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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands family/friends outings meeting up

78 replies

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 13:11

Im genuinely wondering what im meant to do in this situation. My husband is from a different country to me and he has friends and family etc that like to meet up for coffee or see us. The issue I’ve got is that every single time we are together apart from a quick hello in English the whole conversation is in their language... they all speak fluent English and obviously chose to move to England, so in my opinion I shouldn’t need to learn their language however I do know some small bits and I try to learn but it’s very difficult for me. I just think it makes me look odd just sitting there uncomfortable, not knowing what they are talking about. I’ve made allowances when we are around people who cannot speak English, sometimes we go back to his country for holidays and I totally understand that they will all be speaking in their language not mine. That is fair enough but I just think in England.. they should speak in English to help me feel included. We have had this debate for years and last time I made an excuse not to go for coffee and that turned into an argument because my husband didn’t want to tell them I’m busy. He won’t prompt them to change the conversation to English as he won’t say anything to his family. He literally says that he understands but there’s nothing he can do. So I suggested that if they cannot include me in conversation then why did they specifically invite me along? What is the point in me being there, they do it in my house too, I feel a bit awkward. The funny thing is I love his family... I wish they had the care and respect for me to include me in the convo. My sister in law tells everyone that they have to speak English in front of her, shes not afraid to tell them however I wouldn’t go that far, just sometimes it would be nice to speak in English around me. I’ve considered giving up and learning their language So that I can understand them all but I find it extremely difficult I have been trying to learn for years.

OP posts:
Bbang · 12/02/2020 13:16

Gahhhh YANBU. My in-laws can speak perfect English but choose not to, I let it go when in their home but it pisses me right off of when I’m out with them or when they’re at mine they’re all just twittering on in Cantonese. DP has asked them to stop and he answers in English so I can at least get one side I suppose

HollowTalk · 12/02/2020 13:20

I can understand the pleasure of speaking your own language to others, but if someone is there who can't understand then it's very rude to do that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2020 13:21

Your H could be doing more here in relation to you as his wife but is not for his own reasons. What is he afraid of?. And as for he saying there is nothing he can do, well that is a weak cop out on his part.
Re this comment on your H:-

" We have had this debate for years and last time I made an excuse not to go for coffee and that turned into an argument because my husband didn’t want to tell them I’m busy".

What a weak lily livered man he is. He does not want to have to deal with this at all. He seems to want their approval far more and is far more afraid of them that to be actually that concerned about the fact you cannot fully converse in this other language. What does he say to you when you leave together after such conversations?.

I think you need to be acting more like your SIL is here and become more assertive about conversing in English. Your H won't speak up here so you're going to have to be your own advocate.

HalfBiscuit · 12/02/2020 13:22

Have you had lessons to learn his language?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2020 13:23

And why would you at all "love" his family if they cannot even have the decency to converse with you in English, a language you understand?. They really have no respect for you as a person at all. Do not meekly continue to put up and shut up, show all these people that you have a voice.

MissEliza · 12/02/2020 13:27

YANBU. My dh isn't English and luckily his friends balance their conversations out so I can follow. However when his dps visit, they speak their language. I used to think I was being a bit difficult to be annoyed about it until, as my children grew up, they started to complain about being excluded. As my dd said 'I don't want to go out for lunch with my dgps because last time they spoke Arabic and I just sat there'. We can't all be wrong.

FraglesRock · 12/02/2020 13:28

Does your dh talk in English when he's with them, doesn't sound like it so even he can't be arsed including you. So no I wouldn't go unless at least your dh included you

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 15:18

Hi all

I genuinely thought I was being unreasonable however seeing all these comments it’s confirmed that im right. It’s hard because the language is not easy at all the pronunciation is so difficult and even when I try I feel I sound stupid, im a bit shy I suppose. I can say basic greetings like hello how are you, good morning, good night, love you etc. He doesn’t prompt them mid conversation by changing to English however he has told me previously that he will do this. Obviously that didn’t last long but I will ask him to make sure he does next time. The thing is I feel like should I even want to go for coffee with people who obviously don’t care about my feelings... no not really if im being honest.

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AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2020 15:24

I think you need to become assertive like your SIL. Presumably they now speak English in front of her?

At the very least your DH should be translating back to you but given they all speak fluent English to speak their own language in front of the only person in the party who doesn’t speak it is extremely rude. And I wouldn’t have them in my house again if they can’t speak English there, and I would make that very clear to DH.

As an aside, do you have DC? Because if not then I would nip this in the bud pretty sharpish, otherwise the risk is that your DH will raise the DC as bilingual and will have conversations with them in his language which you also won’t be able to understand.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2020 15:31

I'd go along.
Once they start speaking and you don't understand, just stand up, say 'No point me being here I am not included in your conversation and cannot understand what is going on. So I'm off to do a bit a shopping and will come back in an hour. See you soon.' And go!!!!!! Don't say it in a grumpy way at all. Just a very bright breezy way.
And look up assertiveness courses and do one!
Your SIL can do it. So can you!

Peignoir · 12/02/2020 15:31

What? They come to inside your home and refuse to speak English? No no no no. That's downright rude. It's time to be more assertive and simply tell him you won't be in attendance to these family gatherings if they're not willing to speak in English. There's no point in you being there. It seems like his family really don't want to include you in their conversations. Heck, even those who don't speak the same language will attempt to make conversation. Yes, he can do something. He needs to tell them to speak in English, so you're included in the conversation.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 15:33

I actually thi k yabvu. How long have you been married? Perhaps you should show some respect for th and speak their language or a least learn the basics. Presumably they do actually speak to you in English. I can imagine they spend most of their speaking English if they live here, so when they get together it's probably nice to speak their native language.

Peignoir · 12/02/2020 15:34

My ex husband would do this to deliberately exclude me and make me look stupid on occasions. I'd attend his work lunches and all of them would be talking in abbreviations and acronyms. I had no idea what they were talking about, so I'd get up and tell them I'm off. Why on earth am I trying to make a conversation with people who have no interest to include me in their topic of conversation. Dreadful.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2020 15:36

Do similar when they are in your house.
If it's nice outside then a simple 'Oh OK, I see where this is going. I'm off out, byeee!'
If it's not 'OKaaayyy... so I'm not included again. I'll be upstairs, if anyone needs anything let DH know and I'm sure he can help you!'

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 15:43

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion in that case why move to a country that’s called England, speaks English but refuse to speak in that language. ? They literally speak in their language 24-7 obviously except if they are booking a doctors appt for example. I know they are used to it but they chose to move to England I didn’t choose to move to their country and if I did move to a foreign country I would use their language and learn it, I live in England and my in-laws all speak fluently in English but choose to use their own language right in my face it’s just plain rude!

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 12/02/2020 15:53

@ Iminaglasscaseofemotion OP has already said she is trying to learn their language . Also the family speak English fluently so why would they not speak English? Different in their own country but rude here.
I have a friend who married someone from overseas and she now lives there . She has learned his language but he flatly refuses to learn English so that when they visit family and friends here she spends her time translating!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 15:55

I didn’t choose to move to their country and if I did move to a foreign country I would use their language and learn it,

You did chose to marry a MN who spoke that language though.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 15:56

Man not MN

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 15:58

Also the family speak English fluently so why would they not speak English? Different in their own country but rude here.

So if the OP was in their company, but in the country the originally came from, it would be fine for them to exclude her? Or do you think if she was in there country, she should onky then have to learn to speak their language?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 16:01

Also the family speak English fluently so why would they not speak English?

I don't know, maybe they just don't want to? I would be pretty pissed of if someone tried to demand I speak in a different language so they could understand me.

Out of curiosity OP, have they ever tried to demand you speak their language?

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:04

I speak with his parents who speak no English.. well I try to. I literally say good morning how are you, offer them a coffee, say good night and so on. That’s as much communication we have but when I visit they never learn a few words of English it’s always me who learns a few greetings etc in their language. I don’t complain tho because im a visitor in their country. I also do the same when they visit us in England... there’s no English spoken while they are here and I actually don’t mind because they are my mother and father in law who don’t understand English and I want to help make them feel comfortable. But the rest of the family who speak fluent English need to include me a bit more. It’s different if they CANT speak English but when they can then I think it’s quite rude. If for example we had a visitor who spoke no English of course every conversation would be in their language and I wouldn’t mind, I would want to make them feel welcome.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 16:04

I live in England and my in-laws all speak fluently in English but choose to use their own language right in my face it’s just plain rude!

I just don't think it is. I think it borderline racist to demand that people speak your native language and not their own, just because they are in "your" country.

So when they speak to you directly, do they speak English? Or do they never speak to you directly?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 16:06

So because they took the time and went to the bother of learning English, they should always speak it while in they company of other English speakers, because you find their language to "difficult" to learn?

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:08

Obviously them speaking to me in English but it’s mainly hi how are you how is work how is family... then the next hour is all them conversing with each other...

OP posts:
Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:08

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yes!!

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