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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did we have sex too soon?

91 replies

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 12:54

I guess only I can know, but I’ve been dating someone a couple of months and last Friday we had sex. I had told myself we wouldn’t do this for a while but I fancy him and like him a lot and my therapist and me have identified that I hold back in relationships and it stops them progressing. Neither the therapist or he has tried to encourage me to do this, it was my decision and I thought it was in the spirt of moving the relationship forward.

I’m now feeling a bit shit. Should I have waited longer? I wonder if it was good? I don’t know if it would have made it more special to wait but I’m not a spring chicken anymore and I wanted it to have a chance to develop rather than wait longer and find that actually it isn’t going anywhere.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have waited? I’m confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 14:49

I agree it is better than being bombarded (I’ve had a lot of that in the past and not liked it).

I do wish he was a little more attentive or wanting to message today though. Even if to ask how my day is. He’s a busy man though and I know it’s not just me he’s rubbish at texting.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 10/02/2020 14:58

I know you say you're anxious but I think you're over thinking it. Try and do something to take your mind off things, anything will do.

Try to appreciate the good bits, without clouding it with anxiety. You spend time with a man you like: great. You had sex: great. Just keep life simple, it's far easier to enjoy it that way.

RedIsWhereItsAt · 10/02/2020 15:36

So you had a night shift last night, after sex? And I'm guessing you got home this morning? If I knew that I would never text at this time of day, no matter how exciting the news. He probably doesn't want to disturb your rest.

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 15:38

Yes got in around 9am. That’s not the reason he hasn’t text though. He never does, he’s rubbish at communication unless face to face.

OP posts:
ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 10/02/2020 16:20

The thing is OP, do you really want to be with someone who would lose interest in you once you had sex, or because you had sex at the "wrong" time? Do you really want a relationship where you have to agonise over every step you take in case you deviate from some kind of preapproved relationship timeline he has in his head? If he believes that there is an acceptable window in which women can initiate sex - too soon makes her "easy", too late makes her "frigid" - and then leaves that as an unspoken test for her to either pass or fail, then he's a mysogynist. If you "failed" his test by initiating sex too early but he still went with it and slept with you, knowing that he'd no longer be interested, hes a mysogynist. If he wants you to be on the back foot, constantly wondering if just being yourself and following your own intuition is acceptable, then he's a mysogynist. If he only pretends to respect and care for to trick you into sex, he's... Well you get the point. Basically, you haven't done anything wrong, except maybe smoke out a mysogynist. And you don't want one of those anyway.

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 16:24

Thanks @ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

You’re totally right. And you have to try and do what’s right and hope that it is and take a chance I suppose. His contact isn’t great anyway so I’m not surprised I’ve not heard from him really. I agree that if he doesn’t want me now then he’s been a bit shitty and I wouldn’t want that sort of person in my life. It would still hurt though.

I do worry the sex wasn’t amazing. It was good but not totally in sync and could have been better. Maybe he’s comparing

OP posts:
Mumofone1902 · 10/02/2020 16:29

In the past I insisted on waiting 3 months but with my husband we had sex the second date. If he's the right one it won't matter when you had sex. Try not to overthink it, everyone wonders if they are any good the first time with a new partner!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/02/2020 16:34

If the sex wasn't good then surely he wouldn't have done it the second time, 2 days later?

Glitterb · 10/02/2020 16:34

Try not to overthink OP! I know it’s hard when you are waiting for a message and already feeling anxious! Try to take your mind off things, I am sure he will text, if not then he is a idiot.

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 16:42

It was better the second time. But still I don’t feel like we are properly into it yet.

I hope he texts but it is nice to read these messages of support! This was a big step for me so it feels scary.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 10/02/2020 16:47

I had sex with my now husband on the first date. I think the right time is when you're ready. Sex is important to me so I want to know if we are compatible before I get too invested.

Honestly, if a guy is just in it for the sex, they will lose interest whenever it happens. My friend waited three months to have sex and never heard from him again after.

elenacampana · 10/02/2020 16:47

I’ve been where you are so I understand it. My advice is to limit how often you check your phone and do something you enjoy. I know that’s wayyyyyy easier to say than do as I was the worst for being patient when dating, but do try.

Well done for taking a big step :-)

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 16:50

It’s hard! I don’t think I will text him, he’s busy and he has never said he likes lots of contact so I don’t want to bombard him now after we’ve had sex. I’m not sure how I will feel if I don’t hear from him at all though today. Hmm.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 10/02/2020 16:52

Well done taking a brave step that was your decision!

I think 'good not great' first time is totally fine. If you choose to, you have plenty time to tune in to each other and get over any initial nervousness,

OP do you maybe have a nervousness about sex bring 'bad'? Maybe not -just an open question.... because it feels like you are wanting us to say 'it's ok'.... is sometimes the case when we have lots of 'should' ideas around sex, normally left over from childhood. (I know I had this). Anyway, if that is it, it is ok for you to want sex, enjoy it, and then say no if you don't want it anymore! You'll get full support for all of that here. Good for you for making your own decisions!

I hope you hear from him in a reassuring way, assuming you want to continue things. 🙂

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 16:54

Thank you for the nice posts! Making me feel much much calmer.

I think unless it’s absolutely brilliant then I feel they haven’t enjoyed it. That worries me as I think he will go off me! Pathetic huh.

If I get a text it certainly won’t be a reassuring one. It will be a hello how’s your day at best!

OP posts:
ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 10/02/2020 17:27

You know, it's OK to take the level of contact/communication/reassurance he's offering you, and roll that into your "do I want to be with him?" calculations. You seem to be playing this all on his terms, trying to work out if you're right for him, and if not, how can you make yourself right for him. But that's for him to figure out. Your job in the early stage of dating is to work out if he is right for you. What do you want OP. Do you want a man who's better at communicating? Was the sex good enough that you want to see him again? What are your needs and how well he meeting them? Don't try and bend yourself to fit around him. Ask yourself if this man is actually offering you what you want, and if he isn't... move on.

Also, just to add my anecdote to the chorus, my dp and I had sex on the second date, after knowing each other for 3 days, and have now been happily together for 5 years with 2 children.

Urkiddingright · 10/02/2020 17:36

I had sex with my DH on the first date, we’re still together and have a child. In fact I had sex with all three men I have had serious relationships with on the first date. If they’re the right person, when you have sex doesn’t matter at all.

ravenmum · 10/02/2020 17:39

Quite right, all you can do is be you. If he doesn't want that then you are not the one for him.

He's probably wondering what you think of him (if he is halfway decent). Was he a generous lover?

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 17:47

I’m starting to wonder if it is what I want I suppose. We did speak about contact yesterday and I joked that he’s not massively consistent with it. He said his ex had said the same and that he would try and be better at the messaging...

So far he’s not done a great job at being better at it Grin

OP posts:
moonsnake · 10/02/2020 17:48

Was about to type everything @ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings said.

bangheadhere40 · 10/02/2020 18:10

Has his texting style changed since?

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 18:16

To be fair he’s never left it a day not texting at all. Today is the first day I’ve not heard from him. Feel a bit shit about it. But that’s life isn’t it and if he doesn’t bother at least I know.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/02/2020 18:26

Let's assume that if he doesn't text it's due to shame at his poor performance!

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 18:28

Haha. Oh god if he doesn’t text I will definitely be feeling horrible. I think maybe then I need to move on. It’s not like we’ve never spoken about contact, he surely knows it’s a bit shit not message someone after sex, especially when I was worrying about it

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 10/02/2020 18:32

I've always thought its best to wait too...my mind is being changed reading this thread. If they are going to flake anyway and are that was inclined better to know sooner.

Sorry OP, I have had this happen to me as well. He will know he should be reassuring you, especially as you have mentioned contact.

Hope you are ok.

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