Body shaming

[littlebirdieblue]

I'd been seeing a really lovely man, I'm mid 40's, he's early 50's for 7 weeks, we were exclusive and he asked me to be his girlfriend quite early on, we've slept together, it took me a while as I have body issues, in that I have a mummy tummy from having twins that I feel very embarrassed about. After the first time he told me my tummy wasn't an issue and that he loved everything about my body, so I've started to relax about the way I look and I thought things were going really well. We have lots of common interests and enjoy being together.

Yesterday he was meant to come to mine for the weekend, as my children were at their dads, and we'd also arranged to go to my sisters so he could meet her. And then go out for dinner just the two of us. So he arrives we have sex, this time I relaxed and totally let myself go. I thought the sex was good and he seemed to enjoy it too. I then made us lunch and then we went to my sisters, everything seemed fine and he seemed relaxed and happy. We get back to
mine, we watched a bit of telly, he intimated cuddling in the sofa, so I was relaxed and feeling really happy. Then I say we'd better start getting ready soon, he responded with 'I need to tell you something' then proceeds to tell me how great I am but he can't get past my mummy tummy.

Omg I felt like he'd punched me in the gut. I asked him when he felt like this and he said when we had sex earlier, I couldn't stop myself from crying, not sobbing or anything, but the tears just came, I feel so humiliated that he was thinking how bad I looked while I was so unaware as he'd made me feel like my tummy didn't matter previously.
He wanted to sit down and talk about it, but I just needed him to go, I kept saying I don't know how you expect me to respond, this is me, this is how my body is and it's not going to change, and he was saying we should just talk about it. But what is there to say, how can I ever be intimate with him knowing he can't get past how my tummy looks. So again I said it was best for him to go as the relationship is done. There were no shouting or sobbing it was just tense and awkward.
I did say to him I wish he'd told me before meeting my sister as now I feel so embarrassed I'm going to have to tell her I'm not seeing him anymore after her only just meeting him. I also said I don't understand why he was initiating cuddles if he felt like he does, as it made me feel fool, cuddling thinking how well everything was going, so pathetic. He said he just thought it was best to be honest, and while I agree honesty is the best policy, in this case I think he could have been kinder and said he just wasn't feeling it anymore, not make me feel so bad about myself. Was he right though? Maybe I have overreacted but it's left me feeling like I can't show anyone ever my awful tummy and I don't know how I can pick myself up 😢

@YeOldeTrout

Well YOU have been rightly flamed for your deeply vile views. I'll call it; you have NPD.

Tou are attempting to help the OP but because you are unaware, you do not see how deeply vile your views are.

So why are you a narc. Here you go.

Lack of affective empathy.
Lack of recognising boundaries
Persistence in transpiriring boundaries
Obsessed with the facade
Erroneous and potentially LETHAL advice
Lack of care

And also, not that bright

MN, be very aware of usernames. In this case, her name is spot on. It usually is with unaware narcs

Yes Rosetta19 nailed it

I've never met a guy who didn't have opinions about his lover's body

I'm so shallow that I've decided not to see men again after sex because I was turned off by their bodies. Yes even women can do that! But have I ever once told a man I didn't like his big belly, or hairy back sack and crack, or weird penis that points in the wrong direction and never gets properly hard? No I bloody have not. And I'm sure several men have not pursued relationships with me because of my stretch marks or saggy boobs or tummy but none of them have ever said so either. It would be unspeakably cruel and self esteem destroying. Which is why we know exactly what this man's game was!

You have got rid of this shallow low life with your self respect and dignity intact. I wish you all the best for your future.

So the first time you show a bit of confidence in your body, that’s his reaction? NOT a coincidence. Love this from pp above:

“OTOH I wish all bad dating stories would end like yours:
He was a rude horrible shit to me
So I binned him on the spot
The End”

You handled that so well OP, you should be proud of yourself for that. Although it may not feel like it, you're lucky he said it now and not further down the line. Your mum tum is a wonderful thing, a result of bringing your twins into the world. You will find someone who sees that when they look at you and I hope you can start believing that!

That did not go as he planned. He was trying to bring you under his control and you told him to get the fuck out. Ha! Good for you.

OP I'm really impressed with your strength. So many if us at different times of our life would have put up with that crap ( not knocking those that have I did years ago , we are often conditioned to)

You are an amazing strong 2oman to send him packing. For what it's worth I'm 40 have had 2 DC and lost 7.5 stone , my stomach look awful. Dp doesn't insist on touching it or making an issue of it but also doesnt see it as a problem, I asked him once and he barely glanced up and said " that's insane love you carried two children , and it's part if you, I love all bits of you and I think you are beautiful, dont give a shit about changes in your body it's still you" bless him...Shakespeare he isn't but a lovely man he is. That's how a normal (err relatively he does have a 12 year vendetta against dominos because they forgot his pizza once ...so I use the term normal relatively)

For your self esteem please look at body confidence social media, but for your sake noone elses

However I think you are pretty amazing anyway for not taking his rubbish

Oh and @YeOldeTrout seriously get help , whilst none of us had or have perfect self esteem , there is a line where surgery to please a man only is just bloody sad, if you think that's the answer there is something breathtakingly wrong with your world view

Piece of crap bet you look amazing

By the way he has done you a favour and you have dodged a bullet
😡😡😡

I don't think your tummy was an issue tbh. I think he was zoning in on your insecurities as a way to neg/bully you.

^^
This

If you had an afro but you said you had flat hair, he'd have agreed.

Tosspot

Even if he felt it was an issue to actually say it out load - even total creeps I know wouldn't do this. My 11 year old would know better.

You really have had a lucky escape and I don't imagine you have heard the last from him. You really handled it so well, I'm not sure I would have been as composed as you in that situation

We all have things we are insecure about but to actually have them pointed out to you by someone you are intimate with is deeply cruel and really does say so much about him.

Reading all your lovely messages has really lifted me up today, thank you it really means a lot to me!

I actually have 6 children, my first 4 I didn't get an apron with them, but having the twins did stretch me a lot lol but they are soooo worth it! I did put on a lot of weight after them too as my marriage was so unhappy, but once I left and was happier again I lost 4 stone 😊 I think that hasn't helped my tummy situation tbh, but I'm a lot happier with how I look now.

I was really upset about last night last night, but you lovely people have helped me realise I'm worth much more 😊

What a nasty bastard!! Absolute cunt!

Oh OP I hate this because it's so hard to unhear things like this and it knocks your confidence but please try as hard as you can to realise he probably wanted you to feel shit to put you on the back foot.

And happily you've obviously learned from your previous abusive relationships, put in place good boundaries and trusted your judgement.

Don't view seeing him as a waste of time, view it as proof of how well you've done for acting quickly and decisively. Well done!

I hope that prick feels shit about himself today.

Op I have have the mummy tummy after 3 DC and c sections I met my current partner 5 years ago I always hid it then I became relaxed and he seen it doesn't bother him in the slightest this guy's a first class dick and so shallow .
You have dodged a bullet most men it wouldn't bother them at all .
I hope your ok op your too good for him .

If it was only £2k then OP could ask him to gift her the £2k to get the procedure done & even if they broke up later then OP would be happier with her body and have gained something she wants. What he thinks doesn't matter, but OP isn't happy with her body. I'm thinking about what would make OP more confident going forward.

The lack of self worth that this displays is gobsmacking. Asking a man to pay to make your body what he specifically wants in order to hold on to him? I just did a whole body cringe.

Do I ask for a nose job if someone said it was the thing stopping them wanting to stay with me?

How embarrassing for you to have posted this in response to a woman having experienced what OP did.

Good grief. If only the NHS did personality transplants.

I’m proud of you OP

I have to say that i think he is a total cunt just in the same that i would for someone saying the same about a small penis or small breasts.

@littlebirdieblue
I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience with this awful man, I have five children including twins and the twin pregnancy wrecked my stomach, but my DH still found me attractive and I never gave my new body a thought during sex, I did however decide to have a tummy tuck for myself, I was a size 8 with a size 16 tummy measurement, it was the best thing I ever did FOR ME! I was only 32.
Ten years later I have a new partner and my body is far from perfect, my tummy is flat but far from "normal" but my lover makes me feel like I'm the most attractive woman he has ever met, getting my muscles fixed and the lump of skin removed did a lot for my self confidence but I'm still a normal woman not far from 50
No advice, but just my experience

If it was only £2k then OP could ask him to gift her the £2k to get the procedure done & even if they broke up later then OP would be happier with her body and have gained something she wants.

Do you have shares in a cosmetic surgery outfit or something, wtaf?

Op, he's a total fkg hypocrite given he has a bit if a belly himself.

Also you showed total class getting him to leave asap, others would have talked until he reassured them in some way and clung on and kept seeing him (and undoubtedly been dumped a bit later).

@littlebirdieblue I think you 100% did the right thing. Everyone has their own line in the sand and if you can't, or don't want to, continue in a relationship it's completely up to you. Some people would be absolutely fine with a thing that someone else wouldn't put up with. It's fantastic that you kept your boundaries and said 'no, I won't accept this fuck off'

Fwiw I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with someone who said what this tosser said to you. You are so much better off without him.

Proud of you OP. You're awesome

You sound like a great person who deserves so much better. He sounds vile and insecure. He will have continued to abuse you.

Omg what is wrong with me. I was fine until I went to bed last night, couldn't stop thinking about it and trying to work our why he would be so hurtful after weeks of being so lovely. I even thought about messaging him this morning as I feel like I need to know why?? I haven't and I won't but it's so hard not to