DH's addict, abusive (but clean) Brother moving in....

[LoveFood]

Have name changed because this is outing to anyone who knows me in real life.

Dh's brother is an addict. After 8 years of not using, he started again a few years ago, escalating over time, and with him mostly denying it, accusing family members and others of all kinds of crazy things etc etc. Eventually, when every last person stopped helping him and giving him money he went into rehab. He's been out for about 6 months. He's working, but resents it as he doesn't like his boss and it's not the kind of highly professional job he had before (he can never do that again as he's lost his license). However it is a decently paid, office job with a fair amount of responsibility. He got it through a friend.

He's now considering moving to where we live and wants to stay with us and other family members. he claims he'll take any job that comes up eg packing shelves etc.

My issue is that not only do I not believe him, and believe he's a user who will bleed us all dry, there are two specific things I can't get past and I don't know if I'm being unsympathetic to a man who has a disease:

1. When he was using and in denial, his son was living with him. Obviously his son knew what was going on and was trying to talk to people. Brother did his best to convince (often successfully) the family that son was crazy, delusional etc. He also physically attacked/abused him - we know this because he admitted it as he was so delusional himself at the time that he justified it as being "the only way to prevent DS from doing something stupid - if I choke him until he passes out he won't get out onto the streets."

1. Since he's come out of rehab, he's never acknowledged how bad his behaviour was to anyone or made any real effort to form new relationships. He's told his son that he "needs to get over it" and acts towards Dh, his parents and siblings as if everything is fine and normal. He's faintly mocking if anyone makes any sort of allusion to it - in a sort of , " oh come on, it's all over now" kind of way. this goes for the emotional trauma he put everyone through but also the financial and practical. He's never, as far as I'm aware, apologised for the way he basically financially destroyed their parents or made any effort to make repatriations.

So my question is, how do I handle this? Should I (we?) be cutting him some slack as a man trying to sort his life out. Or am I justified in being very concerned about letting him move here, potentially living with us and/or SIL?

Do not let him move in with you. This could turn into an absolute nightmare for you.
He has shown you what he is like - believe him.

He can do what he wants with his life but he wouldn’t be living with me.

DH is extremely conflicted. And realistically, he's more likely to live with SIL as she has more space but....

The problem is in his family, it's accepted that family members can just turn up and live with people whenever and wherever. It's a thing. there's also weird denial about BIL eg the family are always complaining because nephew refuses to contact his dad and they keep telling him its important to have a relationship with his dad. I'm the only one who seems to think he has no obligation to have anything to do with the man.

No way in hell would he be moving in with me and I'd also be supporting his son in saying no when he starts bring guilted into saying yes

I have been in a similar situation and there's no way I wanted them living with me. Do you have children?

Why does he have to move in with anyone? You say he has a decently paid job; he should be self supporting? Don’t let him move in with you, it’s madness.

Nooooo. No.

No way would he move into my home ...don't care if dh family way doesn't mean has to be yours. I would make sure nephew knows he has your support as well...

Oh, I’ve just seen your second post - deciding to move in with whoever you please is a thing in his family?? It’s your home also, put your foot down and knock that bizarre nonsense on the head!

There is no way I'd have an addict who was barely clean living with me.

DH can be supportive whilst making it clear that the support doesn't extend to a place to stay.

He'd never leave. He won't get a job and will just bleed you all, and ruin your marriage.

Make it very clear he will not be staying with you . Ever. Not for one night. I would not have that man in my home. You don't need his issues in your life

Nope. It’s equally your home and you get to say no.

I wouldn't have him. Six months is nothing. He needs to be clean for a lot longer I feel.

Could it be that he's finding the responsibility difficult (not your problem though) and just wants this move so he can rely on someone else to keep him?

Don't do it to yourself is my honest opinion. It doesn't sound as though he's over his addiction yet.

I think you're really kind to offer to do this but... From what you've written, it sounds as if he's not exactly embracing his recovery. Resentful about his job, mocking other people he caused hurt to for eg.

I'm an ex addict myself, and I felt very positive about my recovery once I'd decided to get clean. Before that, I'd been told to get clean by many people, (including the courts) and did the bare minimum to appear as if I was complying with their wishes. I resented every minute of it and would not have made a good house guest at that time, and I doubt your BIL will be. There are other ways to support him in his recovery, and allowing him to stay with you now won't be helpful to him in the long run. Everybody needs to find their own way.

His propensity towards violence is a perfectly good reason alone not to have him in your home.

I've been in a similar situation (addict sibling) and not in a million years. I wouldn't even ask this of my H if my sibling came back on the scene

Absolutely not, don't do it OP.
It sounds like your dh and his family might put a lot of pressure on you to let him though. Be strong.

Absolutely do not let him stay in your house for one night.

He hardly sounds in any way contrite for his actions. There's one thing saying his addiction/delusions caused this but completely awful that he hasn't apologised at all.

I feel terribly for your unsupported nephew. Please be his voice.

Should you agree to have him I can almost guarantee this will end your marriage.

So no no no.

There is NO way he should move in with you. I'd actually end my marriage if my h tried to force me to share my home with a person like this.

What is he expecting to get out of living with you?

He already dislikes his job because it isn't high-status enough, but wants to move in so that he can take a LOWER status, lower paying job? Does that sound even slightly like "I'll definately get and keep this job, pay my share of any bills fully and on time, pull my weight with housework, and be respectful of your family and space?"

Like PP, absolutely no way would I allow him to say in my home. It may be a thing in your DH's family that "family members can just turn up and live with people whenever and wherever" but fortunately you now have your own family unit and you get a say in who is or isn't allowed to live in your home. Don't do it. If it all goes Pete Tong you'll never get rid of him. Do you have or are you planning children? No way would I have this man around children. The fact he is not owning an acknowledging his previous behaviour is also a red flag.

Eventually, when every last person stopped helping him and giving him money he went into rehab

Remember this he needs to be forced to take responsibility.

Don’t do it. My best friend did this it was a fucking nightmare from the second he turned up! Years later the rift’s caused are immense. Say no now.

In fact I’d go so far as to say if anyone else in the family holds a spare key to your property for their unscheduled drop ins - change Barrel or add a supplementary lock now.

DH is extremely conflicted

Normally I'd say it's better to each these decisions together, but if DH and the extended family aren't going to put their foot down it might be necessary for you to do it yourself

What they usually do about staying with each other or excusing abuse doesn't matter - what counts is your own home situation and you'd have to be mad to have him with you

Do not let him anywhere near your house.