I left my marriage for him - he didn’t return the favour

[Ladywit]

Two years ago, I met a married man whilst I was also married. It had been a long and unhappy marriage for me and this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late.
Although I was very cautious when I met him and didn’t sleep with him until a year after meeting, he broke down my defences completely. Meeting him put my already troubled marriage on a downward spiral and, egged on by this man in whom I found both a lover and a friend, I filed for divorce last year. He also claimed to be stuck in a very unhappy marriage, made promises and constantly referred to our future together. Although I told myself that he’s merely played the role of a catalyst, deep down I know I left the marriage to make a legitimate place for him in my life.
With the breakdown of the marriage came many challenges, most of all financial as my ex managed to transfer everything to offshore accounts and I have been struggling with single motherhood and a full time job. But I was still relieved to have taken this step and it seemed to me that I had found true love in the process.
However, when I pressed for him to take similar measures and make it possible for us to embark on the future HE had spoken about since the beginning, he didn’t seem to be able to follow through. After seven months of penduluming, during which he asked his wife for a trial separation, went back, we broke up, came back and asked me to go away on a weekend with him, assuring me that he had decided he wanted to be with me, left me again and went on an anniversary holiday with her (which completely devastated me), so on and so forth until finally the painful cycle ended a couple of weeks ago.
I’m weeping as I write this and hurting so deeply. I had to deal with all this uncertainty and emotional trauma while having to deal with the aftermath of the divorce and everything else. It has left me broken and questioning everything. I’m also feeling an immense amount of rage and wondering how it could be that I was hoodwinked by someone I considered the love of my life.
While it is true that we were both married when we met, I didn’t sleep with him until I had decided I was going to leave my marriage, and had taken steps towards it. Perhaps I should have demanded the same of him? I just was so certain it was only a matter of time before he would do that as he was always the one talking about us getting married. I suppose I trusted him.
The penduluming has also confused me, I know he felt genuinely conflicted about breaking his family unit but I feel furious about how he went about with it and prolonged the pain and confusion for me. It feels like he was struggling and trying to wean himself off me. Even during our last conversation he implied he was going to extricate himself from his marriage and come find me, whilst also saying that he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best.
But you see, the thing is, that poor woman has no idea about me and the last two years.
In my moments of anger, I feel I ought to tell her so that she at least knows what she’s dealing with and bending over backwards for. I feel he’s gotten away scot-free after destroying my life and is enjoying being wooed back by his wife on top of it all. It feels massively unfair both to me and her and I feel certain he will repeat what he did to me with another woman.
In other words, I feel affronted and my sense of justice demands that he be punished in some way.
I’m aware that this is a very basic, primal feeling and I want to know if I should act on it. It just seems unfair that he’s able to saunter back into playing the role of a doting family man after deceiving both me and his wife.
The anger and hurt I feel have paralysed me and I’m struggling to get on with life. I’m 40, educated and attractive but I feel broken, my marriage to a narcissist had already harmed me and I feel cheated that the man I fell so in love with and thought was my redemption and the balm for my wounds chose to play with me and hurt me so profoundly. Did he ever love me at all? What did he gain from this? Why does a part of me still hope he’s going to come back? I know I can never trust him so should I tell the wife and get some closure?
Please respond from a kind place x

What a horrible man, to capitalise on your unhappiness.

You need to be on your own for a while before letting a man in to your life again.

Being single is better than clinging to a user. If he changes his mind, don't touch him with a barge pole.

Take the positive from the experience - you are now out of an unhappy marriage.

Take the focus off him and put it on yourself. Give yourself time and try and get some counselling; build up your own self esteem and boundaries. Do not rely on a relationship to complete you or make you happy.

You need to put all this shit behind you. No contacting either of them. Block all their accounts on everything.

Mistakes were made. Don’t dig into them and make the harm ripple outwards even more.

You are single now, free to meet someone with whom you can have a proper relationship, not a part time one based on secrets and lies.

Move on.

I am so sorry for you. You had been in an unhappy marriage for a long time and were therefore vulnerable when you met someone who seemed to have all the qualities you desired in a relationship. Unfortunately he was married and obviously hasn't found it as easy to extricate himself from his marriage - I'm not saying it was easy for you but you did it.

What is good is that you are no longer with your husband. You didn't like that life so that is a step forward.

Please try and embrace the single life, it has a lot going for it. The searing pain you are feeling now will not last forever, in time you will enjoy what you have and not be so eager to jump into a committed relationship quickly.

Telling the man's wife will achieve nothing. Who knows, he may never stray again, let's hope that is the case. If he does she will undoubtedly find out sooner or later as she would have eventually found out about you. If you do not tell her, at least you will know that you have not been responsibility for his marriage breaking up. It wouldn't do you any good either, he won't come flying to you for refuge.

Let it go, lick your wounds, learn from mistakes and draw a line under it. Everybody makes mistakes, does things wrong sometimes but it's wrong to let it spoil your future.

Good luck.

I have every sympathy for you OP. Please ignore the low empathy (frankly cruel),absolutists that will pile on this thread . They have no idea what it is like to be in a marriage like yours. Well I do. And I understand why needed to find someone who was building you up again to have the strength to leave. I understand your angry and frustration that the two men who have hurt and harmed you have come out of this scot- free and financially strong whilst you are struggling to support your children as a single parent. It is utterly unfair that women are the ones left financially and practically struggling after a relationship breakdown, whilst the men find it easier to rebuild their lives having more money adn more time, without the childcare responsibilities.

He's been utterly selfish and treated you like crap. I really hope you manage to find the strength to get through this, rebuild yourself and your life. All power to OP.

@Thewindowdonkey ...... what you said.

this man offered everything I had been longing and hoping to find in life before it was too late

Never base your life on what a man 'offers'.

Self-esteem, resilience, self-sufficiency, loving yourself, learning about codependency.... Lots of issues that may or may not apply to how you handle relationships. Worth investigating and getting to know yourself and your motivation better.

How sorry would you have felt for his wife if he had left her? I have been in her position and we both chose to work together to get over it, but I was hurt for a very long time. I don't know whether you should tell her or not.

I think it's obvious you only want to tell her to force his hand into leaving her for you. It's not going to happen. He's picked her, so if you do tell, he'll chase after her and not you, anyway. No matter what he's told you- you aren't a patch on his wife and you need to accept that. If you were "better" he would have left her.

Accept he will never want you and start improving your own life without men. Focus on your child. Grow up and stop with the romantic sob story. The only difference between you two is you were dumb and he was smarter than you. You were had.

Move on.

You made a mistake and you need to look forwards, not back. You sound like you’re making this man responsible for your happiness. The man has done you a favour really, showed you his intentions before it went further. Focus on yourself and your child/ren.

Hi there ,Not going to judge you .You were unhappy in your marriage, and met someone who you fell in love with .Rightly or wrongly .The situation was clear for you ,and as you say gave you a reason to end your unhappy marriage .However this was your decision .And he may have seen the situation differently .Many men want their home comforts ,and are happy to have an Affair ,as they get all the attention they crave and probably dont get at home with DC as well .This man most likely did love you. The fact he left his wife for you for short periods shows he was torn .I would be surprised if his wife doesnt already know ,or at least suspects something TBH. I can see where you are coming from ,but what will you gain from this ? This guy would likely be furious with you, and stay with his wife who he would convince that you are some sort of harpy who "went after" him! Many people just "cant do it " when push comes to shove and will stay where they feel safe .He will most likely be torn and missing you ,and their relationship will be damaged . Try to take time out if you can ,maybe a short break with your Son ,or staying with friends ? Leave it a while before coming back to the dating scene and let your wounds heal a little.

I'd want to know if my dh was cheating.
OP if he comes back to you then I'd give him the heave ho. He is not a nice man and in my book nice people don't have affairs while still married, unless in exceptional circumstances.

Thank you stillmovingon- your words mean more than you’ll know x

So you're devastated and you now want his wife to be devestated aswell?

Leave her be.
Do not speak to him or see him ever again.
Block and move on.

I am all for telling someone if their other half is cheating however you are not doing this for her. If you gave a shit about her you wouldn't have been shagging her husband.

You are doing it because you are selfish and you want to inflict as much pain on him as you can and if telling her does it so be it. It doesn't matter if that hurts her in the process.

As an impartial observer, I would want the wife to know, mostly because of this:

he would not be able to live with himself if he didn’t give it one last shot because his wife was trying her best

This poor woman is putting her time and energy into trying to fix a marriage that is more broken than she realises. He was going to leave her for someone else and I think she should have the full facts before prostrating herself before him to 'save' their marriage' when the truth is that he should be bearing at least as much of the burden of work that their situation needs, and she might decide that it's not worth it knowing that he has already cheated and been on the brink of throwing her over for someone else several times.

Even if that is not your true motivation for telling her (and I imagine it's hard to untangle that from your own desire to lash out at him), the outcome is still the same - she has the information she needs to make a life-changing decision for her and her children. On balance, I would always rather know, I think, in her shoes.

If you were to tell her, how would you go about it?

I think this might be a blessing in disguise. This affair has been the catalyst you needed to get out of your horrible marriage. This guy is obviously not a great guy - although it doesn't feel like it right now, you are better off without him. You are now free to live your life as you want, without some deadweight man dragging you down. Embrace that. Don't contact his wife. Whatever you are telling yourself right now, that is motivated by wanting to hurt him back, and that isn't reason to destroy his wife's life. Leave him to his own mess and keep moving forward into your own future.

Don’t tell his wife. I would regard this man as someone who rescued you from a miserable marriage.
Draw a line under all this and move on with your life.
Do not get involved with married men again

Sorry, I dont believe you. You dont want to tell her for her sake, you want to punish him for not leaving her for you.

This is karma at its best.

Who would've thought a man who lied to his wife, cheated on her with you would turn out to be capable of lying to you like that? its a mystery isn't it! If only there had been some clues along the way...

I am all for telling someone if their other half is cheating however you are not doing this for her.

But what difference does the OP's motivation make really? The outcome is the same, no matter why she does it. The wife will know the truth and be able to make decisions based on that, however the OP feels about it.

I have zero sympathy for you .what did you expect to happen

Forget about this slimeball and move on. Why bother involving the wife? He's not man enough to walk away as promised. There's no point marching to a cul de sac. Stop crying and dust yourself. Join some clubs and meet normal unattached men if this is what you want. Why bother with men with baggage! 40 is a very young age! Live and have fun!

Liars will lie OP
Hard lesson to learn but true.
Focus on the positives - you got out of an awful marriage.
Stop looking to men to 'make' your life. They don't and can't and it's damaging to you.
As for telling his wife....I often struggle with what I would do/ what if I was the wife? I always end up at the same conclusion - I would want to know 100% I assume she is living her life, assuming her marriage is a happy one and that she has a faithful husband. If so she should know he's a cunt! but that's just my opinion.

I actually really feel for you, op, and think people here are being very harsh. It does happen that two people each leave their unhappy marriages and make a long and happy life together. There was a thread about it here not so long ago. So you weren't being unreasonable to think that's what was going to happen here.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I really don't know what to advise re his wife... I can see why you want to tell her, and part of me thinks she should know, but you're only going to cause her a huge amount of pain. Maybe he really has realised what he's got with her and is going to cop on to himself - unlikely, but who knows? I think on balance I wouldn't tell her. Get whatever help you need and build yourself up to where you're ready to meet someone else.

I wish you well x

Thank you for the responses, this is helping me. I married at 21 and my ex was the only man I had ever been with, so this was a big deal for me. To all the ladies responding as if it’s their husband I tried to steal, I will never say what I did was right, but it’s me who has to live with that. Maybe I used to be the same strait laced, judgy, been-with-one-man only (unhappily) married woman until recently. It takes walking in someone’s shoes to understand why people behave the way they do.

I have sympathy for you OP. I’m currently six weeks no contact with a married “friend”, that’s what he insisted we were.. we weren’t just friends at all! I was lonely and although not desperately unhappy in my marriage, my DH is not an overly affectionate or loving man. My friend said all the right things, texted me almost constantly and I was completely hooked, very quickly. He was without doubt a narcissist. I’m only realising that now. He love bombed me for a year, made me feel that I’d met my soul mate, best friend etc. Then came the abuse and the discard.

I was completely broken by the end, I started having suicidal thoughts and felt that all our arguments were because of me.

In a drunken mess one night I’m ashamed to say I messaged his wife and told her. I don’t even know if she read it, I panicked and deleted the text and have never heard from him or her since. I think I just wanted him gone from my life and knew this way he would be.

I don’t think I would tell her, I know I would want to know BUT it feels a lot better to move on and start rebuilding your life without him. She may actually know what he’s like but chooses to stay for other reasons. If you tell her you might get drawn back in. I have good days and bad days, but even my bad days aren’t as bad as when he was in my life. You will be happier if you cut this man out of your life forever. It sounds as though leaving your marriage was the right thing to do, so look forward now. Block OM and his, family everywhere.