Trusting on nights out after affair

[Primrosedot]

My DH cheated on me this time last year which we are trying to move forward from.
Last night he went for some drinks after work. He mentioned to me they would be going to the pub after a meeting, I asked if he wanted dinner, he said yes- he’ll be leaving pub at 7. It gets to after 8pm so I text him to ask if he’s on the train so (if so I’ll start dinner), he replies sorry he’s still in pub leaving soon. Ok fine, I have dinner get on with my evening. I then call him at 9:30ish, he’s slurring and saying he’s coming home after finishing his drink. Anyway he eventually is home about 11:30. I don’t have a problem with him going out for drinks ( to be honest it’s hard but I don’t want to waste my life policing what he does!) but why does he not just send a text let me know he’s going to be late in the first place. This all brings up horrible memories of the lies and rubbish he told me this time last year. I feel really stupid but all I would have needed was a quick text to say out late see you later. Is that not normal? If I was out for a quick drink that turned into a 5 hour session I’d definitely let him know. Maybe I need to not care so much. Perhaps I’m just paranoid?

I’m getting tired of going round in circles with the same issues now. I’m going to have to just accept this is how I’ll probably always feel

Why would you accept feeling like shit and a joke ?
Leave. It will be shit to begin with but you will feel better eventually

I think he enjoys it in a way to have me at home worrying about what he’s up to. It’s just a joke for him.

Primrose, that is twisted and contemptuous of him.

I recall your threads. Your H had a ONS with a woman he’d just met the night of his work Christmas party 2018, and he proceeded to have an affair. You have struggled greatly with his betrayal.

Although he has made changes for the better, H has begun to slip. After admitting to the affair and begging for forgiveness, he promised to never again attend the office Christmas party. However, in November he had the nerve to announce that he wanted to go to the 2019 party, completely going back on his promise to you. Posters were stunned at his selfishness and lack of empathy.

Now he has again disrespected your boundaries in your healing process. It is mind-boggling that he extended his night out to 5 hours without texting you. He made the choice to dismiss your feelings.

Your H is not 100% committed to rebuilding trust and helping you recover from the deep wounds he inflicted. He is treating you poorly and triggering your anxiety.

After discovery, he made all the right noises. You’ve previously mentioned that your marriage seemed brand new and that H had been ‘chasing’ you. I fear that the shine is wearing off and he is reverting to his old ways.

You have every right to be upset.

Of course he is going to claim you are over reacting at being upset etc etc, but you have every right to be.

He messed up. For the last year or so he might have stuck to his promise to change things and work together to move on from this. But that seems to be slipping very fast. He needs to prove to you that he is going to treat you better. By doing this, he really isn't.

I can speak from experience that trusting someone after they have cheated on you is very very difficult. Many try to make it work, but things are never really the same again afterwards. I know that may be harsh to hear, but unfortunately I have experienced it and I have seen it over and over again.

You do not need to live like this. It is going to wear you down even more, and one year in from an affair is really no time to have healed from it at all.

All he had to do was to let you know that he was going to be later than he said he would be. Why couldn't he do that? It really isn't a big ask in this situation.

All the best to you OP.

I am currently going through exactly the same thing with my DP. Like you say, I don't want to spend my life policing him. I would say a critical difference with my DP is he has (since D Day) ALWAYS kept in contact. We were advised by our counsellor for him to give me the latest time he would be in, and if he came home early it would be a nice surprise. I 100% understand that it brings up horrendous memories, it does in me as well.

Stay strong.

YANBU to be pissed off. If he has said he will he home spending the evening with you (and eating dinner with you etc) in my opinion its plain rude to not text you to say this isn't happening, even without the cheating. Yea it's happened to everyone, they go out for one, bump into some friends, have a good night and want to stay out. I'd always text my husband saying I wanted to stay out and that I wasn't sure when I'd be back. It takes about 30 seconds and saves someone waiting for you all night. Given his cheating, he should be building up trust again and doing what he says hes going to do ie telling you hes not going to be home til late or coming home when he said he would. He is not showing any empathy or concern about what he put you through or what he can do to help you feel more comfortable about it

I have been through this too and to be honest he would say all the right things, cry at the right times in the beginning but actually did nothing to help rebuild trust in him. He thought the big effort he should make was not to be currently having sex with other women and that should be enough. Obviously it was not enough, not even in the same continent as enough. All the literature I read, the support forums, the therapist all advised that it takes two to five years to recovery, that is two to five years of consistent trust building, honesty, integrity and effort from both of us, I could not do it alone though.

My advice to you OP is to disengage from him mentally and emotionally, protect yourself and rebuild your own life as best as you can for now. When he goes out don't bother to contact him, don't sit at home waiting to cook his meal, just go about your evening. This is not some "Do a 180 and get him to chase you" nonsense, no game playing, what you are attempting with this is to build your boundaries and see if you would cope "alone" while still in the marriage, it gives you the emotional and mental space to stand back and see his behaviour with an non emotional eye and to really see if you even still like this person, do you enjoy what he adds to your life, it allows you to audit him and the relationship before you make any final decision either way.

I can tell you from experience that sitting them down and trying to talk with him will lead nowhere good, they will just defend and tell you that you are the problem and why can't you just get over it and stop going on about it, this type of character never sees anything wrong with what they did, it got them what they wanted and that is all that matters.

My experience of this ( mine and other friends's spouses) is that they set out post affair to make amends and really try but they seem to think this is a very short time span ( maybe 6 months to a year ) and you should be expected to get over it and move on quickly . If you don't then you are the obstacle to progress . It never goes away .

@ChuckleBuckles excellent post .

Do you have DC together?
Is that why you wait in for him and wait to cook his dinner?
Seems you are doing all the work here OP.
WHY?

Some great advice here thanks.
Most of the time he is really trying it’s just inconsiderate things like this push me right back. I’m trying to work out if I can live this this forever. I’ve built my life up so much compared to this time last year but just not reached a point where I can feel truly happy- it’s always there.
Perhaps he just doesn’t care enough, I guess he’s showed that already!

I’m trying to work out if I can live this this forever

You don't have to make that decision right now, and at any point you can change the decision you have made. Be kind to yourself OP this man has hurt and betrayed you but at the same time you love him, that can take a while to get your head around.

This is your new life op, he got to shag someone else and you get to worry about it.

Chuck him in the bin, he’s betrayed you, made a mockery of your marriage and still is.

It's the still is bit that is the worst.