Help: Ex husband abusive and new husband awful

[ralphchats1]

I’m in a very difficult situation and looking for advice.

I am currently in family court against my ex husband who was abusive. I stupidly started a new relationship too soon and I remarried in September of last year. My new husband is lazy selfish and contributes nothing financially. He also seems to dislike my son. He refuses to help me parent. My son must have picked up on this and my ex husband saw a gap and pounced in through a steady campaign Of manipulation last January. Fast forward 6 months and my son decides he wants to live at abusive dads. This gives my ex husband the push he needs to start a custody case against me to then take my daughter who is happy and settled. New husband gets lazier and worse taking everything for granted. I become very unhappy. I still am.

I want him to leave but I’m terrified how this will look in family court. My ex has hurt my daughter and we now have cafcass involved. It’s been going on 9 months In court and it’s ruining my life, it’s seemingly endless and I’m unrepresented. But I also realise that my husband is not the man I can be with as I blame him for my son going And he’s not a stepdad. Nowhere near as much as I blame myself.

I am working part time to supplement the income paid by ex as part of settlement while new husband sits on his arse all day. I feel like screaming but I also think I will lose my daughter in case asking him to go means I’m unstable. Help! I seem to have made a terrible mistake!

What's your plan to oust lazy bastard husband OP?

Yes you have screwed up. Get rid of this man. I will be blunt - whatever the niceties of support, you need to get a grip - what you have described means that you can be portrayed as being unstable in either event. A skilled barrister is going to fillet you for your poor judgment if you go to a finding of fact hearing for access. The judge may or may not have been sexist: you do not want to go to another hearing with this situation hanging over you. It makes your perception look flawed. Abuse can affect you badly for years afterwards and I can completely see how this may have happened but you need some professional legal help immediately.

You need to avoid getting painted as an accuser; is that unfair? Yes. Does it happen? Yes.

Ditch this man. Get therapy immediately for your experience of domestic abuse, seek help via your GP first (not the Freedom Programme - which is brilliant but isn’t going to help here), and get a direct access barrister to help you.

By the time you get to court your strategy looks like this;

1. useless ex gone - no reconciliation, no tearful moments, just GONE
2. you have addressed your own poor judgment and have made excellent progress in therapy as a result
3. you have maintained a stable home for both your children
4. you are seeking to secure a better future via the law (but do not say anything like you want to be a family lawyer or involve yourself in women’s issues)
5. Show copious evidence of this stability and how this change in your son’s behaviour is recent

Best of luck. Courts are good places if you plan. But you need to address this points and a neutral fashion. If you really are going to be a lawyer, you will find you can instruct your barrister easily.

Great advice from @LexMitior

Wow. Your advice has made my day.

I have accessed therapy via my GP and I attend next weds after waiting 6 months for PTSD therapy. I reported my ex husband to the police in July for coercive control, he was still being abusive and was impersonating me online, he is (hopefully) about to be interviewed/arrested but it’s taking forever. Cafcass are aware they submitted a 16A assessment to my judge. So it isn’t all in ex’s favour. However the decision to let my son go to his dads is impacting horrendously on my keeping my daughter here with me.

I am currently in the gateway programme week 3 for domestic violence. I have engaged with every agency and service offered. I am still unrepresented but I was writing my statement today. I haven’t addressed the husband situation yet within this.

My son wants to stay with his dad at present but I believe this is also down to the husband situation here. No comment needed I know. My husband (new) has been sat with me at Agency meetings etc and everyone is under the impression he is great other than me, my son and my entire family. I disclosed to them he hadn’t ever contributed financially the other day. The court are not aware of my situation I only became aware myself at Xmas. I got to the point I couldn’t cope with living with someone who does nothing.

So you believe I should instruct a direct access barrister and pay for it? Or is there another way. I cannot thank you enough for your help and clear understanding on this subject.

You need to change the narrative in court which is that you are not reliable. None of those things you cite mean very much for children- the fact that your ex was abusive to you isn’t going to change what the court thinks. They will be thinking - why is this woman okay to send her son to this man, but not the daughter. Do you have an answer to that? You are in real trouble if your answer is “he hasn’t hurt my son”. Bad answer.

You might think you can do it by yourself. I am saying that you need to imagine that this is an adverbial system in the end. You are giving this ex of yours all the ammunition he needs to have pretty unfettered access to your children; it sounds like you are well on the way to that happening already.

You can not rely on the court to pick your case out of the facts and assertions. A lot of people are utterly burnt by the family courts because they think the court will see the case. That is a naive way to think - your ex might be cleared and there’s no more action.

What will you do then? Please think ahead. You need to have thought about these things and a barrister or lawyer can help greatly in this.

My honest answer of why my son is there is this, he started to become very difficult and the husband would not pitch in to deal with it. I started my degree and it was much harder than I imagined. Ex husband continued to gain ground and be abusive it all got too much and I contacted family support for help on the advice of my doctor who was worried about the stress of the situation. My son detached further and then announced he wanted to live with his dad. I stupidly let him go, thinking that was what he wanted.

My ex is nastier to girls than boys and does treat them differently in truth. Leaving him was made very difficult. You’re totally right re the findings, there might be a situation where he is totally cleared.

As I stopped contact because my daughter told me about a physical incident I am also in trouble for that. Contact is not overnight until findings are made. I’ve made grave mistakes.

His case is parental alienation against me because I stopped contact. The court are not taking his case as seriously as physical assault to daughter but it’s gathering speed as I stopped contact. The usual crap about I’m obstructive and it’s just high conflict not abuse.

I will have a think of what to do and see what I can scrape together for legal representation. Do you still think hoof the new husband out (courts view?) I think I have to but so concerned as of course this looks even more unstable. I don’t know what I’m fighting for these days as the family court believe his lies.

I’m so so grateful for your help.

I am surprised that you expected some new bloke your rushed to marry to start parenting your DS. Some stranger that his mother has brought into his home. You have truly mucked up both your DC....I am not sure how your going to resolve this mess.

Sorry I disagree that I’ve mucked up both my children they have had 11 steady years of good parenting I’ve been lucky enough to be able to collect them from school morning and night and been there for them always. This was before my life was turned upside down which I didn’t ask for and it wasn’t my fault. I’m looking for helpful advice here. I believe with sensible steps it’s salvageable and if not then I accept that and I’ll be paying for that mistake for the rest of my life. I was with my current partner a year and a half before we married. Yeah it was a mistake as I’ve said copious times above. I didn’t pull him off the streets. You clearly don’t understand the destruction and lasting damage domestic violence creates for families champagne and fromage. I did expect a parent yes and said very clearly to husband he was marrying all of us. My mistake.

Oh actually I am very familiar with DV having had a father who beat my mother. So I understand what abusers and the impact abusers have in DC. Hence my concerns for your DC...

champagneandfromage50 It is good that you give the point of view of the children in this, but your mother and this poster have also been severely affected by living with an abusive man. I have a friend who was severely harmed by living with an emotionally abusive man for eleven years and still has the scars many years later.

But, OP, please take even the criticisms here as productive and fight for your children

I am taking these good constructive criticisms and acting on them. I have to say I am bowled over by the great advice-Thankyou so much all if you. I’m pretty frightened tbh and was probably over sensitive earlier as I’m full of cold Feelibg shit and the situation at home is driving me mad. I have reinstructed my solicitor and a barrister. I’ve asked my dad to lend me some money to help. I cannot afford it but found myself lost in the statement yesterday. As for the husband I slept in my sons room again last night and we had the same discussion we have had for months “you are indifferent to my kids and clearly have no time for my son”. I just want my children back and for my time in family court to be done. I have taken everyone’s comments however they have made me feel on board.

OP, please also see a lawyer. I am really concerned that since you got married it is not your house. It could now be joint property with your H. That's what marriage is.

But if you act fast, after such a short marriage and given that you need to house at least one child, it would be very unfair for a divorce court to give him much of a share. Has he been paying the mortgage?

It will make you look better to the court if you get rid of your useless husband. But more importantly it will show your son that your dh behaviour is unacceptable.

Kick your useless parasitehusband out. Tell the lazy twat that the free ridemarriage is over. File for divorce. If you have reinstructed your solicitor / barrister in custody proceedings then take the opportunity to sort a divorce out as well. Put yourself and the welfare of your children first.

Totally agree with “yappity yap” , look after your children and yourself.. best of luck.

coyo yeah the woman does also suffer when she has an abuser husband/boyfriend. However, that’s her choice to stay with him, however hard and scary etc etc leaving the abuser is, it’s still her choice as an adult to stay in that situation. Children that are forced to live in unsafe, abusive households will be damaged for life. Adrenaline flooding our developing bodies, living in terror, felling you have to protect your mother from her choice in men, then the anger comes. The child made to live in an abusive home has no choice, they cannot help themselves, so really ‘but the woman suffers too!’ is secondary to that. The woman who birthed me made me live in an abusive house for almost a decade, she was ‘scared’. Not as scared as I was. I suffer every day because of her choice to not keep me safe.

@CustomerCervixDepartment is right - the psychological damage can be lifelong.

The resentment of children who grow up and consider their mothers did not protect can lead to another kind of alienation. Children judge their parents and they do not forget these things.

@CustomerCervixDepartment. Sorry, I certainly didn't mean to minimize.
My dd had a baby with an abusive man who held the 2-month-old baby while he screamed at and attacked my dd. Fortunately dd finished the relationship there and then but the baby sounded angry every time she cried for the next two weeks.

The impact of that one incident on her was quite impressive and makes me terrified for the fate of children repeatedly exposed to such things.

@LexMitior Your advice was great. I told my husband to leave today again. I threw him out at Christmas for 3 days as he was sat playing call of duty as I prepared my statement for court agsinst ex husband on Christmas Day when my daughter went to bed. It was my worst unhappiest Christmas ever. My sister came up and packed his stuff at the time she hates him and when I said about the debts he bought to our marriage and how he had treated us all she was so angry. After that I drew up a separation agreement via my solicitor having already been through 1 awful divorce, and this took money from the children’s case putting me back in the position of self representation. Anyway it had to be done as the house is in my name and I don’t want issues for the children or to lose my house. He convinced me back then he would try to be better, he didn’t he’s still lazy and rude. It’s effectively a financial agreement and today he signed it finally. He asked me for the wedding rings back immediately. My mum laughed as this was the only thing he ever bought for me. I have paid for everything else I mean everything the man has no pride. I’m the fool though for doing this. Its a long road ahead and this separation will not go down well in family court I’m sure; but I’m so hopeful for the difference it will make to my time when my son visits to not have husbands negative presence here. Enjoying the time I do have is a good place to start. I want to say thanks to you all for waking me up, I have some hope. Not much but some.

Tell him to leave NOW op.

CAFCASS, your ex, your son and probably your daughter can all see this man is awful. By sticking by him, you look equally awful and not putting your kids first.

Do it now.

Well done OP. I’m not minimising how hard this will be in amongst at the other shit you have going on. I have no doubt visitation will be better!!

And how nice to come home from work and not be resentful that the lazy shit has done nothing. Enjoy your new life 💓

I think you have made your mind up and know he needs to go . I would try to be kind to yourself .You have made a mistake ,probably from feeling that after an abusive ex you were desperate for another relationship .This is a common mistake . You are doing all the right things and need to focus on your future now .Sending hugs to you Hoping all gets better for you now xx

Hello all

I just thought of this thread as I sat thinking because of my breakup a little on how and why I got here.

Well I did all the necessaries and I threw him out. It took 3 months of him staying until the very last minute and the very day before quarantine he left. I’m sad but nowhere near as sad as I thought I would be.

I had a car accident a few weeks ago. My ex husband came to the scene, we hadn’t spoken for 9 months, and he and his new partner helped out with the kids etc as it was a bad one. Kids and I are fine. My new husband, having signed the separation agreement by this point was nowhere to be seen. When I called him from the ambulance he explained that his car was a two seater. Over the weeks I saw more and more self serving behaviour. I am of course pretty upset at the moment as I do miss him but my older stepdaughter is quarantining with us and it’s fab for my little daughter to have big sister here. Everyone is happier really, apart from new husband (now gone) who still is texting to say that I will never be happy and my kids are so much of a problem. They aren’t. It’s in his head. The guy registered on match.com using my credit card the day after he left. I’ll leave that there!

It’s a strange time but all in all since he has left/pending leaving relations have improved with my ex husband (as many of you will know it’s extremely hard to sever a connection when you have child contact) and my kids are much happier. Don’t think my son knows yet if new hubby’s departure but he will find out as my daughter visits this weekend. I expect to have a happier son too.

I am still in family court but the ex and I are reaching more of a fair agreement as I think the guy could see the day of the accident just how much he had wrecked areas of my life. The talk cleared the air and I decided to drop a lot of the anger and hatred I was carrying towards him. It’s done. I took your advice all if you regarding a barrister and I’m broke to prove it but at least represented! I hope that as we have reached an agreement stage this will maybe be the final hearing.

Hope this might help someone in a similar situation and stay safe ladies. Thanks for everything.

X

I am so pleased to hear that you fee steadier now. And that you are obviously making progress to a better life, despite this accident.

Wishing you more success in the future.

This is why I've had it with men tbh. A lot of them are mean and selfish. can you just live alone for a bit?