I left my marriage for him - he didn’t return the favour

[Ladywit]

Two years ago, I met a married man whilst I was also married. It had been a long and unhappy marriage for me and this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late.
Although I was very cautious when I met him and didn’t sleep with him until a year after meeting, he broke down my defences completely. Meeting him put my already troubled marriage on a downward spiral and, egged on by this man in whom I found both a lover and a friend, I filed for divorce last year. He also claimed to be stuck in a very unhappy marriage, made promises and constantly referred to our future together. Although I told myself that he’s merely played the role of a catalyst, deep down I know I left the marriage to make a legitimate place for him in my life.
With the breakdown of the marriage came many challenges, most of all financial as my ex managed to transfer everything to offshore accounts and I have been struggling with single motherhood and a full time job. But I was still relieved to have taken this step and it seemed to me that I had found true love in the process.
However, when I pressed for him to take similar measures and make it possible for us to embark on the future HE had spoken about since the beginning, he didn’t seem to be able to follow through. After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.
I’m weeping as I write this and hurting so deeply. I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else. It has left me broken and questioning everything. I’m also feeling an immense amount of rage and wondering how it could be that I was hoodwinked by someone I considered the love of my life.
While it is true that we were both married when we met, I didn’t sleep with him until I had decided I was going to leave my marriage, and had taken steps towards it. Perhaps I should have demanded the same of him? I just was so certain it was only a matter of time before he would do that as he was always the one talking about us getting married. I suppose I trusted him.
The penduluming has also confused me, I know he felt genuinely conflicted about breaking his family unit but I feel furious about how he went about with it and prolonged the pain and confusion for me. It feels like he was struggling and trying to wean himself off me. Even during our last conversation he implied he was going to extricate himself from his marriage and come find me, whilst also saying that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best.
But you see, the thing is, that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.
In my moments of anger, I feel I ought to tell her so that she at least knows what she’s dealing with and bending over backwards for. I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life and is enjoying being wooed back by his wife on top of it all. It feels massively unfair both to me and her and I feel certain he will repeat what he did to me with another woman.
In other words, I feel affronted and my sense of justice demands that he be punished in some way.
I’m aware that this is a very basic, primal feeling and I want to know if I should act on it. It just seems unfair that he’s able to saunter back into playing the role of a doting family man after deceiving both me and his wife.
The anger and hurt I feel have paralysed me and I’m struggling to get on with life. I’m 40, educated and attractive but I feel broken, my marriage to a narcissist had already harmed me and I feel cheated that the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds chose to play with me and hurt me so profoundly. Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?
Please respond from a kind place x

I’m sorry, but this is a tale as old as time. How you didn’t see it coming is beyond me.

So you’re happy to cheat, but now that a man who has proven himself capable of lies and betrayal has betrayed YOU, you’re outraged? Surely you see what madness that is.

The reality is that most people are weak. Most people are cowards. Most people are confused. When we draw up fantasies of people rather than looking at them (and ourselves) clearly, and turn over our whole lives based on those will fill misjudgements, we’re setting ourselves up for a fall. I was surprised to read that you’re 40. You’ve been very naive here.

Draw a line under this. Try to live your life going forward with dignity and self-awareness and kindness. That’s all you can really do.

I think telling his wife would be cruel to her. You wouldn't be doing her a favour.

You ask people to respond from a kind place. Would you be telling his wife your news 'from a kind place'?

If you have proof, yes please tell her. She deserves to know what she is livign with and the kind of person she's placing her trust in.

Revenge? Don't care really if a side effect of it is you getting that satisfaction. My ONLY driver here would be the poor woman who's living a lie about the most important aspect of her life (and her finances). I always say the same on these threads. If it were me I would want to know.

This is awful for you but perhaps your marriage has made you susceptible to another relationship with someone narcissistic.

If it was me I would get some counselling and block the other man. Try not to be too hard on yourself you can’t control others behaviour only how you react to it.

I think you might struggle with this on MN- it’s very black and white about morals.

Perhaps you should try and think about it as you say in your own words. This man was a catalyst for the ending of your marriage. And you probably envisaged him as the one who saved you.
The problem is life is so messy and complicated and no one person can save you. The way he has gone about this is cruel to everyone involved, and I would imagine that you’ve been hanging on to “restart” life.

But you can have a good life without him, you are allowed to be angry and to grieve. You’ve been through a lot of trauma in a short space of time. It’s really time that you slow down and try and slowly rebuild your life for yourself. He was sadly never going to be your happy ever after. He’s made that clear as much as that is hard fo come to terms with.

Hmm... I'm trying, but in truth I'm really struggling to feel sorry for you

Not only did you pursue a relationship when you were not in a position to (being married), but you also pursued someone who was unavailable (being married) and then seem to want praise for not sleeping with him until you'd decided to end your marriage, whilst he was still very much spoken for.

Now you're angry because the woman he promised to love and prioritise is proving to be his priority over you so you're tempted to respond by ensuring you cause misery to his wife so she suffers more than she unknowingly has.

I think you need to cut your losses and move on with a fresh start and leave that poor woman's life alone without damaging it anymore.

And yes I agree that you may have just gone from one narcissist to another.
I only ever felt I was “soulmates” with a narcissist.

I'm glad you're posting here. No doubt you'll receive some choice words as the thread progresses but life isn't black and white is it, and you shouldn't suffer in silence.

However, I genuinely don't think you should tell his wife. It won't make you feel better. Concentrate on yourself and your new life. Any type of hurt gets better with time.

With regards to him: if you love someone let them go. If they come back, let them go again, it means no one else wants them.

Take care x

Telling his wife will not heal your pain.

Climb off your high horse. You were happy to cheat and wanted to break up his family.

Life lesson!
Don’t steal somebody else’s man.

I don’t think it’s cruel to tell the wife.
I’d want to know if DH was cheating two years down the line. He’s taking this woman for a fool and lapping up the attention until next time.

Then again she could be having affairs herself - who knows.

I think a letter via a third party dropped in a post box would be enough.

Yes tell her and then draw a line under it all and move on. She deserves to be happy also.

@Thetellyisjelly
No one steals anyone in life. What are you 12

I agree with the last part of LondonCrone‘s post:
‘Draw a line under this. Try to live your life going forward with dignity and self-awareness and kindness. That’s all you can really do’.

I’m not sure about telling the wife. I think you would only be doing that to make yourself feel better but is it fair to her? I can understand how you feel but you need to let the bitterness go.

I would suggest you go for some counselling so that you can try and move on from this and also address the bad experiences from your previous marriage. I think this would be the best way to work on getting closure.

Hi Lady.

I think you need to break this down for yourself...there’s a lot of different issues coming from your post...and if I were in your position and had exited marriage with a narcissist then I would be asking friends for recommendations for a good therapist to do so.

The things that leapt out for me.

You need to process what happened in your marriage, what exists in your past to make you vulnerable to a narcissist and how to avoid being so again.

You look towards your affair partner as some sort of rescuer. (I say this because of the way you have described him as redemptive) The only person who can ultimately Make you happy is you..but you’ll need to really understand yourself first.

Putting the rights and wrongs of embarking on an affair to one side, you have fallen in love, trusted someone and realised he is not what you thought he was. You need to really pay attention to his behaviour because this man does not hold you as the priority that you do him.

I believe that Perhaps in the back of your head telling his wife will mean she will leave him and leave him free to come to you. I personally believe He won’t do that. If he had wanted you, he would have left by now. Really, he would. The simple fact is he wants to have the best of both worlds. You are worth more than this.

I really sympathise with you. At our age (im similar to your age) to have thought that you had found what was missing for you after many years in an unhappy marriage, and to have broken your marriage for that and then find that this mans intentions were bullshit will be hard for you. It’s awful when someone you value So highly doesn't hold you in similar esteem, and when something you have dreamed of and hung a lot of hopes on turns out to be fantasy.

In your position I would break it off completely, block him in every way, get some good therapy and find your own path to happiness tied to noone. Returning to this guy will only result in you being used more.

And don’t tell her. Mainly because it can’t ever be for the right reasons. And it will end up keeping him in your life for longer. And not in a good way.

You need to just get as far away from this man as you can.

Personally I would tempted to tell his wife but only if you have proof .He has hurt you and has cheated on his wife.The chances are that it will change nothing .I know one woman who did exactly as you did .The husband stayed with the wife who knows about the other woman .He still sleeps with them both.
The other way of looking at it is that he was catalyst to leave your husband and that is no bad thing

Don't tell his wife. If you do and she throws him out, he'll come crawling to you ready to start a new life - and you've in a vulnerable place where you'll probably take him.Don't put yourself in that situation. Leave them to it, she'll find out what he's like eventually.

Personally I'd not. You're only doing it for revenge because you're hurt, so you want to hurt him back and she's nothing more than collateral damage in your fantasy.

You need to focus on healing youtself and moving on, not indulging in fantasies of revenge. They aren't going to change your situation.

Therapy.

The Freedom Programme.

In whichever order is right for you. I do think doing the Freedom Programme course might help a lot of your "but why?" questions find resolution.

I'd also say the people saying it means he will come back to you are very wrong, he is likely to be livid and never forgive you.

You've been a fool and also played like a fool.

Dump him, move on with your life, don't let it be determined by him.

Karma

This happens ALL the time
As someone else said it's the oldest story.
You new man is a cowardly lying prick good riddance and your husband is also a prick and good riddance.
How about some quality time with your DD and staying away from men for a while. You don't need a man and really need to improve your self esteem before being conned again by some other chancer.

You got exactly what you deserved.