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Original poster

Did we have sex too soon?

91 replies

Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 12:54

I guess only I can know, but I’ve been dating someone a couple of months and last Friday we had sex. I had told myself we wouldn’t do this for a while but I fancy him and like him a lot and my therapist and me have identified that I hold back in relationships and it stops them progressing. Neither the therapist or he has tried to encourage me to do this, it was my decision and I thought it was in the spirt of moving the relationship forward.

I’m now feeling a bit shit. Should I have waited longer? I wonder if it was good? I don’t know if it would have made it more special to wait but I’m not a spring chicken anymore and I wanted it to have a chance to develop rather than wait longer and find that actually it isn’t going anywhere.

Did I do the right thing? Should I have waited? I’m confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 18:36

Thanks @bangheadhere40

I’m feeling pretty rubbish. I also feel like a complete idiot as he was so nice to me over the weekend. Said he really saw something between us and seemed eager to check things were good. This was after the first time we had sex and before the second. I don’t get it and feel totally hurt by him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 18:58

Would it be silly to end things if I don’t hear from him tonight?

I feel quite unhappy about it which makes me think I should stop this now as it’s not working for me

OP posts:
PinkSmartiesOnly · 10/02/2020 19:10

Op dont let your anxiety get the better of you.

He is probably totally oblivious to your stress and is too busy skipping around in a happy daze that he had a naughty weekend with his new lady. He wont be thinking a lot else, i wouldnt imagine.

Stay calm or text him first if you want :)

You are almost game playing by deliberately not texting to seem cool, when that isnt how you feel at all.

Im sure everything is fine though - youre just feeling vulnerable, but he wont be as hes a man. Im sure nothing has changed for him.

ravenmum · 10/02/2020 19:10

If you do, he might think you just used him for sex and/or he was so bad that you couldn't run out of the bedroom fast enough.
I think in your position I'd want to meet up again if just to look at him before breaking it off, as sometimes I get an idea about someone in my head, but when I see them again in person I realise I was overthinking things.
But it does sound like you've slept with him faster than you really wanted to because you felt you should. That would make me unhappy about continuing it, as if I'd have to continue playing a role that didn't suit me.

RedIsWhereItsAt · 10/02/2020 19:11

Don't end it tonight. Just wait and see.

byefeliciabye · 10/02/2020 19:13

Hi OPThanksI'm so sorry you're going through this, it's awful waiting in anticipation for a text! Especially after something that you were nervous to do in the first place.

If you really like him, apart from his lack of communication, could you possibly have a serious conversation about his inconsistency in contact? And how it's made you feel on this occasion?

I do feel that if he doesn't up his game on the contact front and you find yourself increasingly unhappy or anxious then perhaps you two are incompatible in that department. Some people need more contact than others, I certainly do and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I hope he messages you soon and you find a way forward.

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 19:16

Thanks everyone.

I feel really sad about it. We did talk about communication yesterday in a lighthearted way and he said it’s just always how it’s been and that he would try and be better at it. It wasn’t a serious conversation really but I would have thought he’d message today in light of it

OP posts:
ChickenDippers123 · 10/02/2020 19:18

Why don’t you text him?

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 19:19

Feeling like a right dick as I posted him a CD today for his car that we were talking about over the weekend and that he wanted but couldn’t find online (yes he has an old car!).

OP posts:
YogaLite · 10/02/2020 19:23

Please stop overthinking. He might still be in touch and u need to pretend to be so busy u hardly noticed the time.

Even if you have to chalk it up to experience, so be it. Yes, it's hard to let hopes go but u need to grow thick skin and move on if u have to.

I hadn't had sex at one point for years but never disclosed how long and you don't have to tell anyone the whole life story too early on.

keepingbees · 10/02/2020 19:23

I'm torn on this because on one hand I think you're letting your mind run away with you and it would be a shame to end a potentially good relationship over this.

On the other hand there's nothing wrong with wanting some communication if you're that kind of person. A quick text takes seconds, he could just let you know he's thinking of you, especially after you conveyed this to him. So maybe you're not well matched.
Me and my DH have always texted everyday since we met. He gets very busy at work and is quieter some days than others but I will always hear from him at some point. I wouldn't like it if I never did.

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 19:24

I kind of wish if he’s not interested he said so and then I can draw a line under this. I feel a bit in limbo.

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 10/02/2020 19:27

Good grief woman, start suffering like that if you don’t hear from him by tomorrow.

Don’t overthink sex, or put such a huge emphasis on what is the meaning of it, he will notice and it may scare him off.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 10/02/2020 19:30

I think most men, unless seriously socially impaired, understand that no contact after sex is a shitty thing to do. If its not working for you OP then move on. You don't have to settle for crumbs of affection.

I dated a lot of men over the years who were "bad communicators" and always had terrible anxiety about how the relationships were going. When I met my dp he was 100% consistent and enthusiastic with contact from day 1 and guess what? I was never anxious, never "needy", or any of the rest of it. I realised that those other relationships had had lots of signs that things weren't right, but I wanted them to work so badly that I put the problem onto myself instead. So instead of "my feelings are fine, this relationship is wrong" it became "everything's fine in the relationship, but I'm fucking it up/imagining things because of my anxiety". It was never me, it was them. I wanted things to work so I gaslit myself. I told myself everything was fine and I was just going crazy.

I'd have a heart to heart with yourself OP about what kind of relationship you want to be in and whether this man is the one to give it to you.

oncemorewithfeeling99 · 10/02/2020 19:30

Text him. My (now) husband did this to me. He is actually a good communicator but it just didn’t occur to him I’d be feeling vulnerable. Text him. Text him.

drivingtofrance · 10/02/2020 19:35

I'd text him. Nothing serious. Just hi.

If not you're going to worry yourself all of tonight.

Blandandull · 10/02/2020 19:39

I think this is just telling me he’s not right for me, as sad as that makes me feel.

I feel like he’s played me as he said some nice things yesterday, like he wanted to see where things went with us. I don’t get that after knowing I felt vulnerable about sex AND after talking about communication, he could not bother to contact me today even with a short text. It makes me draw the conclusion that he wishes he hadn’t done it and doesn’t want to see me again.

Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 19:40

I think I maybe need to jist address it with him and ask him upfront if he’s still bothered? Is that a bad move?

OP posts:
Original poster
Blandanddull · 10/02/2020 19:41

*just

OP posts:
TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 10/02/2020 19:41

A what time of the day does he normally gets in touch?

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 10/02/2020 19:43

Yes, it is a bad move, send something casual or don’t send anything, otherwise he would assume you are expecting him to marry you and give you children just because you had a little fumble in bed. You would come too strong.

IAmBeatrixKiddo · 10/02/2020 19:48

It's a bad move OP. I know you are feeling bad but it will make you feel worse!
Take some power back for yourself. Torturing yourself like this is a form of self harm really. Decide that you're not going to do it. I bet he's not.

ravenmum · 10/02/2020 19:51

If a bloke asked me that if I was no longer bothered just because I hadn't written for a day I'd think he was not ready to be dating, and think that maybe I should end it before he potentially got weird.

GummyGoddess · 10/02/2020 19:51

I didn't realise you were meant to wait Blush

So that means that ending up in your underwear in bed on the first date is possibly slightly quick?

ravenmum · 10/02/2020 19:52

Ask if his CD has got there yet. And ask yourself whether you are ready to be dating.