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Relationships

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Original poster

He’s going to propose but..

115 replies

WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW · 20/02/2020 14:10

Long story short, without making a long ass post.
My DP gave me his phone to use as mine had died when we were out. I was looking for something in particular and price comparing. I lost a page so went to the history to find it and saw DP has been looking at engagement rings. I’m one of these ‘can’t help myself’ crappy people who had a sneaky look.. I’m ashamed of myself for looking but it was right there. The 2-3 rings he’s looked at aren’t to my taste at all. I’m fairly big on jewellery so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want something that I like.
However I would absolutely hate to hurt his feelings regarding his choice, it’s special because he picked it, but I really don’t like the ones he’s looked at.

We’ve discussed being married briefly and how to go about it as we have a baby together now and we’ve been talking about making myself and our daughter secure for the future. I said we could go to the registry office and just do it. But DP wants to do the whole proposal and wedding party ect. Which is fine by me, I love a good party . So I asked him if he would choose the ring solely by himself or whether he would let me choose as he knows I can be fussy and I could take the pressure off by choosing my own. He said he wants to pick it. That’s fine, can’t complain I thought that it would be really lovely that he wants to pick it out.

So I’m glad he’s genuinely thinking of doing it and isn’t beating around the bush forever as it’s something I’d like to do for me and DD and he agrees.

But now I’m slightly scared of what my reaction will be to the ring, I know it’s not the most important part and at the end of the day its a Very minor factor. But I’m a person who likes my jewellery and fashion, I know I’m fussy and I know that the rings he’s looking at I really don’t like. It’s going to be on my finger forever, I want to like it.

I sound so selfish and rotten.

If it was you, when he proposes would you just accept it as he picked it, or would you gently tell him it’s not to your taste?

OP posts:

justasking111 · 20/02/2020 17:25

We went looking around jewellers so he had a good idea of the type of ring I liked. My DILs did the same to be honest. I would start doing that.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/02/2020 17:27

So yes, I do think you should have a choice, as you are wearing it.
You could show him some rings you do like ?

ChanklyBore · 20/02/2020 17:28

If you don’t like it, don’t wear it.

Where is the idea that this is something you have to wear on your finger every day for the rest of your life coming from?

Sounds impractical, for a start. don’t know anyone who wears the same ring every single day without taking it off other than my later grandmother as she had arthritis and couldn’t remove it over a swollen knuckle (she wanted it off, she was widowed). In fact I don’t like to ask how the funeral director got it off....!

Either buy it yourself if you want something specific or don’t bother with one.

MimiLaRue · 20/02/2020 17:31

You will be wearing this ring for the rest of your life. If you cant be honest with him about not liking it, then what does that say for your relationship? honesty is important and how will he feel if he finds out years later you hated it all along? he'll be really hurt

MimiLaRue · 20/02/2020 17:32

If you don’t like it, don’t wear it

Or.... she could choose one she DOES like and enjoys wearing. just a thought

thickwoollytights · 20/02/2020 17:34

Our way round it was he bought a cheaper one for the proposal then we went shopping together for the ‘forever one’ which was lovely.

But why not just choose the ring together and then he asks you to marry him at a time of his choosing?

tara66 · 20/02/2020 17:42

I cannot understand why any man should think he is the sole person to choose a ring his partner has to wear for the rest of her life (maybe) and she should have no say in it.

steppemum · 20/02/2020 19:12

Sounds impractical, for a start. don’t know anyone who wears the same ring every single day

I wear my engagement ring and wedding ring every day. I take them off at night, but I know many people who don't. I actually specifically didn't want a raised stone so that I could wear it all the time

heartshapedpositnotes · 20/02/2020 19:27

Even giving him hints and examples of what you like, there still might be a tiny element of the ring that might bug you forever.

I remember saying to an ex that I wanted a grey dressing gown like the one Rachel wore in friends (jersey and lightweight) - we even had photographic evidence! On the day I opened up a huge woolly (albeit grey) monstrosity. It was hard enough saying for something so innocuous 'thank you darling what an amazing thought...it's not quite what I imagined, let's take it back and get a different one'.

You are a woman who can't take a chance on hints for such an important piece of jewellery.

user1480880826 · 20/02/2020 19:46

Why do men presume to know what ring a woman wants? I find the concept really odd. On any other day of the year they wouldn’t trust themselves to chose your clothes/shoes/jewelry so why do they think it’s sensible for them to chose the thing you’re going to wear on your hand every day for the rest of your life?

I think you need to drop some massive hints about what you want/don’t want. I like previous poster’s suggestion of saying someone at work has just got engaged and the ring is horrible because it looks like XYZ and is from shop XYZ. Or even say that someone at work has just been given an engagement ring that she really hates and it’s made you worry about how hurt your partner would be if the same thing happened to you therefore perhaps you can chose the ring together.

TrixieTheWhore · 20/02/2020 19:50

I absolutely shat myself when DP got down on one knee with a box. I had a sex and the city moment picturing a yellow gold band with a blingy rock on it like Miranda chooses.

Luckily he'd drafted his sister in to help choose, and me and her had spent many a glass of wine looking at rings together.

You should have a ring YOU love. If you don't love it tell the truth and choose a new one.

I'd be sending him examples against his wishes.

Blueuggboots · 21/02/2020 07:12

Nope, I'd be horrified. You need to say something.
I'm a massive fan of jewellery and my OH knew this when we got together. We looked at designs I liked and she approved of too then had one made and I chose the stones with a budget.

Original poster

WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW · 21/02/2020 07:29

I wear two rings constantly already, very very rarely take them off, even to sleep. I’ve had them on my fingers for perhaps 4 years now, the longest I’ve had them off was for my c section as I was in hospital for 4 days.

Mixed opinions here, but I think I will try a mixture of advice. Starting with the “so and so got engaged I love her ring because..”
failing that if I don’t like it I will break it to him gently and suggest we pick one I do like together. Maybe, if there’s any aspect I do like I’ll try and soften the blow with “I really love the XYZ on it but I think I would have preferred one with ADCDEFG”

And also may send him subtle ring hints.. like full blown pictures of ones I like. Although that feels obvious that I’ve seen his search history now

OP posts:

MuscatelGrapes · 21/02/2020 07:37

God almighty, enough with the ‘hinting’ suggestions! They have a baby together! If the OP can’t talk plainly to the man she is planning to spend her life with, no amount of jewellery, ugly or otherwise, is going to fix that.

Dozer · 21/02/2020 07:41

When you say “making me and DD secure” does that mean that you work PT or SAH? If that’s the case, then marrying asap should be the top priority, eg not a long engagement.

As for the ring, just tell him that you’ve been thinking about it and would v much like to choose a ring.

Dozer · 21/02/2020 07:44

Don’t do the insincere “I love X, Y, Z, perhaps we can....” thing. “Managing him” gently. Urgh.

Do you usually prioritise his ego above your wishes, or is this a one off?

Whatsbrownandsticky · 21/02/2020 13:31

@albus55 I felt the same about my ring and we got engaged 6 and a half years ago, it was one of those halo ones which were in fashion, but square! I love it now and it's so me.

gingersausage · 21/02/2020 14:16

Why are you still being so weird about it? Are you doing the ridiculous “waiting for a proposal” as well, rather than just discussing getting married like two grown ups? It’s so needy and dependant.

I saw my engagement ring in a jewellers window and pointed it out to my then boyfriend, now husband as the one I’d want if we ever got engaged. When we talked about getting married I said “we’d better go and buy my ring before they sell it then hadn’t we”. I can’t imagine having no input on something I’ve had on my finger for 30 years. Just for fun, when we went in to buy it I got him to choose one that he thought I’d have liked. I did actually love it but it was claw set and would have driven me mad whereas mine is rub over and doesn’t catch on anything.

AlexaAmbidextra · 21/02/2020 15:49

3. Go shopping together and conveniently walk past the shop, stop, look, hint, maybe even playfully suggest you go in to try it/them on.

4. You could pick out a few you don't like, ones that look like his ones, and mention you're not keen on them, but I think that would be pretty mean and I do not suggest doing it. It would also look obvious/suspicious.

Ffs! What a bloody pathetic palaver. Just tell him.

Original poster

WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW · 21/02/2020 19:52

We have talked openly about marriage and how to go about it, but he wants to do the proposal and wedding, which I want(ed) too but suggested just nipping to the registry office when DD was born as I definitely want that security for the future for all of us. (To the person who asked, I’m n maternity at he moment, have savings but don’t tend to use them anyway because they’re savings not usings. Will be going back to work 3 days a week, I was doing 4 days before MAT so I’m only dropping a day. I have a good professional career and am paid well so I don’t necessarily need financial security as it’s not an issue for myself).

I’ve also told him I want to be married so I can have the same surname as DD (don’t get me started, please don’t do the ‘you should have gave her your name’ thing) the original plan was to have DD have my surname, which he was a bit hurt about as he would have liked her to have his surname but he agreed she could have mine until we married. But when she was born and seeing him put his heart and soul into caring for her and me I said she could have his last name. I don’t regret it, even though it makes me a little sad not sharing her name for now it was worth it to see how happy he was.

Anyway, yes I can talk openly to him about it, but he wants to surprise me and I’ve ruined my own surprise I guess.
I can bring it up in conversation and tell him what I do and don’t like for ‘when the time comes’ - I just feel like this soon after he’s looked at rings might make it obvious that I know something

OP posts:

Blaccat · 21/02/2020 19:59

There is such a simple solution. Discuss getting married and say you'd like to have input into the ring. Considering it'll be Yom your finger forever and he'll probably be relieved to get help.
Just go to the jewellers a few times and then he'll get the idea of what you love and then leave it with him

Blaccat · 21/02/2020 20:01

I didn't see all the above. Jesus this is clearly not about a bit of jewellery. Seems like hard work

Original poster

WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW · 21/02/2020 20:19

@blaccat it’s hard work because I make it hard work to be honest. I have bad anxiety so I tend to massively overthink and dwell on things. So now I’m over thinking about the ring, his feelings if I tell him I don’t like it, my feelings if I don’t.

I couldn’t fault my DP though. It’s me that’s the problem I just don’t know how to fix it 😂

OP posts:

chester18 · 21/02/2020 20:33

I would have to mention it somehow as there's no point you having a ring you don't like. Can you say you've been thinking about the fact that he wants to surprise you one day with a proposal, but what about choosing a ring together as that would be really romantic then he could keep it till he decides to propose. Or go out shopping with him and happen to stop at a jeweller and ask him what he likes, then point out one you really like. Another idea would be finding a celebrity who has got engaged and has a ring you like and comment on it when you're looking at your phone. Good luck

user53976478853 · 21/02/2020 20:46

This would be a lot simpler if you stopped putting yourself last in everything, and valuing your own needs and wants as worthless.

The baby took his surname not yours because he pulled a sad face, you're not married yet because he pulled a sad face about how he wants it done, you're not engaged yet because he pulled a sad face about wanting to do it his way, you're not getting a say in the timing because he pulled a sad face, you're not getting a say in the ring because he pulled a sad face, you're worried to bring it up in case he pulls a sad face...

And meanwhile your feelings rate where exactly in your decision making process?

As for the ring, just tell him that you’ve been thinking about it and would v much like to choose a ring.

This would be a perfectly fine, assertive and healthy way to discuss this.

This is your life and your future too. Value yourself enough to stop being a people pleaser.

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