He’s going to propose but..

[WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW]

Long story short, without making a long ass post.
My DP gave me his phone to use as mine had died when we were out. I was looking for something in particular and price comparing. I lost a page so went to the history to find it and saw DP has been looking at engagement rings. I’m one of these ‘can’t help myself’ crappy people who had a sneaky look.. I’m ashamed of myself for looking but it was right there. The 2-3 rings he’s looked at aren’t to my taste at all. I’m fairly big on jewellery so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want something that I like.
However I would absolutely hate to hurt his feelings regarding his choice, it’s special because he picked it, but I really don’t like the ones he’s looked at.

We’ve discussed being married briefly and how to go about it as we have a baby together now and we’ve been talking about making myself and our daughter secure for the future. I said we could go to the registry office and just do it. But DP wants to do the whole proposal and wedding party ect. Which is fine by me, I love a good party . So I asked him if he would choose the ring solely by himself or whether he would let me choose as he knows I can be fussy and I could take the pressure off by choosing my own. He said he wants to pick it. That’s fine, can’t complain I thought that it would be really lovely that he wants to pick it out.

So I’m glad he’s genuinely thinking of doing it and isn’t beating around the bush forever as it’s something I’d like to do for me and DD and he agrees.

But now I’m slightly scared of what my reaction will be to the ring, I know it’s not the most important part and at the end of the day its a Very minor factor. But I’m a person who likes my jewellery and fashion, I know I’m fussy and I know that the rings he’s looking at I really don’t like. It’s going to be on my finger forever, I want to like it.

I sound so selfish and rotten.

If it was you, when he proposes would you just accept it as he picked it, or would you gently tell him it’s not to your taste?

Go shopping with him and point out the styles you specifically like. Also point out the ones you hate so there is no chance of him getting one like it (or if he has already bought it he can return it!!!).

My husband pretty much knew what I wanted even though he choose the actual ring himself.

I got a family heirloom which had been returned by his previous fiancée. Stunning ring but.....

honestly im like this
😱

I could not wear a ring every day that I did not like.
It says something about me, about who I am.

dh proposed and we bought macthing rings, very unusual and made for us by a loval silver smith. Mine is white gold, and his yellow gold. I have 2 rings, engagement and wedding that sit together and look like one wide ring, he has one ring.

I totally LOVE the fact that our rings are unique. We are the only ones with these rings.

Could you open up a conversation along those lines?
Or just say - listen I have been thinking, and I realise that we sort of left the ring thing hanging. I would hate to wear a ring I didn't like, and I want to wear the ring you chose. How about I send your a sample of 4 rings I like, and 4 rings I DON'T like, and then you will know my taste?

Much better to say something now, because once he has given you the ring, it is much more hurtful to change it.

This is ridiculous.

You're going to be wearing it. You should decide what it will be.

Unless you are supposed to be some kind of mute and without-opinions Symbol instead of an actual person?

Ask yourself if the tradition was that you got to pick an Engagement Jumper that he then had to wear every day, you honestly think he'd be ok with it being your choice with no reference to him?!

Also - this is a bad start, really. I would be able to say to my DH that I wouldn't like him to pick a ring and exactly why, and he'd be fine with that because my opinion would quite simply be more important as I'd be wearing it. Because he's normal and sensible. And that's one of the reasons I married him.

Tell him gently, yes. But if you are unable to say 'I'm sorry but when I looked for X I saw the styles of ring you've been looking at and I don't like them - they are not to my taste. I don't want to have an engagement ring I don't love, and I think it would be better if we chose together.' - if you can't say that to him and know that he will understand that it's a logical and sensible thing to say, then you have bigger issues.

I wore my ring for one day - the day we became engaged - and then took it off as I really didn't like it. Explained (very nicely) to DH that I'd prefer something different. He was fine - we picked out a different ring together and that was that.

I really don't get the huge hype about an engagement ring that you know you are going to get? Surely what makes it special is that he picked it? At the end of the day, he is the one proposing to you.

My friend got a family heirloom ring, it's not pretty by any means but it's so so special to her because her fiance gave it to her. She doesn't LOVE it but the compromise is that after they get married, she will pick a nice expensive eternity ring or alternatively her wedding band (she hasn't decided if she wants both) which is more to her taste. What does it matter about an engagement ring really??? It's his present to you, and your wedding ring is your choice.

As long as it's a not a cheap peace of tat that doesn't last last a year then I'd just suck it up and love what your partner chooses for you - he is paying....

I don't understand why people are suggesting that you allow your DP to buy something worth thousands that you don't like... and then expect you to wear something every single day forever (that WILL catch people's attention), that you don't like!! Why!?!?!? Who cares if he picked it, there's no romantic reason for what he's picking its just his taste I imagine.

You need to say 'look, you know I'm fussy and it would be a shame to spend a lot of money on something that I don't love, and I love the fact you want to propose, so... if you do want to pop the question at some point, this is the style that I like'

I can guarantee it's a weight off for him too!

I would find an article of a celebrity that's gotten engaged with a ring style you like. Whilst you are sat watching TV say, oooh so and so got engaged, isn't her ING gorgeous? I really love how it has XYZ. I wouldn't want one that is ABC (the ones he wa slooking at)

Ring!*

If he's going to get it that badly wrong.. you need to tell him. The proposal can still be a surprise, but he either gets you something you'll love with explicit instructions, or you shop for it together (I did this myself and it was great). No other options.

Personally I would be upfront with him. Tell him you know he wants to choose it himself and that you love him for it (!) but there are certain rings you would absolutely be blown away by (bit of hyperbole - he must want you to be delighted or he wouldn't be proposing?) and then give him 2 or 3 pointers - leave him in no doubt that the choice will still be his (but hopefully to your taste! ). Good luck.

Your DP may surprise you in the end, especially if you drop a few hints in to conversation (the "friend at work" thing, looking at costume jewellery when you're out shopping and saying "gosh - that's hideous/gorgeous", etc).

I knew my DP was planning on proposing (he's not as subtle as he thinks!) and he knows I'm not keen on yellow gold, but the rest of the decision was totally in his hands. As it turns out, he didn't tell anyone before he bought it and only told my parents that he was going to propose and didn't show them the ring.

I'm not going to lie - I was dreading it as he has a terrible history of me not liking things he buys me clothes wise.

Thankfully he has one "secret" spot that he puts all his bought gifts in and I know this is terrible to admit but I did take a peek in the bag! I didn't open the actual ring box because I wanted the first time I saw it to be when he gave it to me, but saw the receipt (and wowed at his ability to haggle a 20% discount!) and looked up the ring online.

Honestly? He couldn't have chosen better for me. I love it. He was so concerned that I didn't like it though and kept saying that we'd go back and choose another if I didn't.

Maybe he does occasionally listen to me after all! It even fit as well!

I've not told anyone IRL that I took a peek beforehand and I never will. That's a secret I'll take to the grave with me as he'd be so disappointed if he knew!

Accept he picked it. It will be special for that reason.

Ugh. Can you imagine having to wear a dress or hairstyle that wasn't to your taste every day for the rest of your life just because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings? Of course you should drop a few hints, OP.

I proposed without a ring and then we went shopping. Luckily the ring she chose was well under my price budget!

My DH designed mine using heirloom stones but I gave him some fairly strong parameters. I didn't feel bad about it as I'm the one wearing/looking at it every day and some styles of ring I really don't like at all.

I would just have a really clear conversation giving some guidelines on your taste and saying that you're happy for him to choose but you would like it to be along the lines of your taste also.

He might go into History on his phone and see that you now know anyway, so you might as well tell him.

Rather than say "Jane at the office got engaged and I really liked her ring..." why not say "Jane at the office got proposed to and she really didn't like the ring her bf chose. Wouldn't that be awful? Got me thinking...because I'm so fussy about jewellery, can I please help choose mine when the time comes? I'd hate to hurt your feelings if I didn't like what you'd picked".

Like a pp, we also went to a diamond dealer and got to choose the stone and the ring setting etc. It's worth considering and doesn't work out any more expensive. I did look round the jewellery shops first to get some ideas/photos etc to show the dealer.

XH bought the ring without me. I hated it on sight (big diamond, huge visible flaw) and every day I wore it.

Is there any chance he’s set you up? If he knows how much you like jewellery could he actually have the perfect ring picked?

I’m not keen on my engagement ring so I compensated with getting a wedding ring I really liked, I would of really hurt his feelings if I told him. I think you will just have to suck it up.

You saved me some typing @FizzyGreenWater. I can’t understand why you would be contemplating spending your life with someone, but you can’t have an upfront conversation about this. All the sneaky shit people are coming up with are quite bizarre - why not just be honest??

@gingersausage

All the sneaky shit people are coming up with are quite bizarre - why not just be honest???

Exactly this. Doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship if you can't be straight and honest with your potential spouse, before you even get married!

I’d get in first and say as the ‘proposal’ isn’t a surprise (no need for it to be in 2020) and YOU are the one who has to wear a piece of jewellery to show YOU are ‘taken’ then YOU at least want to choose it.

It’s irrelevant really that he wants to choose it. Getting married has been a joint decision (primarily for practical reasons). If he wanted the who faurlytake romance about it, he should have asked you long ago with the ring already purchased

This isn’t ‘all about him’ & what he wants