So I actually did it...

[Whatsmynextmove]

I posted a while back about ongoing and deep rooted issues in my long term relationship. I’ve struggled for years and this week I sat down with DP to tell him I can’t do this anymore and I want to separate.
He’s heartbroken, told me he will not give up on me and asked me to consider counselling with him.
I said I’m done, I can’t do this anymore and whilst I’ve done a lot over the years to work on myself, I just can’t get over the resentment I feel for so many reasons.
Am I unreasonable to refuse counselling? It’s almost as though I didn’t say it was over at all and he’s pretending nothing happened.
I don’t know how to explain to him I am done, even with counselling he’s not a person I want to be with and the way I’ve been treated over the years is not something a few sessions with Relate can sort out.
Has anyone experienced a similar situation?
I don’t even know what I’m actually asking, I just feel so disappointed that once again the way I feel is almost being minimised and pretty much ignored.

He was in a horrendous amount of debt which meant he couldn’t afford to contribute to living here and also can’t afford to move out but he’s now in an IVA so that frees up £500 a month which is enough to find somewhere else to live.
We rent privately, I’ve paid the rent by myself for years now. I don’t think transferring the tenancy would be a problem. I’ll definitely check the contract, that’s good advice thank you.

OP his financial issues are HIS financial issues.. you cannot keep supporting an abusive man...

Get advice tomorrow morning on having him removed from the house.

He is abusive and your children should not be exposed to this behaviour.

I'm going through exactly this same.
I feel like there is no end to it and it overwhelms me.
Dc involved too so of course I'm a bad mum for splitting us up
Stick to your guns, you deserve to be happy.

@Fuckmyliferightnow I’m sorry to hear this. How are you doing? It’s so hard isn’t it. It’s the guilt I’m struggling with. Seeing my son crying is just awful. I feel like I’ve done this to him, but I know that it’s for the best in the long run.

We’ve made progress. He’s moving out. I feel so relieved. Apparently he has no idea how much money he can afford to give me... so that’s another thing to start worrying about. I told him childcare is a shared cost (our toddler is in nursery 4 days a week) and if we are both working we are both responsible for this. To be honest I couldn’t be arsed with another argument so I said we will talk about it another time.

Does anyone happen to know much about universal credit? I’ve submitted an application online tonight, I’ve also applied for the single person discount for council tax, but wonder if I do actually qualify for any help seeing as I have the boys and childcare costs. I suspect I earn too much, but I just want to make sure I am not missing anything especially if I am going to be left without any kind of maintenance.

There is an online calculator- entitled to. It will work out roughly how much you can get and what your entitled to if you pop in your earnings, child care etc

@Whatsmynextmove Things are very stressful, he thinks we can work through it, but like you, I'm done.
He won't admit to any shitty behaviour over the years but anything he has done is because of me, I'm difficult to live with and put up a brick wall, he doesn't understand that my wall was just grey rock.
He is deflecting and projecting, nothing will ever change, it's all about him.

I've never made a UC claim so am a bit
new to it all tbh.

My son too will be devastated, it's so sad, but I can't carry on like this.

Please update if anything happens, you're really brave to do this, people's stories helps others make sense of their own crap.

I am relieved to here that he is moving out. When will that be? Can he sofa surf / stay at his Mums until a more permanent arrangement is made?

A child seeing, hearing or sensing DV is v traumatic and damaging. The NSPCC class it as child abuse. Do what you need to do to reassure and soothe your brave son.

Well done on seeing this through.

The only regret that you will have in a few months time is that you didn’t do it sooner.

If you have been shouldering all of the family finances and his debt for years you might well find that you are better off separated.

Even if you are not better off in terms of money your DCs will be infinitely enriched emotionally by living in a calm and peaceful home with a mother present and fully emotionally engaged rather than one who is hurting from abuse and preoccupied and distracted from them trying to save a sinking ship.

All the best is yet to come. Know that.

Thank you, it’s really helping me to talk this through.
He will be going to stay with his dad until he can move out. I expect in 2 weeks it’ll all be done.
I did the online calculation and submitted a claim for UC today, I have an appointment next Thursday to verify my identity and provide proof of childcare/rent etc. If the online calculator is right, or at least vaguely right, I honestly cannot believe how much better off I am going to be without another adult to be financially responsible for - not to mention the emotional side of things too.
I’m feeling very positive today. Probably the best I’ve felt in a year. Older son is off school, he’s not feeling great, keeps switching between his usual happy self to having a real meltdown. It’s going to take time, lots of chats and cuddles but we will get there.
Once again thank you everyone for the practical and emotional support. To anyone else going through the same I send you strength and applaud you - I know how hard this has been for me so far and my circumstances are nowhere near as bad as they are for others. Financially I’m going to be absolutely fine, I have a good support network and understanding employer. It could be so much worse. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel
@Fuckmyliferightnow I’m here to chat if you want to xx

That’s a brilliant outcome. You are so steely, determined and have achieved so much. It must be a massive relief to know that finances are not going to cripple you and he is leaving.

Seek some expert / professional advice about your DS. He is v vulnerable and he will have sensed and absorbed years of disharmony in the home and your distress. Don’t let that fester and become a bigger problem - it can be nipped in the bud - but he is showing signs of emotional injury. You can do most of the natural soothing but double check online how best to do this and if this is more effective with someone other than you - as he maybe censoring his feelings not to hurt you x

Thank you for your kind words Gutterton. He has had CBT before (anxiety from an unrelated incident) so i was planning to go back to my GP, I’ve also spoken to school so they are aware of everything (embarrassing but I thought full disclosure was best) and have been reading online about how best to support him. I won’t be able to provide all the support he needs so I am hoping school and gp can point me in the right direction.

And don't forget to put your claim in for cms. Never mind how much he can afford, it's the kid's rights to be supported here.

Respect and admiration to you. Onwards and upwards.

Thank you @marly11

TBH just get CMS calculated maintenance from him. If he has debts etc point him in the direction of Step Change. I'm sure that CMS will be taken into account.

As a single parent you may be able to get UC premium towards childcare costs that you are paying?

I’m so glad he’s moving out! That will make it all so much easier for you and you can have your quiet time and head space.

When I broke up with my partner I kept on the tenancy too and struggled until I got UC. I’m. Employed full time but I couldn’t believe how much better off I was on UC either after him debating himself and making excuses not to pay out for months on end. Brighter days are ahead of you Op, I admire your courage

Thank you @Sunflowersok

I have my appointment on Thursday for UC. If the calculators are correct I am going to be absolutely fine financially. If I didn’t have nursery to pay for I would be ok, it’s such a huge expense so I’m glad that it looks like there’s some help available.

He’s gone away to stay with his dad now. DS1 has gone with him for a few days. I’m here with DS2. I have done loads of cleaning, sorting and organising... feeling really good today

I've just read this entire thread and think you're amazing by sticking to your guns and leaving him. My sil is on uc and two of her children are in childcare, I believe she gets about 70% of the childcare costs paid for. She doesn't work so I can't imagine she pays that much each month.
Lots of hugs x

Thank you @Mum2one2019, that’s very kind of you. I can’t quite believe this is happening. I’ve thought about it for years, tried to imagine what it would be like and can honestly say the first couple of weeks were the worst but I’m feeling so much better every single day that goes by. I’m actually excited, I know I’ve done the right thing I feel very strong which is a world apart from how I was even just 3 months ago. All of the lovely people of mumsnet have helped so much.

Well done you! What's the pastoral care like at school? If it's good , they could work with your son to write how he wants his new life to look ? Every good luck for new life , you will go from strength to strength x

They’ve been brilliant. I spoke to the head of year and pastoral leader. They’ve already met with him to outline the support they can offer and also told me I can speak to them any time. They’ve given him a “time out pass” he can use at any time if he needs to go and speak to someone as he was upset in lessons for a few days. I’m going to speak to the GP on Wednesday and keep a very close eye on him, I’ve also found some brilliant resources online about supporting children through a divorce.
I’ve asked him how he would like things to be and suggested we create a lovely list of the things we are grateful for and how we hope things will look in 3 months, 6 months, a year... we’re also going to start a jar for his sad thoughts which we will pick notes out of and talk through.
If anyone has any suggestions of anything I can do to make this as easy as possible for my boys please let me know! He’s 12 and my other son is 2.

So glad to hear ! You sound so proactive, you seam to have it covered . My only advice on top of everything your already doing is to separate husband from dad . Do all you can to support your sons relationship with his dad . The sun has broken through here , I hope it's shining on you too x

It’s a gorgeous day here today, beautiful blue skies. The house is immaculate, I’m going to have a lovely day with the little one.
There’s no way I will get in the way of a relationship between the boys and their dad. Aside from the horrendous incident last weekend they would never have known anything was seriously wrong. I’ve told him he can spend time between two houses if that’s what he wants, or we can have a schedule, or he can switch between our houses just whenever he feels like it. When talking to him about what’s happened I explained that dad and I just can’t live together anymore, but we will be friends and in the long run it’s for the best. He understands but has moments of real sadness. He seems glued to his dad’s side at the moment. I try to not let it bother me, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s gravitating towards him?

I'd guess because he's frightened of the change , as time goes on , he will relax . Remember, you have had time while you acclimatise in your head to this , he hasn't . It's all new and frightening to him . As he sees how calm and happy his home is , it will dawn on him that this is what life should be like ! He will see your both better apart and as a consequence will grow to flourish in his new reality. How you talk about moving forward is music to my ears . My job is working with teenagers who's parents unfortunately don't see the world the way you do . Just smile and support as you are x

Just a quick practical one OP - if you haven't already, have you applied for tax free childcare scheme? Its worth up to 2 grand a year, well worth it and you would definitely qualify based on what you have written here.