Not sure if he can ever love like that again

[mountaingroat]

As said by my bf who I am with for two years.
Nc for this.
He does not know if he will ever love any girl ever again like he loved his exgf of ten years ago!
She broke his heart.He said it took him years to get over and has dropped this bombshell onto me last night.
WWyd?

When I first got with my DP he made a comment like "my last girlfriend was 8 years ago, she broke up with me, I really could have married her". 4 years on he claims he can't remember saying it. But I still think about it often, I have self esteem issues.

So, OP, tell us the stuff you've told him you will and won't tolerate in a relationship. Oh, hang on, is he not that keen on anyone else being uncompromising about their needs?

Not entirely relevant to your case, OP, but your thread brought it to mind. I have a married male friend I used to be very close to we now live in different countries who often talked sentimentally about his first love, someone he met at university and was with for seven or eight years, who eventually left him, breaking his heart (and ended up married to a formerly high-profile politician, and was in the press a lot because of a major scandal, which was in no way her fault).

He liked to reminisce about her, her fiery beauty, her uniqueness, wit and charm, her brilliance, the intensity of their love, and to imply he would still drop everything if she crooked her little finger at him etc. (To which I used to say 'And your wife and two children?' And he would sigh and shake his head in a maddening 'Oh, you don't understand way' and I would change the subject.)

Anyway, the thing is, I've met her since I moved away, and as far as I can gather, the entire intense 'doomed young love' and her as Queen of Beauty and Uniqueness stuff is a figment of his imagination. She's a nice enough woman in a 'jolly hockey sticks and an Alice band' way, not a raving beauty and wit, and her memories of their relationship (I'd mentioned where I worked, and she knew he worked there, so it came up) are that it was a classic student 'starter' relationship for two teenagers from very sheltered, conservative backgrounds, and he was a gloomy, routine-bound loner who lolled about watching daytime TV and gaming while supposedly doing a PhD, and it was never going anywhere. And that he was a total commitment-phobe!

Meanwhile, he's in the process of divorcing his nice wife because it's 'no longer working for him', and still sighing over his lost love. (I have not shared any of my information with him.)

I suppose what I'm saying is that one person's Perfect Love and Heartbreak is the other half of the couple's mildly comic starter relationship.

OP hasn’t given examples of “dubious” things he’s said, what he “won’t tolerate” and “won’t change” about himself, nor what she has I agreed to do, nor what “certain flaws” she has agreed to accept.

She has referred to some flaws she sees and him saying that he is “damaged” and has “attachment issues” due to a past relationship. Those are red flags, especially if as it seems he’s using them to manipulate OP.

OP, you're 26 years old. 26!!!! God to be 26 again, but 20 years have gone in a flash, and they will for you too.

Are you going to waste it on a man who goes out of his way to make you feel not quite good enough or are you going to start living?

@BoudoirPink That story made me smile but you are so right.

Op, the guy im seeing was completely infatuated with his best friend who passed away 3 years ago. I have been seeing him casually for a year. Prior to that he was married for a long time. He used to do the exact thing that @BoudoirPink states above, pine for that amazing woman who affected him like no one did (not his long suffering wife!). I suspect she really wasn't that amazing plus she used him as a fallback despite his infatuation but who am I to say that? To be fair he hasn't said that in a long time but I'm sure he pines for her at times but doesn't tell me as he knows I'd be hurt.

I think if my relationship had legs like yours, I'd seriously think about leaving. You deserve someone who treats you like you are the one, rather than the one he has settled for.