He’s going to propose but..

[WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW]

Long story short, without making a long ass post.
My DP gave me his phone to use as mine had died when we were out. I was looking for something in particular and price comparing. I lost a page so went to the history to find it and saw DP has been looking at engagement rings. I’m one of these ‘can’t help myself’ crappy people who had a sneaky look.. I’m ashamed of myself for looking but it was right there. The 2-3 rings he’s looked at aren’t to my taste at all. I’m fairly big on jewellery so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want something that I like.
However I would absolutely hate to hurt his feelings regarding his choice, it’s special because he picked it, but I really don’t like the ones he’s looked at.

We’ve discussed being married briefly and how to go about it as we have a baby together now and we’ve been talking about making myself and our daughter secure for the future. I said we could go to the registry office and just do it. But DP wants to do the whole proposal and wedding party ect. Which is fine by me, I love a good party . So I asked him if he would choose the ring solely by himself or whether he would let me choose as he knows I can be fussy and I could take the pressure off by choosing my own. He said he wants to pick it. That’s fine, can’t complain I thought that it would be really lovely that he wants to pick it out.

So I’m glad he’s genuinely thinking of doing it and isn’t beating around the bush forever as it’s something I’d like to do for me and DD and he agrees.

But now I’m slightly scared of what my reaction will be to the ring, I know it’s not the most important part and at the end of the day its a Very minor factor. But I’m a person who likes my jewellery and fashion, I know I’m fussy and I know that the rings he’s looking at I really don’t like. It’s going to be on my finger forever, I want to like it.

I sound so selfish and rotten.

If it was you, when he proposes would you just accept it as he picked it, or would you gently tell him it’s not to your taste?

@AnneLovesGilbert

He can pick his own ring.

Arf arf....

Seriously though @WhatDoIDooDIoDtahW YANBU. A woman should ALWAYS choose her own engagement ring. Always. As pp have said, why would you wanna wear something intensely ugly (to you) on your finger every day?

If a man wants a surprise proposal, use a token ring like a can pull ring, or a frikkin' hula hoop! Then choose the Engagement ring together.

I mean if a man asked me to marry him and produced something like THIS ^ (above) I would turn him down!

Can we see the ring? Can you post a pic of it?

If you've already discussed marriage then the proposal obviously isn't going to be a huge surprise thing - in which case why can't you just bring up the subject of engagement rings and just tell him the styles etc that you do like.

Oh no don’t wait for him to propose then have to break it to him that you don’t like the ring, that will taint the proposal for both of you. Go shopping and stop at all the jewellery shop windows so you can do some ‘training’. Start off by looking at the watches maybe and ask which he would pick for himself then you can start trying to guess which he would like. Then start pointing out favourite rings and see if he can guess which ones you would pick. You don’t have to make it a big deal, just a wee game while you’re window shopping. I used to do this with my now husband while we were dating and he proposed with a ring he picked himself and it is PERFECT. Also handy as I bought him a watch as a wedding present and knew what he would like 😂

I have my dh sone examples of what I liked and why/what I liked about it, we agreed a budget and he did the rest.

Could you do the same? Given you've spoken about it? Explain that you'll wear it every day for life so just thought you'd have a look....

It's all a bit silly isn't?

We expect men to be able to pick out the perfect ring and we expect women to instantly love said ring and want to wear it until she keels over. The movie fantasy.

Would you even expect a man to be able to pick out the perfect coat that you're only going to wear for a few years without your input?

It's just the beginning of all the unrealistic expectations of marriage.

Personally, you should accept what you're given, but:

1. Note down the price range of what he's been looking at, because you don't want to hint with rings he can't afford.

1. Find a jewellers that has lots of rings on display outside the shop, obviously some styles you like.

1. Go shopping together and conveniently walk past the shop, stop, look, hint, maybe even playfully suggest you go in to try it/them on.

1. You could pick out a few you don't like, ones that look like his ones, and mention you're not keen on them, but I think that would be pretty mean and I do not suggest doing it. It would also look obvious/suspicious.

Or do online hinting?

But I think accepting what he chooses would be the kindest and most right thing to do as it's chosen with love.

Can you imagine if the tradition were for the groom to choose his wife’s wedding dress with no input from her? You only wear that for one day!

Personally, you should accept what you're given

Yes, woman, know your place, especially when a man is good enough to make an honest woman of you

I think I’d run a mile from a man who was so controlling that he wouldn’t even let me choose what I was expected to wear on my finger for the rest of my life!
Fortunately DH and I were both very anti marriage and just did a no fuss, no rings, no silly dress, registrar office wedding and back to work the next day, purely for tax reasons. I’ve never worn any ring, let alone an engagement one.

Can't you drop some major hints about what you like?

Take note of the price, then show him ones you like within that budget.

If you’re going to wear it for the rest of your life it has to be something you love.

Well bearing in mind I've never married and know nowt about rings, engagements or proposals (I like anotherlittlechicken's ring for example - it's pretty! - am I tasteless?) - I do understand not wanting to wear something every day that doesn't feel like "you".

I would bring it up again and say "I'm actually a bit worried about not having a say in the ring, what if it doesn't suit me?" or something. Start the conversation. If he really isn't up for you helping to choose it, I think he needs to be prepared for you wanting to exchange it.

Surely if he knows you are fashiony and this matters to you, he can see you liking it is more important than him wanting to pick it?

Husband and I went ring shopping together 40 years ago. Son took his girlfriend to look at rings. She chose a couple she liked and left him to.make the final choice. He took her best friend along with him when he bought it which all went down well!

I've never understood how this works when it's supposed to be a surprise - how does the guy pick the right ring?

I'd love a black gold emerald if I ever got one, extremely rare unique choice! Hypothetical finance would never guess that unless I dropped a whopping great hint.

Why does it have to be all about what he wants? Tell him out straight you want to choose your own ring. Presumably he wants you to like it so why would he object. At the very least show him some styles that you like.

Can't you walk past a jewellery shop together and you can make a comment? "don't like that ring it's too chunky/ I like silver not gold" blah blah blah?
Do you know he's already bought it? Maybe he's just looking?

To be blunt -

You're planning to marry this man.

If you can't have an honest, adult conversation together about engagement rings, are you really ready to make a lifelong commitment?

It's not just aesthetics, it's how comfortable they are when you wear them. I didn't want a raised stone on any ring of mine as it catches in my hair so like a different type of ring. I would have found it very annoying having to wear a typical engagement ring even if I liked the look of it.

Tell him that it will be a lot more special if you choose it together.

Trouble is, most men think that rings come from High Street jewellers like Samuel's. Thinking of all the men I know, the only ones I'd trust to choose something I'd like are the gay ones!
Perhaps you could blind him with science - say that you love/hate platinum/aquamarines/emerald cut or whatever - he won't know what the heck you're talking about and then you can say, maybe I should come along, too.
I sympathise because I hate surprises, too! Could you suggest a window-shopping stroll through Hatton Garden/Burlington Arcade or wherever? Just for ideas?

Jewellery is so personal, especially something you will be expected to wear every day. When my dh proposed he “mimed” having a ring and then we went and chose it together. He knows how fussy I am but also he understood how important it was to get something I’d love and want to wear.
Couldn’t you just show him the style you like and say “you know if you were ever thinking of proposing....I’d love this!”

I’d ask him if he would like to know what sort of rounds you like?

It’s fine if he wants to pick it, but he would also have to accept if he asked you if you liked it you might say no.

All the sneaky shit people are coming up with are quite bizarre - why not just be honest???

I agree, but to be fair, a lot of what people have posted is suggestions about how to gently open the conversation without dumping all over his feelings. There are nice ways and less nice ways of doing things.

But to me the big importnat thing is to talk about it NOW before he proposes. Because once he proposes you are then rejecting his ring, which is more hurtful than saying now, OK, we need to talk about my taste in rings, because I have very particular likes and dislikes.

You have a baby together

Presumably you're already living together

Therefore the ring is going to come out of joint finances, surely?

For that reason alone, you should be choosing the ring together.

If it was you, when he proposes would you just accept it as he picked it, or would you gently tell him it’s not to your taste?

I would try to avoid it getting to that stage. The fact that he’s insisting on doing the choosing himself even though you’ve set out good reasons why you’d like to be involved is disappointing. Is he quite sensitive or likes to be in control?

This is a ring you’ll most likely be wearing every day, won’t be cheap whatever his likely budget and should be something you really love and goes with your other jewellery.

I would revisit the conversation you had and try to come up with a half way house. Maybe tell him that you respect that he wants to pick out a ring and surprise you but as it’s something so personal and “for life”, you’d like to give him some pointers and then let him make the final choice. Suggest that you see a few places together so you can flag the types you like or send him some links of ideas.

If he’s offended or upset by this suggestion or you’re nervous about making it, this does not bode well for your future compatibility...

DH knows I am ridiculously fussy about jewellery, so we looked together, but couldn’t find one I liked. I still don’t have one, seventeen years later.....