Husbands family/friends outings meeting up

[Iwantadog1989]

Im genuinely wondering what im meant to do in this situation. My husband is from a different country to me and he has friends and family etc that like to meet up for coffee or see us. The issue I’ve got is that every single time we are together apart from a quick hello in English the whole conversation is in their language... they all speak fluent English and obviously chose to move to England, so in my opinion I shouldn’t need to learn their language however I do know some small bits and I try to learn but it’s very difficult for me. I just think it makes me look odd just sitting there uncomfortable, not knowing what they are talking about. I’ve made allowances when we are around people who cannot speak English, sometimes we go back to his country for holidays and I totally understand that they will all be speaking in their language not mine. That is fair enough but I just think in England.. they should speak in English to help me feel included. We have had this debate for years and last time I made an excuse not to go for coffee and that turned into an argument because my husband didn’t want to tell them I’m busy. He won’t prompt them to change the conversation to English as he won’t say anything to his family. He literally says that he understands but there’s nothing he can do. So I suggested that if they cannot include me in conversation then why did they specifically invite me along? What is the point in me being there, they do it in my house too, I feel a bit awkward. The funny thing is I love his family... I wish they had the care and respect for me to include me in the convo. My sister in law tells everyone that they have to speak English in front of her, shes not afraid to tell them however I wouldn’t go that far, just sometimes it would be nice to speak in English around me. I’ve considered giving up and learning their language So that I can understand them all but I find it extremely difficult I have been trying to learn for years.

I was also going to say next time they start a conversation, keep interrupting with "What did you say?" (In an equally light hearted, conversational manner) so they will have to interpret what they said. By the time you do that several times, they may find it easier to speak what you understand or they may show their real colours and tell you to f off so they can chat. Either way, you'll be sorted.

The issue here is your husband. His family are disrespecting you and he doesn't care, nor does he want his family to include his wife in their conversations, which is bizarre.

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with it and you clearly know you shouldn't have to, but it's only going to change if you make it clear to you husband and his family that it's not acceptable for them to mistreat you like this.

If I was you I would not be attending any get togethers, and I would tell DH that I understand why he's upset but there's nothing I can do.

I would be pretty pissed of if someone tried to demand I speak in a different language so they could understand me.

How incredibly rude.

That's really rude. I wouldn't go anymore and if asked I'd say I don't like to go where I'm excluded.
They are being really shitty doing it knowing you can't understand

So your SIL has solved this problem, by just asking them to speak English around her... and you refuse to use the same solution?

Look, if you have tried to learn their language and it's too hard for you, then just ask them to accommodate you FFS. You have a solution but you won't use it because you want them to read your mind/think of you before anyone else... that's not rational.

Globally speaking it's not normal to be monolingual so if you need to be accommodated, don't expect others to accommodate you unless you ask for it... in the country of my birth, people would feel they are insulting you by switching to English, because they assume you can understand other languages and they don't want to imply you're an idiot.

they assume you can understand other languages

I find that in itself is quite insulting, almost as if you assume everyone speaks your language or aught to. English is the universal language.

I’ve offered to learn but he won’t teach me

Contradicting yourself a bit there. First of all you tried to learn, but it was too difficult. Now it's because your husband won't teach you.

How incredibly rude.

Sorry, why would it be rude to feel annoyed because someone demand you don't speak your native language, just because they can't speak it?

English is the universal language.

Really? I think more people in the world speak Chinese than English.

English may be the "Universally spoken language" because so many people from other countries learn to speak English.

I find that in itself is quite insulting, almost as if you assume everyone speaks your language or aught to. English is the universal language.

The fact that you're insulted that most people speak multiple languages, and you speak only one, and they assume you are more competent than that, is very amusing.

In any group of, say, six people, where six people all speak language A and only five people speak language B, why would language B be chosen for the conversation, thereby leaving one person out completely?

It doesn't matter what languages A and B are, or which one is the language of the location, nor the perceived status of either language. Everyone speaks one of them, and all but one speak the other. Logic and inclusivity would make it sensible and thoughtful to speak language A. And if the other five insist on speaking language B, then the sixth person has every right to remove themself from the situation.

It is considered the universal language. An example of this is that every airport speaks in English, ie all clearance, codes, control towers etc world wide communicate in English.

@rvby You misunderstood me. You can speak say 3 languages, but who is to say one of those 3 you speak, is the one a group is speaking? Do you have any idea how many languages there are in the world? And you arrogantly presume a person, out of all those languages, speaks yours? Your statement was insulting becomes it comes from a presumed importance or arrogance. That a person should be able to speak any of the hundreds of languages that you so happen to speak. It is giving yourself a level of importance and very offensive and presumptuous. No where did I say I only speak one, that is you presuming, yet again. I simply said that it is wrong to assume that everyone you come across speaks your language, which it is clear that is what you expect. So if I speak 5 languages, but that isn't good enough if it so happens that one of those 5 isn't your language? Give over.

Derailed. The OP only speaks one language.

All this is irrelevant. The OP is martyring herself. She said already, her sil asked everyone to speak English infront of her, so they do.

No, I understood you. It's you who didn't understand me.

I am saying:

Most people are multilingual.

OP married into a family that is multilingual.

She is U to expect multilingual people to carefully inquire about which language they should use with her - if you are the one with a deficit, then speak up and ask to be accommodated. Don't get upset about it, because their assumption that you can understand them is rooted in them assuming you have a competency that is common the world over...

All this is irrelevant. The OP is martyring herself. She said already, her sil asked everyone to speak English infront of her, so they do. < this, OP has a solution for this problem but she won't use it, and is whining about how rude people are instead.

Find a Skype tutor. There are thousands of them out there in all sorts of languages.

Also, spending the whole time saying "what's was that?", "what did x say?", "pardon?" etc would help make it clear to them all that you are trying to participate but are being excluded.

Sorry, why would it be rude to feel annoyed because someone demand you don't speak your native language, just because they can't speak it?

It's not a blanket demand to never speak your language, it's asking you to speak a language that is common to all people present.

OP, every time someone speaks in that language, ask your DH to translate for you. Literally, every sentence said in front of you. It will very quickly become ridiculous and boring for him to translate every exchange in a multi person conversation and draw attention to the fact that without them speaking the common language to you all, you are being totally ostracised. I reckon they will quickly revert to the common language you can all understand.

But this is a symptom of your bigger DH problem that he prioritises everyone else above you.

Is he from a culture where women are generally made to be subservient to their husbands?

Or is he spineless and thoughtless?

It’s totally unreasonable and bordering on racism to me to say - I’d you moved to England, you should chose to speak English. Ant to somehow claim that your language (English) is somehow superior to other languages.

That said, there is still a matter of having to sit among people and not be able to understand. So - in your place, I’d make a simple rule.
I’d stop coming out with them, to give them a chance to catch up and share their culture/language.
But when they come to you and start chatting away in their language - I’d just ask/tell them straight that you’d like to be included in the conversation and can they switch languages.

As a multilingual person myself - I can tell you that when people have a native language and are among other speakers of that language - it’s really uncomfortable and unnatural to converse in another language. It’s not just a matter of speaking fluent English or not. It’s the way you express yourself, and idioms and references.
Studies show that people’s voice and personality changes when they switch languages. So - as a monolingual person - I think you just don’t understand the issue.

However - it’s wrong to always exclude someone from conversations. And shouldn’t happen all the time.
You sound very passive though - why do you expect your H to do something when that happens - why can’t you speak up for yourself?

It is possible to mix a conversation up between two languages so a non-speaker can feel included. My dh's friends manage to do so:

I can tell you that when people have a native language and are among other speakers of that language - it’s really uncomfortable and unnatural to converse in another language. It’s not just a matter of speaking fluent English or not. It’s the way you express yourself, and idioms and references.
Studies show that people’s voice and personality changes when they switch languages. So - as a monolingual person - I think you just don’t understand the issue.

yet, @Josuk, OP is supposed to learn their language (as a beginner) and be totally comfortable in speaking that language conversationally? Rather than these people who already speak English fluently being arsed to include her?

No, she can just fucking ask them to speak english, which she so far has refused to do