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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands family/friends outings meeting up

78 replies

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 13:11

Im genuinely wondering what im meant to do in this situation. My husband is from a different country to me and he has friends and family etc that like to meet up for coffee or see us. The issue I’ve got is that every single time we are together apart from a quick hello in English the whole conversation is in their language... they all speak fluent English and obviously chose to move to England, so in my opinion I shouldn’t need to learn their language however I do know some small bits and I try to learn but it’s very difficult for me. I just think it makes me look odd just sitting there uncomfortable, not knowing what they are talking about. I’ve made allowances when we are around people who cannot speak English, sometimes we go back to his country for holidays and I totally understand that they will all be speaking in their language not mine. That is fair enough but I just think in England.. they should speak in English to help me feel included. We have had this debate for years and last time I made an excuse not to go for coffee and that turned into an argument because my husband didn’t want to tell them I’m busy. He won’t prompt them to change the conversation to English as he won’t say anything to his family. He literally says that he understands but there’s nothing he can do. So I suggested that if they cannot include me in conversation then why did they specifically invite me along? What is the point in me being there, they do it in my house too, I feel a bit awkward. The funny thing is I love his family... I wish they had the care and respect for me to include me in the convo. My sister in law tells everyone that they have to speak English in front of her, shes not afraid to tell them however I wouldn’t go that far, just sometimes it would be nice to speak in English around me. I’ve considered giving up and learning their language So that I can understand them all but I find it extremely difficult I have been trying to learn for years.

OP posts:
Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:10

Don’t ask me out for coffee or dinner or invite yourself to my house if you refuse to speak in English knowing that I cannot understand your language. That’s my point.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2020 16:11

So if the OP was in their company, but in the country the originally came from, it would be fine for them to exclude her? Or do you think if she was in there country, she should onky then have to learn to speak their language? actually yes I think that she should learn another language if she lives in the country of that language.

But TBH most people aren’t rude enough to exclude the only non speaker of their language if they speak that person’s language even in their own country.

For reference, I grew up abroad. I attended a school where another language was spoken and as such I learned to speak that language and now speak it as a first language iyswim i.e. my fluency in that language is exactly the same as in English.

But my parents don’t speak it, and when they spent time with others who spoke it, including my friends and their parents those people spoke in English as it would be rude to exclude my parents.

I still have friends in that country and they occasionally call me, and although we could technically speak that language they speak to me in English, even over the phone as they consider it would be rude for me to be sitting talking to them in another language while my DP and DC look on.

But in the OP’s case the family have chosen to move here. As such it is not unreasonable that they speak to and in front of those who do not speak their language in English.

As for saying that the OP chose to marry a man who’ speaks a different language, presumably they got together because he spoke English because if he hadn’t they wouldn’t have been able to understand each other.

We don’t justify family excluding one person for any other reason, this is no different.

LemonBreeland · 12/02/2020 16:12

I wouldn't go OP, and tough if your DH doesn't like it. He hasn't helped to try and involve you, which he could have done, so why continue making the effort.

TheBeesKnee · 12/02/2020 16:14

I think YOU'RE rude to not bother learning their language. My DP basically started learning my mother tongue as soon as we started dating. He's not fluent at all, but he makes an effort to learn.

It's much more comfortable to speak your native language even if you are fluent in other languages. They most probably feel at least a fraction of the discomfort that you do when they speak English.

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:16

So what is the solution then lets just say we all speak both languages... which language do we choose to speak in mine or theirs? Guarantee it will still be theirs.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/02/2020 16:17

Presumably there are mostly the to see your dh though, so you should make more of an effort to learn their language.

AdaColeman · 12/02/2020 16:20

I think you should stick up for yourself a bit more in family gatherings, especially at your own house.
But I also think you should make an effort to learn the other language, maybe try a free internet course?

If all else fails, make a large "Only English spoken here" poster for your front door when they come to visit! Wink Wink

Peignoir · 12/02/2020 16:22

Where his your husband from? I don't see why they can't speak in English when you are there?

Fullyhuman · 12/02/2020 16:23

Language is more than communication, it’s culture too. Yabvvvu not to learn. Yes, it’s hard, yes you feel embarrassed trying out new phrases, that’s what they’ve been through to learn English!
You are excluding yourself.

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:23

There are no online courses for this language I’ve asked my husband to teach me officially like set up a weekly class and really learn together but he doesn’t have the patience. I’ve offered to learn but he won’t teach me

OP posts:
Fullyhuman · 12/02/2020 16:25

That is hard then. He should be helping you.

restingbitchface30 · 12/02/2020 16:30

You are not being unreasonable, my partners mum is from India and never speaks English when I’m around. She’s been here 42 years and I find it’s really uncomfortable and rude. Especially when her children were all born in England so they all speak English as their first language. You should tell your husband you can’t keep meeting up with them if they can’t have the decency to make u feel included.

restingbitchface30 · 12/02/2020 16:31

And no I don’t see why u should have to learn the language like others have said

AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2020 16:34

So, the husband refuses to teach the OP his language but insists on excluding her by speaking only that language in front of his family, including in the house he shares with the OP? And OP is the one in the wrong here? Really?

I wonder if the husband in fact has motive for not teaching the OP his language, if actually he wants to deliberately exclude her from his family.

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:47

It’s even worse when I hear them say my name but have no clue what they are saying about me... like when my name comes up in their conversation. Yes my husband never wants to upset his family he’s never once stood up for me in the 5 years we’ve been together. We’ve had issues with certain family members but was never resolved as he didn’t want to cause problems with them so we just ignore it every time. Luckily I choose to keep my distance from them because I don’t want to cause any family issues for my husband

OP posts:
HeadachesByTheDozen · 12/02/2020 16:49

It is beyond rude, and your DH sounds like a rude pig for allowing you to be treated this way. Please, grow a back bone and do exactly what your SIL is. She should be the role model you use. NOTHING will change, if you do nothing about it. I would not have tolerated that rudeness and disrespect for a second time, let alone years. I would would said something at day two. I don't understand why so many women on here lack the self respect and guts to stand up for themselves. Your SIL is how it's done. She's your role model in this. Just DO IT!

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 16:53

His cousin invited himself his wife and baby around one evening and they live a 20 minute drive away.. I explained that I'm not decent for visitors.. had a cold and was sat in my pjs looking rough... I knew they would be here in 20 mins..we argued it out and he still let them come around even though I asked him not to. I told him that it’s not a good time for visitors can’t you meet him elsewhere but no. I said it’s last minute etc can’t you just say we are busy but he just can’t do it it’s like he wants their approval all the time even if it means upsetting me. Once or twice is okay but it’s every single time. We had the same issue last week because I didn’t want to go for coffee with them last minute. Had no makeup done and already had plans for that day with husband. We end up arguing about it because he doesn’t understand why I won’t go for coffee... cos I don’t feel like it maybe! I literally told him that day and he thought I was in the wrong for not going out for coffee but I just didn’t feel like it is that a crime. This is what I have to deal with it’s all about his family all the time

OP posts:
HeadachesByTheDozen · 12/02/2020 16:56

he’s never once stood up for me in the 5 years we’ve been together. We’ve had issues with certain family members but was never resolved as he didn’t want to cause problems with them

That would have my blood boiling! Seriously, he is telling you your pecking order. He is saying he doesn't want to upset them, but is completely fine upsetting you. How do you put up with that? I would demand he change his attitude and behaviour, or he'll be changing his spouse, because I'd leave. Honestly. He clearly doesn't respect you or cherish you enough to be concerned about upsetting you, his WIFE.

However you allow his treatment of you to continue by not laying down the line, by not giving him an ultimatum. He knows you will accept it, so he continues to treat you that way. Because you've yet to snap and really push back. If you have a daughter, would you want her to be treated like this? Men get away with treating women like this, because some of us don't have enough self respect to stand up and say this fcking stops NOW!! Your SIL is who you need to be. You are woman. Show it and be proud. So have the self respect and the guts and stand up for yourself.

saraclara · 12/02/2020 16:57

My sister in law tells everyone that they have to speak English in front of her, shes not afraid to tell them however I wouldn’t go that far,

Well you should. It would be different if they were unable to speak English, but they CAN.
My FIL was foreign and would speak to his friends and family in his home language when they were alone or we weren't involved in the conversation, but as soon as any of the rest of us where around, they'd switch to English.

When we went to visit the relatives in his won country, we'd trot out the few phrases we'd learned, and FIL would translate between the two groups for the rest.

Either your husband supports you in this, or he lets you opt out of the meetups.

Iwantadog1989 · 12/02/2020 17:02

I just can’t articulate properly during an ultimatum. I don’t know how to make him change, short of saying do what I say or il divorce you, which he would get angry about. He says I always threaten divorce 🤣 but what else can I say... if you carry on this behaviour then yes I will leave you. I always explain to him if it was once it’s not Big deal but when it’s the same thing every time... you can’t blame me for feeling this way. How do I get him to take me seriously?

OP posts:
Nothing2doooooo · 12/02/2020 17:03

they all speak fluent English and obviously chose to move to England, so in my opinion I shouldn’t need to learn their language

Balderdash!

I think it might be helpful to learn your partner's (man or woman) language to be able to communicate with his (or her) family but you don't HAVE TO because you shouldn't have to. This has nothing to do with them coming to England and supposed to speak their language and whatnot.

However, the different issue is that I think your husband and his friends should be considerate of you being there and should speak what you understand (or atleast your husband should deem it necessary to interpret for you during conversations). I think its insensitive and inconsiderate of them (mainly your husband) to carry on in their language, leaving you out of the convo.

AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2020 17:03

The more you write about your DH the less I like the sound of him.

TBH if you don’t have kids I would be rethinking this marriage altogether. Once you have children it will be him and them and his family against you....

Don’t have children with this man......

FamBae · 12/02/2020 17:05

Next time someone says something in their language just try saying in a lighthearted way sorry guys could you speak in English so that I can join in as I'm feeling a bit left out, and I certainly would ask for a translation if I heard my name mentioned. Say it enough and they will hopefully get bored and speak English.

AdaColeman · 12/02/2020 17:07

You've got bigger problems than language trouble.

Your husband doesn't respect you, or prioritise your needs and wishes.

Nothing2doooooo · 12/02/2020 17:15

Reading your other replies, I would say your husband does not have your back at all. This is more than just language. He has been raised to be (or is naturally) a people pleaser and he will please his family (or anyone) before he pleases (or helps) you.

You need to sort out this issue because it will keep seeping into bigger and deeper areas in your relationship. So sorry you're alone in this because he's not with you.