Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal early in a relationship?!

108 replies

User45028384 · 06/02/2020 09:45

Me and DP recently made things ‘official.’

We’ve known each other only 4 months and a month ago we said we were formally in a relationship.

It’s all great. Except...some days I don’t hear from him?! In case anyone jumps to this conclusion, he is NOT married or anything like that.

The most it has been is two days in a row of no contact. I realise I could contact him (and often do) but I’ve wanted to see what happens on a day where I don’t...and sometimes that can lead to two days of nothing. Generally other than this we each instigate messages on other days on an equal basis. Ie it isn’t all me texting first.

I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, I think because I’ve never experienced it before. Usually in a relationship you are in contact everyday in my experience, even if to ask how the day was or a short goodnight text. I don’t know what to make of it?

I know I could ask and I probably will but I am hesitant about doing that before hearing what you lovely mumsnetters have to say! Is this usual? Is it because it’s still early on? I also feel if I ask then it makes texting seem a bigger thing and like an obligation and I don’t want him to feel like that. So maybe another option would be for me to text a goodnight on the days he’s silent.

We are late thirties for context!

OP posts:
Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 10:29

Que I think it’s crazy that people in a long term relationship wouldn’t speak everyday! I’m only wondering if this is normal as it’s early on. Definitely wouldn’t find it normal 6-12 months in!

OP posts:
traveller11 · 06/02/2020 10:29

Completely normal for me. Been with DP now 2 years and we quite often go 3-4 days without texting/calling.

It's just not necessary for us, we're both busy and see each other at regular times with no paranoia that the other has been off seeing other people

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 10:29

I don’t have any paranoia that he’s off with someone else. That’s not at all what I’ve thought about it.

OP posts:
shivermetimbers77 · 06/02/2020 10:31

I don't text or call anyone every day either. He may well be on social media daily, but just scrolling or reading etc.. Is he a chatty, outgoing person in general or more introverted? Do you have lots to talk about when you do meet? You could always just start sending a good morning or good night text and see how he responds..

user14572856389 · 06/02/2020 10:33

But I didn’t mean days of no contact!

He could write the same though. "If I don't initiate contact she ignores me for days waiting for me to be first to text her."

If you date someone who doesn't naturally text every single day then they're not suddenly going to change into a person that does. Personally I would find that suffocating. You clearly don't.

litterbird · 06/02/2020 10:33

Is there anyway you can try and control this insecurity? Some men, especially when they are settling into a relationship dont need to contact every day. As long as you are making plans to see each other then that should be ok? I feel for all of you in this instant messaging era, it can make your head spin reading lots of posts on MN because someone hasn't instantly texted back and they are going out of their minds. Step back OP, deal with your insecurities before this impacts on this fledgling relationship, you dont want to spoil it as coming off needy and paranoid. My partner doesn't contact every day as he is extremely busy as I am. I never feel he is pulling away or going off me in any way. I respect his time with his work as he does mine. We have been 'official' for several months now but we are in our 50s and 60s so we have a different view on the IM culture.

SunshineOverStress · 06/02/2020 10:34

It would be unusual for me personally! I find even after the first date most blokes contact me on a daily basis, but it’s a personal thing I guess and all depends if you’re happy with the level of contact or not x

champagneandfromage50 · 06/02/2020 10:38

My DC are part of the mobile phone era and my eldest DS hardly ever uses SM, he does speak to his GF every day but they have been dating for 4 yrs. My DD is on her phone every day and interestingly her friends complain when there BF don't respond to texts or snaps and then act like stalkers by checking if they have been on SM - get angry as they can see they have responded to others but not them. Unsurprisingly there relationship doesn't last long as they go into a rage. So instead of second guessing what's going on perhaps speak to your boyfriend?

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 10:41

It depends what’s your normal OP there is no right or wrong way. Some people can go date others are in close contact. Dh and I were in close contact at the start but we were over 30 and knew straight away that we’d found some one we wanted to settle down with, we were both on the same page with expectations.

I find it really odd on MN sometimes when posters rush to tell you how insignificant you are.

‘Your not his partner’
‘You’ve only known each other a month!’
‘What does ‘official’ mean?’

Honestly are people this much of a dick in real life?

Urkiddingright · 06/02/2020 10:46

Yeah, I think it’s quite weird not to text your girlfriend every day personally. DH and I still text each other every day and we obviously live together and have children. We definitely text daily when we’d just started dating, we didn’t like to spend time apart!

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 10:48

If he in social media and hadn’t text maybe he has days when he doesn’t want to engage.

Does he reply to every text you send? If he was to send you a good night text would you respond and expect him to initiate texting the next day? Or if you send a text does he leave you hanging for a couple of days?

Bunnyfuller · 06/02/2020 10:50

4 months is not a long term relationship.

I’m not a keen texter, and mainly use it for passing info. Dh and I say hello on it when we’re working, but we’ve been together 20 years (quite long term!)

You barely know each other, just chill!

Cinderemma · 06/02/2020 10:52

Normal I'd say. In the early days of me and DP being official days would sometimes pass before we'd hear off each other. Work, kids etc can take over sometimes

balonzz · 06/02/2020 10:53

I must admit that I'm rather like you, OP: I would wonder why he wasn't texting a bit more. I do think, as with others on this thread that he is just that sort that doesn't generally text much. If I were you I would talk to him about it and have a discussion about your needs and his needs.

Pilot12 · 06/02/2020 10:53

Yes it's normal, not everyone is glued to their phone! In the early days I used to see my DP Fri, Sat, Sun & Wed, we wouldn't contact each other on Mon, Tues or Thurs, it never bothered me. It's not like your married with kids and need to constantly sync your diaries. It's sounds like you're insecure not knowing what he's doing all the time.

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 10:55

I think people saying they’ve been with their DH for 20 years, with respect, don’t fully appreciate the phone based world we live in now. I understand that doesn’t mean he needs or wants to contact me, but the accessibility of a WhatsApp message for example is so easy that of course I am going to wonder why he has a couple of days silence when he is on the app and clearly using it.

We’ve been seeing each other four months, not one month. We’ve always been exclusive.

It is definitely my insecurity in that I wonder why he doesn’t speak everyday as every other person I have dated or been in a relationship with has done that. It makes me wonder if he’s that bothered about us.

The poster who asked if he replies to me...yes he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 10:56

It’s not insecurity wondering what he’s doing...it’s whether he is really invested in me and him and sees me as a part of his life everyday, even if in a very minimal way at this stage!

OP posts:
nowayhose · 06/02/2020 10:57

I would honestly feel suffocated if I was expected to have contact every day. Some days you just cba being 'social' especially if I've had a crappy day.
But maybe that's just me :)

KaptenKrusty · 06/02/2020 10:57

Yikes, you sound a bit intense - 2 days no contact is hardly any time at all - pretty sure i've went on holiday and not contacted my husband for at least a whole day!! I think you need to relax a bit

Also the games - testing him to see if he will contact you if you don't contact him?? ridiculous!

SouthernComforts · 06/02/2020 10:59

I almost broke off with a guy because he would go a few days between messages at the start. Then I really thought about it, and it was only because exes had been pretty full on and suffocating that I had got used to constant messages. I realised I was actually quite happy to be free of constantly back and forth pointless texts, and when we did speak we had plenty to catch up on!

18 months later we naturally speak a lot more, and phone eachother every day if we aren't seeing eachother.

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 11:05

If he replies to you I’d just send a text in the morning with a breezy ‘morning xx’ etc... to start the ball rolling.

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 11:07

Southern that’s exactly how I feel. I don’t want pointless chatter but I do want to feel secure that we are going somewhere or giving it a go?! Hopefully it will develop like you say and I will be comfortable with knowing it is going somewhere with lesser contact.

OP posts:
LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 11:07

Yikes, you sound a bit intense - 2 days no contact is hardly any time at all - pretty sure i've went on holiday and not contacted my husband for at least a whole day!! I think you need to relax a bit

That’s different. Dh and I dont message daily when we’re away on separate holidays. We’re secure in our marriage and having down time. This situation is new so you’d expect a bit of daily interest.

Original poster
User45028384 · 06/02/2020 11:09

Exactly Lou!! It’s the uncertainty as to interest as this stage.

OP posts:
sunnydays78 · 06/02/2020 11:19

Texting isn’t something I’d go by to figure out if he’s interested.
Does he make time for you every week? Does he make the effort to see you?
Actions tell you if someone wants to be with you or not