typical) opinions on how they and women should look. Men like long hair because it's typically feminine. I'd be ashamed to be in a relationship with a man who has such boring retrograde views on how women should look. It's not just an opinion. It's about him feeling women should look a certain way.

Also of course it is controlling as he's got a bit of a sulk on now.

@BIankets I never understand people who say a man is controlling if he doesn't want his girlfriend/wife having her hair cut short.

Why is the opinion of your LIFE PARTNER not relevant or worthy? These same women complaining he is being controlling, will quite happily moan about their DP/DH growing a beard.

My DH would never want me to have short hair, and I wouldn't want it either as it wouldn't suit me. Shoulder length yeah, but not short. A hairdresser I used to go to, kept trying to convince me to have the hideously fugly 'inverted bob' when I hit 40. I said hell will freeze over first. She kept nagging me so much to have it, that I stopped going to her.

I'm talking about this monstrosity above ^.

So yeah you are being unreasonable to not think he should have an opinion. He has to look at you more than you do!