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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did we have sex too soon?

91 replies

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 12:54

I guess only I can know, but I’ve been dating someone a couple of months and last Friday we had sex. I had told myself we wouldn’t do this for a while but I fancy him and like him a lot and my therapist and me have identified that I hold back in relationships and it stops them progressing. Neither the therapist or he has tried to encourage me to do this, it was my decision and I thought it was in the spirt of moving the relationship forward.

I’m now feeling a bit shit. Should I have waited longer? I wonder if it was good? I don’t know if it would have made it more special to wait but I’m not a spring chicken anymore and I wanted it to have a chance to develop rather than wait longer and find that actually it isn’t going anywhere.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have waited? I’m confused.

OP posts:

guineapig1 · 10/02/2020 12:58

Try not to overthink it! What possible benefit would waiting longer have had? Has he been in touch? If so and you like him, great - enjoy seeing where the relationship goes.

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 13:01

I’m not sure, I think it would feel safer not to have done because then it’s a less significant thing.

But I want it to be a significant thing. So I did what I thought was the natural and best thing to move it forwards.

I’m scared he might lose interest which was always possible before we had sex but it feels like it would hurt more now if he lost interest. My therapist said that that’s the risk of a relationship and you either enter into It fully or you don’t. Sex in a relationship is important to me so I figured that I should do it and stop being so guarded.

OP posts:

Samhradh · 10/02/2020 13:02

I wonder if it was good?

Well, you were there! Was it good for you?

Personally, I'm all in favour of having sex immediately, or pretty early on, to judge whether you're sexually compatible, rather than wasting time on someone you like but don't gel with sexually. And I grew out of all that sexist rhetoric about self-respect and 'making him wait' and it being 'special' a long time ago.

So I think you did the right thing, but you seem to be behaving as though you weren't in fact present at this sex, and don't know your own reactions to it.

Menora · 10/02/2020 13:03

I think you have made a bold move and it’s just something you need to process, give it time

You just wanted to build trust first and you did and it felt natural to do it

It is pretty normal to worry if you did the right thing by taking a big step like this but if you never take big steps then you are at risk of never really making yourself happy and fulfilled

Menora · 10/02/2020 13:04

I also am ok with having sex early on it is important to know I am compatible with the other person. Not just sexually but intimately

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 13:09

Yes I think that was part of it, I’m too old to be playing games or waiting for months on end. I know I like him and want to see where it goes and he has said the same to me.

He’s very very laid back though and I haven’t even heard from him today. That’s just him though and I knew that before. I like him enough to accept that as part of who he is but it does make me feel a bit more out on a limb!

OP posts:

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 13:10

The main thing is that I know I have increased the ‘hurt meter’ because if it ended now I would be far more upset than if we hadn’t had sex. And that’s the scary part I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 13:10

It was good but not totally amazing, I hadn’t had sex for over a year (he knew this)

OP posts:

TreatMyself · 10/02/2020 13:11

Have you seen him or heard from him since the sex?

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 13:17

Last time we did it was last night and I left afterwards for a night shift. Not heard from him today but that’s usual for him.

OP posts:

Menora · 10/02/2020 13:18

Ok if you are left wondering if the sex was good for him and you haven’t heard from him I can see why you are anxious. Is he not a very good communicator?

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 13:18

No he’s not a great texter. He said before I left that he’d like to meet at the weekend. But obviously I feel a bit rubbish I’ve not heard from him.

OP posts:

75Renarde · 10/02/2020 13:33

Another one here for DTD quickly precisely to avoid mismatch issues and before you get the feels.

Dont worry too much OP. Give it a little time.

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 13:41

It feels so uncertain. Not enjoying it! But I want to try and enter into it in the best way possible so I don’t automatically hold back from things.

OP posts:

mnahmnah · 10/02/2020 13:46

I don’t think it matters how soon you have sex. It’s how you feel about each other in every other way that matters.

I had sex on the first date 13 years ago. We constantly messaged and saw each other from then on. Because we had that connection and really really liked each other. Not because of the sex. Been married 9 years now with two children.

happymummy12345 · 10/02/2020 13:46

I had sex with my husband about 3 hours from when we first met. And I've had sec with exes first night too. As well as 1 night stands. So I don't see any problem at all

75Renarde · 10/02/2020 13:58

There is NOTHING worse than waiting for a message when you are feeling anxious. You do have my sympathies.

75Renarde · 10/02/2020 14:00

@happymummy12345

Another 3 hour one here too. Still together, with a 6 month break inbetween, 32 months later.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2020 14:02

Did you do it cos you wanted to or because you told yourself you had to? If the latter I can understand why you're so anxious. Remanded having sex once doesn't mean you have to do it again. You can still say no to future sex with him

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 14:15

A bit of both @sleeping

He’s not a texter and I knew that but I worry so much about things

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 10/02/2020 14:29

At some point you were going to be in this place. It's out of your hands now so time to try and relax.

TheStuffedPenguin · 10/02/2020 14:34

You are definitely overthinking this . You are trying to "manage" everything and that doesn't happen !

Original poster

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 14:37

I’m not sure how I will feel if I don’t hear from him at all!!!

OP posts:

Straycatstrut · 10/02/2020 14:38

I’m scared he might lose interest which was always possible before we had sex but it feels like it would hurt more now if he lost interest.

Better to know now than to wait a few more weeks/months, fall for him hard, have sex, then he leaves. OR have really really bad sex.

I think you did the right thing. Hope it was good for you!

Straycatstrut · 10/02/2020 14:43

You fancy him a lot and you had sex. All good OP!

I've been in this situation at uni, and the guy wouldn't leave me alone after - he literally bombarded me with phone calls, texts, turned up at my halls (he was in a completely different building 2 miles away) and a few weeks later wrote me a huge letter declaring his love, wanting marriage and kids. It was absolutely suffocating and I found it SO hard to end the relationship. Worst still, he was on my course and in a few of my classes. And everyone knew the situation! Ugh!

I think it's nice that he's giving you space and not pressurising you for more. It's healthy and respectful.

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