Is this normal early in a relationship?!

[User45028384]

Me and DP recently made things ‘official.’

We’ve known each other only 4 months and a month ago we said we were formally in a relationship.

It’s all great. Except...some days I don’t hear from him?! In case anyone jumps to this conclusion, he is NOT married or anything like that.

The most it has been is two days in a row of no contact. I realise I could contact him (and often do) but I’ve wanted to see what happens on a day where I don’t...and sometimes that can lead to two days of nothing. Generally other than this we each instigate messages on other days on an equal basis. Ie it isn’t all me texting first.

I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, I think because I’ve never experienced it before. Usually in a relationship you are in contact everyday in my experience, even if to ask how the day was or a short goodnight text. I don’t know what to make of it?

I know I could ask and I probably will but I am hesitant about doing that before hearing what you lovely mumsnetters have to say! Is this usual? Is it because it’s still early on? I also feel if I ask then it makes texting seem a bigger thing and like an obligation and I don’t want him to feel like that. So maybe another option would be for me to text a goodnight on the days he’s silent.

We are late thirties for context!

Everyone has boundaries and red lines in relationships. If you're emotionally invested in someone it's absolutely ok to need to know they feel the same way. If part of your knowing you're important is daily contact then that is 100% ok.

You'll probably get all the cool gang on telling you that it's completely fine for a man to ignore you for weeks on end and that you should just chill out and stop being stressy and blah blah. Most of these people are probably in well-established long-term relationships where they already know they're important so don't need the reassurance of daily contact.

Just tell him, OP. It's fine to say 'I'd like to hear from you'. Or text him yourself. No need to play games. If this makes him back off, then the relationship isn't right. For either of you.

He does make time for me and makes plans with me.

I think I’m just confused by it as it’s never happened before. It’s not that I hate the concept - I actually don’t like pointless chatter. It’s just how it makes me feel in terms of his interest. I’m not sure how I could mention it though? Anything I say would be suggesting he needs to change and I want him to just be him. I’m also aware of how silly it sounds to be bothered about how often someone texts but it’s impossible to ignore when they are on their phone and online so much.

At this early exciting stage I would expect him to be thinking of you enough on a daily basis to get a hows your day been text.
Later on in the relationship I would expect things to settle down into a couple of days here or there no contact.
Dp and I have been together nearly 20 years and I think if we didn't live together there would be weeks we wouldn't speak.

user I wouldn’t say anything. You start the ball rolling. I honestly can’t remember if it was dh or I that initiated contact but there was no second guessing each other and worrying about ‘chasing’.

Just see if you can get a habit going of a morning text.

I may add though that he basically moved in after about three weeks. He called round after work one night and just never went home!

This is my dilemma really...if this is something significant shouldn’t he want to be in touch? I just don’t know. It makes me think he’s indifferent or at least on a different page to me.

Maybe he just doesn't have that much to say and rather than quantity its the quality of the conversations you should be looking at.
Every 2-3 days doesn't seem too bad.

I do wonder if I have been too defensive with him. I’ve said many times I wanted it to be slow and that we’d have to see if it went anywhere. I’m wary these days about getting involved when I’m not sure about someone and maybe I pushed this mentality too much with him at the beginning. I don’t feel like that now though. I know I like him and want to see how it goes.

It would really bother me OP. I was seeing my bf for 6 months before we were officially but he still text me every morning and all day from the very beginning. To me it shows they’re really in to you and that’s important, especially at the very beginning when it’s exciting.

Thinking about it, he’s the one who has said things to me that are nice like he misses me or that he’s excited to see me. I’ve never said these things back as I didn’t want to jump in without being sure about him.

OP, I get it. I'm like you in that if someone doesn't need to reach out to me (even just a 'sleep well' at the end of the day) I assume they're not as keen as I am. But people have different attachment styles. For all you know, he's happily thinking of you all the time he's not in contact.

It may turn out in the long run that he just can't love you the way you want to be loved. But if he's otherwise making you feel ok and you feel a sense of connection and intimacy when you're together, I'd say give it a few months and just try and work on those feelings from your end, maybe try and analyse why this is making you feel rejected.

I would try your best not to let it get to you.

You said your other relationships there was daily contact. But none of them lasted.

Try to let things go their natural course. Keep busy with your life. Give him a chance to show you.

Ranty that’s the approach I’ve taken and he often initiates contact. I would be far more relaxed about it if I knew he was as keen as me... but I don’t want to come across full on!

What does "official" mean?

I’m so glad you asked that. I see it on here all the time and I’ve no idea.

People are such dicks on this thread. Not texting your husband of 20 years for a day is pretty normal to you but a few months in, when everything is exciting and you’re meant to be really in to each other, then not speaking each day is a bit odd.

OP I’d feel the same as you, and it’s fine if you want more contact - entirely your choice. I broke up with someone for this exact reason cos it just felt like too much effort. It’s also fine if you don’t expect or want daily contact but personally, I’d speak to this guy about it and find someone who wants what I want

Been married 19 yrs, he works in another country m-f. Don't hear from him days on end (though he does read my what'sapp messages and never ignores me if I do call.
It's good for ME .
Set the pattern you want by example at first. If it's bothering you and you want a change in pattern talk to him in person: no blame - just: "I'd love to hear from you more, what options work for you". Test them for a bit, rejig til it works. Only you know how much you'll settle for. But don't judge yourself on what others have.
Do what's good for YOU.

but a few months in, when everything is exciting and you’re meant to be really in to each other, then not speaking each day is a bit odd.

For some! For others it’s perfectly normal. Some find having to text, or being texted everyday, suffocating. Also normal.

OP, like you I've been in a relationship for 4 months and we have also made it 'official' which is a big thing for my chap as it has been a very long time since he met someone he wanted a future with.

We do message each other every day because it just started like that from day one of meeting. We are both chatty people and most evenings if not busy doing other stuff we chat on Whatsapp in between seeing each other (we live 2 hours away from each other).

We always check in with each other in the mornings, afternoon and evening...even if it is just to swap a silly joke or observation. That's normal to us and if either one of us stopped, I'm sure it would raise questions as to whether interest was being lost in the other person. For some people daily contact like we have might be seen as intense or over the top. We aren't checking up on each other, we just want to chat/be in contact and miss each other in the week. If one of us is seeing friends/goes out in the evening, we always at least just say good night when we get home. it would feel strange not to do this now!

I agree with one of the PPs, I'd say you'd like to step up the contact in between the times you meet and go from there. Instigate it yourself. It really is whatever works for you!

Official means being actual partners committed to a long term relationship rather than dating. You don’t meet someone and become their girlfriend/boyfriend on the first meeting.

Well, in most circumstances. There are always exceptions of course

For some! For others it’s perfectly normal. Some find having to text, or being texted everyday, suffocating. Also normal.

But for OP, that isn’t normal. And that’s ok to feel that way.

I really wouldn’t take it as a bad thing. DP and I (3 years together) will often not message because we are in ‘work mode’. We might message other people though as that is often a quicker message eg responding to a question or a group chat where you can throw in a meme or two, but to your significant person you might want to engage in a proper chat so not do that unless you have the proper time/energy to do so.

@thestuffedpenguin - it's great your son has met and understands ALL young women.

Did you never teach him we weren't the borg?

I disagree with most posters, I would find it unusual to not have daily contact with my boyfriend. A phone call after work or a few texts in the evening at the very least!

In my first serious relationship we rang each other once a week from a phone box at on allotted time so I can't get my head round the requirement for daily texting. I don't daily text my husband, and if I do it's to say something like please by some milk rather than anything deep and meaningful.

I think you should take this man as you find him, and if daily texting is a deal breaker for you find someone else.