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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has left after 22 years

85 replies

RupaulsHagface · 20/02/2020 20:50

I am in shock, I feel numb, I had thought for a while something was going on and found evidence in his phone, confronted and he has left me. He says it's nothing to do with 'her' and won't give any details. Doesn't love me anymore, I am broken :(

OP posts:
fromagefreak · 20/02/2020 20:54

You poor thing - that's absolutely awful. I know from reading other similar threads on mn that you will get no end of support on here and lots of really good advice. Sending you a massive hug xx

HugeAckmansWife · 20/02/2020 20:56

I'm so sorry. I'll be the first of many posters to say 'me too' I'm afraid. First steps is tell people in real life, try to eat, or drink sweet tea. Take time off work. Do you have children? Allow yourself at least a week to process the grief and shock. Then get angry as fuck. Steel yourself for the 'script' where he blames you, says he's been unhappy for years and presents a version of the past that you don't recognise. The alternative is saying 'yes I saw someone younger / shinier / sexier / not asking me to put the bins out' which sounds a bit shit so they turn it on you. Then get practical, legal advice. My number one thing to remember is this: he is no longer on your side. I'm so sorry xxx

Mumdiva99 · 20/02/2020 20:56

Oh no. Sorry to hear this. Do you have someone in RL to call who can come over?

KatieRobin · 20/02/2020 20:57

I’m so sorry. Do you have anyone in RL that can offer support or that you can talk to? This must be incredibly emotional and difficult for you. Sending a hug your way

Sakura7 · 20/02/2020 21:01

I'm so so sorry. Do you have people around you for support?

It's going to be a tough and confusing time for a while but you will get through this. Lots of people here understand what you're feeling x

TheStuffedPenguin · 20/02/2020 21:11

It is the worst feeling in the world when there is a quick and sudden reveal like this . You are likely to be suffering from shock . Yes, another one who has been there and my only comfort to you is that you WILL get through it all . It's a long hard road I won't lie . For now - drink loads of tea and get joint bank accounts frozen after taking out some ( a load) to see you through the next few weeks.

KatherineJaneway · 20/02/2020 21:13

Big hugs to you Flowers Do you have real life support?

Original poster
RupaulsHagface · 20/02/2020 21:54

Thanks ladies, I made him tell the children (they are 14 and 19) but he gave them a different version, didn't mention the girl - he wouldn't tell me anything about her but within the evidence she has a very young sounding name. He is almost 40, mid life crisis? When I say everyone loves him, they did I was so proud to be his wife, he was truly a wonderful man but then lied to me for hours tonight, and all the while I had the evidence on my phone, as soon as I showed him it was all about how I wasn't this, and I didn't do that....I feel just bereft. My sister is on her way, I feel embarrassed, hurt, lost - I said as he left I love you, always will. I will ask the kids to tell him to come at weekend (I will go out) so he can remove everything, I can't watch that. The kids are being great, sad but giving me hugs and making me tea. I knew I was right, I knew something was wrong, I feel sick looking at the valentines flowers, he made me a meal, we have a holiday booked and he has been talking about what we are doing when there. All a pack of lies, he never would have told me if I hadn't found the evidence, that's what's making me sick - I have always said if you ever don't love me - tell me, don't start something behind my back. And he did anyways :( thanks ladies it's going to be a long hard night

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 20/02/2020 21:59

So sorry to hear this.
You have family which means that you have a reason to move on
He is a liar and a cheat
He's not thinking of you or his children
He is thinking only of himself and OW
Get rid and make a beautiful life for yourself and your family

pallasathena · 20/02/2020 22:14

You will survive OP. In time, you'll thrive and very likely if you want to, find someone who really truly deserves you. Stay strong and be kind to yourself.
Flowers

Iloveplacentas · 20/02/2020 22:36

I’m so sorry. I know it doesn’t help now at all but do not think they’ll be happy together. Especially if she’s much younger. Once it hits him the reality of what he’s given up, and how little they have in common, he’ll be miserable. And he’ll look like a right twat. Like Paul Hollywood. Hopefully you will get the house, the money, the kids, your self respect and have lost nothing but a complete fuckwit

NomDeQwerty · 20/02/2020 22:44

Been there. It's shit.
Seriously though, you need to get on top of this now.
Contact your bank asap. You need to make sure he can't empty your joint accounts. Ditto running up debt on joint credit cards. Also if you have a mortgage make sure he can't increase the borrowing on it. Do you have joint savings accounts? Move half out into a sole account.

NomDeQwerty · 20/02/2020 22:47

I can't emphasise enough how fast you need to do this even though you're in shock and struggling to even accept it's happening.

Tomorrow you need to book an initial appointment with a solicitor. It's good to get a recommendation. You need to know what you're entitled to and how to negotiate the best deal. He's known about this for far longer than you and has probably made plans so he's well ahead of you.

mamato3lads · 20/02/2020 22:53

Oh god!! You must be in bits OP, I am so sorry hes done this to you.

You're in shock, allow that to just "be" for now, put no demands on yourself. This is life changing and profound and will take time to get past and move on.

Grieve and deal with practical things for now. Know that the intense pain does not last. You will be ok. You will continue and life has opened up some shiny new doors for you. .in time you'll walk through them and be happy again. Glad you have RL support....keep posting, the brilliant women on here will help you through xxx

thickwoollytights · 20/02/2020 22:56

Sending you my love. Take each hour as it comes and force yourself to get the financials tied up and the legals started. He's an arse and you will see that in time. You will also realise , in time, how lucky you are to have found out and to be able to move on Thanks

LittleCandle · 20/02/2020 22:58

Its shit. I had this happen - well, I told him not to come back since he was dipping his wick all over the place. I told the kids the truth (18 the day after I found out and almost 14) because there was no way I was letting him be the victim in this.

I know right now that the light at the end of the tunnel is hidden around a corner, but trust me, better days will come. Take each day at a time and I hope your friends in RL rally around, but we are all here for you. Flowers

SuperbMonkey · 20/02/2020 23:10

@RupaulsHagface, have a look at the ‘Some Friendly Words’ thread. There are lots of us who have been married about the same length of time as you, and who are going through exactly the same thing. We are helping each other through this and we feel much less alone. I’m so sorry that you are going through the same. Look at chumplady too. It will give you strength for what’s ahead x

MallonMary · 20/02/2020 23:24

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending positivity your way.

It could be the start of something amazing for you. X

FlamingFreezing · 20/02/2020 23:29

Don’t let him lie to your DCs. Tell them what you found and that’s the reason he left. They’re old enough to know. Tell everyone. Don’t let him rewrite history and try to blame you. There is no excuse for lying and cheating, let alone to someone who’s shared you life for 20 years!

Please don’t be embarrassed, the shame should be all on him.

So sorry you’re going through this but PP are right. After the shock has worn off a bit, get angry then get evenFlowers.

Also definitely check bank accounts if they’re joint, freeze joint credit cards. He may clean them out. Now he’s been rumbled, he’s not the man you thought he was, so prepare for him playing dirty.

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/02/2020 23:33

I am so sorry op. Like many others on here, I have been there. We know what you are going through. Hugs and empathy.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/02/2020 23:37

Flowers so sorry OP. There are no words. Just keep breathing in and out for now.

FlowerArranger · 20/02/2020 23:37

Sigh. So many of us have walked this path. It may not seem feasible right now, but you will survive this. Indeed, you may emerge stronger at the end.

Some useful reading for you:

www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/

And do see a competent family lawyer. You don't want to let him take you to the cleaners.

lesleyw1953 · 21/02/2020 00:01

Please get legal advice ASAP because you won't recognise the person he has morphed into - protect yourself and your DCs. So sad this is happening . I wish I could think of something to say that would make things easier for you Flowers

PixieDustt · 21/02/2020 00:03

He's a weasel and a coward!
It won't feel like it now but you will be glad he left.
Thanks for you and your children.

Original poster
RupaulsHagface · 21/02/2020 00:58

Thank you so much for your messages, I'm sorry so many of you have also been through this pain. Thanks for the links I will go and have a read. My sister is staying over, I've deactivated Facebook and Instagram, I haven't texted him and I won't. He was a different person tonight, he wasn't the man I loved, he put all the blame on me. I'm going to survive, I don't know how but I will. I have days of pain ahead but I have to stay strong. Thank you for the hand hold xxx

OP posts:
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