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Original poster

Not sure if he can ever love like that again

105 replies

mountaingroat · 21/02/2020 11:29

As said by my bf who I am with for two years.
Nc for this.
He does not know if he will ever love any girl ever again like he loved his exgf of ten years ago!
She broke his heart.He said it took him years to get over and has dropped this bombshell onto me last night.
WWyd?

OP posts:
Original poster
mountaingroat · 24/02/2020 21:08

I have spent many hours processing your replies.
Would I be batshit to think that because he can be emotionally immature, boastful, attention seeking and has his own attachment issues, that he is trying to figure out how committed I am?
He has always been upfront about his deal breakers/ non negotiable things in relationship. He has told
Me from early times what he likes/ doesn't like. What he is willing to accept and not accept.
I agree to these things because they are what I want too but I now wonder if he did s testing to figure how much O really
Love and accept him and if I will
Go the distance. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
mnthrowaway202020 · 24/02/2020 21:16

Even if that’s what he’s doing, that’s such unhealthy and unreasonable behaviour from a partner. It’s weird frankly - your entire relationship isn’t supposed to be a “test”.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 24/02/2020 21:33

I wouldn't be so dismissive about his reasons. I lost someone I loved and as things stand now, I am not sure I will ever be able to love anyone again the same way. Which is actually a good thing because for all the happyness I had, there was equal amount of torture of being afraid to lose him and then getting over him when it finally happened. So no, I would not love anyone again the same but I would also not hurt over anyone the same way either.

I honestly don't think he is being sinister in his intentions like PPs suggested. But I would question why he chose to tell me.

thickwoollytights · 24/02/2020 21:36

Would I be batshit to think that because he can be emotionally immature, boastful, attention seeking and has his own attachment issues, that he is trying to figure out how committed I am?

Maybe that's what he's doing - but who wants a man like that?!!! Confused

TorkTorkBam · 24/02/2020 21:52

Why would you want to be with someone of such bad character who then tests you to see how much shite you will tolerate?

Seriously, why?

SummerWhisper · 24/02/2020 22:12

It's OK for him to be damaged and hurt and it's also OK for him to damage and hurt you by putting you in your place. What an ego trip he is. If he were genuinely damaged and hurt, he would limit the impact on you. He doesn't care about you.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 24/02/2020 22:18

He is setting you up

  1. to do the PICK ME dance and you haven't even really got a rival except his idealistic view of this fabulous ex

  2. as a fall back...you will NEVER measure up, no matter what you do, how you look, how you behave

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? How did he make you feel when he said he could never love anyone like he loved her??

Move on, and do it fast before he breaks down that last shred of your self respect and inner strength.

LightDrizzle · 24/02/2020 22:26

What a bellend.
He can’t help the way he feels! What does that even mean if you try to unpick it?
Can any of us help the way we feel and does the way we feel justify our behaviour?
What about men who hate women and seek to hurt them, if it’s the way they feel is that okay?
Honestly he’s grooming you to make zero demands on him whilst doing the pick me dance against the projected perfection of his ex.
He thinks he’s the puppet master. Time to cut the strings.

Please stop twisting your brain to find ways to make this dynamic workable. It really isn’t.

BoudoirPink · 24/02/2020 22:27

Jesus, OP, he’s really done a number on you, hasn’t he? The more self-absorbed and pompous he is, laying down the law about His Feelings, the more you see it as a challenge to prove how much you love him?

Get rid and do theFreedom Programme.

hoohar · 24/02/2020 22:45

How old are you both???

Original poster
mountaingroat · 24/02/2020 22:50

Me:26, Him:34

OP posts:
category12 · 24/02/2020 23:05

It's really unhealthy to go along with being constantly tested and treated like he's a prize to win. A relationship being difficult doesn't make it worthwhile. Value yourself higher than this. You deserve better.

TorkTorkBam · 24/02/2020 23:09

Start saying no to stuff. Random small things that don't particularly matter like what you watch on TV, where you eat out, who drives. See what happens.

dustibooks · 24/02/2020 23:16

He has always been upfront with his dealbreakers / non negotiable things in relationship. He has told me from early times what he likes / doesn't like. What he is willing to accept and not accept His demands, in other words.

And has he allowed to you be equally upfront with laying down your demands too?

MMmomDD · 24/02/2020 23:31

OP - I wonder if you are over analysing this all...
Can it be much simpler? Maybe he was just being not-too-aware of how it’ll affect you and was just being factual - in a non-empathetic way....
This is something I could have thought/ or even said to a friend....
But what it actually means for me isn’t the meaning you are putting into it.
For me - this is how it goes....
First love - especially if it ended in a painful way - is often that raw and desperate and intense feeling that is never really repeated. And for a good reason - who can survive that sort of intensity. It’s meant to stay back in early adulthood phase....
Then, for me, an another love - mid/late 20s.... Strong and and a bit more mature. Thought he was the one to settle down with... Thought after that that I’d never love anyone ever again - he was that.
Time passed and it all changed again.

Point is - no love is ever the same. The younger and tragic ones often feel dramatic and ‘never will I ever...’ but - those weren’t ever meant to last. And the drama would have killed it off with time.
So - don’t be envious of the past.
Live in the present.
Leave if the relationship isn’t making you happy, but not because he said something about the past that you think has some overarching meaning.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 24/02/2020 23:43

I’m surprised at your updates, OP, in the light of what everyone has rightly pointed out. What do you want people to say? Hang in there, do whatever he wants, pander to his every need and then one day he’ll love you as much as he loved her? Well they are not saying that, are they? You are wasting your 20s on a man who has said you’ll never measure up to his ex, you’ll never be good enough, only second best. Is that what you really want? You need to get some self respect and ditch this self absorbed prick and find someone who thinks you are his world, not just someone to pass the time with until someone better who matches up to his true love comes along. Unfortunately he’s told you that you are not that person and never will be.

Friendsofmine · 25/02/2020 00:20

I think all of this may have been blown out of proportion. Are you in a happy relationship? If yes, this isn't a reason to leave without any context as some of us have said there are other interpretations of what he said that don't warrant a LTB.

Onemansoapopera · 25/02/2020 00:36

I think everyone needs to calm down on here, maybe he was just being plain honest! Not nice to hear but there you go, at least he's transparent! The one thing we all want but also hate - honesty!

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 25/02/2020 00:53

I wouldn’t be able to handle this bit a mate of mine is happily married to a man who told her just that. She ignored it & continued on as normal. It’s down to what makes you feel valued, safe, happy, secure & loved.

supercali77 · 25/02/2020 06:09

@Onemansoapopera honesty is no use if it's not hand in hand with kindness and respect . If you know you cant love someone the same yet care about them, you consider your words and their impact. If you know you cant love someone the same and dont care enough you end things so the person can find someone who loves them. Its basic decency to weigh up your words and intentions.

hoohar · 25/02/2020 07:26

At 26 I wouldn't be settling for this he sounds immature and you don't need to spend your life wishing he loved you more.

MaxNormal · 25/02/2020 09:44

Oh god just leave this tedious prick. You're young, find someone who doesn't treat you as second best.

Dozer · 25/02/2020 10:10

Your updates make it even clearer that he’s a loser! You can do SO much better!

Thatnameistaken · 25/02/2020 10:13

If there's one thing I've learned in 25 years with my DP is that a happy relationship relies on compromise on both sides. Your boyfriend is not prepared to compromise in any way, you have to understand and follow his tolerances, no ifs or buts, that is no way to spend your life, especially when he's telling you he doesn't and never will love you like the wonder woman from his past. You deserve better, go and find it elsewhere.

FetchezLaVache · 25/02/2020 13:29

And has he allowed to you be equally upfront with laying down your demands too?

This occurred to me too.

It also occurred to me that he's probably not even that hung up on his lost love, it's just a convenient barrier to total commitment.

You are clearly desperate for this chap to be The One, but why do you even want that when he has told you unambiguously that you are not his The One and never will be?

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