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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help: Ex husband abusive and new husband awful

82 replies

ralphchats1 · 10/02/2020 01:17

I’m in a very difficult situation and looking for advice.

I am currently in family court against my ex husband who was abusive. I stupidly started a new relationship too soon and I remarried in September of last year. My new husband is lazy selfish and contributes nothing financially. He also seems to dislike my son. He refuses to help me parent. My son must have picked up on this and my ex husband saw a gap and pounced in through a steady campaign Of manipulation last January. Fast forward 6 months and my son decides he wants to live at abusive dads. This gives my ex husband the push he needs to start a custody case against me to then take my daughter who is happy and settled. New husband gets lazier and worse taking everything for granted. I become very unhappy. I still am.

I want him to leave but I’m terrified how this will look in family court. My ex has hurt my daughter and we now have cafcass involved. It’s been going on 9 months In court and it’s ruining my life, it’s seemingly endless and I’m unrepresented. But I also realise that my husband is not the man I can be with as I blame him for my son going And he’s not a stepdad. Nowhere near as much as I blame myself.

I am working part time to supplement the income paid by ex as part of settlement while new husband sits on his arse all day. I feel like screaming but I also think I will lose my daughter in case asking him to go means I’m unstable. Help! I seem to have made a terrible mistake!

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 10/02/2020 01:19

If your child wants to leave your home because of your current husband, then staying with him will make you look awful in court.

morrisseysquif · 10/02/2020 01:23

Leave the useless new husband and focus on your children and their needs. Cafcass is there to protect the children and support you, but the children are paramount.

Why do you need a man in your life, put your children first, not your need for a man in your life.

Original poster
ralphchats1 · 10/02/2020 01:23

Will I be judged even further for being a single mum and ending the marriage so quickly? For creating more instability. That is my concern.

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 10/02/2020 01:27

No OP, you will be considered as someone that recognises an unhealthy romantic relationship and leaves it. Your ex was abusive so you left him and your husband now is not supportive of your son so you want to leave. It will make you look better in their eyes. Please leave and keep your children safe away from the clutches of your abusive ex

Original poster
ralphchats1 · 10/02/2020 01:36

Well it would be me throwing him out tbhvas it’s my house but I actually think life would be easier. I must have been in a daze when I met him and recognise that after a horrible marriage I clearly went for any affection I could (mistake). He has brought nothing to my life but shit. The way he is with my son though, it’s unforgivable I’m afraid, he’s just always saying he is like his father which is awful. The reason I am posting here at 1.30 am is that I’m ill today and he’s asked me to leave the room as I’m being noisy because I can hardly breathe. Of course in the morning it will be me that gets my daughter up and ready for school not him. He will lie in my bed while I then go and do a 8 hour shift. I wanted some other people’s opinion on how this may look to family court which has not been kind.

OP posts:
Original poster
ralphchats1 · 10/02/2020 01:37

tbh as it’s my house

OP posts:
Original poster
ralphchats1 · 10/02/2020 01:39

I was trying to correct my extra v there in the Spelling mistake in the post but it’s bolded it lol making me look shouty 😂😂 sorry!

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 10/02/2020 02:10

If it is your house, OP, all the more reason to get rid of your new husband asap. Because the longer you are together, the more he is entitled to part of your house. Though his treatment of your son should be reason enough

Techway · 10/02/2020 02:57

What stage are you at at in legal proceedings? Have cafcass met your children yet and how old are they?

I would suggest you seek advice from Womens aid however you need to put right this mistake as the longer it goes on the worse it could be financially, which could risk your home.

You could make the case that you want to live alone and focus on your children.
Will your new husband move out?

I am sorry you are in this mess but hopefully you will get free and can start to rebuild your relationship with your son.

TwilightPeace · 10/02/2020 03:49

OP you need to end your marriage and get him out of your house.
Having an abusive man in your house who is horrible to your kids is not ok and will make you look terrible in court.

Get him out and regain some control over your life.

Mrsmummy90 · 10/02/2020 04:02

I agree with the pp's.
Kick him out ASAP and start divorce proceedings. Keeping him around when he's horrible to your son will only make you look worse in court. The divorce will show that you're once again putting your children first.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/02/2020 04:28

I agree with everyone else. You’ve married a parasite, who treats your child(ren) abysmally.

Yes, you need to get him out ASAP. With such a short marriage, he won’t have much of a claim on your finances so you should hopefully have a clean break.

Poor you, fighting two horrible men and fighting for your children. I hope you manage to find peace.

copperoliver · 10/02/2020 04:37

Leave your husband and try to get your son back too. I'm sure it would look better if you were on your own with both your children and happy and safe. X

copperoliver · 10/02/2020 04:38

If it's your house make him leave. X

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 10/02/2020 05:17

Yes, I think you should kick him out. It will show the court that you're putting the DC first. If questioned you can explain your bad decision to remarry as simply as you have here.

avocadoincident · 10/02/2020 05:32

Contact women's aid today.

Your current problems are directly linked to your previous abusive relationship.

Tell women's aid you do not have representation too.

Are you scared to tell the new husband to leave?

Original poster
ralphchats1 · 10/02/2020 07:31

Thankyou so much for your sensible advice.

I have been barely sleeping with this.

Something is stopping me telling him to leave. Astoundingly my domestic violence worker for my first relationship has said that I shouldn’t tell him to leave as it will look bad to the court. He has been sat by my side as all these agencies have visited. So despite being a parasite he looks super supportive. He isn’t obviously abusive the new husband just a lazy complacent user who has never grown up and is a skilled manipulator. Yesterday he told me to give up and that I will never progress if I hang on to my old life. He sat and told me he thought I would lose my case.

Cafcass have met my children and we have just changed judge but I’m not hopeful. My ex husband has retained all the assets and has great representation. Cafcass have given a favourable report to me. We are at the stage where we have both submitted allegations for a fact finding hearing. This hearing should have happened 9 months ago, instead we have had a horrible sexist judge who has done all in his power to make my daughter see her father. Thankfully cafcass have said no overnight contact until after fact finding.

It’s a mess. I know it’s all related to my old relationship. I can’t believe DV workers are telling me to stay in this. I’m pretty sure it’s obvious to my daughter that we are so unhappy.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 10/02/2020 07:36

Your DV worker is shit.

Get a new one.

crystalize · 10/02/2020 07:37

Your new husband is the cause of making your son miserable. How sad. Its your house. Dont ask him to leave. Tell him to fuck off out of there pronto. This is urgent, it will massively put you in favour with the courts if it shows you are putting your children first.

Also talk to your DS about it all, show him you are willing to do anything to put his needs first, that you made a mistake marrying. Good luck you can do it!

Bananalanacake · 10/02/2020 07:42

What excuse does he have for not working. Did he work when you met him. Yes he should leave as it's not his house.

poopbear · 10/02/2020 07:48

Have you got a solicitor? Have you seen a solicitor?

Original poster
ralphchats1 · 10/02/2020 07:51

Any excuse he can grab to be honest but none of them are real it’s past that. He is insisting he must stay to finish this art project (which is work but questionable and the last week he 2 years ago too 2 years to complete) it hasn’t started yet. But having his negative atmosphere around is not worth the pennies I will get towards the house If anything. I don’t believe him anymore it’s been so long sat playing computer games doing nothing.

He didn’t work when he met me but made out he did. He says I should have known he didn’t work so he isn’t not delivering on anything as he gave me no assurances. He’s literally a child.

OP posts:
Lipz · 10/02/2020 07:59

As others have said it would be better to get him out and end the marriage. They will of course prefer that you have your children's best interest at heart. If your ex has wind that your current h is a lazy bastard and is saying what he is to your child then he'll run with that, he'll make sure the judge knows you are staying in a toxic marriage and putting your children through his nastiness. Your DV worker is an arse, can you get a different one ?

CrazyMoma · 10/02/2020 08:02

Get rid of your husband & invest your time & energy in your relationship with your son. Good luck OP Flowers

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/02/2020 08:17

Your child dislikes your husband so much that he wants to leave your family home. Think about that.

If your husband wasn't there, your child might not want to leave.