Is it important for your partner to find you attractive or is simply being attracted to you enough?

[ImportantStuff]

I've been seeing a man for a few months who hasn't told me I'm pretty/beautiful or anything like that. When I've made an effort because we're going out, he'll occasionally tell me I look nice and he says my hair looks nice when I've had it cut.

He has described other women as 'very pretty', 'stunning', 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous'. Not inappropriately, just matter of factly.

I've taken this to mean that he doesn't feel those terms apply to me - and that would be reasonable - I'm quite quirky looking; not unattractive but certainly not to everyone's taste and not attractive in any conventional sense.

Should it bother me?

I ask because it does bother me. I'd like to be with someone who looked at me and thought those things about me.

But I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment where one of the things I was repeatedly told was that I would never be loved because I wasnt pretty enough so I appreciate my perspective on this is a bit skewed and I dont know if I'm putting too much emphasis on what he thinks of me physically.

Does it matter if he doesn't think I'm pretty/attractive?

I don’t think he would be dating you unless he found you attractive.

He has described other women as 'very pretty', 'stunning', 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous'. Not inappropriately, just matter of factly.

In general terms - so he describe how he and his friends were pretty useless when they were younger and would go out and gaze at beautiful girls but never have the confidence to talk to them; he showed me a band the other week and one of his comments was that the singer and guitarist were "gorgeous" (they were); and he told me about an unfortunate incident with a woman who was "stunning" when he was younger.

I've realised typing this that many of his comments that reference beautiful women are always lighthearted but quite self deprecating, the subtext being that they were too good for him and he stood no chance so what on earth was he thinking.

In my head, that has translated into him feeling comfortable with me because he doesn't think I'm attractive.

For added context, I dated a man about 5 years ago who revealed that one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that he thought I'd be less likely to cheat on him because I wasn't beautiful. I dumped him.

It’s rude of him (at best) to comment to you on other women’s looks, particularly when he doesn’t compliment yours in similar terms! This would be a deal breaker for me!

Not everyone feels comfortable saying these things to people directly. My husband rarely tells me I’m stunning etc. When he does he looks very cheesy. I’m conventionally quite attractive and frequently described as beautiful by others so I doubt that he thinks I’m not an attractive person.

Lippy1234

I hadn't really thought of that.

I think it matters to you, that he both finds you beautiful and chooses to tell so, and I think that’s more than fair enough. If he comments on how other women look it’s not like he doesn’t notice or feel comfortable expressing his appreciation.

You deserve to feel appreciated and adored.

Dozer

It's hard to explain. It's not done disrespectfully. He makes similar comments about good looking men. It's just an observation of a person's aesthetics. He doesn't gawp at women when we're out but he'd undoubtedly notice if they were 'beautiful' or not.

It's not done to make me feel insecure - at least it doesn't have that feel to it. It's more that because he never says it about me, I've taken it to mean that he doesn't think it of me and I dont know if that's a problem.

There is no “appropriate” way for him to make those kind of comments. Rude and objectifying of women, at best, “putting you in your place” and deliberately unsettling you at worst.

I think your analysis is right, sadly, and you would have grounds to dump this one too!

If he comments on how other women look it’s not like he doesn’t notice or feel comfortable expressing his appreciation.

That's what I thought.

Do you tell him he is attractive?

Hmm it sounds like he's not deliberately trying to 'neg' you, but almost like he assumes you're on the same self-deprecating page "us mere mortals" kinda thing.

I'm sure he means no harm and finds you very attractive but if it's making you feel insecure and undesirable then maybe it's not the relationship for you.

Talk to him and see what he says?

The thing is, do you think you’re beautiful? Stunning? Gorgeous?

When I’ve been in relationships, if I had to describe the person then I maybe wouldn’t use those words, but it wouldn’t be because I want attracted to them. The people I’ve been most attracted to in life have been some of the least aesthetically ideal. Attraction is about enjoying the whole of the person, not just the picture of them.

Don’t look to others to bolster your own self esteem, it really does have to come from yourself. It takes a long time to come to peace with ‘This is me’ and embracing it or tweaking it.

Id say he’s projecting his insecurities into you - and mirroring your childhood wounds.

We always date someone that mirrors us and therefore our wounds.

You can either choose to work through these with him and both look at why neither of you feel beautiful / attractive / worthy or you can finish it with him, maybe do some work on self esteem and loving yourself and see if the next person mirrors a nicer energetic reflection back to you :)

Camopetals

Yes the 'us more mortals' thing makes sense. I think he's very attractive, and have told him so, but he does have a couple of physical qualities that he's very self conscious about and i know that these are things that have been issues for other women. Doesn't bother me in the slightest and I find both qualities attractive so... but it makes me feel like he's aware of my 'flaws' and doesn't think I'm attractive as a result.

I have done Lippy but, if I'm honest, it feels a bit awkward because he doesn't accept the compliment well and just replies with a smile and "thank you" but it's never been reciprocated.

Some people are a bit odd about compliments and find them really uncomfortable. My boyfriend goes bright red and gets embarrassed when I compliment him, even if I say a t-shirt looks nice etc. He generally doesn’t compliment me, that’s fine, he doesn’t need to as I know that for some bonkers reason he likes me for me.

So how about in bed? Does he never say anything complimentary then?

The thing is, do you think you’re beautiful? Stunning? Gorgeous?

No. I know I'm none of those things! I'm under no illusions. But I know that there have been, and still are, men who think I'm 'beautiful'. I'm just not interested in any of them.

Attraction is about enjoying the whole of the person, not just the picture of them.

Yes, i know. That's why I was wondering if it matters really.

You can either choose to work through these with him and both look at why neither of you feel beautiful / attractive / worthy or you can finish it with him

I think I'd like to talk to him about it first and see if can be worked through. I think if he just told me outright that he didnt think i was attractive, I'd dump him! But I'm not in the same league as these beautiful women and wouldn't expect anyone to pretend I was.

I think a lot of my feelings about it are influenced by the beautiful/loveable link that was created when I was younger. As much as I know that love is about more than a pretty face, I have a very loud little voice shouting at me that if I'm not beautiful, I'll never be loved and if someone doesn't think I'm beautiful, they'll never love me.

So how about in bed? Does he never say anything complimentary then

Not physically complimentary, no.

just replies with a smile and thank you but it's never reciprocated

What an ego boost you are to him. He sounds horrible, sorry.

*Should it bother me?

I ask because it does bother me.*

That’s your answer. You want to be with someone who finds you gorgeous and can vocalise that to you. It’s not this man.

You deserve to be told you are beautiful, special, unique, sexy, stunning. You are, just not to him.

I must admit I’d find this difficult, it’s nice to be told we are pretty or that our partner loves our bums or hair or whatever.

It is making me feel insecure though because I just feel like he's looking at me with negative thoughts rather than positive ones.

And, nature abhors a vacuum so, in the absence of his own voice, I'm projecting my mum's voice onto him.

I must admit I’d find this difficult, it’s nice to be told we are pretty or that our partner loves our bums or hair or whatever.

Yeah, I guess he just doesn't think like that about me

He's been single for a a while - I feel like he's already 'settling' for me and I don't want to be settled for.

What an ego boost you are to him. He sounds horrible, sorry.

That's the thing, he's not. I think he just feels awkward and knows that "thank you" is the right response.

He's clearly not ashamed of me. When we go out, he's happy to be seen with me - hold my hand, kisses me etc. He often places a hand on me so people can see we are together.

When I first got together with my ex husband he was embarrassed to be seen with me and would never have done that. He used to walk 6ft ahead of me. Unfortunately I was in the middle of my emotionally abusive upbringing at the time and didnt realise this was abusive also. I just accepted it, even though it upset me at the time.

You deserve to be told you are beautiful, special, unique, sexy, stunning. You are, just not to him.