So I actually did it...

[Whatsmynextmove]

I posted a while back about ongoing and deep rooted issues in my long term relationship. I’ve struggled for years and this week I sat down with DP to tell him I can’t do this anymore and I want to separate.
He’s heartbroken, told me he will not give up on me and asked me to consider counselling with him.
I said I’m done, I can’t do this anymore and whilst I’ve done a lot over the years to work on myself, I just can’t get over the resentment I feel for so many reasons.
Am I unreasonable to refuse counselling? It’s almost as though I didn’t say it was over at all and he’s pretending nothing happened.
I don’t know how to explain to him I am done, even with counselling he’s not a person I want to be with and the way I’ve been treated over the years is not something a few sessions with Relate can sort out.
Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
I don’t even know what I’m actually asking, I just feel so disappointed that once again the way I feel is almost being minimised and pretty much ignored.

I would agree to counselling as the path to closure for you both.

So he didn't listen to you for years while your relationship deteriorated to this point. And he's still not listening to you.

It's all about him, innit?

Stay strong OP. Wishing you a happy future.

You’re right. That’s how I feel * told him I asked for counselling 4 years ago and he point blank refused.
Thanks everyone. Having a really tough day today, lots of tears

Hi OP, going through a breakup at the moment too - I know how hard it is to choose your own happiness over there’s, I promise we are all here to give you virtual hugs and support

This time in 6 months things will all be easier, and this will be a memory and not your present - stay strong, I know it’s hard xx

He's manipulating you. If you let him back in "because of the kids" he would just use it to try and keep chipping away at you.

This behaviour from him should reinforce your decision.

You’re all so kind, and wise!
Today got better. He’s away with work and not back until late so it’s been nice being here without dreading him coming home in a usual foul mood. The kids seem relaxed and happy. I had a chat with my older son, he asked why his dad is so moody and rude and said at the weekend when I was at my friend’s he did absolutely nothing. Just sat on his computer. This also reinforces my decision.

I was going to let him come here to see the kids and even stay if he needed to, I can go elsewhere, but I think you’re right to suggest not doing that.

I am right, honestly. Seen too often - guilt makes the woman offer and then it just gets used as an opportunity to badger her further, and to continue to treat the house as theirs and the woman still their drudge and emotional punchbag. And the women have the devil's own job stopping it and setting boundaries.

Spring is coming, macdonalds is always open, and he needs to take responsibility.

You don’t need his permission to divorce him, keep telling yourself that. Also, you are not responsible for his happiness, he has to find that himself.

I did say to him I am not responsible for his happiness or well being. He needs counselling to deal with his issues. Whether I need it is a separate issue for me, and me alone.
The very fact he’s now saying he can’t afford anywhere nice to live just cements the fact I’ve been relied on too much, maybe even taken advantage of financially. I’ve worked my arse off for YEARS to get to the position I’m in to provide for us and had nothing in return. No intimacy, no respect, I’ve had to do the vast majority of stuff at home whilst also working and looking after the kids.
The more I think about this the more I realise I am making the right decision. I’ll always care about him, but I do not love him. I need to learn to love myself and that’s why I need to do this.

Things took a turn for the worse today. I was out last night and stayed with a friend. When I got back, I was really tired and went to bed. He was shouting at me and saying I’m a slag, a liar, I’m sleeping with someone else. I asked him to leave me alone but he dragged me out of bed onto the floor shouting at me and dragging me, telling me I need to leave the house. He was trying to force me down the stairs. My older son heard everything and me screaming that he was hurting me and he called the police. I’m so upset. I was terrified. The police came and took a statement, apparently a report has to be filed with school and nursery. Such a mess.

Take this opportunity to get him removed the house/get an occupation order. He needs to move out.

He's trying to force you out of the house OP... instead of him going... 🌺

I’ve told him I am not going anywhere. The tenancy is in both of our names, but I pay the rent. Hell will freeze over before I leave.

You have been really brave to recognise how you feel and to act on this. Your “ partner” is showing his true colours. What an awful thing to do to you, and in front of your son. I hope you are both as well as you can be.

Hi OP: I think his behaviour would give grounds for a non-molestation order and that would require him to keep away from you and the house for a certain period of time although it would not regulate ownership of the house or contributions from him to the rent for the house (you would need an occupation order for that).

If you call the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they can talk you through the process and may be able to refer you to a law firm to help you prepare the papers if you decide to go through with the application.

Also ask if the police can obtain a domestic violence protection order - this will require your H to stay away from you and the house for, I think, up to 28 days. The police can get these v quickly. That would buy you a bit more time to apply for a non-mol if that’s what you decide to do.

Brave of your son to call the police. So sorry to hear it’s deteriorating. No way can you go to counselling with this guy. Please take this seriously - there may be more crap from him.

How dreadful for you and your son . What have you decided to do? Did the police arrest him?

It's difficult. I'm in a similar position I suppose. I'm incredibly unhappy, and actually don't see the situation changing. But I have agreed fo counselling. For a number of reasons, but I feel that I need to know I've done everything. And actually things haven't changed enough, if at all really. However I have found the counselling beneficial for me.

I’m sorry this has happened but it reinforces that this relationship is abusive and you no longer have a eFuture together. Have the police charged him with common assault etc, his bail conditions should include not to return to the family home and approaching you

@Whatsmynextmove, I am cheering you on. Your partner clearly has the same handbook my stbxh was using in November. After 20 years of gaslighting, blocking, diverting, sulking, verbal aggression and blame shifting I said we were done. He was 'devastated', why hadn't I just talked to him about my concerns? Why did I never talk to him??
When I told him I was afraid of his temper, he immediately fired back that he was afraid of my callousness in asking him to leave. Now he wanted us to have counselling even though I had repeatedly suggested it over the years and was always met with a scornful refusal. Now he had 'lost everything', etc.
Like you, I felt absolutely dreadful as I am at my core a people pleaser who can't stand the idea of my actions upsetting someone. My mind was absolutely made up though and that really helped me to stand firm against his position as anguished victim, a position he is very comfortable occupying. You and your son deserve so much better - never believe that you have ruined anything and never look back.

Also, I did as @category12 said, and guiltily made regrettable offers such as saying he could come over for dinner sometimes, see the kids here etc. Big mistake - even though we were married for such a long time, he is not my friend.

Thank you everyone. I told the police I didn’t want to take it any further. I can’t put the kids through that, it would make an already bad situation even worse. Maybe I’ll regret it, but my immediate reaction was to say I don’t want to press charges. They did say however that if anything like this ever happens again he will be arrested.
He was at his mum’s until quite late last night but has now come back but spent the whole day upstairs. I don’t want him here, and if he is here I don’t want to be here, but equally I don’t want to leave my children. I don’t have anywhere to go and also don’t see why I should have to. I could go and stay with a friend tonight but that would mean leaving the kids behind. I’m torn.

Check your tenancy. By being violent to you, he's probably in breach of it.

Your landlord, especially if it's social housing, might be able to evict him (which could get him removed by some big men) and reissue a tenancy in your name alone.

Contact Women's Aid and find out your rights - none of which would involve leaving your children.

It's the worst of times when you have split up with someone but are still living under the same roof, many of us will have been there. Stay strong, he can surely support himself if he is working, as someone said upthread, in 6 months this will be a horrible memory.

He's in charge of his own life, you've not ruined it. He will have to manage likes lots before him !