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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal early in a relationship?!

108 replies

User45028384 · 06/02/2020 09:45

Me and DP recently made things ‘official.’

We’ve known each other only 4 months and a month ago we said we were formally in a relationship.

It’s all great. Except...some days I don’t hear from him?! In case anyone jumps to this conclusion, he is NOT married or anything like that.

The most it has been is two days in a row of no contact. I realise I could contact him (and often do) but I’ve wanted to see what happens on a day where I don’t...and sometimes that can lead to two days of nothing. Generally other than this we each instigate messages on other days on an equal basis. Ie it isn’t all me texting first.

I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, I think because I’ve never experienced it before. Usually in a relationship you are in contact everyday in my experience, even if to ask how the day was or a short goodnight text. I don’t know what to make of it?

I know I could ask and I probably will but I am hesitant about doing that before hearing what you lovely mumsnetters have to say! Is this usual? Is it because it’s still early on? I also feel if I ask then it makes texting seem a bigger thing and like an obligation and I don’t want him to feel like that. So maybe another option would be for me to text a goodnight on the days he’s silent.

We are late thirties for context!

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 06/02/2020 13:32

I wouldn't like that. I think it's nice when they say 'morning' etc and carry on like that to some extent. A bit during the day, and 'off to bed- sleep well' or whatever.

It shows they are thinking of you and seems like they care.

Two days without anything I definitely wouldn't like, and I would say something. You needn't say the extent to which you want them to do it, just say you like a 'good morning' or 'evening- how're you doing?' or whatever, but that you don't expect it to be constant or anything. xx

HotPenguin · 06/02/2020 13:32

Sorry my message maybe sounded a bit flippant, it's obvious in your later posts that your thinking about messages you may have given him that are making him a bit hesitant. So why don't you try opening up a bit more and making clear to him that you love speaking to him and spending time with him and maybe you'll both allow yourselves to get closer.

Aimily · 06/02/2020 13:38

Dp and I met in a night club 7 years ago, starting dating, became a real couple after 3 months.
We talked most days via text, however there were weeks where we would only talk 3 or 4 times during the week. Generally around meeting for food.

I think you need to do something to distract yourself if you don't hear from him, easier said than done I know I think this early in you need to remember it's a new relationship, you've both been single and he's maybe more used to not communicating often than you are. Enjoy the early days!!!

Interestedwoman · 06/02/2020 13:44

I just think it doesn't take much effort to ask how the other person's day is going by txt etc. If you can't do it for a couple of hours, then you just do it when you can. I don't expect constant contact and immediate replies of anything like that, just 'how're you doing there?' 'How was your morning?' etc.

mrshappen · 06/02/2020 13:48

In my opinion when in a relationship it's normal to talk at least once a day. Or texts. I would definitely expect some sort of contact every day

ravenmum · 06/02/2020 13:51

I'd only worry about this if not texting seemed out of character.

You can't really complain about his lack of communication but then not communicate your wishes to him...

PinkMonkeyBird · 06/02/2020 13:51

@Cocobean30 Official means being actual partners committed to a long term relationship rather than dating. You don’t meet someone and become their girlfriend/boyfriend on the first meeting.

Where has the OP or anyone else on this thread said they are official from first meeting?

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 13:52

I might just make more effort myself then and see if it increases contact from him too. I can’t say I’ve been heavily in contact because I haven’t and perhaps he is trying not to be too much after all the things I said early on

OP posts:
PinkMonkeyBird · 06/02/2020 13:55

I might just make more effort myself then and see if it increases contact from him too. I can’t say I’ve been heavily in contact because I haven’t and perhaps he is trying not to be too much after all the things I said early on

@User45028384 It won't hurt to do that. Just see how it goes and then you can gauge it from there.

KipperBang · 06/02/2020 13:55

I think you're playing games here and you need to stop.

Stop telling him you're wary/want to go slow/ blah blah. Just stop saying it, it's really off putting. Just be yourself, see him on your agreed days and it'll naturally follow the pattern it follows, without you having to keep reminding him about how wary you are.

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 13:57

Agree Kipper...don’t know why I did that really, must have thought it was a way of protecting myself or something!! I want to be much more open to him but it’s scary these days compared to being 23! I want to make the right choice with someone.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 06/02/2020 13:57

I think it’s normal at only 4 months. He’s a very new boyfriend of only really a month (not a long term partner).

Dh and I probably texted every day but we started dating in a very intense situation (expats in a non English speaking country where we only knew a few others who spoke English and we spent 5 days out of 7 together). If I hadn’t heard from him, I probably would have assumed he’d had an accident on his motorbike and died (quite common there unfortunately).

But I think as long as you are in contact most days, that’s fine. People are busy and not everyone is great about messaging.

Heartofglass12345 · 06/02/2020 13:59

I'm with you, even just a message saying good morning have a good day or a good night message. It doesn't have to be pointless back and forth messaging, although at the beginning of a relationship you should have lots to say to each other! If he's not much of a texter that's fine but a call at the end of the day then?
The beginning of a relationship is supposed to be all new and exciting (for most people anyway) where you can't stop thinking about the other person! Im not clingy at all but even I would wonder how interested he is in me, especially if he's online anyway. You could ask him but not sure how you'd go about it without sounding like a stalker haha

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 14:01

Heartof that’s the problem really...I don’t want to make it an issue if that’s just what he’s like. It’s the insecurity I have about how seriously he sees this that bothers me. I might start making more effort and see what comes of it. But otherwise I think this might come to an end.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 06/02/2020 14:02

Dp made contact with me every day, even if just to say 'Hi, how's your day been?'

Heartofglass12345 · 06/02/2020 14:02

That's fair enough. I hope it works out for you, but you deserve someone who's into you!

Zenithbear · 06/02/2020 14:05

I read something about when men go a bit quiet but nothing is wrong it's because they are serious about the relationship and not the opposite. It's like they feel so secure that can relax a bit.
Plus I think it's nice to miss each other a tiny bit and have more to say when you do message/meet.

KipperBang · 06/02/2020 14:08

No need to bring this up with him. If you do you will sound insecure and a bit needy. There's no need for pressure at 4 months in.

Just drop him a text when you fancy saying hello or you have something to say. Try and just be natural - like you'd be if you were texting your mate for example. You wouldn't agonise over who's sent the last message would you? So just go for it and I'm sure he will reciprocate

Talking about ending it over this is just mad so just stop thinking in that way. So OTT

If it's meant to be, it'll be - and you trying to force the issue won't help anything. If you have a good time when you're with him and he isn't messing you around, don't spoil a good thing by trying to psychoanalyse him

screamingvalhalla · 06/02/2020 14:26

I think back to my early days with DP and how I would worry about too much vs not enough texting - looking like I was too full on vs not interested enough ,
Later in the relationship we laughed about both thinking the same , it all worked out fine here , so I suggest just keep going as you are , occasional friendly texts that have something good in them , like what you have been doing , how much you have enjoyed what you did last with him etc etc

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 14:31

That’s the thing...it would be ringing alarms bells for me if he was constantly in contact. In fact I did date someone like that and it was so offputting and horrible. Poor guy can’t win can he! When we spoke last night he had booked us tickets for a show next Wednesday (40 quid per ticket so not cheap). Maybe I’m being too negative about it. Or maybe I need to grow a pair and text when i want to

OP posts:
Cinammoncake · 06/02/2020 14:41

I wouldn't like that. I think it's nice when they say 'morning' etc and carry on like that to some extent. A bit during the day, and 'off to bed- sleep well' or whatever.

No offence and I fully appreciate you'd like that, but for me that would feel clingy and annoying and I wouldn't like it at all. To me your arrangement sounds good OP, but it just goes to show everyone is different. Why do you actually need him to text every day?
If I wanted that, I'd just tell him look X I would like us to text every day.

caitbarker · 06/02/2020 14:42

Hi lovely,

from my point of view (23 years old) our generation have an expectation when we go into a new relationship.. im exactly the same as you. me and my ex went from texting every single day and he was ALL over me at the beginning and then after a year it fizzled out which i guess is usual but i still missed the every day texts- even to see if i was ok?

i get why you think its odd maybe and i used to be on at my ex ALL the time for posting on social media and not even texting me once. we arent together now and he was a pr**k however it doesnt mean he isnt interested in you. i would either talk to him about it and just ask so youre on the same level, or just leave it and be excited when you see him!

RainbowFlowers · 06/02/2020 14:45

Everyone has a different normal. I would hate to feel obliged to text daily it's just not natural for me. Your normal is daily texting his seems like it is not and probs will never be if that's what he was like in the beginning but I feel instead of guessing you should have an open conversation about it. He might be willing to compromise or it might be too stressful for him to compromise or like you said he may be consciously trying to not be full on.

If you feel you cant have an open conversation about it I feel that is more worrying than the difference in your needs to text.

Cocobean30 · 06/02/2020 15:09

@PinkMonkeyBird I was just responding to other posters who asked what ‘official’ meant (in general terms, obviously every relationship is differed but I would think that specifically mentioning you are official with someone means that at some point you made it so, not that it has always been like that)

Batqueen · 06/02/2020 15:24

Some of your responses about finding too much contact offputting also make me think he might be trying hard not to contact you too much.

My dp told me after about two years together that when we first started dating he was really excited about me but didn’t want to scare me off so was really conscious about not texting me too often.