Body shaming

[littlebirdieblue]

I'd been seeing a really lovely man, I'm mid 40's, he's early 50's for 7 weeks, we were exclusive and he asked me to be his girlfriend quite early on, we've slept together, it took me a while as I have body issues, in that I have a mummy tummy from having twins that I feel very embarrassed about. After the first time he told me my tummy wasn't an issue and that he loved everything about my body, so I've started to relax about the way I look and I thought things were going really well. We have lots of common interests and enjoy being together.

Yesterday he was meant to come to mine for the weekend, as my children were at their dads, and we'd also arranged to go to my sisters so he could meet her. And then go out for dinner just the two of us. So he arrives we have sex, this time I relaxed and totally let myself go. I thought the sex was good and he seemed to enjoy it too. I then made us lunch and then we went to my sisters, everything seemed fine and he seemed relaxed and happy. We get back to
mine, we watched a bit of telly, he intimated cuddling in the sofa, so I was relaxed and feeling really happy. Then I say we'd better start getting ready soon, he responded with 'I need to tell you something' then proceeds to tell me how great I am but he can't get past my mummy tummy.

Omg I felt like he'd punched me in the gut. I asked him when he felt like this and he said when we had sex earlier, I couldn't stop myself from crying, not sobbing or anything, but the tears just came, I feel so humiliated that he was thinking how bad I looked while I was so unaware as he'd made me feel like my tummy didn't matter previously.
He wanted to sit down and talk about it, but I just needed him to go, I kept saying I don't know how you expect me to respond, this is me, this is how my body is and it's not going to change, and he was saying we should just talk about it. But what is there to say, how can I ever be intimate with him knowing he can't get past how my tummy looks. So again I said it was best for him to go as the relationship is done. There were no shouting or sobbing it was just tense and awkward.
I did say to him I wish he'd told me before meeting my sister as now I feel so embarrassed I'm going to have to tell her I'm not seeing him anymore after her only just meeting him. I also said I don't understand why he was initiating cuddles if he felt like he does, as it made me feel fool, cuddling thinking how well everything was going, so pathetic. He said he just thought it was best to be honest, and while I agree honesty is the best policy, in this case I think he could have been kinder and said he just wasn't feeling it anymore, not make me feel so bad about myself. Was he right though? Maybe I have overreacted but it's left me feeling like I can't show anyone ever my awful tummy and I don't know how I can pick myself up 😢

Don't worry I would never go back to him, he made me feel so ashamed of the way I look I could never move past it. I can't lie though and say I'm fine as it's really knocked my confidence and I wonder how I'll be able to pull off not being body conscious with another man. I guess time will tell. This thread is fab though, so many ladies who experienced similar but now in very happy loving relationships is good to read 😊

It must be very tempting to message him with all his faults that you were being so noble about ignoring ... I wouldn't be able to resist. What a total prick - you are well shot, lovely lady

I couldn't even I wanted to as I deleted his number and all our past communications, and removed him from social media. I really don't want to though anyway as I really wasn't bothered by his tummy or braces, I liked him a lot. Hey ho 😊

He's 50+, he knew exactly the impact that his words could have on you when he said them. No one would get to that age and be that thick.
The only explanation is that he's a dickhead, and more than likely this is how he always treats women, really nice at first, then picks something he knows they're insecure about and makes them feel shit about it.
You've had a lucky escape. His behaviour and what he said is only a reflection on him. It has NOTHING to do with you (or your tummy). Guaranteed he would have picked something else to say if he didn't say it about your tummy!

What an asshole trick.

Nothing wrong with a mummy tummy, I'm guessing he had a 6 pack right.

I think the best way to avoid this knocking your confidence is to fully absorb and understand why he said what he said. It's highly unlikely he genuinely 'couldn't get past it', didn't bother him enough to not have sex with you did it?

So that leaves the fact that he knew you were insecure about it and so chose it as his weapon to break down your confidence, most likely to prepare you to accept a whole shedload of abuse and crappy treatment later down the line. Or he's just a cruel fucker who gets a kick out of hurting people, either way it was about him, not you or any random part of your body.

If you take anything away from this it should be that other people have far worse faults than a wobbly belly and weeding out arseholes takes way too much energy to have any left over for worrying about your own wobbly bits. I loved Shoxfordian's post on page 1 and it bears repeating He's a knob and you don't need his validation of your looks. Work on your confidence op and next time don't tell a man you're insecure about your stomach. Walk around naked like a goddess and expect adoration Especially that last sentence, if they can't love all of you they're not worthy of any of you, remember that

Please try not to let this knock your confidence! I completely agree with the others he was trying to make you feel insecure and lucky that he wanted you, so many women have a tummy don't let any one know your insecurities like that again, focus on the parts of your body you do like and build your confidence. I'm actually so annoyed he said that to any woman, forget him someone amazing is out there for you

The only explanation is that he's a dickhead, and more than likely this is how he always treats women, really nice at first, then picks something he knows they're insecure about and makes them feel shit about it.

I think an equally likely explanation, though much less dramatic and diabolical and narrative driven, is that he tried to convince himself that he could get past it, and finally realized he couldn't. Telling her initially that he was OK with it, and having sex with her was as much about trying to convince himself as it was trying to reassure her.

He likely struggled with this from the get go, but as the OP said, things looked to be really good from the jump, and he likely felt they clicked just as much as she did. He was likely aware that if he expressed any hesitation or aversion to her mummy tummy early on that the great things they were developing would come crashing down, and he tried to work through it, but in the end couldn't.

I think his last text pretty well points to this.

@samyeagar I think you could be right, I don't really know what to think anymore. I hope it's like you say and that he wasn't doing it to set me up for crappy treatment. He seemed so lovely before this and maybe he didn't mean to be so hurtful. If it was genuinely that he couldn't move past it, I wish he'd just said he didn't think it was working instead of what he did say. He's a very intelligent man and for him to not know him saying it would hurt me so much is hard to believe. Hopefully he's learnt something about how to be more respectful of peoples feelings after my reaction. But it's done, and I need to move past it myself now 😊

@littlebirdieblue

I have personal experience with something similar and my wife of 8 years. We met online, had been talking through text and phone for a few weeks, exchanged pictures and stuff, and had formed a definite bond. We were really into each other.

Our first date, first physical contact, we hugged, and she blurted out a pretty body shaming comment that still, 8 years later I can sometimes hear as if she was just saying it right now.

That comment did cause some issues that took a while for me to move past, and we have a great relationship, I wouldn't trade her for the world, but I doubt I will ever forget.

It boiled down to the fact that I am physically different than any other man she has been with, coupled with the fact that she tends to be unfiltered, and well, there you go.

He's a very intelligent man and for him to not know him saying it would hurt me so much is hard to believe.

It is isn't it? It's also much easier to find fault in ourselves than other people, and to turn that in on ourselves and assume it's you who is physically at fault rather than him having fooled you into thinking he was a nice person when he wasn't. Funny that an intelligent person managed to miss your obvious insecurity about your stomach and make such a crashingly insensitive comment, unless it was deliberate of course

Littlebirdieblue this post makes me
What an utter idiot. As previous posters have said you have dodged a bullet...why would anyone need to be so “honest”, especially when you had already mentioned this insecurity. Some men seem to be delusional about how they look. As a woman who has loose skin (that can only be removed with Risky and very painful surgery -no thanks!) I really get the hang up, I have the same one. But there are lots of lovely guys out there that will be happy to see past any Perceived physical imperfections
You weren’t overacting though, I would have felt the same and I think you were very dignified actually!

He sounds like a prick. I'd have gotten shot myself.