Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if he can ever love like that again

105 replies

mountaingroat · 21/02/2020 11:29

As said by my bf who I am with for two years.
Nc for this.
He does not know if he will ever love any girl ever again like he loved his exgf of ten years ago!
She broke his heart.He said it took him years to get over and has dropped this bombshell onto me last night.
WWyd?

OP posts:
Shortfeet · 22/02/2020 17:17

How is the relationship in general ?

Original poster
mountaingroat · 22/02/2020 17:21

Excellen.I am loved and appreciated . He organised llovely trips for us and treats me kindly.He appreciates everything I do for him

OP posts:
Original poster
mountaingroat · 22/02/2020 17:25

He has said some dubious things to me through our relationship. Like he is trying to see if I can accept him because he cannot change or whatever s unwilling to change who he is .
I accept him 💯 until now where I felt hurt even though he didn't mean to be cruel .

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 22/02/2020 17:29

He is TELLING YOU “ YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND NEVER WILL BE “
Run .

Dozer · 22/02/2020 17:35

What things about him have you accepted “100%”?

Has he done similar for you?

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 17:36

I drop a plate on the floor. It smashes. It does not matter if I threw it in anger, if I were being careless, if someone knocked it out of my hand, if it were just unlucky: the plate is still broken.

Same with you feeling hurt repeatedly. He wants you to focus on his intentions, on his past pain, his poor troubled mind. No. Your feelings are the plate.

Pandamoore · 22/02/2020 17:41

My ex used to bring shit like this up a lot. It's to make you feel like you aren't enough for them. Basically, to make you sad. Dont stay with him, he is a prick.

AnneKipanki · 22/02/2020 17:49

You could look at it this way .
He might find love like that again one day but he has told you it is not with you .
Please move on . It will not be worth it .

Butterfingers64 · 22/02/2020 17:49

I was in a 30 year EA relationship. This is exactly the sort of thing my exH would have said. It makes him feel powerful, he enjoys negging you, there is no end to it. Leave now.

redastherose · 22/02/2020 17:51

He didn't say it to make you up understand what a broken poor little man he is, he said it to tell you loud and clear that you will never be as special to him so that you will try harder and harder to be the perfect girlfriend and will expect less and less from him. Please listen to everyone on this post who is telling you he is not a nice man. Nice men don't tell their girlfriend of 2 years that she'll never be good enough for them.

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 17:52

What kind of dubious things did you let slide?

thickwoollytights · 22/02/2020 18:09

Good god. Get rid of this odious, self absorbed, man child Confused

Pandamoore · 22/02/2020 18:10

Be prepared for him to backtrack or tell you you are blowing what he said out of proportion too when you call him on it. Dont believe the manipulation. The only reason someone tells you they were in love with their ex in the way he put it is to make you feel like they will never love you like that. He.meant.to.be.cruel.

He is telling you who he is. Believe it and run.

FinallyHere · 22/02/2020 18:16

he told me to know how damaged and hurt he was after it was over.

And is setting you up to excuse any shitty behaviour towards you as 'not his fault, poor him, oh dear, you just have to deal with it, he warned you how damaged he was'

Lots of people respond to this by trying to help, as a really decent human being. It sets up the power structures all wrong you are not equal, he is the one who deserves all the consideration. You just have to keep trying harder and harder. You will never succeed.

He will hoover up all your self confidence and give back ... nothing. You see, he is damaged.

Ruuuuunnnn.
Really, run. Now. While you still can.

Original poster
mountaingroat · 22/02/2020 18:30

He can be set in his ways and knows what he tolerates and doesn't tolerate.He doesn't change his mind easily.
I'm shocked by the responses because he said those things in a way that made me think that he could not help how he felt.

OP posts:
Coolcucumber2020 · 22/02/2020 18:42

Everyone can help how they feel and everyone has a choice to say it or not.

Love is a choice too I believe. You choose to love someone as number one in your life, and respect them, or you choose to not care how bad they feel if you tell them that they are never going to be number one.

My Ex used to come out with rubbish like this too. That he was so devastated over his previous girlfriend. That sometimes he felt he wasn’t in love with me as much as he should. He’d wonder whether we should be together.

Tell him OP that you are looking for more than being second best. Tell him you want to be the most important relationship and then see what he says. Observe him closely. Question him if he backtracks.

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 18:55

He can be set in his ways and knows what he tolerates and doesn't tolerate.He doesn't change his mind easily.

This would be absolutely fine if you were the same. Yet you seem to think you have to mould your personality around his. You do all the bending. You swallow down your feelings. No! That is wrong!

You need boundaries as strong as his. Be you.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 22/02/2020 19:18

I wish more women would love themselves as much as they love the men they settle for, and you are settling OP.
You've got they rest of your life to live, are you going to spend it with a man who openly tells you he can only give you dregs?

category12 · 22/02/2020 19:37

I'm shocked that you're prepared to accept never being good enough for this man.

Please don't.

It's really important. Being "enough" for my current partner is like balm to my soul after a previous relationship - you don't realise how crushing it is.

Pandamoore · 22/02/2020 20:13

'Cant help how he felt'. Oh please. He can jolly well help what he says! I would never dream of telling someone I gave a crap about, that I'd been with for 2 years - that I had a great love in my past that they'd never be able to measure up to. Even if it was true, it is a nasty thing to say. Normal people keep those things to themselves. You know who don't? People who have an agenda. An agenda to make you feel like you arent good enough and should tolerate their future mopieness abd bs because boohoo poor them, they loved and lost. Worlds smallest violin plays.

thickwoollytights · 22/02/2020 20:23

I'm shocked by the responses because he said those things in a way that made me think that he could not help how he felt.

Maybe he can never ever love you enough ( god knows why you'd want to stay with him - you must be mad)

But he told you (imo) in a cruel and controlling way

FinallyHere · 22/02/2020 20:45

he said those things in a way that made me think that he could not help how he felt.

We all have choices. His are working out pretty well for him. You are on the back foot, trying to work out what you have done wrong. How you can be better. What you need to do to help him.

For you ... no so much

TorkTorkBam · 22/02/2020 20:49

I feel all kinds of things that I choose not to verbalise.

mnthrowaway202020 · 22/02/2020 20:52

I wouldn’t stay with someone who said that to me OP. He’s essentially still in love with her. You’re the rebound, you’re second best in his heart, you’re not the one he wants. He’s basically told you that he settled with you - that’s unfair really.

And you’ve been together for two years - so all the good times with you for the last 24 months were not enough for him to get over her or actually fall in love with you like he did with her. So why are you planning on staying? It’s such a degrading situation.

I’m sure being single isn’t as scary as you may think, you’ll find someone better than him who can give you 100% - who will tell you that you are enough for them.

LuluJakey1 · 22/02/2020 20:54

He could have told you how hurt and upset he had been but he did not have to tell you he has never loved anyone as much as he did her and won't ever. That is where he deliberately sad it to achieve something - he is distancing you on his terms.
I think you should tell him how you have felt about it 'I have been very upset by what you said. If you are telling me you will never love me more than someone who treated you badly and dumped you 10 years ago, I don't want to continue with this relationship. I deserve much better than that. So what is it you are actually saying?'
Listen to his response and make your decision. He sounds as if you are second best to me.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.