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Original poster

Is it important for your partner to find you attractive or is simply being attracted to you enough?

79 replies

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 09:44

I've been seeing a man for a few months who hasn't told me I'm pretty/beautiful or anything like that. When I've made an effort because we're going out, he'll occasionally tell me I look nice and he says my hair looks nice when I've had it cut.

He has described other women as 'very pretty', 'stunning', 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous'. Not inappropriately, just matter of factly.

I've taken this to mean that he doesn't feel those terms apply to me - and that would be reasonable - I'm quite quirky looking; not unattractive but certainly not to everyone's taste and not attractive in any conventional sense.

Should it bother me?

I ask because it does bother me. I'd like to be with someone who looked at me and thought those things about me.

But I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment where one of the things I was repeatedly told was that I would never be loved because I wasnt pretty enough so I appreciate my perspective on this is a bit skewed and I dont know if I'm putting too much emphasis on what he thinks of me physically.

Does it matter if he doesn't think I'm pretty/attractive?

OP posts:
Original poster
ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 10:32

It's just a bit sad really because he's just what I'm looking for in many respects and I've been single for a while because I rarely meet anyone I find attractive.

He is the first man who has the qualities etc I've been looking for I've met in over 10 years. Just typical that the relationship between us isn't what I need.

OP posts:
Tempt8tion · 19/02/2020 10:33

OP, whilst I don’t disagree with the statement youve just put in bold, and I totally see why this would make you sad (I’m in the same boat, and I am sad about it). I do wonder whether it’s just not in some people’s nature to throw complements around.

If we think about other people we know, eg female friends who always notice haircut or a new top and say nice things. And then there are people who aren’t.

I think it comes down to whether you feel desired/appreciated overall.

I am grappling with similar issues myself so you have my sympathy. Flowers

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/02/2020 10:35

My DH isn't what you'd call physically attractive (although he does have some features that are physically attractive to me). However I find him sexy because we have great chemistry together. He's self aware that he's no oil painting therefore he'd know I wasn't sincere if I told him he was good looking. I do however compliment his broad shoulders, lovely blue eyes, tell him he looks or smells nice etc. Does your DP not complement you on anything physical at all apart from your clothes and hair cut?

Lippy1234 · 19/02/2020 10:35

Why don’t you ask him what he finds attractive about you?

CorianderLord · 19/02/2020 10:37

I'd just ask him why he never says those things to me.

Justwondered12 · 19/02/2020 10:38

This would bother me if I’m honest. The calling the other women beautiful etc . I would ask him what he thinks of you .

brinelled · 19/02/2020 10:39

You should look into the five love languages. I'm guessing that you'd score heavily on 'words of affirmation' whereas it sounds like he tends towards 'physical touch'.

Might be a good eye opener to see what's going on in both your heads!

Menora · 19/02/2020 10:41

I am not a very vain person - I don’t have a lot of social media selfies, I don’t feel like I need any validation from anyone

But it wasn’t until I met the guy I am seeing now that I realised I have very rarely ever been given a nice compliment by a man that wasn’t sexual and I didn’t realise I had been affected by it

He tells me I am pretty and beautiful he also says nice things about me as a person. When I told him he was the first person to tell me he was so shocked. I also found it really hard to believe him at first I would say ‘nah I look like trash right now’ or something

It isn’t vain or selfish to want this from your partner but I also wouldn’t like to have to ask for it either

Lostintransfixation · 19/02/2020 10:42

Oh boy reading these comments I'm stuffed! 😀 My Dh never says anything about my outward appearance. Ever. I am very secure about myself and I am very rarely bothered by his lack of verbal attention. It would be nice, and I would prefer to be told I have a nice whatever. But he's not that person. He also doesn't expect compliments back. I'm not sure about your DP making comments about other women. I would probably tease him "Oh so she was stunning was she?!" 😉 to make the point. I would tell him how you are feeling. You sound like you would handle that cinversation well ie without criticising or accusing him. Some of of you are feeling may be about how you feel about yourself. You probably wont know until you talk to him. Good luck.

Qwerty543 · 19/02/2020 10:47

What advice did you get on your last thread about this?

Original poster
ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 10:52

Does your DP not complement you on anything physical at all apart from your clothes and hair cut?

He has told me I smell nice on occasion; he likes the fact I'm tactile and affectionate; I give good foot massages; he's complimented me on my cooking (he usually cooks) and, when I made something he didn't like, he still ate it all but just said later that he'd not want it again. But no, never complimented me physically.

So, he's also never criticised me. He's not made a single negative comment about me about anything physically and that's a first for me.

He's quite reserved generally in some respects. I have no idea what he has said to other people about me - if anything.

As for feeling desired/appreciated overall, yes, but I have to think about it. It's not in ways that are always immediately obvious to me.

Why don’t you ask him what he finds attractive about you?

I'm tempted. I'm also a bit scared of the answer Sad

OP posts:
ChainsawBear · 19/02/2020 10:55

...talk to him?

I don't think he's horrible - he might be but this thread certainly doesn't prove it. Your childhood wounds are in play here and he doesn't know about them (and he couldn't heal them for you even if he did).

Ask him if he finds you physically attractive. Tell him based on what he's said you feel like he doesn't.

SummerWhisper · 19/02/2020 10:59

Asking him outright is the only way for you to solve this anxious question.

If he said no, he doesn't find you attractive / beautiful / pretty, what do you plan to do? Is this your deal breaker?

Original poster
ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 11:08

If he said no, he doesn't find you attractive / beautiful / pretty, what do you plan to do? Is this your deal breaker?

Yes. Because I'd never stop worrying about it otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 11:13

Will talk to him about it.

I just wondered how it important it would be to other people to see if it was a reasonable thing to address. Thanks.

OP posts:
SummerWhisper · 19/02/2020 11:20

Of course it's reasonable. Very best of luck. Flowers

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 19/02/2020 11:20

Surely the only relevant thing is that it's important to you. Your feelings matter, & you have solid reasons for feeling this way.

Can you express to him what you've expressed on this thread? Good luck.

SimonJT · 19/02/2020 11:22

Anything you’re worried about is a reasonable thing to talk about.

ArtemisOfOrtygia · 19/02/2020 11:38

I don’t think he would be dating you unless he found you attractive.
I don't think that's necessarily true. I have brothers only and mostly guy friends, you'd be surprised to know how common it is for men to settle for what they can get. Not saying that's the case with OP and her partner, but it's for sure common for men (and people in general) to settle for "reasonable" or even "not hideous".

OP,
I would be bothered, too. What's the point in being with someone if they don't make you feel like you're the most beautiful person in the world in their eyes? You are in fact feeling bad about yourself in this relationship, and that's not right.

MissEliza · 19/02/2020 11:39

I'd object to my partner making comments like that about other women, especially in the early days of a relationship.

Nowayorhighway · 19/02/2020 11:49

Is there any need for him to constantly comment on other women’s looks? I don’t see why this is necessary, does he also refer to men as handsome or attractive or is this exclusively aimed at women? I’d find that rather sleazy tbh.

Eesha · 19/02/2020 12:17

Op I'd be annoyed if my partner was making comments about others too. Attraction is a strange thing though. My current partner is not what you'd think attractive in many ways but he gets so many women due to him being a nice guy and also skills in other areas!

GardenOctupos · 19/02/2020 12:59

It’s a complex issue. No right or wrong exactly (except perhaps going on about other women). I’m not sure every woman has to be told she’s “beautiful”. What does that even mean, the word has many meanings. It’s not the measure of a woman or a relationship in the real world.

I think the main thing is OP is feeling uncomfortable or unappreciated. Perhaps she could try to understand more deeply if it’s her issue, or his, a combination or something else.

PicsInRed · 19/02/2020 13:18

and he told me about an unfortunate incident with a woman who was "stunning" when he was younger.

What sort of "unfortunate incident?"

I think it's really strange if he's comfortable saying that other women are attractive but doesn't say it to you. Feels a bit like deliberately withholding affection.

Menora · 19/02/2020 13:35

I read this a little bit like he has low self esteem and sees some women as above him on a pedestal and unnattainable. I think this is a very unhealthy attitude some men have that attractive women may be out of their league and they would be ‘punching above their weight’ because I can see how another woman hearing this would think they were less attractive. Ok so it’s a fact I don’t look like Angelina Jolie, I don’t need someone to make it bloody obvious for me
It’s like a toxic masculinity thing IMO.