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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it important for your partner to find you attractive or is simply being attracted to you enough?

79 replies

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 09:44

I've been seeing a man for a few months who hasn't told me I'm pretty/beautiful or anything like that. When I've made an effort because we're going out, he'll occasionally tell me I look nice and he says my hair looks nice when I've had it cut.

He has described other women as 'very pretty', 'stunning', 'beautiful' and 'gorgeous'. Not inappropriately, just matter of factly.

I've taken this to mean that he doesn't feel those terms apply to me - and that would be reasonable - I'm quite quirky looking; not unattractive but certainly not to everyone's taste and not attractive in any conventional sense.

Should it bother me?

I ask because it does bother me. I'd like to be with someone who looked at me and thought those things about me.

But I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment where one of the things I was repeatedly told was that I would never be loved because I wasnt pretty enough so I appreciate my perspective on this is a bit skewed and I dont know if I'm putting too much emphasis on what he thinks of me physically.

Does it matter if he doesn't think I'm pretty/attractive?

OP posts:

Dozer · 19/02/2020 13:50

Yes, it doesn’t reflect well on him that he is making his insecurities so obvious!

Nogoodwithgoodbyes · 19/02/2020 14:04

I get the scenario and that he’s not an a-hole etc. but why on earth would you want to hear about other gorgeous or beautiful women? My ex did this early on and I just joked about gorgeous men I knew and he literally stopped there and then! He did not like it when I spoke of men like that. He used to tell me I was gorgeous though. I do think he’s being a little insensitive/presumptuous and in my experience with men, things need to be addressed or they don’t change.

Knewyou · 19/02/2020 14:44

The biggest problem for me would be referring to all these beautiful, gorgeous, stunning women so much. Why is he doing that?

Original poster

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 15:10

Is there any need for him to constantly comment on other women’s looks? I don’t see why this is necessary, does he also refer to men as handsome or attractive or is this exclusively aimed at women?

It's not constant, it's been about 5 times since I've been with him.and, yes, he comments equally positively on men too.

The 'unfortunate incident' was just a time he was attracted to a woman and she rejected him for one of the things he is self conscious about. Nothing serious.

I'm going to speak to him when I next see him and take it from there.

OP posts:

Menora · 19/02/2020 15:12

OP he probably doesn’t realise he does this and he’s insecure
He sees some women as out of his league and that you are in his league. It’s probably healthier for one party not to feel they are inferior to their partner, all the same I think this is all about how he feels about himself. He’s just forgetting how you might feel..

Original poster

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 15:30

He sees some women as out of his league and that you are in his league. It’s probably healthier for one party not to feel they are inferior to their partner, all the same I think this is all about how he feels about himself

Probably. I think we probably are in the 'same league' - I just don't want to be reminded that I'm second division and not premiership (forgive my clumsy football metaphor - I know nothing about football!) because that's one of my insecurities.

He does have some insecurities. And I think it is likely that it's a reflection of how he feels about himself and he just hasn't considered how it will make me feel.

I think it's probably a combination of both of our issues. I think the only solution is to speak with him about it.

OP posts:

Menora · 19/02/2020 15:35

Yeah I agree - being super hot with an insecure partner can often lead to jealously and more insecurity so he clearly feels more secure with you, but totally get you on the league 2 division! I have felt like this before and it was horrible

Lllot5 · 19/02/2020 15:39

I think talk is cheap.
I was seeing someone once told me I was beautiful, gorgeous etc. Completely turned my head. Turns out I wasn’t the only one he was
saying it to.
I think love is a verb it’s all about action. Does he treat you well? Is he respectful?

Original poster

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 16:07

He treats me very well and is hugely respectful. I've never experienced anything like it.

Other than this one thing, he's utterly lovely. He's the first man I've seen potential with in many years.

Tbh, if he was telling me I was beautiful and gorgeous, I wouldn't believe him anyway and it would sound very insincere. I just like to hear him say something! I did appreciate being told once that I was an attractive woman and a bit quirky looking. But that was my son!

OP posts:

nacher · 19/02/2020 16:45

I had to check the date, I've read this exact thread before.

Did you not get any helpful answers before OP?

Qwerty543 · 19/02/2020 16:51

nacher I did the same. But OP has completely ignored me asking above what advice she got last time.

WellThisIsShit · 19/02/2020 17:34

It’s a difficult problem to have, though hardly unique I’d think?

This would gnaw at my confidence & I think you need to broach the subject or decide he is not the man for you... or at least, this relationship is not the one for you.

Minta85 · 19/02/2020 17:40

The point is not only that he doesn’t say you’re beautiful etc, it’s that he does say it about other women and in your presence! People can think whatever thoughts they like, but it’s hurtful to actually verbalise these thoughts, especially to someone you’ve only been with a few months and should therefore be in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of the relationship.

supercali77 · 19/02/2020 17:40

I dated someone like that. He went on to subtly undermine me in other ways too

MsDogLady · 19/02/2020 19:03

I’d like to be with someone who looked at me and thought those things about me.

But you were. Last year you had a long thread about your relationship with a wonderful man who adored you. He did call you beautiful and he did compliment your body. However, you were very uncomfortable with his compliments and were thinking of breaking up with him. Posters believed you were self-sabotaging.

It sounds like you do want compliments but only certain ones are acceptable. It’s unfair to judge others’ ideas of beauty and attractiveness.

JustForTheTasteOfIt · 19/02/2020 19:22

I think it's a first time poster at least on this username?

Original poster

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 19:29

Sorry. Not me. I've not posted about this before and I certainly didn't have a relationship with a man last year who adored me!

OP posts:

mamato3lads · 19/02/2020 19:40

My heart really breaks for you. How fucking dare anyone make you feel like this?? You sound so accepting, like you'd expect nothing else, that you're not so special, 2nd division etc. What bollocks. Dont think of yourself like that! I tell you right now there are so many men who would.think of you as perfect, gorgeous, exactly their cup of tea. Your partner is obviously not demonstrative with his words. Teach him. Tell him how sexy you find him...ask him how he feels. Put him on the spot goddamnit....hes clearly got the vocab for it.

If his actions make you feel wanted, trust that. You need verbal affirmation but he may not realise this. Just tell him how you feel. Awkward, yep, but so necessary

If he is open to talk about it and allay yp8r fears, all good. If not and you get the suspicion he is "settling" , then move on sweetheart and find the man who's out there waiting for you.

Wishing you luck and love

Please come back and let us know how it goes?

Your other half needs a good talking to. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship so a shame to chuck it all away.

Original poster

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 20:39

I'm just realistic! I'm not beautiful orngorgeousband I'm always slightly suspicious of men who say I am. I know what I look like

Bu I do would like someone to think I'm gorgeous to them. After all it's supposed to be about more than looks isn't it?

OP posts:

RuffleCrow · 19/02/2020 20:44

surely it's the same thing? I can't imagine being attracted to someone i find unattractive.

Original poster

ImportantStuff · 19/02/2020 21:06

Well I've been attracted to people i didn't think were physically attractive. In the same way that I've not been attracted to people I did think were attractive.

I think I've had experiences in the past with men who told me I was unattractive or not attractive enough that have come back to haunt me.

Plus I dont think I'm his usual type - physically. He goes for slim, glamorous women with long hair and well applied make up. I'm curvy, not at all glamorous (I fall over if I try to wear heels...), I've got a bob with an undercut and save make up for special occasions generally.

So I'm just very conscious of it I suppose.

OP posts:

mamato3lads · 19/02/2020 21:26

Realistic to YOU. That's YOUR perception of yourself. It isn't necessarily what everyone else sees.

Bottom line is, you are gorgeous to the man who loves you. Not traditional beauty whatever the hell that is, not well applied makeup or the length of your hair

My husband of 18 years tells me every day that I drive him nuts. That I'm beautiful and sexy and he cant believe I'm his. Trust me when I say I am a very normal looking 42 year old mother of (his) 3 children. But to him I am something amazing it seems....and he tells me so. I have huge insecurities so this helps me immensely. Have a heart to heart , tell him what you need but do not come across as needy, or willing to accept, or grateful. He should want to soothe you, if he loves you and cares for your feelings. It's not a rarity....women like to be told they look lovely, sexy whatever...tell him that whenever he thinks a complimentary thing about you to bloody well TELL you

RuffleCrow · 19/02/2020 21:44

I agree i don't fancy everyone i think is attractive. But for me to fancy them i would have to find something about them attractive. It's in the eye of the beholder. Unless you think he might have an ulterior motive for being with you? Money/teenage girls in the house/ someone to "neg" for example? Otherwise i wouldn't worry.

supercali77 · 19/02/2020 21:44

What man doesnt go for slim glamorous women etc. I go for rugged charm, high cheekbones and eyes so blue you turn to ice. I dont sit with partners/dates commenting on how hot those kinds of men are. Just think about that. And why the f anyone would think it was regular behaviour

ArthurDentsSpaceTowel · 19/02/2020 21:55

Oh dear, this sounds exactly like my ex from uni. We were very young at the time and naive about physical type being a 'thing'. He hadn't processed that a small brunette with B-cups, a pixie crop and glasses wasn't quite going to light his fire; I thought such things were unimportant and the wonderful conversations we were having would convince him that I was in fact The One. Turns out that he was in fact more turned on by long hair and big breasts. We split up because he 'wanted to play the field' but I've never forgotten the niggling, confidence-sapping feeling of second best. I'm now married to a man who loves my short hair and likes me best in my gym gear even though I'm not quite so slim anymore

I think you know this one probably isn't the one. Nice guy, treats you pretty well, but the chemistry isn't quite there (and as this is an unconscious, instinctive thing on his part, you won't get much resolution from anything as self-conscious as a conversation). Don't try and mould yourself into his idea of attractive. Just remind yourself that this is not your fault; you're just not that sexually compatible.

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