My husband has left after 22 years

[RupaulsHagface]

I am in shock, I feel numb, I had thought for a while something was going on and found evidence in his phone, confronted and he has left me. He says it's nothing to do with 'her' and won't give any details. Doesn't love me anymore, I am broken :(

@RupaulsHagface I just messaged you on another thread. x

I’m so sorry. This was my mum after 21 years of marriage - he turned the entire thing on her.

It was hard to watch (as her child) and there was much heartache until the fug slowly Iifted. It does but you have to be strong and also kind to yourself.

Pleased you’ve got some real life family support around you and this the place to say what you don’t want your loved ones to hear.

Oh God, Ru, I remember this time. Bloody awful, and yes, like a PP said, the worst pain. I'm nearly a year in (we separated temporarily - with a view to him getting sober/clean and us hopefully fixing our marriage... but finding out about the OW - also a now ex mate of mine - was the final nail in the coffin). It's unbelievably shit, and I'm so sorry that you and your kids are going through this. No assets here either, thank God. I've filed for divorce.

Is your sister and mum still with you? I could barely eat a thing at first, but found that clear soups (miso soup) were helpful to get some calories into me in the early days. Also fruit/raw veg/nuts. I managed to keep working through it all (I've known my workmates for over 20yrs/since I was 18 and they're all like a second family to me, so that helped) and let my manager know the situation. I found that work helped me keep sane (and keep a routine....which in turn helped me to sleep etc etc). Almost like an anchor. Going for walks/a run also helped me.

Can you get yourself changed into some comfy PJs and curl up with a book and a hot chocolate, or something like that? Might help you doze off. First person you have to look after now, is yourself (and then your kids), so that you can keep going each day. I also made a promise to myself that I would accept any invite from friends/family (if me/the kids were free). It stopped me from hiding away from the world (which is all I wanted to do), and that also really helped me.

You're going to feel like you're wading through treacle/in a bad dream. I promise you that things will get better. Tell your family/friends/close colleagues, let them support you and the kids. Don't let him re-write history (my ex did that too), he's only doing that to make himself look like less of a tosser. You didn't put a bloody knife to his head and tell him to go screw another woman.....anymore than I forced my exH at gunpoint to drink/take drugs behind my back, lie/gaslight me for years and strike up an affair with someone I once thought was a friend of mine. Sending you loads of love and best wishes xx

@RupaulsHagface, I’ve been thinking of you today. Your sorrow and devastation are palpable. I do sense a strength in you that will carry you through this nightmare.

Please know that this is not about you at all. It isn’t due to anything you have or have not done. It is all down to his weak boundaries and huge sense of entitlement to pursue an illicit ego boost. He is pathetic and I would have zero respect for him.

Has he shown even a shred of remorse yet? I hope you’ve told your children about OW. They need to hear the truth.

PS it all blew up in his (my STBXH) face within about 6 months. He and OW split in full on drama fashion (and for some crazy reason BOTH of them were messaging me about it all! Gave me a bit of entertainment for a weekend) and he then tried crawling back (I declined this, ummm, opportunity).

I so feel the pain you are going through now. Firstly, none of this is your fault. If he was unhappy he could have told you. They always give this excuse, a sign of a weak individual. You will get over it and eventually one day you will realise how better you are without him. People change I would never ever again want to be with someone who lies and cheats. Sending you big hugs. Ask yourself what advice would you give your daughters if someone did this to them. Xx

Hi, it's 5am and I have managed a little
Sleep, although waking up and having that empty feeling is awful. I texted last night to say can we talk? Figured maybe we could chat it all through. He told me there was nothing to chat about and i should access some help and have counselling via works employee programme. After all these years and the best friendship it came down to thar. He has totally checked out with no looking back. So now I am in a position where I need to try and sort things out (bills etc, changing names on bills etc and he won't engage) of course some things need the both of us to sort like bank accs). I will have to ask someone to mediate to
Sort as he obviously has no intention of having any kind of future correspondence with me. I think that is the hardest part of all this, how can a person just check out and not look back? Every memory I have he is there, I'm walking round our home with every trace of him gone. The memories are stabbing me in the heart. I love him and I always did and will, who is this new person who doesn't care anymore? Who just took everything away from me? Sorry ladies I'm not good at the moment and I can't seem to process everything

Hi Op, terrible time for you and you have been given loads of great advice. A couple of things. Your DH will probably see no gain in talking to you. In fact shining a light on his behaviour will only make him look/feel bad. So he will avoid that. He will want to keep all communication to strictly practical things.

All this is new and raw to you, but he is probably months ahead of you. He possiblly checked out of your marriage months ago (even though he hid it from you). That's why he can walk away without looking back. Plus again looking back only reminds him of the hurt he has caused. He will want to avoid that, and that's why he will rewrite history.

When my husband did this after a 30 year marriage it was like an alien had taken over. The loving, kind, funny, caring man I knew had become this hard, cold being with no emotion. I wondered if I had married a psychopath and not known it. I don't know what happened. The book Runaway Husbands was really helpful as it showed I wasn't the only one to go through it. There is a pattern of behaviour so these cowardly men and not special and unique but following a time worn path.

He needs to preserve his image of himself as a good man. To do this he has to disengage. He has to blame you. He doesn't want to see the mess he left behind so he won't look. You are his past and he will change history so that he will always be the hero in his drama.

We have to catch up. Lawyer up. Get your own account if you don't have one already. Get to the dr to get something to help you sleep. The website Lessons at the end of a Marriage has lots of good tips for getting through this. You will get through this and there is something called post traumatic growth that means you will be stronger. But today you need to eat, sleep, get documents and start rearranging the house so it is your space.

It is hard but lots of us have gone down this road and will cheer you on and send you virtual hugs.

What @DrMorbius and @mostlydrinkstea said.

I texted last night to say can we talk? Figured maybe we could chat it all through. He told me there was nothing to chat about

This is the standard response. Stop trying to engage with him. Nothing good will come of it. He has checked out. He knows he has behaved despicably. He will stick to his own narrative.

All you can do at this point is take care of yourself and take control of the process of separation and divorce. If you focus on the practicalities, your heart will (eventually...) take care of itself.

I've had 2 extremely upsetting breakups where they have just turned stone cold on me . It really is the worse feeling when someone you trusted and shared so much of your life with suddenly cuts you off and doesn't seem to care a jot anymore but as pp have said , that is textbook response of the cheater and is of no reflection on you .

Op I hope you manage to get through the weekend with the help of your daughters. Do they know the truth yet? Are you able to all go and stay at your mums or a friends house?

Just checking in RuPaul. I'm glad you managed some sleep. I know it's not easy. If you can/feel up to it, try and blitz some of the practical stuff.
-any joint accounts, take half the money out (so that you can live on it) and then have the bank freeze the account (stops him racking up debt with an overdraft on it etc). Ditto stopping any joint credit cards if applicable.
-contact Council Tax people to get the 25% reduction for single person occupancy.
-if you get Tax Credits, let them know. When I did this, I had to do a new claim for Universal Credit (I do work full time, but we previously had tax creds). It's worked out better for me and the children with the UC.
-I'm unsure what to do re: bills. Luckily they were all in my name (ditto the house that I rent etc etc).

Wishing you all the best xx

He has totally checked out with no looking back.

Never forget this. Never

Move forward with grace and dignity and when he comes crawling back - remember how badly he treated you

Empty the bank account! Don't take half! Why should he get anything? Do it ASAP before he takes it all!! Because believe me - he will!

I’m afraid with some men who get caught out there really are no half measures, they are either with you or they simply aren’t. They can’t stand anyone knowing they are a shit or having to talk about it, so they just move straight on . He will regret this OP at some point, if not the ‘affair/ relationship, he will certainly regret this as an ending. They nearly all do st some point, when it’s been a good relationship.

I'm so sorry. You may not feel like it but try to spend as much time as possible with your mother and sister, they will help you through it. They can help you get the legal side in order as you probably won't feel up to doing it. You WILL feel better eventually.

Identical scenario happened to me. 27yrs married 3 grown kids. Disappeared off to live with ow and her 2kids. Was like I never existed. I died inside. I truly did. I walked the the house at night like some sort of lost lonely ghost. I thought I saw my long since passed mother. I vomited. I shook. I couldn't keep food down. My stomach constantly churned. The pain was like nothing I have ever experienced. The fear was worse. I became a zombie. I realize how extreme that sounds but that was my experience. He never text, called, nothing. Just disappeared. There was nothing left of me except one thing! A tiny, minute spark that refused to hand him my dignity!
Obviously I had to contact him regarding house, car, his stuff etc but I kept my texts blunt and to the point. Sometimes I was particularly nasty which sounds awful but felt great! I lost two stone. I bought new clothes. I exercised to dull the pain. I listened to self hypnosis at night on you tube which were fantastic in helping me sleep (plus nytol). I put my make up on every day. Styled my hair and slowly with a routine I became calmer and more focused.
Two months later he came by the house and clearly was shocked at the transformation. Suddenly he started texting. I ignored him. Ringing. I ignored him! Called again to house begging for second chance. How I enjoyed myself when the boot was on the other foot.
Anyhow he finished with ow and after many long talks we decided to give it another try.
That was 5 years ago and I can honestly say that although it hasn't been easy we are really close now. A different marriage than before but a much more honest one.
I'm sorry for being so long winded but if you do anything do not chase him! If your dog runs away in order to get it back you must go against your instinct to chase it and run in the opposite direction! Treat yourself like a queen and focus on you! Your strength will return albeit slowly but it will return. Bless you sending love and hugs

@Bettysnow
Thank you for sharing your story.
This is more common than people think and well done for getting through it with such dignity- such strength.

@bettysnow - May I ask - do you ever trust him, second time around? If you do - how?

Trust has been really difficult. Honestly sometimes i've driven myself mad wondering if hes being honest although deep in my soul I know when hes lying. Honesty surrounding how you feel is key regardless of how silly something sounds. Get it all out! Say exactly what you feel! Rant, rave! At times you will be more angry with yourself than him. Dear God its hard at the beginning but absolutely gets easier.
There's strange comfort in knowing that whatever happens in the future he can never hurt me like that again.
That first pain is the ultimate and can never be replicated.
Making a decision is liberating and i have decided that one whiff of anything untoward them I am gone. He knows this.
I look inside myself now not outwards. I am getting stronger every day and what he does/plans to do is not as important as it previously was.
Trust yes very hard to achieve but once you learn to trust yourself you will never need to worry about putting your faith in others x

If your dog runs away in order to get it back you must go against your instinct to chase it and run in the opposite direction!

Dog being the operative word here . You are saying because you looked better he came back?

God no!lol After nearly30 yrs I doubt that! Human beings want what they can't have! They place value on that which is unattainable! Absolutely the visuals helped but when he saw me it was clear that I hadn't gone to pieces(I had) This made him doubt himself! Doubt what he had given up! Why wasn't I a wreck? Why wasn't I begging him back?
I'm not saying what I believe is is best for everyone but it worked out for me.
As previously said honesty and trust in oneself are paramount in protecting yourself! Change isn't always a bad thing and things which ultimately seem debilitating can result in us becoming something we never thought we could x

Hope you're bearing up ok ru xx

Hi everyone, thank you, especially @bettysnow it helps knowing I am not alone but I hate being in this club. I tried to write this last night but after so little sleep I couldn't focus on my phone to write. Yesterday was up and down, visits from family and friends, everyone has cried, he was very loved by all and everyone so shocked as believed he adored me. The youngest asked to see the screen shot of the email I had screenshot ted which was the proof there was someone else, he didn't tell the kids the reason he left was that I found him out. He wouldn't want to lose face and be the bad guy. I have realised it's possible he was planning to leave later, and without me ever knowing he left for someone else rather than i fell out of love with you'. That was so he would keep his reputation as the good guy in front of his friends, family and children.

I managed the food shop, I cleaned, then opened a bottle of wine, listened to some sad songs and cried and cried. Managed to get 6 hours sleep through the night, still haven't eaten since Thursday, living on tea really.

It's so weird how your emotions are just changing by the hour, I feel like I am bouncing around the grief cycle, one moment I think I'm good I can do this, the next I can't breathe and think I can't go on.

I have good friends and a good family, all rallying round to make sure I am managing. You know the worst thing is, it's made me question me as a person, I'm not perfect but I am kind, I devoted all these years and I feel like he has shut the door on me. I sorted out all the finances and send him an email with what needed to be changed. I am hoping he will pay some household expenses for a while as well as maintenance, we will see if it turns nasty. He told his mother that he was planning to call me Monday to meet up to discuss finances as he couldn't do at the time as I was irrational. Bastard. I told him in email that didn't work for me and I wanted sorted via email and no contact and to sort and sever this completely.

I feel like I am rambling now to you, I've been reading all your posts about your experiences and it's hard to see so many people hurt in this way, at the moment I swing from hating him to wanting to text and beg him to come back. It's all such a mess x