Body shaming

[littlebirdieblue]

I'd been seeing a really lovely man, I'm mid 40's, he's early 50's for 7 weeks, we were exclusive and he asked me to be his girlfriend quite early on, we've slept together, it took me a while as I have body issues, in that I have a mummy tummy from having twins that I feel very embarrassed about. After the first time he told me my tummy wasn't an issue and that he loved everything about my body, so I've started to relax about the way I look and I thought things were going really well. We have lots of common interests and enjoy being together.

Yesterday he was meant to come to mine for the weekend, as my children were at their dads, and we'd also arranged to go to my sisters so he could meet her. And then go out for dinner just the two of us. So he arrives we have sex, this time I relaxed and totally let myself go. I thought the sex was good and he seemed to enjoy it too. I then made us lunch and then we went to my sisters, everything seemed fine and he seemed relaxed and happy. We get back to
mine, we watched a bit of telly, he intimated cuddling in the sofa, so I was relaxed and feeling really happy. Then I say we'd better start getting ready soon, he responded with 'I need to tell you something' then proceeds to tell me how great I am but he can't get past my mummy tummy.

Omg I felt like he'd punched me in the gut. I asked him when he felt like this and he said when we had sex earlier, I couldn't stop myself from crying, not sobbing or anything, but the tears just came, I feel so humiliated that he was thinking how bad I looked while I was so unaware as he'd made me feel like my tummy didn't matter previously.
He wanted to sit down and talk about it, but I just needed him to go, I kept saying I don't know how you expect me to respond, this is me, this is how my body is and it's not going to change, and he was saying we should just talk about it. But what is there to say, how can I ever be intimate with him knowing he can't get past how my tummy looks. So again I said it was best for him to go as the relationship is done. There were no shouting or sobbing it was just tense and awkward.
I did say to him I wish he'd told me before meeting my sister as now I feel so embarrassed I'm going to have to tell her I'm not seeing him anymore after her only just meeting him. I also said I don't understand why he was initiating cuddles if he felt like he does, as it made me feel fool, cuddling thinking how well everything was going, so pathetic. He said he just thought it was best to be honest, and while I agree honesty is the best policy, in this case I think he could have been kinder and said he just wasn't feeling it anymore, not make me feel so bad about myself. Was he right though? Maybe I have overreacted but it's left me feeling like I can't show anyone ever my awful tummy and I don't know how I can pick myself up 😢

Most of us mummies on here have mummy tummy's. Be proud that you carried your babies in your body. Its just a small part of your all round loveliness. His issue wasn't your stomach believe me. Don't have a tummy tuck ! Be proud of what your body did and put this insecure issue riddled man behind you X

@littlebirdieblue I like your style!

Most of us mummies on here have mummy tummy's

I have about 3...and only 1 kid.

this time I relaxed and totally let myself go

He is such an abusive jerk that he couldn't allow you to feel comfortable and relaxed even for a little bit. Your burgeoning confidence threatened him so much that had to try to ruin your comfort with yourself. What an absolute monster he is.

Thank goodness he is as sick as he is to reveal his disgusting nature so soon.

And whether you realise it or not, your previous experiences have given you the gift of subconsciously recognising another abuser. You have handled things perfectly and with extreme dignity. That monster certainly wasn't expecting that!

Now just love yourself until you realise that no man who does not absolutely love your body, who does not make you feel really desirable, deserves to enjoy your body. If you are feeling anything but desired, give the bloke a miss. There are men out there who will fall over themselves to be with you exactly as you are.

Honestly? Be jumping for joy that he's gone and that you had the strength to tell him to leave.

Onwards and upwards for you x

Well done you for realising that his shitty wank badger behaviour is not ok! That's what you should take from this! FFW I'm really fat (size 20 & 5"6) my DP worships every wobbly inch of me! So don't be thinking you'll never get a man!

There was absolutely no reason for him to say that, that's horrible. He could just have, as you said, given some other vague reason.

'He's messaged me this morning to say sorry for the way he handled things.'

Now block him on everything please- it'll make you feel better.

@littlebirdieblue treat yourself kindly today. Even if its just sitting on the sofa with tea/coffee. Well done on staying strong

Your reaction was absolutely appropriate and I agree with pp , this was nothing to do with your body , it was about keeping you in your place .

Couldn’t get past page 1. The vile swearing in comments by posters completely unnecessary and as bad as the man in the story in many ways. Gross and wish I hadn’t opened the thread at all.

Even on page 4, red socks, why don’t you think of people reading the thread who might find your comment just as crass. Ugh

You acted amazingly OP and did totally the right thing. What a nasty, shallow piece of work he was. You are well rid. He probably gets his idea about what women should look like from porn anyway. Sad bastard.

Blueround, swearing is permitted on Mumsnet.

Off you pop.

Well rid of the asshole OP. @YeOldTrout, perhaps fuck off to the far side of fuck, or maybe watch a few episodes of Botched.

@BlueRound if you can't handle the language, you might want to look for another site. MN's not the place for delicate flowers.

Hideous man. He'll be lucky to ever find true love with such an ugly personality. I can totally imagine your humiliation and pain here OP. You have dodged a bullet though. You are way too good for that crap. Take some time for you now tome build your confidence again. You deserve it x

@BlueRound you new here?

What a vile twat he is.
You have done the right thing op.
Make sure you block him and if it were me I would send one last message saying thanks for pointing out my perceived physical imperfections. Now if I were to list yours i'd be here all day.
Also make sure you tell your sister the truth so if she ever bumps into him he she won't be fooled by him.

Thank you again all you lovely people! I'm feeling much better thanks to your lovely posts!

I've spoken to my sister and best friend in RL, and they've been so supportive too. Both completely shocked tbh, but glad I've find out now what's he's really like, than later down the line. I'm still hurting as I'd started to get the feels, but I'll learn from this for sure and in time maybe I'll try dating again, but for now I'm just going to focus on me, my children and my work

See if you can get him to pay for a tummy tuck for you then dump him. That's what I would do.

He was happy to stay!?

What a trooper!!!

Honestly OP you dodged a bullet there. If you stayed with him he would have constantly made comments that chipped away at you.

I never say this but what a cunt

I don't think your tummy was an issue tbh. I think he was zoning in on your insecurities as a way to neg/bully you.

This. It seems just a bit too coincidental that the one ting you tell him you're insecure about, is the one thing he mentions he does not like. You're well rid. Tell your sister you told him to take a hike, no need to say why, just that you saw his true colours.

Op, agree with all the other posters. This bloke is a twat. My ex is in perfect shape, 8 pack, very handsome etc and even he would never have thought to criticise my obvious flaws as I see them. I guess I think if you want to even slate me, you need to be on super top form yourself if that, and clearly your bloke was not. I really want to tell you that he is the exception not the rule and I don't know any men who would say such a thing. Complete loser.

What a very hurtful thing for him to say. Ther are no excuses for that.

Its not even like he's an 18 year old who hasn't yet understood that life and pregnancy leave their hallmarks on bodies. He's in his FIFTIES. Unless he's been hiding under a rock for 30 years he should understand that a) he's bloody lucky to be getting laid at all and b) Your body is testament to doing incredible things. You grew, carried and birthed TWINS. You might have breastfed - which means you fed them the perfect nutritional thing that you made in your own body. You've lifted children with those abdominal muscles, well before any recovery specialist would advise you did if they had been injured any other way. Your body is testament to the quite simply amazing and miraculous things you've done in your 40 years of life. I know it sounds twee and the majority of people here have done it but growing and birthing a baby is a miracle - and you did two at the same time! Your body is amazing and I hope that you will come to realise and appreciate that a) your body is amazing and all of it deserves your love and b) the way a body looks is of such little consequence to the right person.

Young, slim, pre-pregnancy women have flat tummies. A fifty year old man is cuckoo and probably watching too much of the wrong type of porn (yuck) if he thinks women in their 40s (i note that he is dating younger than himself surprise surprise) shouldn't have wobbly tummies. I don't mean any disrespect to those here who do have flat tummies, (your bodies totally rock too) but really, the man sounds like he's living on an imaginary planet if he's offended by the sight of a lover's tummy.

He could have just ended it in a way that you don't carry this forward with you. To single out someone's biggest insecurity deliberately is beyond cruel. I note he made sure he got the sex in first before dropping this on you.

I've never met a guy who didn't have opinions about his lover's body

I have had opinions about the bodies of all of the men who have been my lovers. I'm a big plus size, with all sorts of scars and stretch marks. I have even (in my younger and shallower days) split up with somebody because I was secretly ashamed to be seen with them because of their looks.

I have never, EVER told a lover that I disliked anything about their body or their looks. Who the fuck in their right mind could be so callous and so cruel. I am WELL aware that my body has plenty of things about it that are turn offs to many other people. I pray for a good man that doesn't care what size I am and how much I wobble, (I have one) and I pray that nobody who changes their mind about how attracted they are to my body tells me that my body is unattractive. I'm a passionate advocate for honesty and openness and reasons for breaking up or not wanting sex is one of the few times I believe that little white lies are better than the truth (if the truth is that you find part of a lover's body abhorent). It's something that would really damage anybody's ego, and that they can't and shouldn't have to change. It's callous at best and deliberately cruel at worst.

And the bits of a lover's body that you'd ideally change really, really don't matter and either don't register or are actively adored by the right person. That's not fairytale speak, it's true.