My husband has left after 22 years

[RupaulsHagface]

I am in shock, I feel numb, I had thought for a while something was going on and found evidence in his phone, confronted and he has left me. He says it's nothing to do with 'her' and won't give any details. Doesn't love me anymore, I am broken :(

Sending hugs. His loss!

Thanks Panda xxx

Putting the blame on you seems to be a regular MO. It helps him to disconnect from you with his view of himself unchanged. Very immature. Bless you. You will be so much better without this scum bag.

I’ve just realised the same!
I posted on here a few days ago and have since read a diary full of pages about desires for other women, the truth about how he felt nothing for me anymore and that he’s been having an emotional affair with a girl at work.
We had just started counselling and he’s lied to the counsellor too.

I feel torn apart.
Our children are 9 & 6 and will be devastated.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too.
Sending hugs x

Sending you strength and love @RupaulsHagface and @NorthernFloral. Look after yourselves.

So sorry for you. No words. flowers

I Can't believe he lied to the kids about there being another woman. They are old enough to know this. What a coward! There is no blame for you whatsoever. If he wasn't happy in the marriage, there were any number of things he could have done which don't include being a lying sleaze bag. I have a feeling that he's been undermining your confidence for years. I really hope this is the start of a new you even if it's painful for the phoenix to rise out of the flames.

You've done nothing wrong, no relationship is perfect all the time.

I can understand what a shock this has been for you. Be strong, better days are ahead.

Glad your sister is with you.

Get a lock on the family money. He will most likely be buying his gf presents, planning hotel dates etc etc
He is not the man you knew and trusted.

Thank you and Floral, I'm so so sorry, I know how you feel, I feel like someone has torn my heart out and I am left with a gaping hole, I'm struggling to catch my breath at times. We don't really have any assets, we have a rented house and a car but I barely drive. It's 5.30 and I have emailed him our finances, it's going to be tough on me but I will make it stretch. I will have to cancel our holiday which we have paid about 4K so far, with another 3k to go. I cannot meet the payments now so expect to lose quite a lot of that, but it seems unimportant now. When I showed him the evidence he didn't even say sorry, he knew he had been rumbled and was more upset about me having it, his words were who gave you that? Not I'm so sorry. I think he has met her on a night out, I think she is probably quite young, probably beautiful. I'm 3 months post hysterectomy, overweight and feel dowdy - that will change, I've heard the divorce diet does wonders for your figure. I just can't believe we are no longer together, we have honestly been best friends all these years. It's 5.40am and I still haven't slept, my sister wouldn't let me open the wine and I really wanted to. Not sure how I will function today I have work and meetings, it's going to be so hard. I've emailed and asked him to come tomorrow night to collect his belongings, I will go out walking for a few hours, I can't watch him pack up his life :(

I am so sorry, OP. You must be in utter shock. He has inflicted great pain on you and the children. He has shown a massive lack of integrity.

Do not accept the blame for his infidelity and abandonment. Indeed, if he had issues with your relationship, he had ethical options, including working with you to solve them, seeking couples counseling, or ending the marriage in a honorable manner.

His rewriting the narrative and shifting the blame are manipulations used to justify his selfish, unethical choices. He alone is responsible for his lying, cheating, and treating you all with contempt.

You will get through this. You would likely benefit from the support of individual counseling as you go through the grieving/healing process. This would be a safe place to express your feelings, organize your thoughts, and strengthen your self-esteem.

I agree with others that the children should be told the truth about the OW.

I'm 8 months on.
The first few months I was in limbo. I don't recognise the person I was back then.
I have 2 kids 17 & 22 and they have been amazing.
My ex turned into an unrecognisable stranger within minutes of me discovering his affair.
I never asked questions as I didn't want to know. Found her on Facebook (once) realised no matter what she looked like for some reason my ex was prepared to betray me for her.
Over the months I have looked back and seen my relationship was pretty toxic (he had lots of mental health issues)
I still shake my head at the speed and finality my marriage ended.
Financially it's been hideous, I'm selling my house now and I still feel I've lost my right arm sometimes but after 26 years he was able to walk away and never look back.

It's bizarre because everyone said I would get through it and the first months were agonisingly slow. A day felt like a week but then suddenly you start genuinely smiling again.
My ex's actions have left me with some trauma and I'm receiving therapy and am on antidepressants but I'm coping.

I'm very sad that my marriage was a sham and the man I thought I loved was so weak and pathetic but I'm surviving and I'm doing ok.
I've accepted that I will always feel some level of hurt due to his betrayal and eventually I will have a new normal but I just wanted to say I remember the first few days/weeks so well and it's the worst pain I've ever felt.

One day at a time.
Practically I'm useless but I'm muddling through.
Take care

Oh and the divorce diet is the best thing to come out of this.
Take small wins where you can.
I met with my ex for the first time a couple of weeks ago to discuss finances - I was 31/2 stone lighter and he looked old and tired.

Strength to you, OP. Just be straightforward with the kids "What Dad didn't tell you, for some reason, is that he has met someone else, and that is why he is leaving. I'll let him fill in the details for you." If you don't tell them, you become party to his lie. All the best to you, and get some good legal advice.

You sound so strong and focused OP. What an inspiration!

Definitely tell the kids though.

You are in shock. This is a huge thing to,process and the way that your brain works is as if you have been in a car crash or other trauma. You may not feel like being practical but getting to grips with finance and booking an appointment with a good family lawyer are key. Ask around. So many women have been through this and you have just joined the club no one wants to but is larger than you think.

You will want to try and make sense of why he did this but after a year in this club I can say it is wasted time. This isn't about you. He will try say it is all your fault, project his shadow, blameshift, or whatever but here is the important bit. This is about him and his character. If he was unhappy he should have had the decency and courage to talk about it and not dip his wick in another woman. He made promises to you at your wedding and he has broken them. He has lied to you and has avoided telling the truth to his children. Character.

Get yourself a mantra. It might be. My husband has left. He has lied. He is not my friend. Repeat it a lot.

So sorry. Be kind to yourself and let your family and friends look after you.

Aw I hope you haven't gone in to work op
You'll be in no fit state , you will go into this weird state of grief , apart from it's worse in some ways as the fucker hasn't died and is free to go off gallivanting ( I remember this grief period well though its hard to describe in words)
Anyway please take some time off

Hugs from me OP. I'm nearly three years on after finding out + confronting xh. In my case OW was his colleague, and my friend. We were about to go on holiday with her and her family when I found out. In many ways even now I'm not 100% healed, but fortunately I'm miles better than when I first found out. I recognise so well your description of being unable to breathe at times. I felt like I was hit by a truck. Please be kind to yourself. Remember to eat if you can, even if it is some pieces of fruit and try and drink. I found cups of soup or broth the only thing palatable at times. Lost a lot of weight too, so much that people started asking me if perhaps I was ill.
I have found a strength in myself that I didn't know I had, and have managed to piece myself back together again. You will too, but it will take time, baby steps. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. You will switch from anger to sadness.
((hugs))

Mantras are good! Find your good qualities and tell yourself in the mirror. Sounds weird but works.

Please look after yourself. Lots of good advice on here.

Yes, do collect every scrap of information about finances, including salary slips/P60s and pensions. The latter is sometimes forgotten, but is extremely important and represents a valuable marital asset.

But PLEASE do not share this with him! Division of assets, spousal support and child maintenance

is something to be discussed as part of mediation during the formal divorce process. Don't be bamboozled into signing something you may regret. You need competent legal advice.

Everyone is right OP, you won't recognise him even more in a few months. My H did same to me a few months ago, he is now living with her. He just turned 40 she is half his age. He is awful to me now, it's a real me vs "them" vibe. He barely sees his kids, he lies and lies and lies constantly.
I was absolutely broken when it happened, I did pick myself up though and am slowly moving forward. Just know you will okay. But for now just take care of yourself, eat, sleep try and rest as much as you can.
God, I am sorry you are going through this as well, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Read the script too, it will show you that it isn't just you. I found reading the book Runaway Husbands really helped me get my head around it. And come on here for support, MN has saved me the last few months.
So sorry OP, it is truly shit, but you will rise.

Hi all, thank you for the lovely posts and advice, everything taken on board and have more of an idea of what's next.

Today was horrendous, I have cried and cried as has my mother who was bereft at me breaking down. I had a bad moment and I smashed a photograph in a frame I was overtaken by some emotion and needed to lash out.

He said can you go out so he could get his stuff, he cleared everything, there isn't a thing left, he took the TV from our room which really upset me. Even took his dvds from the drawer leaving mine. Youngest daughter took down all the photographs so I wouldn't be upset.

Eldest daughter said her dad told her he had been unhappy for a long time (shame her didn't tell me and told me he was happy and loved me everyday). Currently 39 hours no sleep, 28 no food, cups of tea - at least 40.

I feel like I'm falling down a hole and I can't get out, I'm falling lower and lower :(

I’m so sorry. How cruel he’s been.
The holiday sounds like an expensive thing to cancel. Is there anyway you could hang fire on that and maybe go with someone else who could help you meet the final payments?

@RupaulsHagface, just popping on to say that I know exactly how you feel. You are going through some of the most painful times. The not recognising him as the man you thought you knew, the removal of his things, the denial of the happy times you had. Please, please remember that you know your own truth about the marriage. He is rewriting history to justify his actions in starting a relationship with someone else without talking to you, working on problems in your marriage, and being honest. It’s who he is. Believe I your truth. You will get out of the hole. Some days you will fall back in, but one day you won’t and that will be it. And read chumplady. That website saves me when I am feeling weak. x