So I actually did it...

[Whatsmynextmove]

I posted a while back about ongoing and deep rooted issues in my long term relationship. I’ve struggled for years and this week I sat down with DP to tell him I can’t do this anymore and I want to separate.
He’s heartbroken, told me he will not give up on me and asked me to consider counselling with him.
I said I’m done, I can’t do this anymore and whilst I’ve done a lot over the years to work on myself, I just can’t get over the resentment I feel for so many reasons.
Am I unreasonable to refuse counselling? It’s almost as though I didn’t say it was over at all and he’s pretending nothing happened.
I don’t know how to explain to him I am done, even with counselling he’s not a person I want to be with and the way I’ve been treated over the years is not something a few sessions with Relate can sort out.
Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
I don’t even know what I’m actually asking, I just feel so disappointed that once again the way I feel is almost being minimised and pretty much ignored.

Good for you. Here's to a new beginning.

Thank you. I’m worrying I’m making a huge mistake. I’ve been told I’m throwing everything away, what about the kids, why have I let it go so bad, there’s been so communication before it got this bad (not true). I just hope he actually realises I’m serious.

You're not unreasonable at all, what is unreasonable is being expected to just accept it and get on with it for the sake of a 'family unit' or someone else's feelings who hasn't shown regard for yours.

Of course, all separations where children are concerned are not pleasant but I do think that staying with someone for the sake of children is also detrimental to them as its not the best environment around them.

If this is what you want then don't let yourself be talked around; what's to say you go to counselling, it's okay for a while and then, oh, back to normal. Keep reiterating your stance and start looking into what you can do to get the ball rolling

Offer to go to counselling in order to help the separation go more smoothly.

But either way. Well done. You have a right to be happy and your kids have a right to a happy household. His happiness does not trump everyone else’s. Just because he was happy doesn’t mean everyone else was.

Well done, you did the right thing.
Now you need to stay strong and not let him guilt-trip you.
He isn’t respecting your feelings so all you can do is be firm and be very clear where you stand.

I’ve been there, it isn’t easy. But it’s not a decision that is ever taken lightly. Once you cross that line, you can’t go back. They had ample opportunities to change their ways and try and be a better partner. It’s too late now.

Counselling is a bad idea, it might give him the impression that there is hope.

I am so upset that you have made this huge choice and he is trying to make you justify it "enough". Fuck it. Fuck him. Do what is right for YOUR happiness. Life is too short. I spent a (thankfully) short time in a violent relationship, where part of me just wanted to put up with it to have a "family". Subjugating you're happiness to keep the peace is a lifetime sentence.

Please stay strong and stick to your decision. Move forward to your happiness. For you and your DC.

why have I let it go so bad, there’s been so communication before it got this bad (not true).

Separation Counselling could help you both

Well done but hope you can afford it!

(Sorry - was not wearing glasses - obviously pressed 'post' in error)
Presume it's him asking why you let it go so bad. Nice of him to put all the onus for keeping things good onto you... Where was he in all this?? Do your best to keep focused and remember why you're doing this so his attempts to blame you, sidetrack you, make you doubt yourself fall on deaf ears.

Agree that if you do have counselling he should understand the agenda is for separation.

You're not unreasonable to refuse counselling.

A lot of men seem to conveniently "not heard" or "not understood" their partner's concerns/complaints about the relationship until it's gone too far and then it comes as a "shock" to them when it's over. It's really disrespectful when you think about it - basically doesn't treat what you say as worth listening to.

To be honest counselling doesnt work like that, you cant cchange the person you are from counselling.

He’s working from the usual tired old script, isn’t he. Gaslighting you - why did YOU let it get so bad, why didn’t YOU communicate - when it was HIM who was responsible for both. And the counselling offer is not serious, it’s just designed to delay you leaving, destroy your momentum, and give him a chance to lie to and gaslight the counsellor as well. He’ll present himself as the poor victim, and try to get the counsellor on side.
Stay strong, OP. Your reasons to leave are as valid today as they were yesterday.
And as for the DC - they’re a major reason to leave. You do NOT want to model this grim marriage to them as a role model for their own future relationships. Show them that self respect and boundaries are important. Good luck.

He's hurting, he grasping at straws. Be gentle.

You have made your mind up, but he isn't able to take this in. You can focus on the practical implications, but he probably needs to ask you 100s of questions and talk to others to process this. Answer his questions honestly and encourage him to talk with his friends and family.

Counselling doesn't work, not when it's gone that far. Counselling might have worked the first time asked for it, 3 years before we actually went. What it did do for me is cement how I felt in my mind. Things he said in those sessions sealed the deal for me.
I agree with others - this is his last grasp, far to late

Thank you all so much, I’m sorry I went silent. What you’re all saying is essentially what I’ve been told by my mum and my friend who I confided in.
You’re all absolutely right and I appreciate your advice, you have no idea how much I needed to hear these comments.

The fact you are cold on counselling tells you it is futile. He hopes to find someone else to change your mind or at least tell you that you are wrong.

Relationship counselling has real limits. All too often one party asks for it to try and change another person’s thinking to match their owl. That is futile and is often agonising in itself.

Unless your heart leaps Very secretly at the thought of doing it, it’s wise to be clear, and keep it a no to counselling.

Own!

Obviously a free person can change however many owls they like

Well done OP. Sounds like you already know you are not making a mistake. You will be fine.

Thank you. Tonight brought new challenges. He said he will go, but seeing as he has no money and nobody to turn to he will end up in a shared house, i.e. not suitable for the kids, so he’s losing everything.
He said I’m being cold and none of this makes sense. He’s about to lose everything and I won’t consider counselling. I suggested he needs counselling, but not with me. Then I was reminded of my own mental health struggles and that perhaps I would benefit from counselling.
He said he can’t believe I am willing to throw everything away, without trying one more time.
I’ve repeated the same again - this isn’t me throwing things away. This is me returning the the same conclusion I’ve come to time and time again, I am done.
I can’t bear the thought of him being so upset with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. I feel like a terrible person

Let him go, and let him grow up. You focus on you and your family. He is an adult. Perhaps it's time he learns to behave like one.

It's not really a new challenge, it's the same pattern - he feigns ignorance of your unhappiness and complaints and when it's clear you're not STFU, he turns it round on you. Your update post is virtually the same as the original.

He's had chance after chance.

He will sort something out for himself, don't worry. Don't slip into him having contact at your place, he'll take the piss.

Thank you. I need to be strong and I’m finding it very hard, hence why it’s taken me this long to actually do anything.
I’ve found out he has significant debts. He’s speaking to someone today about going into an IVA and that should free up enough money for him to find somewhere suitable to live.
I was going to let him come here to see the kids and even stay if he needed to, I can go elsewhere, but I think you’re right to suggest not doing that.
I want minimal disruption for the children and I also don’t want him to be stuck in some shit hole alone. Funny how you forget how much heartache they’ve caused you over the years. I need to keep reminding myself what I’ve been through and stay strong in my decision.

turn this back on him.

when this was an issue that bothered you, and you asked for his help, he ignored you and did nothing.

why should you now listen to him/do anything to fix things?

ask him why it's fair for him to expect more of you than he was prepared to do himself when you needed it.