Help: Ex husband abusive and new husband awful

[ralphchats1]

I’m in a very difficult situation and looking for advice.

I am currently in family court against my ex husband who was abusive. I stupidly started a new relationship too soon and I remarried in September of last year. My new husband is lazy selfish and contributes nothing financially. He also seems to dislike my son. He refuses to help me parent. My son must have picked up on this and my ex husband saw a gap and pounced in through a steady campaign Of manipulation last January. Fast forward 6 months and my son decides he wants to live at abusive dads. This gives my ex husband the push he needs to start a custody case against me to then take my daughter who is happy and settled. New husband gets lazier and worse taking everything for granted. I become very unhappy. I still am.

I want him to leave but I’m terrified how this will look in family court. My ex has hurt my daughter and we now have cafcass involved. It’s been going on 9 months In court and it’s ruining my life, it’s seemingly endless and I’m unrepresented. But I also realise that my husband is not the man I can be with as I blame him for my son going And he’s not a stepdad. Nowhere near as much as I blame myself.

I am working part time to supplement the income paid by ex as part of settlement while new husband sits on his arse all day. I feel like screaming but I also think I will lose my daughter in case asking him to go means I’m unstable. Help! I seem to have made a terrible mistake!

OP

DO NOT underestimate how many poison pills there are running around in support positions. You have been unlucky.

Remove H from house. Today. Stay firm. Give it a day or so then begin to inform everyone he is gone and please dont let him back. Ever.

I think this is savalgable. But you must act now.

You jumped from one abuser to another. That's sadly common. Where is your DV support worker from? Is she qualified in anything?

Why do you think being a single parent is worse for children than living with an abusive man? That makes no sense.

@user

Cognitive dissonance. At the start she was told one thing and because OP is currently being abused her Emotional Thinking is very high.

Because the advice she gave you is terrifyingly bad. I suppose it doesn't matter either way but I wondered if she's dangerously inept despite training and qualifications or because she lacks them.

You ever done the Freedom Programme?

Why are you unrepresented?

OP couldn't you get a second opinion from somewhere official regarding how it will affect your case? Your dcs might feel happier staying if new dh leaves. Surely they have say where they live over your ex? Really feel for you OP. Look you've made a mistake. It's not over till it's over. Itwm I'd kick the bum out and fight for your kids. Stay strong. If you explain in court that you were on the rebound etc but have kicked him out for you and dcs who could argue with that?

You'll be judged badly if you don't leave your 2nd husband. Courts will only look at what's best for the dc.

Agree. Give the boot to your H.
Focus only on yourself and your children.

OP, how old are your children?

Has the DV worker said why she thinks you should not kick him out?

I think you need to speak to Women’s Aid very quickly.

I would also speak with a solicitor: women’s aid might recommend one, because to add to your difficulties there may be problems getting a spouse out of the house, married rights to property etc. Which is why you need to act fast!

I would also look into Family Therapy with your children. You say your ex has hurt your Dd? Physically? Have you got a social worker?

This must all seem very daunting, but the sooner you get help and advice the sooner you will have the kind of support that counts.

OP this is a mess, you're right.

Why are you unrepresented if this is a DV case? You should be entitled to legal aid. You can check your Legal Aid eligibility here.

You can get free court representation from places like Advocate (used to be called the Pro Bono Unit). You need proper legal advice pronto. Have you contacted Rights of Women? Other places to contact would be a legal clinic like Lawworks. You can search for your local clinic here.

Your IDVA is giving you good advice as it will look badly on you in court to be leaving another awful relationship so soon. However as pp have pointed out, you're in a bind as your child doesn't want to live with your current partner and this is on you, OP.

The new husband has to go ,Pack his bags ,send him on his way ,file for divorce ASAP. Less chance of him getting a share of your house the quicker you divorce
be open and honest with officials
When he’s gone ,your children will be happier at home ,taking the wind out of the sails of your ex husband

Why aren’t you getting representation? Because he was abusive you should qualify for legal aid.

Although the op says it’s her house it’s not that simple really as kick him out. They are married.

You will be judged either way.
The question you have to ask yourself is what you think is in the best interests to the children.
End the marriage or keep him around.

Do the Freedom program.

Work on yourself and provide what your children need. You don’t need a man to do this.
Yes I understand it’s hard if your not having sex. But that’s what hotels, babysitters and places like Tinder are designed for. Even better arrange when they are in school 😝

Ignore the rubbish advice!

1 Ditch the husband & five fur divorce
2 be honest with all agencies re why you have ended the relationship
3 focus on your children & yourself. Apologise to your son for not putting him before the husband
4 register for the freedom programme & no more dating until you se in a good place!

Good luck

I am representing myself because I have ran out of money but even with it being a domestic violence case I am still means tested and the payments my ex is giving as my half of a nearly 20 year marriage mean I am over the threshold.

Despite this I am in debt now with a loan for the legal fees I’ve already had to pay. Hence the additional job. I am studying as a law student. My planned career change pist divorce.

My children are 10 and 12. The damage is done with my son he left early last year to live with his dad. Can only hope there might be a chance of him coming back.

*post not pist!

I did the freedom programme I’m now on another one called the gateway programme. I’m quite well versed in DV but seem to have picked a tool and then committed to him like a total idiot. I believed all he said before we were married. Believe me I’m aware of how stupid the decisions I’ve made are.

There are no issues re a man or dating by the way. I am entirely focussed on my case and my children, when I’m not doing that I’m either working or working on myself. I am the sole payer and Earner here so I’m not dependant on a man. I don’t feel the need to date. I am undertaking the neccessary work on myself and having huge realisations along the way. But through this I realise I’ve made a terrible mistake.

OP get legal advice today or organise an appointment with one of the law clinics cited above.

Rights of Women:

Family law
We have two family law advice lines, one national and one for women in London.

Both lines can advise you on:

domestic violence and abuse
divorce, finances and property on relationship breakdown
cohabitation, finances and property on relationship breakdown
parental responsibility and arrangements for children
lesbian parenting
. National family law line
This line is for women in England and Wales who need family law advice.

Call: 020 7251 6577
Opening hours:

Tues – Thurs 7pm – 9pm

Friday 12pm-2pm

The line is closed on bank holidays

1. London family law line

This line is for women living or working in London who need family law advice, as part of the Ascent project, funded by London Councils.

Call: 020 7608 1137

Opening hours:

Monday 11am – 1pm

Tuesday 2pm-4pm

Wednesday & Thursdays 10am-12pm, 2pm-4pm

The line is closed on bank holidays

Try to get a referral for Advocate - you can't apply directly.

Contact the National Debtline regarding the legal debts. They may be able to help you negotiate lower repayments or advise you of other options available.

Another organisation you can contact today is Gingerbread: 0808 802 0925 They can't give legal advice but they may be able to signpost you to relevant agencies.

Thankyou I will call can I just check they can help and it’s 7pm until 9pm in the evening for the number ending 6577? Have I read right. I am not in London.

I'm sorry for what you've been through with your ex.

But he isn't to blame for your son leaving, you are. You've stayed with another unsuitable man, knowing the affect he was having on your son, when you should have left.
Saying you are angry at your husband because you blame him for losing your son is directing your anger in the wrong direction. You knew their relationship was bad. But you did nothing about it. If you'd left, you'd have your son. But you stayed.

Your husband is who he is. He might be lazy and unsuitable but you picked him. If you'd have dated him for longer before rushing ahead then you'd have known that prior to marriage. Why should he change for you? That's his personality. But what you SHOULD change is the presence of that personality in your children's lives.

You're still minimising and dithering over whether to go, despite losing your son because of this.
STAYING is what is going to make you look like an unsuitable mother in court, not leaving.

Go. Now. Before your 'happy and settled' daughter leaves as well.

If you're not in London:

Call: 020 7251 6577
Opening hours:

Tues – Thurs 7pm – 9pm

Friday 12pm-2pm

They're oversubscribed so keep trying. Have your bundle to hand.

That's tomorrow, in the meantime check out if you are eligible for free representation from Advocate. You need a referral to them from another agency such as CABx or a Law Centre. If eligible, organise an appointment with a relevant agency to get that organised asap.

If you are not eligible, your local CABx or Law Centre may be able to signpost you to another place that offers pro bono help.

Your new husband dislikes your son? He needs to go. It will not reflect badly. Your children will be relieved and happier for it.

Oh fgs you need to leave the new husband. Quite simply you have rubbish choice of men so keep away from them from now on.
Set yourself up as a single mother and put your children first.
You work so keep concentrating on that area and improve your working situation and money.
You will look better as a single independent parent putting your children first than someone who is so scared to be single they keep marrying unsuitable men.
You will also be happier and have a better life.

Thankyou for the help I cannot tell you how much it’s out my mind at rest.

I am grateful. I can see that keeping this awful situation going is a much worse option.

I want to be on my own anyway I realise it was better before. Just me and the kids.

Your DS is old enough to have a say in where he lives.

The advice above and resources is spot on and I wouldn't wait another day to get started on getting rid of the lazy CL.

I imagine your DS will want to stay with you once you get rid of the dead weight loser.

Please kick him out. Be brave, for your daughter - and maybe even your son?